My Father's Life with Me

Tajamul Ali Mazumdar (Potol Mazumdar)

DOB -14/01/1949- 26/12/2025

Mother- Ajeeboon Nessa Mazumdar (-1997)

Father- Alhaj Massaddar Ali Mazumdar (1890-1970)

Grandfather- Harun Rashid Mazumdar (Mouzadar/Land Revenue Officer)

Education:- 

MA 1970 (GU) Political Science; GC College, Silchar; N. G. High School Sonai; Primary School Sonai, Kaptanpur (near present day Block office).

LLB/Practiced for a few days in Silchar Court.

Worked as school teacher in Adhar Chand School, Silchar (for 1 year as shared with me many years back while passing by the school in our car). 

Community Leader, Social Worker par excellence, Educationist, Spiritual Leader.

(Funded Yatim Fund, Qawmi institutions, Masjids, Idgahs, etc)

Founder of Sonai Jama Masjid in 1975. Started with 40k. With his pioneering effort, an amount of more than Rs 2 crore has been mobilised and utilised. Even till 2024 December 26th, he remained the President.

Founder of Masjid near Tulargram Pt-II mainly for localites and College staff and students. Was President.

Founded Sonai Yatim Fund

Founder of M. C. Das College, Sonai. 1972. It was provincialized on 1.2.85. Science and Commerce were subsequently started too.

Founder of Makbul Ali M. E. School in 1973 at Amjurghat. Was Advisor later.

Founder of Janjarbali ME School in 1975. Advisor too.

Founded Gulezar Ali Mazumdar ME School in memory of elder brother who was Chairman-Panchayat and social worker. The land donated for the school was his personal share.

S. C. Roy Girl's School for female education was founded in 1979. Was Advisor.

Founded Holy Light English School in 1985 along with his wife and with his two daughters as first students. Was President later.

Founded M. H. C Auditorium in 1975 in Sonai. Was President later.

Founder of Greater Sonai Idgah. 2 bighas land arranged by him.

Founded Sonai Club in 1975. Was President later.

Founder of Hatikhal High School in 1983-84. Was President and Advisor later.

Abba has also been Block Congress President too.

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13.4.26. College. Noon. Commerce Room.

When my parents got married, Abba was still the President of the Bhuban Hills Puja Committee. It was going on for years when Amma slowly dared to influence him. She said, তুমার সরম নাই নি! তারার ওতার president, bresident ওউ ! তারার মানুষ নাই নি ঐবার?... After this insider point, Abba stepped down from it. Plus, Amma had also added from Islamic points of view too it was not permitted. Abba must have surely apprehended both the points....

I am seated in the commerce room because urine stench from gents washroom near our English room has been puking! This year's HS first year exam finished today.

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12.4.26. UM. Abba's Room. Early Morning.

When Abba used to take me to Cotton it used to be road-wise. Most of the time it was the buses like Jagannath Travels, Capital Travels or ASTC. Or, in our personal car. Abba and I didn't use the airways in that phase. Shillong was a natural stop. I always kept myself awake or alert whether passing during day or night so that I don't miss the hanging beauty of the silent, sweet city. It was once the track of the Britishers, then the Bengalis of Kolkata and now at the powers of the locals. I am pleased that the locals have come ahead too in the city and the university. They deserve it. It has been their original land. But, coexistence is also a dense beauty. I love coexistence too.... Abba's college making's first phase involved Shillong. Assam's academics was previously under the Shillong rule. And my paternal grandfather and one of his sons (the Kazi) studied under Kolkata boards which were before Shillong.... Abba never forgot to share his Shillong timelines. I wish I was fully frank with him and asked the complete details.... লুভা নদী - This was the word which has plastered in my ears forever. So many times he mentioned how difficult it was to cross that river when the water used to rise. There used to be a government employee (a Hindu) from Sonai who regularly sheltered him that one or two nights. Oh! I miss my father's sounds and stories. I wish it was all the same.... Each day, I wear my father's Titan watch, carry his black bag, etc, because I don't want to lose the pain of losing him. Children forget the pain. I want the pain to pop up each day as long as I breathe

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11.4.26. UM. Abba's room. Morning.

Oh! I didn't share so many academic things with my father. When I was doing an MA in AUS, our HOD Prof Dipankar Purkayastha (who was also my PhD supervisor later on) used to call so many visiting professors from the best univs of the country. Prof. Shanta Mahalonobis of CU, Prof. Sanjukta Das Gupta of CU (she taught us Indian poetry. I think Jayanta Mahapatra. At present I got in touch with her again via ICLALS group mails), Prof. Tapati Gupta who taught us Shakespeare's Antony and Cleopatra, Prof. Chandra Mohan of DU who taught us "All for Love" and another female Prof who had shared that she was one year younger to actress MoonMoon Sen in CU and the former taught us American poetry and was very impressed by my way of questioning. Another male professor was from Dibrugarh University who was also a famous Assamese poet and had rendered a beautiful poem of his... A few words of the poem I remember উলমি থোকা... He taught us Eliot's The Wasteland. Oh! What depth! And his soberness was heart touching. He was thin and fair and the way hyper-strict Dipankar Sir stood near him like a new student was worth witnessing. The poet was his teacher in Dibrugarh and the former studied in Cambridge if I remember aright and as shared by his student. The respected poet and professor was also impressed by me when I could tell the names of the French stalwarts Baudelaire, and others. He then humbly corrected my pronunciation. Very deep class moments were those in the Assam type barracks of the university.... So many such things I hardly told my father. And I am forever thankful to DP Sir for making us come across scholars like this and remain forever motivated.... Actually these writings are thin attempts to bridge the pending gaps with my sweet father....

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10.4.26. Friday. Neins Silchar. 4.44 PM.

Suddenly it is flashing how there was not a vein of Abba, spared to insert new syringe or injection. Then the nurse in Nightingale somehow found one on the feet. Oh! It used to look cruel. My heart and eyes used to prick. Then the main needle had to remain inserted. I wonder how Abba bore the nonstop pains of the last six months of his life.... As I sit here for the neuro reports shown to Dr. Sambuddha Dhar, I am thinking how will be my last days.... I am missing you Abba. Even in ill states you had remained in front of me. Today your dearest grand daughter has stepped into full womanhood. And Amma saw the same dream of my daughter this morning and my daughter dreamt same night that she received lots of chocolates. I want to celebrate today. I am also thoughtful.....

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9.4.26. Thursday. Abba's room. Morning. UM.

Came home around half an hour back with Amma after casting a vote. The center has been shifted to S. C. Roy Girls School this time from the LP school in our Uttar Mohanpur where it was functioning originally. The reason was perhaps because the Sheikhs are in majority in Mohanpurs. In the last MLA election, things were different. When again, I and Amma went (Abba couldn't go due to persisting ill health but he was still not bedridden) my finger was forcibly pushed in to press the button. When the paternal cousin was going to grab Amma's hands, I warned him in a friendly manner ঘোরো গিয়া কিআমত খরবা. Then Tinku ভাইছাব stopped. But, I would have still pressed that button only because Abba had tutored me at home, privately তুইন আমিনুলরে দিলাইছ. And as usual, 99.99% of the time in life, my father's orders were the ultimate ones for me.... This time it's bonus because it is Aminul দা and Congress.... But because the bought agents were guarding voters, grabbing fingers, শিন্নি আখনি ফুলাও (mutton) distributed in the previous center to the voters, serious complaints might have been lodged so this time we got a new center. Earlier Abba used to try to shift but didn't succeed.... Today I had decided not to vote because I was a bit ashamed that I didn't go to the Presiding Officer duty showing genuine reasons of early dementia, Alzheimer's, taking donep tablet given by Dr. Sambuddha Dhar, low cortisol, phone threatening from unknown number, to my driver (yesterday I submitted a complaint in the PS) and his father to leave my car, my job as soon there will be a big violence in this house (surely my ধুরন্ধর brother set the caller).... The day before yesterday he didn't let water sintex to be set by the plumbers saying the upper storey (being built by Abba for my younger sister, being built in fear of water seeping ফানি ফরলে, মা ফুড়ি এ বইয়া খান্দিবায়.... Thinking of me and my little daughter,.... he was also building the upper storey because his ধুরন্ধর son had shut all the three doors to the drawing room for full three months because he was irritated at my younger sister's staying in our house each vacation,... These all reasons led to the building of the upper storey. Abba sat in the frontyard for three months with his visitors. It was at that time I had also bought the outdoor umbrella from Amazon for Abba and visitors would ask if we bought it from Hyderabad) for belonging to him. By now he has kept all new and fake slips ready to show to plumbers and others.... But then I went to vote because Amma was desperate খারাপ লাগে কিলা ভুট দেওয়াত যাইতায় না. আর আমিনুলগে ফাউক অরো দুই বুট. So I took her. The টুকটুকি to and fro ride was free by Congress. When she went, so, so many were giving her ছালাম. গুষ্টি men and even from Laskar, Choudhury and Barbhuiya গুষ্টি. Ah! I realised why and immediately reminded her why দেখছোনি সবে খালি তুমারে ছলাম দিতরা আব্বার খাতিরে. ইলা election ও আব্বার কত হই হুলার আর ব্যস্ততা থাকে. মানুষর আবো সব মনো আছে....

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8.4.26. Wed. UM. Abba's room. Morning.

When the younger men of our masjid (Mazumdar) also started using songs (Muslim or Islam related) during occasions like sabebarat, sabekadar, id, etc, my third paternal uncle whom we addressed as মুল্লা আব্বা, told one of our working helpers হে ইতা হুনে নানি! (Does he not hear this?) If Abba was not hearing that instead of a silent way of prayers as expected and ordered in Islam, now music is replaced with. I call it short cut ways of worshipping.... After that for many years this has been continuing. Nobody really objected hard, I feel.... But now from the last two-three years music is in lesser use in our masjid, I feel that although I have to observe it more keenly to confirm.... I think the voters of the previous center has been divided in between the older one and S. C. Girls school (also founded by Abba). As our aged maid from the Sheikh গুষ্টি says their voting center is the previous one only.

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7.4.26. Tuesday. UM. Abba's room. Morning.

Even when Abba was alive he couldn't save me or wasn't deeply aware of what his son was doing to me mentally and physically by hitting me physically right from early childhood till 2024 when Abba was in his last couple of months. This was the main reason why I wanted to be married to a far away place and it got manifested and the second scar took place. In between the traumas of molestation and sexual abuse even after my daughter's birth. The fourth parallel scar was the second marriage where I am still lying in between the warnings of polygamy, verbal abuse, hate, exclusion, more dowry and job expectations in college.... I am not understanding if the daughter came to me as a lifelong therapy session or have I endangered her too. I am extremely protective in guarding my daughter from sexual abuse so that at least she remains free from traumatic, helpless flashes. So that she remains healthier and does better in life.... Even today I am contemplating if I should go to the police station for police protection from the son of my parents. He has also been warning my driver and driver's son constantly to leave the job or else the driver's life or bike may be in danger.... I have stopped asking anything from the Almighty. I didn't deserve so much nonstop punishment. My daughter is being warned of murder by him. I wonder where and how my father left me.... Neuro doctor has prescribed me dementia or Alzheimer's tablet two days back, cortisol test, brain ct scan.... Whom to share with all these. Who will hear. Who wants to know. My water lines have been warned of cutting off by him yesterday. I can't place my sintex on the slab and floor which belongs to the younger daughter or else it will be smashed.... Tears are for what I don't know. Why they should shed out I don't know

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4.4.26. Saturday. UM. Abba's room. Early morning.

Abba didn't knew or I never shared it with him out of shame that while filling forms in UPSC in new Delhi, I had done a severe discrepancy. Instead of English, in one of the forms I ticked political science. And soon a letter came to correct it and resend. It was at that time too, I came across the word 'discrepancy' for the first time which was explained by an engineering student from up or mahrashtra. I feel somewhere at the back of mind the desire to study Political science remained for many many years. If you remember how Abba made me to choose English over political science in the yard of Cotton college in the morning of admission.... Both the times I failed in the prelims. In the second attempt it was written from Guwahati. Till the exam morning in Guwahati I didn't disclose to Abba what exam I was going to appear in. The same way my younger sister did. Her second medical entrance attempt was completely hidden from Abba. The problem with Abba was he could hardly hide any good things about daughters. (BTW his son gave him no chance ever except the matric exam result which was also done well not for his future or for parents' sake but for achieving someone else impressing with result). And we feared nazar or evil eye or we knew that there were thousands and lakhs of better students than both of us in the country.... Whatever, its better never to share and spread sitting in entrances like this. It makes the candidate feel either weaker or intoxicated in hubris. Both ways are fully harmful.... Our father was very satisfied with the daughters' academics. But we both were not. I was not. And not yet....

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31.3.26. Tuesday. UM. Abba's room. Early morning.

The day before yesterday was my second day's election training in the Govt. Boys school, hall 13. Last MLA election's training had also taken place there. And it was in this school I had given the matric exam. I was so timidly disconnected with what was really happening in school that during matric form fill up, the school had to send the gateman to my home here. Principal Sr. Edleburgh had rebuked me for wearing heeled pump shoes shouting "making খট খট sounds and coming now and not knowing about form fill up!" Oh! Such lines scar minds and heads forever. Such reactions don't cure us. Because then I did the next grave error. I heard her saying govt. girls and my mother was so pleased because she studied there. When both my parents took me there, there were no Holy cross students seen there. Then in silence and serious thoughtfulness my father took me to govt boys. Actually we have started trying to search for one school after another. And time was limited. When we three went there, the campus was filled with my classmates of both sections. We were relieved. My parents found out my room and seat. Abba also started coming across so many of his acquaintances. Then came a teacher of that school who was the sister in law of Abba's niece. She took very good care of me and showed tremendous love. I was hurt when two-three years back I came to know that she and her husband died one after another.... At the end of the first exam, Abba wanted to see my paper. As per protocol it is not permitted but Abba's influence led the invigilator to show him how I wrote. He knotted his eyebrows. I understood. I placed the lines so close to one another. At home, he gently made me realise that I should keep space in between two lines. And I obeyed. Then, when the result was out, it was just a simple first division. Till now I regret that I have not done exceptional results and put my father down.... What I also intend to bring to your notice here is that, these foolish times during matric are also the reasons why my father was always protective about me. In his last year he had shared আমি তারার ছিনতা খরি না. আমি খালি তর ছিনতা খরি. তারা দুইওগে দুনিয়ারে ঠগাইয়া খাইতে ফারবা. তরে দুনিয়ায় ঠগাই লাইবো.... Day before yesterday, his son again shouted at my mother yelling "I will kill her and her egg (daughter) and go to jail." The GPS recordings have been saved in my mail. Then, when I went to the electric office in Kabuganj yesterday, the engineer showed me each and every document he submitted. An objection that he is the only son and I have "dubious and malicious intention" for asking for a separate electric connection. I saw original (xerox) land papers of this house for the first time. Even my mother never saw these in life. Each house's and land's documents have been stolen by him from Abba's godrej around a decade back. It was from that point of time that Abba started seeing health anomalies one after another....My electric application has been blocked for nearly a year now. The whole office has now come to know his intention. They shared that there are three or four more such complex family cases where one member is heavily trying to stop another bona fide member for a connection. Then they doubted Amma's signatures everywhere. They found an old signature of hers and saw the difference of it with the newer ones and knew that these could be forged. The engineer guided me well. What I intend to also say here is that the lower staff has been helping him perhaps. Yesterday, I forcibly met the engineers and they were two young Assamese men who were deep and more genuine....I am trying but I am not sure if I will be successful in getting what I owe from my parents.... Everywhere, daughters must start getting their paternal and maternal parts. In 99.99% cases, brothers misbehave and beat up sisters right from childhood. My short stories are teemed with such deliberate references to bring to readership's sight that it's too, too late to ignore or quit paternal and maternal rights. If you are disrespected and humiliated then you take back what is yours....

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28.3.26. Saturday. UM. Abba's room. Early morning.

During the first phase of covid, we got spared. Second phase would also have been scot free if the son of the house who had just recovered from it visited here from our Silchar house and transmitted it to Amma. It piped into my daughter and father and from my daughter to me. Fever, sweating and unbelievable weakness were the symptoms. I remember my workaholic father was stunned at its nature and told উবাইতে দে না! And would have to lie down. My daughter recovered first. Amma's condition became critical and had to be admitted to hospital. Their son was in charge of her. At home we three were left. One of the medical advice was to eat lots of meat daily to beat the virus. But who would cook? Abba and I couldn't stand even. But our lives were still longer and arrived two old helpers from nowhere. Then young boy was Amma's maternal first cousin's son whose father had married a maid and was ousted from Kanakpur. Another was Jahura Begum who too came looking for a job. Had these two been not sent by the Almighty, Abba and I would have been dead. Plus, Abba's medicines were supplied by their son but nobody asked if I needed them. Suddenly a younger friend of bar library Rashida WhatsApped a prescription from her relative. Now, who would bring them for me? There was also a severe lockdown everywhere. Then a male colleague sent another male colleague and গুষ্টি relative with the medicines. These four people played the deux ex machina role in saving me and my Abba from covid's slaughter. I try to repay them whenever and however possible.

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26.3.26. Thursday. UM. Abba's room. Early morning.

My allergic cough originally born from overeating tomatoes right from toddler days has still kept me in the loop. Homeopathy doctors had alarmed a decade ago that my throat line must have become so tattered that if I am not cautious with using or drinking cold water, etc, anytime I may develop some non curable disease on the throat walls. I am forty seven years old now. Abba did all his best to get me rid of this shadow. But he failed. I remember he had another time taken me to a doctor who sat in Silchar heartcare at Hailakandi road then. Abba was pleased that time a new kind of test was given to me. Spirometry. A long instrument was inserted in my throat and residues taken. It was slightly choking. The rooms were darker and dirty. And the spirometry room was nearer to the washroom and so wak! Abba was somewhere nearby standing and waiting. But in the reports nothing alarming was found. As usual the cough was again just chronic allergy.

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25.3.26. UM. Abba's room. Very early in the morning. Sonai.

The day before yesterday, two faculties of the college shared what they dreamt of Abba. Ali of Manipuri department (Dr. Rahmat Ali) and Maqbool Sir (Dr. Maqbool Barbhuiya of the Arabic department) shared in the west bloc premises. Ali said he saw Abba in a fully white dress with a very light filled complexion and Maqbool Sir too shared that he too saw the same that Abba was in a fully white dress with a very fair, light filled face. Maqbool Sir added that কত মানুষর বালা জেন করছৈন! I added মন নু অতো বালা আছলো. They both agreed. And then Ali brought the analogy of comrade Nurul Huda of cpm who was a Manipuri Muslim from his village only and added that he had the quality of becoming the PM of the country. (I came across him once in Malugram, Silchar when I was with Abba for my allergic cough treatment to a then famous homeopathy doctor to whom Abba took me for many times. I was in late school or early college perhaps. And as usual Abba introduced me with a profound delight আমার মেয়ে! And then he either bored or amused people sharing my certain recent result in a certain subject and Mr Huda, a fair and thin man laughed aloud, congratulated us and briskly walked away. Then in the car Abba said that he married a Hindu woman and lived in Kolkata). Ali reiterated that and added that originally he was a very consistent নামাজি and regularly came to the masjid. After he joined the communist party he changed and then even married a Hindu woman. But after his death, people or relatives in their village saw similar dreams about him. And realised that Mr. Huda was in a good place. I added মন ভালো আসলো. We agreed. There is nothing more important in life than having a good heart. Ali also added that he regularly does Abba's জিয়ারত and even on 26th December 2024 he read the seven memorised মুবিন of Surah yasin and other surahs or chapters of the Quran before the last forty steps from the grave and that guarantees that the angels will not grill Abba as promised by the Almighty. Ali's job couldn't be regularised at Abba's hands because of his retirement and slowing health but Ali's unending gratefulness towards Abba just because Abba let him entry in the college is unbelievable! I am indebted towards him for his allegiance and love towards my father....

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23.3.26. Abba's room. Early morning. UM. Sonai.

Yesterday was my election training in Cachar College of Silchar (Amma graduated from here in the year 1975-76 or 1977) for the Legislative Assembly. How elated Abba was in the last one when I became PO. Oh! I have seen the spark of deep happiness in his eyes, heart and mouth. And surely he bored numerous, sharing it with whomever he found, as reported by Amma. I was allotted in Kabuganj and then he, Amma and my daughter visited me during the day as my daughter was crying for me.... There Anup De Sir of English Dptt, AU who was my teacher in during MA had also come to vote. Although under strict protocol we were not supposed to talk to anybody I couldn't resist ignoring or not talking to Sir. I was feeling guilty. He was already out on the verandah and I ran to him! How happy Sir felt and I felt relaxed too. Then he came across Abba, Amma and my daughter in the same school premises and Amma again shared later that he recognized Abba and talked first and said ওউ মাত্র মমতাজর সাথে দেখা ওইলো. Abba said তাইরে দেখাত আইলাম. Amma invited him home. Seeing me in the PO seat he hidingly looked at me. I could understand all. My daughter was just a বাহানা. Actually he wanted to see me how I looked. I got up, hurriedly walked towards them, just kissed my daughter's forehead and then they left. An agent objected to their entry. I said they are my family. My daughter was rubbing her eyes. She was perhaps three or four then. Soon they left in a minute or two. At home, I asked Amma why they left so soon. She said তর Abba এ খইন, চলো চলো. দেখরায় নানি কিলা বেস্ত তাই. Then in the early morning at around 3 am he was waiting in the bazaar mid point to receive me from the election's diesel auto which had dropped me quite far away in the stark lonely, fearful road quite far away from Abba and car because one unthoughtful man (Yamin sir's son who was also on duty) objected না না, গাড়ি অবায় দি জাইতে ফারতো না! I never shared this with Abba because he had too good a relation with Yamin Sir, his teacher and also my teacher in Holy Light School.... This time who will receive in such dangerous early mornings? And who will be with my mother and daughter in my absence. Who will cook for these nearly two days. I am their man. When I reached home at around 7 yesterday she said অতো খারাপ লাখছে আইজ বিয়ালে (without you).... I am still looking for a way to get my name cut! Oh!

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19.3.26. Abba's room. Early morning. UM. Sonai.

I have been in the sub Registry yesterday again for the documents of this house and Peshkar Jangal house. Got bleak guidance from a Hindu record searcher and helper....

When I was in school the movie Roja was shown in DD and Abba came off and on near us. When the kidnapping scene of the hero came, I became too excited and started explaining to Abba how the hero could sense in the car's door rear view that he and his wife were being followed. Abba listened and watched very attentively in full silence.... What is shareable here is that in a few days when we were out together and Abba was driving the bottle green Maruti zen car, he was actually trying to see on the door mirror if he was being followed. I was seated just behind him. Even now it is my favourite car seat to maintain my privacy and undisturbed thoughts.... I still find his this act amusing child-like imitation

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17.3.26. Early Morning hours. My room. 

Tuesday 

Yesterday from the electric office of Kabuganj I came to know that my so-called brother has again lied about his new connection and spent the 11k for it. The office found no such record and laughed at his befooling my mother and I. The 13 hundred plus payment that he made Amma & I pay was actually the last postpaid bill only! Oh!

Liars and thieves remain the same forever even after spending 43 days in Silchar's central jail.... So, my struggles remain the same. First he put a court objection saying that no new connection can be set here because this 3+ bighas land is disputable and has the names of Abba's two brothers' children too. But 17 kathas 10 gondas out of this still exclusively belongs to Abba only and as per equal rights my share is naturally approx 6 kathas where I can be permitted by the office to put up my own connection.... Life has been really too, too testing for me because I get oppressed but do not surrender to oppression.... My father's physical exit has brought these new and notorious oppressings from his shrewd and hypocrite son.... A paternal cousin named Bilal from the গুষ্টি has forwarded my application documents to the shrewd man. My father's exit has made so many new men join the fray to subjugate a woman. Fathers are protectors unlike my daughter's father. There are all kinds of all kinds. I also still fully don't believe Mr. Imar Uddin Choudhury who lays the blame to Mr. Bilal Mazumdar who is in the same electric office. The latter is somewhat part-timer lineman as conveyed by Mr. Choudhury who had taken 3500 bribe from me but refunded in fear when I shared that I am in touch with the law people.... Today, I may have to go to the subregistry office in Silchar again to locate Abba's documents. Almighty knows if..... This journey is additionally new, surprising, very saddening. I can tell you that there's not a single day when I don't cry alone when my heart and eyes don't burn. I have stopped submitting my pleas to the God because I have now started believing that God also always wants we fight our wars by ourselves, either woman or man.... I also believe that this struggle gene has been chromosomed by my parents.

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16.3.26 Sat. Abba's room. Sehri time.

In a tiff between the three brothers, mulla Abba teased Abba ওয় তর মালুগাম আলাইনতে সারআতা দিলাইন খালি! The joint family had already gone nuclear then but the stay in the premises remained the same except we shifted our kitchen from the old large one (which was actually broadened by Abba during his marriage) to our two-three rooms. Since Amma's paternal were waqf holders and tea planters with huge strands of agricultural lands, they grew numerous kinds of products and gave Amma huge amounts thinking of her marital family as large and needed more. Tea leaves used to be regular, and large gunny bags of mustard seeds for extracting edible oil from the mill, fish from the fishery (which her brothers still give), vegetables, fruits like jackfruits, etc. It was non stop. Both her eldest two brothers sent them regularly through their unending ryots and workers and a Hindi manager who also came in this house regularly. I clearly remember him giving two large drums at Amma's brothers say. His way of speaking was so unique. He was short but very attractive. I later found his wife in Anil Chakravorty's house in Link Road. I was a class X student and studied English grammar there. He was retired teacher from N. G. School, Sonai. It's strange that aunty kept on looking at me and could guess that I might be the relatives of my maternal. I had never seen her before. Her daughter too used to study in Anil Sir's tutions. Then she shared how my third maternal uncle would press the burnt cigar at her tiny daughter's frock or skin. It shocked me. When I shared with Abba meeting her and that the family lived in Geetobitan in the same lane no 6, he immediately went to search the family out but couldn't locate Geetobitan. Oh! I felt sad that they couldn't meet. Abba's relation with all used to be so robust.... After some days, my daijjee (Abba's mother) shared with my Amma how her father's eldest brother (whose wife was the cousin of my daijjee) gave the wooden pillars (as forest access was so easy then by zamindars) to her while they were remaking the kutcha house to pucca. Amma also regularly shared with us how she went to Malugram and Amma was a baby girl then. Nobody then knew that this baby would be married to Abba. And how Amma's family was linked to Abba's from generations.

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14.3.26. Sat. My room. UM. Morning.

When we were still in the joint family in ফুন্না বাড়ি, Abba's third eldest brother who was made a Kazi through Abba's influence often used to engage in tiffs with Abba. We called him মুল্লা Abba. He had done his Islamic studies from Kolkata. He was also the only to obtain second division in Matric among all five educated men then- দাদাজি and his four sons. But he was also famous for being lazy and sleeping too much. Abba was once irritated at the sleeps. It was late morning and his elder brother was still asleep. Abba was shouting while walking in between the two lanes of houses ঘুম ঘুম! মোখা মামু এ জেন কৈশলা, ঘুম ঘুম. It seemed once the saint Moka Mamu had come to their house and even without witnessing that there was one man missing from all of them who was sleeping suddenly started exclaiming ঘুম ঘুম! Then they realised that it was him who was still asleep and it was beyond midday.

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12.3.26. Wed. My room. UM. 7.12 AM.

Kaveri Mukherjee was one of the English news readers of DD. I was in school then. And Abba once stood nearer me for sometime in the room which also consisted of his bed. And he commented on ই বেটি গরম মুকা (Aggressive). Well this word was directed towards me for the first time in AIG hospital when I in some confusion entered the doctor's office assistant's room and a young staff was irritated and snapped. I snapped back and then the male staff called me in and said in English "Everything is ok but you should not be aggressive." It shocked me. I kept quiet. In the college department my subject colleague Dr. Mithu Mahanta also repeated the same word "Aggressive" in context to the male team who she said were slightly cautious of me because I was aggressive.... Yes. I think they are right. I remember how quiet, timid, and fearful I was in school. So-called brother's constant vile behaviour and pukey marriage/s have changed me forever. All the theories have been right. Some serious reasons in life changes our reactions and the pattern of our lives.

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9.3.26. Mon. Dining Table. UM. 10.23 AM.

This morning Abba came into my dream: "I lifted the window screen and saw he was wearing one of his light peach পাঞ্জাবি and doing some water work standing near the tap. He shoulders were looking strong and stout and in his late 50s and 60s. His visage was neither sad nor happy but thoughtful. He slightly looked at me when I called him. I shouted louder and louder. He was unreachable. The following mornings and days I cried and cried for him. But he was absent."

... Yesterday his son fought with Amma for handing over Abba's salary to him from now onwards.... Amma gets just around 25k because there are no dependents. It is her exclusive pension only which she spends mostly in alms and madarsas. He doubts that I take it. But by Almighty's kindness, my father's desire and my respectable salaried job is enough for me and my daughter. Why should my siblings think that I am a thief. I received MANF scholarship while doing PhD and my marriage with my daughter's father was spent from that. Only the car and groom's clothes and gold ring were given by my father. And the eon was sold by me via OLX at almost 1.50 L and keeping 10k, rest of the cash money has been handed over to Abba only. This had taken place just before Abba fell ill in 2024 and the money he kept in the blue godrej Almirah which was also gifted to him by me, the money was being openly used by his son and Amma. One of the most stunning examples of the usage of the car money was when he gave the monthly fees of his daughter and mine to the মেসাব for the Arabic classes and he Whatsapp me to give him my daughter's part to him via UPI!...There's no proof of my greed towards my parents' salary or pension that my siblings have or will have....

Thought neurons are forever in the pollination and cross pollination. I was about to write how my father used to beautifully write "Acute fever" with his extraordinary handwriting under the 'Reason' column in Holy Cross's school diary. I used to marvel at the new word 'acute' and his offbeat handwriting. I still do.... I am wondering where, how and what must he be doing in this fasting month....

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7.3.26 Sat. My room. UM. 6.48 AM.

I wish Abba was nearby in his room next to my corridor and I may have slyly shared that I have diverted or changed my study area a bit. Now, I am trying with climate change, digitisation, etc. But political studies have always been in my inherited paternal genes. My first choice of honours in the form was Abba's subject Political Science but he made it change to English. Today my daughter says that she too will study Political science. Amma and I feel pleased. I don't mind. I welcome. When I watch Iran's news on mobile she would snuggle near me and say আমারে দেখাও Iranওর news. Ah! Nice. And she's not 12 yet.... As I try to write and submit papers on climate change I come across Anil Agarwal and Sunita Narain's Down to Earth app for reference. It reminds me how Abba used to often bring the print copy of the same glossy magazine years back when I was still in school.... We remain looped. There is nothing called an 'end'. And when I am reading (books bought from Amazon) respected Late Mr. Agarwal and Madam Narain's struggles and fights, I am surprised at their capacity, tenacity and inclusiveness to save us 'all' from the brunt of pollutions and contaminations. Ah! Divine people.

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6.3.26. Friday. My room. UM. 5.46 AM.

What not Abba has done to physicalise the science stream in the college. At first, due to the lack of funds, he set up a lottery along with the first band of science teachers like Azad Sir and Shahjahan Sir. The latter have been compelled to resign under the tortures and humiliations of the thief so-called power team. The former has filed RTI against the Principal and the pseudo police of the college from history. Both of their salaries were cut by the A block and the shrewd mafia team just to humiliate. Records of salary cuts of both are there. You may cross check. So, you can surmise what state the college has reached from 2012 onwards principalship.... Another money arrangement was by bringing actress MoonMoon Sen by Abba for a theatre play. The drama was enacted just ahead of the Sonai bridge. I was perhaps in high school then. We three siblings ate dinner in Abba's one long term acquaintance and first batch student Jalal Uncle (Jalal Uddin Mazumder). We sat on the first row. Then Abba took us three inside the makeshift premises to meet the actress. I took an autograph (but years later threw away along with famous cricketer Mohd Azaruddin and tennis player Nitin Kirtani's out of a sense of recurring detachment and uselessness. The latter two had also come when I was a school girl. Kirtane, Leander Paes et. al had come in our school and the cricket match had taken place in Silchar's DSA ground. Remember cricketers Raju and Kapil Dev who used to run often nearer our sittings. We decided to go to cricket at the last moment. Abba was irritated slightly but fast arranged all four seats along with him. He, Amma and their son sat where and in which lobby is not known to me. But I now want to realise that he made them two seats nearer him along with some power people of Silchar. Whereas my sister and I sat in a female lobby where there were girls and women from influential families too. Then famous daily Bengali newspaper সোনার Cachar's late owner's younger daughter Rupa Roy, later a beauty queen and student from our school was seated just next to us sisters).... Returning back from digression, Abba shared that when he asked her to contribute to the development of the science stream she just gave one thousand rupees which may be equivalent to a fifty thousand of present time. It was no big help to the science stream.... Another financial help was given by Minister Gautam Roy before the arrival of the first NAAC team, which I acknowledged from Sabir Sir's farewell speech. He shared it with hilarity that how Mr. Roy seeing Abba with his college team said ঠিক আছে, বুজতে ফারচি. হিন্দু, মুসলিম, মনিপুরী, সবরে নিয়া আইছো. এখন কি লাগে সেটা খইন! I forgot the exact amount but it was with his contribution, a separate RCC room for the Principal was built.... I don't care that the college hardly cares about Abba and the notorious team was badly and secretly actually waiting for his exit from the world. In truth, I started becoming a victim of their abuses and humiliations when Abba first started falling ill from 2024 and the making of papyrus vol 1. The open attack was by the history department only and some kind of raspiness is persisting along with the open or secret support of the principal, GB and Bengali department.

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5.3.26. Thursday. Abba's Room. UM. 4.03 AM.

The joke of triple talak at one go has been prevalent from decades in my witnessed life. And polygamy has been banned a few months back by our CM Mr. Hemanta Biswa Sarma. I wish Abba was here. He would have also shown me his thoughtful sweet smile. Triple talak at one go and polygamy have been Muslim women's hidden scars for hundreds of years. From my known acquaintances I can cite multiple such examples. And ironically I have experienced triple talak at one go both times. I tore and demolished the first one because it used to send shivers in my heart, eyes and each muscle. The second one's original copy is missing from my files. Either it has been stolen by my daughter's father and family when I was in Uttar Krishnapur or by my so-called brother who must have stolen it to misuse it when time fits him best. However, I have the photocopy and attached it with my mail. When my daughter's father had sent it and my father read it, he told me in a feeble voice ইকান ফড়িয়া আমার জানো কিতা করের. Oh! Imagine what outsiders do to the daughters and fathers of the world! Constant warning and demands of polygamy by my daughter's father from nearly twelve years until this polygamy ban has iced my heart towards him forever. A few days back I blocked his number. His nonstop video calls disturbs me badly realising that his coming back means again going away. He is free to remarry as his only demand is my body and never my daughter's and my needs of any kind, except two thousand rupees, five thousand rupees and a five rupee note, once each in these twelve years apart from a two bicycles, a three or four frocks in eids, two poor quality science models, two soft toys, and two toy houses on her birthdays in all these twelve years. And a desire for another woman and a perfect family is his deep desire with complete support from his ultra shrewd mother until the ban and seven years non bailable jail.... My heart has iced. And a peaceful life is never possible until his mother is alive. And she's a heman and may outlive me, my mother and daughter. I am not taunting but her sturdy, un-diseased physic and an iron life-spirit is the signal.... When my first marriage broke my father's last surviving eldest sister was still alive and she came home here and openly rebuked my father আর মানোর ফুড়িনতর বিছারো যাওয়া বন্দ করো. আর ইতাত যাইও না. It was clear that she intended to say that some innocent girl's বদদোয়া reworked upon me. Abba inherited his father's and second eldest brother's বিছারি title. And all throughout life he monitored people's numerous wars of lands, business deals, marriages, divorces, etc, irrespective of religions. As far as I realise Abba's last বিছার was my young driver Biplab Nath's divorce. Divorce is not permitted in Hinduism. But the girl's drunkard father hit Biplob's mother in a tiff and she needed stitches which she showed to Abba and me here in our front yard. Abba was already ill, slow and feeble then. And for my daughter's and my sake he went to the বিছার set somewhere in one of the ward commissioner's house Mr. Ramu Nath. When Abba returned he shared the Mr. Ramu who is late Dr. Rukmini Nath's son and the entire Nath community plus a good number of Muslims were at one side with the girl only. And Abba was with Biplob and his parents. In silence the divorce took place. There was no opposition because Abba was there. The next day I asked him what money was decided. I think he said twenty thousand. And a few weeks earlier Amma and I had asked him about the cause of her exit. He said, it started with her getting up late and his 'strict' father objected to it and from there all exploded. She went away in anger and her drunkard father came to their home and in male absence accidentally pushed his mother. She fell down and hit the head. The girl was not even eighteen and he said that they lied about that too and he too might be in legal trouble for that.... Imagine a divorce for getting up late.... Imagine another divorce for giving tea first to the husband and not his mother. The latter had taken place in the দক্ষিণ মোহনপুর village. They were my same aforementioned paternal aunt's husband's ঘুষটি. The husband was a vet doctor and also regularly came here to see our cows. I was perhaps in primary classes then. And the couple (now both dead) are still known as Shanta's parents. This eldest daughter was perhaps of my age when that sin took place. And she had two more sisters. The third one was new and still weening. Oh! This girl perhaps never saw her paternal house and village ever. The father remarried soon and had children from that marriage too. When his mother came to his table and charged তর বৌয়ে আমার আগে তরে ছা কিলা দিলো! ওগুরে এলকু তালাখ দে! He turned towards her and tripled it! When her old father came to take her back forever she fell down at his feet crying বাবা আইজ তুমার ফুড়ি কলঙ্কিনী ওইলো! Oh! Dear Readers, please remember all these tragic punchlines forever!... Years later when the so-called doctor realised and his mother was perhaps dead then, he wanted to take her back. He caught Abba to intervene. Abba sent Amma to her. I was with Amma. She lived with her old mother and brothers' families in Kanakpur, Silchar and they were Amma's mother's ঘুষটি, extended family. I think I was a college student then or just finished college. She was moving very fast when she served us tea and eatables. I think she was feeling tense. Amma smiled and said তুমার এইননু নিতা ছাঁইত্রা. She replied কিলা? বুবু কিলা. এলকু ওতা ওয় নি.... After a few months or a year or so, we came to know that cancer caught her and she died. Amma went to see her on the last day too. Her mother whenever she met my mother used to say আমি ছাই আমার ফুড়ি আমার আগে মরতো, আমার আতো মরতো. নাইলে আমি বাদে ইগুর অরো দুঃখ ওইবো. This was indicative that life with brothers and their families were equally miserable for her. I believe it fully because I am going through it each day here. She truly died before her mother and the third daughter who had then become young were also married before the maternal grandmother died. The role of maternal grandparents are most contributing in the lives of children of divorced or separated parents. They become equal protectors along with the mothers.

We tend never to think and talk about the role of maternal grandparents and mother's sister/sisters being most contributing in the lives of children of divorced or separated parents. They become equal protectors along with their fighter mothers. Love and allegiance towards such maternal grandparents & aunts become naturally stronger and most intense. They become one family. Such maternal grandparents & aunts deserve bestest respects and powers.... And these children despite having a possible or no 'scar tissue', growing up under the love, inclusion, tutelage, care and protection of such maternal grandparents, aunts & mothers are often witnessed as more well mannered, finer, softer, yet strong and wiser.

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4.3.26. Wednesday. UM. My room. 2.17 PM. Abba's Room.

Abba's friend Shitu uncle is still alive. A few months back I came across his neighbour in an auto from Silchar. Seeing an old woman and nearer the severe sunside, I winked at her to move nearer me in the middle of my right side. Plus, that would also keep us free from any male sitting in between us.... After my gesture, she started asking where in Sonai do I come from. When I revealed Abba's address, she was surprised. She was surprised, pleased and revealed that she had visited Abba's second eldest brother's (Gulezar Ali Mazumdar) funeral and upon hearing Abba's announcement, her head spun, and she felt unwell. She said that how Abba used to joke with her, addressed her as বৌদি whenever he visited his friend Shitu Uncle. When she said that I felt a bit surprised that Uncle was still alive. These batteries of friends were Abba's youth companions and I remember very, very clearly that I had visited a marriage there with Abba, Amma and siblings. Abba was surrounded by large numbers of Hindu family members of Uncle and the latter was constantly smiling. I think he was very pleased that Abba took the entire family. I was a small school girl then. Then while serving food, Abba told them to serve me the tomato dish. I felt awkward that Abba should everywhere say that tomato was my favourite. In silent anger I refused it although in my heart I regretted not taking it and also may be hurting or embarrassing my father. But, you can imagine my anger fit right from such childhood. But, watch how my father was only gesturing and shouting at what I ate. He didn't care for the other three's favourite eatables or dishes ever. So, don't you agree yet that he loved me the most after his mother in his entire world! Oh!... The aged neighbour was returning from one of her daughter's flats in Silchar. I travel in public transport a few times each month to save my petrol money, save climate change and keep my hubris regulated by moving with people who do not have personal cars.... She also shared that Shitu uncle had become too thin and is always at rest.... We talked a few more things. She shared how Dr. Thakuria of Lifeline Hospitals did a very good cataract eye surgery for her at 40,000 each eye.... While getting down in the bazar I gestured at her with a slightly folded hands saying দুআ খরবা. In return she said অতো সুন্দর চেহেরা তুমার.... I realised that my skin genes, particularly the maternal was working in late 40s even. This skin quality was another reason for sure that Abba was very loving towards me. When his son had again fallen in love with a half-Kashmiri, half-Assamese Muslim girl and wanted to marry her and my younger sister was taken by him to Guwahati, and when she returned she told Amma and I ইগুরে আব্বায় ফাইলে, আফামনি আব্বায় তরে ফাউরি জাইবা! Amma and I laughed. The hybrid girl was so pretty. Her father was an expelled IAS officer. Later, she too cracked it and I saw her in the newspaper. My sister warned him and Amma never to agree for her because her frontyard was more posh than our rooms and she doesn't deserve these and cannot be expected to live here. After her wise warnings the affair stopped....

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3.3.26. Tuesday. UM. My room. 5.47 AM.

Yesterday I turned 47 years old. And it was teeming with hyper gastric. The sweating was from the forehead, under-eyes, body and the chest, face and hands became cold until I puked and went to the washroom. This is the second time in a week and yesterday was more intense than the previous one. The headache is still persisting from last evening. These new diseases have started peeping ever since Abba is missing from the home and additional tortures of a so-called brother newly erupted for lands and houses given to us daughters by Abba and where I already invested lakhs.... If Abba were here, how many new ways he would have been trying to get me back okay.... My mother and daughter are nearby and my mother these days gets very tense whenever my health fails. Both of them are dependent upon me and I need to be healthy for them. So, I turned to the Almighty again this morning whom I betrayed when people in my life betray me. Strange way with my God. My way of revenging the God.... I had created my daughter's passport years back when my mother said that they both want to fast one holy month there and that time it would be with my girl and me. What has happened! My procrastination has undone it. I thought my father would be there for many more times and I would accumulate the haj money once I again begin saving my salary.... Oh!

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2.3.26. Monday. My room. UM. 8.27 AM.

Came from the graveyard a while ago. Can't believe that my father is not here....

From ফথা or sehri time, it's again recurring how Abba's a university (GU) batch friend had accessed him. He was probably from Guwahati only and was going to be the Deputy Governor of RBI but needed a ministerial recommendation too. Through Abba's other regular guwahatian friends he interacted with Abba. Mr. S. M. Dev was at the Central ministry then. Abba went to him and got it done. And soon the batch friend got the post. I am thinking that not just at the local level, my father stood tall beyond and till the national.... At the same time I regret that most of these men and women didn't thank him enough or never thanked and even sabotaged him. The college sabotage has been the most painful. Even a man like S. M. Dev was not thanked enough, I guess.... Or, do people deliberately forget favours soon

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1.3.26. Sunday. Abba's Room. UM. 7.16 AM.

I regret the wrong reaction with Abba while in the greenview hospital during my daughter's birth. Id was just over and nobody had come to see me and my baby that day. Not even from so-called in-laws. It was a completely lonely day and one of the shameless non-Muslim nurses had even taunted the baby and me. The next day Abba had come along with his eldest nephew and his wife and from in-laws side my mother-in-law's younger sister had come with her daughter-in-law. And I burst at Abba in front of so many visitors. ঈদর দিন ও আইলায় না একজন তা! Abba immediately left the room. He was surprised and embarrassed. And when he left I too was embarrassed. He then peeped in and out and soon left with his nephew and the latter's wife. My each breath regrets it. My each heart beat is ashamed of that evening's anger fit. I say trillion, trillion times sorry to my father through this writing now....

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28.2.26. Sat. Abba's Room. UM.

Abba also didn't come to know about how once while being a school girl yet, my anger climbed the clouds. It was inside the running car while from school. I don't remember the exact point of the tiff with my sister . And in anger I threw my sister's Milton water bottle's cap outside the moving car through the right window. I still have this habit of sitting behind the driver's seat. Privacy is an expected thing for me. Although at the same time I regret not being an extrovert. When I threw it out and she asked uncle to stop the car to get it, even he was fully taken aback and exclaimed বড় uncle! As he addressed us বড় uncle, ছুটো uncle (my sister) and boss (brother). The incident took place somewhere near মাজিরগাম village. Our parents never knew this tiff. I wish Abba had known this too. My anger fit was out right from early childhood. Today, it is in explosive states and I imagine under-zero ego for paradise! My Abba had this zero ego. He forgave people each time. He went first to re-meet ired people. He shook hands first.... The proof was on December 26th 2024 when forty or more than forty thousand men came to his janaja in N. G. School's sports field. The bazar shops were all closed down. Oh! Abba

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27.2.26. Friday. Abba's room. UM. 6.18 AM.

Abba would sometimes ask for a ten rupee note from Amma or me on Fridays just before leaving for jummah. In his last couple of mobile years, I used to keep a few notes in the small, bamboo container on his table. Ah! I miss those Fridays.... From yesterday it's still sending shivers in my heart remembering as if he is in the AIG premises waiting in the wheelchair for his turn to the doctors. In full flesh, sounds and looks! Reading the newspapers most of the time while waiting.

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26.2.26. Thursday. My room. UM. Sonai. 7.5 AM.

When we used to come in our car (bottle green Maruti Zen) my sister and I once started singing our English prayer songs. We started and then we felt shy and stopped. Then, Mr. Sudarshan Fulmali who drove our car (from school till our university days and whom we lovingly called 'Uncle' as Abba asked) intervened and asked us to continue গাও গাও! বন্দ খরি লায়লায় খেনে, গাও. At his encouragement we sang all the way back home. It was a beautiful journey that day. And for a countable, few more times we did.... I felt so purely happy that time. But, I have never shared it with Abba or our mother yet. I don't know if my sister remembers those song-journeys but those were a few rose-tinted days. That day was bright with a mild summer. I wish I had told Abba. I wish we both had sang like that before him even once. How happy he would have felt.

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25.2.26. Wednesday. Abba's Room. UM. Sonai. 5.53 PM.

Strange istaars now without Abba's sounds and movements....I remember my daughter was still a toddler and her paternal haven't seen her from more than two or three years, Abba did half istar with me in this room for full fasting month. On the first or second istar, his son created a hassle and out of spiked pain, anger, and sense of exclusion I stopped istar in the dining with the couple. Only Abba felt the level of my life, inside, outside. Nobody else bothered. Rather they were relieved and ate with full boisterousness. Amma too never called for one istar or joined me here. Only Abba came and joined me after doing half istar with them three. Imagine his depth. If other men inside and outside this house would hit and kick me hard, he would be there to replace all of them. But n.... I would somehow manage to do the istaar sitting at the corner of one of the beds. My daughter would fun around and Abba would use his table and chair. He showed that I was never alone...but n

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24.2.26. Tuesday. Abba's Room. UM. Sonai. 6.47 AM.

While graduating in Guwahati, I actually came across fashion for the first time. In reality my tribal friends, a Sema girl from Dimapur, whose father was a Muslim from Silchar used to influence me to change my way of dressing. Her pass subject was economics with me and we also shared the Gen English and Alt English together. When she came to know of my Silchar origin, she decided to befriend me. I must say that guwahati is a fully fashionable city unlike other metro cities and tribal girls are always tip-top in dressing....My parents and siblings had come later after my admission. We were all together in Fancy bazaar. In a shoe shop, a pair of silver strapped shoes with nearly pointed heels caught my sight. I was determined to buy. Abba said ইতা কুনো তুইন ফিন্তে ফারবে নি. But I wanted it. They gave. I wore it there only carrying the old ones inside the new bag. As I walked in front of my father along the pedestrian I again felt ashamed. Because I was struggling with the tall heels and I was fully sure he was watching it.... So many things my father gave me which so-called men I came across wouldn't. My daughter's father still is waiting to re-go and re-feed, re-car him with my salary.... A band of men have been traumatic to me. Again another also helped me a lot. And in the latter, my father stands tallest.

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23.2.26. Monday. Abba's Room. UM. Sonai. 4.24 AM.

Abba's second eldest brother's eldest son had sold Abba's cow which was in custody with a farmer. We had already left our original ancestral house to this house. Abba called him here and rebuked him very mildly. He hung his head down in silence. This same nephew was given job as teacher in LP school or Model school of Sonai. He retired a few months back. But the tendency to use Abba's and Amma's possessions remained for a very long time. Another time, his eldest brother's third son had slitted a hen of ours under his bike's tyres just in front of this house. My younger siblings were playing. I hardly played outdoors. I was physically fragile from birth onwards. My sister witnessing the finished hen approached and said that it is our hen. He held the dead and dripping hen and said "It is our one, right." She reiterated that it was only ours and not 'the ours.' Amma smiled when she related it. We were under ten-twelve then. That day, the biker sent the money of the hen. We kept. Abba was still in the college. This tendency still continues. This house has the names of Abba's eldest brother's children and their house bears ours. This was part of the old, silly joint systems of remaining so-called united forever. We don't have the tendency to grab theirs but they have. Abba's liver failed at the point when his two nephews verbally attacked him in our masjid for it. The next morning when he tried to go to the washroom he fell down. Due to the sounds of fan blades, my little daughter's sound could not be heard immediately. When I and Amma came to this room, she was trying to pull him up with her tiny hands. I screamed, rushed, hugged him and instantly picked him up with all my energy, back to bed. After some hours when he tried the same to washroom, he fell again. I picked. Third time the next morning, my energy was drained. I told my daughter to call the son of the house. He came and picked him up.... The impacts of such silly, so-called uniting points are dangerous hassles for future. Hadn't these knots not made, the masjid episode (Abba kept on denying that he didn't do it. And his signature was forged. His haughty nephews disbelieved him and shouted at him) have taken place, the liver wouldn't have failed so soon. With such liver, patients could survive for a decade. And the last salt on the scar was sprinkled by his son who waited for Abba to exit. He kept on attacking me for staying in this house. And Abba now wanted to exit.... Now, he usurped the other sister's entire land and house shares. And he kept my floor in Silchar locked from months. These were the only reasons he wanted Abba to exit.

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22.2.26. Sunday. Abba's Room. Sonai. 9.07 AM.

When we had stayed in rent for three years in Amma's mother's paternal second or third cousin's house, before the making of the peshkar jangal house, during a Eid time, Amma had taken us for Eid shopping. I bought a white churidar. I was in the HS in G.C.College then. The cost of the white churidar with embroidery on, was 600 rupees. And when in the Abba reached there from the college, he saw it. It was spread in the bed. He face was knotted. The cost was too much. Both my parents didn't like me choosing it. Their faces said it. But they didn't utter a word. But after that whenever I wore it, I was filled with guilt and shame. The image of the dress is still afresh in mind.

We two daughters have been brought up under strict or limited clothing, etc unlike the son who was given a gold chain and suit coat while in school only. Did he force out the gold chain because we daughters wore the regular gold earrings and chains, maybe. I don't know. Except studies expenditure, our expenses have been under sad control. In fact, I have become so used to that way of dressing up that even amidst friends and now clothes, I am known for remaining simple. Dr. Hamida of the Bengali dptt in our college once smilingly exclaimed Madam afne oto simple thakoin khene!  Sometimes I wonder if my way of dressing like this was also one of the reasons that the men I was married to never found me glueing despite having a pretty face....

Growing up children equally while giving food and dresses, irrespective of gender is a must. Or else, it leaves behind too long impacts.

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16.2.25. Monday. Abba's room. UM. Sonai.

Parenting is so tough. My daughter is going to be over this year. And there is toxicity. I don't want to regret mis-spending time with her. So fast time finished with my father. There are too few negative points with him. Children's failure perhaps hurts us most. And how will the financial life of theirs be if not set from now onwards through academics. And for a daughter the fear of failed marriage chills the spine. I remember Abba seeing my struggle with in-laws, had explained to me নাটক খরতায়. তারার সামনে বালা ঐবার নাটক করতায়. I didn't understand it. I couldn't dramatise life affront them. My candid ways became reasons for divorces. As per the family, extended families and society, I am a culprit before the society for not passing in marital tests. I will try to give the same piece of advice to my daughter but I'm unsure what will happen. Plus, she too will have to bear my stigma.

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15.2.26. Sunday. My room. 1.14 PM. Sonai.

My daughter was completely neglected, excluded and treated as unnecessarily extra by her so-called paternal for being a girl child.... And so and but she became my father's last reason to live life in his last decade and favourite grandchild.... Many many times my father saved women in distress- my daughter, me or my mother.

When my younger sister was born, my mother was about to die because she was shy in sharing with her paternal family doctor about her allergies with penicillin, sulphur and Amoxicillin, right from her childhood. He was then a renowned physician- Dr. Bhowal. His and his brother's houses at Sadarghat actually belonged to Amma's father and uncles. They had sold the lands at a very minimal rate to them when they had come from Bangladesh. After that the families had become very close until Dr. Bhowal died. When he died I was a college student. And I remember he was an extremely brilliant doctor. By looking at face, colour and expression he could say what had diseased the patient. My younger sister had caught typhoid. Amma was with her. Before writing the test, he said it. He had once given me very costly cough tablets and said that my years-long allergy would now go for sure. Abba was with me. But even the best doctors in the country failed in changing my throat line.... Amma gulped the meds and was on the verge of death. She was in our ফুন্না বাড়ি then. It was still the joint family. Abba went to Silchar by himself to fetch Dr. Bhowal. On the way, Abba stopped the vehicle and said ডাক্তার বাবু, decadron লই লাই! The doctor laughed loudly thinking it couldn't be that serious. But Abba bought it. When he reached here and witnessed Amma, holding her wrist pulses, his forehead started sweating. And he agreed for the decadron injection to be pushed. And Amma started reviving back.... This was the way my father served, saved and showed extreme wisdom towards my mother's life. She got married when she was just twenty years old, one year after she passed BA from Cachar College.

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18.2.26. Wed. UM. Sonai. Abba's room.

Abba was still single then. And in that spring phase once, while completely engrossed with the making of the college, going to Guwahati was a regular phenomenon, and he was in our silchar airport premises waiting for the flight. Suddenly, a Manipuri man frenzily began searching for a ticket amongst the waiting passengers. Tickets were finished, he had something too, too urgent in Guwahati and the authorities suggested only if any passenger would give him the ticket, they would manage him in. The person started desperately asking before everyone. Nobody budged until Abba agreed and gave it to him realising the true urgency. (It is unknown to me if the ticket price was paid to Abba by him). He returned back home (the old ancestral house) and saw his mother on the praying mat. That day, that Boeing crashed! This anecdote has been passed decade after decade to everyone in the families and even today they believe that his mother's extreme love and praying for son miraculously saved him.... But then Abba was too young, and his life was not only needed by his mother, the college, us but even beyond.

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12.2.26. Thursday. College. 8.53 AM. Sonai. Tulargram-2.

When in Cotton, I once came using Jagannath Travels. It was owned by Shri Troilokya Bhushan Nath or T. B. Nath. He was a business tycoon. His daughter is an MLA too right now. When Abba fought for elections from the congress ticket, he too fought as an independent candidate, got more votes but did not win. As per them, the Muslims cheated him despite him giving them unending money. There was a poor Muslim man who got a thela through him and exclaimed তৈলক্য আমার আল্লা! It was such a laughter all around. One of his relatives Bidhuparna Nath was in English with me in Cotton. She has arranged a ticket in Jagannath Travels from Guwahati to Silchar. I forgot to tell Abba how well the bus staff treated me thinking me as family or acquaintance of the extended Nath family. In one of the stoppages, one bus-helper asked if I would like to have tea. This surprised me and I realised how Bidhu and her aunt have tutored them. I am grateful to them. Bidhuparna was from Sibsagar.... There are so many such tidbits I didn't share with my dearest father

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10.2.26. Monday. 2.27 PM. UM. Abba's Room. Sonai.

I am ill from Saturday onwards. Viral fever which I transmitted from Amma and by mistake gulped expired cough syrup twice yesterday. If Abba was here and hale and hearty, he would have made me something or the other to get well soon. Maybe eggs, juice, etc.... When balika badhu serial's heroine, pratyusha Bannerjee died, committed suicide or was murdered, it was Abba who conveyed it to me. It was trending in the news channels. Then we discussed how young she was. Abba's face was sad although he never watched the famous serial.... This kind of minute relations we two shared which was never experienced by his son and much less by the other daughter.

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8.2.26. Sunday. 10.25 AM. My room. UM. Sonai.

Have just finished cooking. Snowpea in dry fish for Amma & my daughter. Tomato roasted in garlic for all three. Red meat cooked in snowpea. And fried lettuce. Rice will be cooked just before lunch. For breakfast there was poha oil-fry in onions and tea. All have been cooked well. My daughter says to my mother, "নানু, এখন আমার মার রান্দা tasty ওই গেছে." I keep on thinking why my cooking was most of the bad when my father was there. Was it because I suffered from deep depressions, guilt and hidden shame before my father that because of my bad marital life he was also facing social stigma? He is not here anymore and ever since this one year most of my cooking is becoming tasty. My younger sister had once shared that once he told her over phone to her in Guwahati, the type of flatbreads I make. কিজাত রুটি বানায়, টানিয়া ছিড়া যায় না. To which she rebuked শুক্কুর খরো, তেবো ফাইত্রায় ত! রুটি বানাইয়া দের ত! মানে ফইসা দিয়া ও খামোর মানু ফাইত্রা না আর ফুয়ার বউআইনতে আইজখাইল দেইন না, দেখরায় ত! To all these he completely agreed as she shared with me after he left me. I feel sad if I could cook goodly for him! But some smokey feelings always reeled in my head, eyes and heart because of martial stress. He left. He couldn't change my marital life except education and a job. He too suffered from this pain and stress. Once over rebuked by Amma over his over-intake of paan, he said ছিনতায় খাই. She asked কিতা ছিনতা? He thud তুমার ফুড়ির ছিনতা! Amma had immediately shared it with me. That sharing increased my smoke. And it is still there.... I still don't know if I am too sensitive, if I am not a marriage material, all women go through expected humiliations, my truth is my default error, my sister's denouncing me as narcissist is true, childhood physical traumas given by so-called brother, mother & a few paternal and maternal so-called kins made my nature like this,...? Or, all these are the reasons!

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6.2.26. Friday. 8.11 AM. Abba's Room. UM. Sonai.

I am worried that my mother keeps on lying down in silence with shut eyes. It reminds me of my father's ways in his last year. Am I & my daughter going to become so alone. Their son has declared the last great war against me for houses & lands. And their other daughter also always blamed me for narcissism and the root of all evils at home, to which our parents also agreed in Abba's last year. Being the root cause of all evils at home was first surfaced by their son years back in private, affront outsiders.... Truth will always make you a criminal of my type.... Still, I will continue writing for my father. He deserves these writings. The people deserve to know.... When in Hyderabad, in one of the visits, I had taken my parents and daughter to a children's park and viewed the great, unending Hussain Sagar lake. But the lake water was looking blurred and thick. This was not a good thing. Opposite it, lay the spacious park. I took my girl inside. Amma joined us. Abba too tried but failed to cross after the main entrance. Oh! How our bodies recede! He remained there. My heart felt pierced. I was also thinking what he must be feeling at this inability. We told him to sit somewhere and wait. Inside, we three hurriedly smeared. The children's park was quite layered inside but in such a situation couldn't be explored fully. When outside, Abba and I thought to eat something. And what could be better than green coconut water and some other fruits. Abba voraciously ate fruits his entire life, large plates of fruits. But it did not do much good in keeping his liver rejuvenated. His damaged mouth walls may have been saved by these antioxidant filled fruits and never developed oral cancer, which we all always feared and precautioned but the liver sank unspared. When he was diagnosed with the CLD, it was actually late.... So, I surmise, while we take care of one organ, another may be becoming feeble unknown to us. This is the reality of body & health....

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3.2.26. Tuesday. 4.23 AM. Abba's room. UM. Sonai.

In Kolkata, guwahati, or Hyderabad airport, I used to love taking Abba or Amma to washrooms in wheelchairs. Not only did it give me peace, I used to feel like setting an example to others duties as a daughter, shravan-like child of parents and women-power. Sometimes, in the later journeys out of the total six, to & fro, the flight helpers used to arrive but I loved and enjoyed doing it. I also used to feel sorry, sad and strange, particularly for my father who was such a robust, hardworking, workaholic and active man but then required wheelchairs. In Hyderabad's AIG hospital premises, he was in a wheelchair and came across Minister Moinul Hoque Choudhury's one of the nieces. Her father was also an MLA from Sonai. Abba was the right hand of both the brothers. They were from his blood kins and addressed my Dadi as 'Mami.' I will repeat here that our house has been their mother's own 'Nanibari'. And that niece exclaimed আফনার ইতা হাল্লত কিতা! But from the wheelchair, Abba talked to her robustly as if his past memories have been revived! I again felt sad and pleased.... Oh! Now, I am wearing my father's sweater which I had gifted him from an online buy. I feel I should have gifted him more and more and more.... I look at my death as the door to meet and relive life with my father. But before that I am trying to make some provisions for my daughter. She has been badly abandoned again and again by her so-called father and paternal ever since in the womb. I can't leave her homeless and property less like me. I can't commit the foolish mistake my parents did towards us daughters or remain light as they were. The so-called families and the world are truly harsh towards daughters, sisters and women. I am silently fighting with so-called brother to take back my paternal assets and restore them to my daughter.... At the same time, I constantly think of my nephew, a beautiful son of my younger sister who is a special child. My heart cries for him too that he has been completely robbed of his mother's property by his mother's childhood so-called best friend and so-called brother.... I constantly tweet our state CM to do 50-50 property division in between siblings irrespective of gender and religion....

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31.1.26. Saturday. 10.44 AM. Sonai.

It was Sabir Sir's (Retd as Associate Prof in the dptt of English in Abba's college) farewell day. Abba, over the mic expressed in Bengali, "আমি ই college ও এই ভাবে কেউরে Farewell দিতে প্রথম বার দেখিয়ার." He was pleased. Actually, the addition was the parade of the NCC which made it look honoured. I still feel why the same person in charge of the NCC didn't do the same for Abba or other retirees. In 2024, a female colleague shared how and what this man had feelings and words used against Abba. According to him, his entry in this college was through Sabir Sir not in a institution created by my father. The attack now continues upon me too and he has made a good, strong team with four other men. Men also attack you for not being flirty. This has made the workplace extremely toxic too. Abba left me with these worries. His son and his employees have made these two places too like the in-laws' place.... I am only worried for my little daughter. Without my father and now (if) without me, the quality of her life.... A few months back, Sabir over the phone shared about Abba, "Sirওর ব্যক্তিত্ব unique আছলো. Unique Personalityর আসলা."

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30.1.26. Friday. 2.59 AM. Abba's room. UM. Sonai.

When Abba led me to Cotton, I hadn't gotten to the college hostel instantly. So, he arranged my seat in the girls mess at dighalipukuri, which was his university friend Shamim Aunty's younger sister's. The latter was also the lecturer in the department of education in our college. The food was good and homely. Aunty privately shared that she would sometimes secretly call me for any food with them because of Abba's. She called Abba পটলকা. All was fine. I think there were around ten to fifteen girls. Except for another girl from economics, all the rest were from the science stream. And most of them were in HS except one who was in degree. All of us were cottonians and all the others were hindus. Then in less than a month I guess I left the mess. Abba soon came and arranged another mess in chandmari. The real reason why I left the mess has never been shared or disclosed to him. I told my parents that the girls had small idols and as soon as it is evening or magrib time they start worshipping their gods, I feel uncomfortable and so want to change. I knew Abba didn't like it. The owners, Assamese Muslims were among his bestest friends circle. Aunt's husband called me and said, "Why do you want to leave? We share such good relations with Potol." I kept total silence. In the first year in Guwahati, I spoke only English or Hindi in the markets. Abba too never said anything to me and let me change. Actually, picking lice from each other's hairs in the evening behind pulled screens was just a small irritating sight for, not the reason. The real reason was when I witnessed the number of hours these science students spend in studies. They would frolic in the evening time for a very less period, I think an hour or sometimes even less. Otherwise, they just studied, studied and studied. They remained glued to their chairs in all the three or four rooms. I felt suffocated. I never understood then that actually this was the way true students of science really worked hard. But the girls still remained happy and hardly gossiped anything extraneous. I wish I had been more close to my father and could tell him this was the reason and in return if he would have motivated me to imitate them, I would have done better in my graduation. Secretive with parents or hiding from parents, especially from a wise parent like my father has not been a poor idea. Parents too should just become friends with children forever. Or else, such unknown gaps take birth. I realise my second sadness or depression in my life took place because of the Marks obtained during graduation. This too remained unknown to my father. The ghastly fall in marks had splintered my head, heart and health. Although in the third year, the marks became a bit respectable but the haunts of the first two years still bangs. I couldn't at all understand the subject of English Literature for the first two years. It left a lifelong impact upon me. My honours choice of political science, which was also his subject and was made to strike out and replaced by Abba only in the front yard of Cotton in the morning of admission. I felt so disturbed. And I didn't want to disobey him again. Earlier I did by not taking science as the stream after matric or 10th exam. Because of the first division he thought I deserved science. With life and observation I found out that a huge number of science students actually got second division in matric but then did better with science later. I also have immense respect for such science students and would caution true students of Arts to study like the science students of Cotton.... Apart from this, I remember how Abba liked the window-grill design of the house in Aunty's flat or the sitting room. He got a small piece of paper from his Punjabi pocket or from Aunty's room perhaps, took out his pen and started drawing the design. Later he used this design in our house in Peshkar Jangal with a slight change. We were seated on the sofa when he was drawing the design. Amma too was there. I felt embarrassed but now I realise it was his simplicity and thin ego that he could openly tell his friend's sister and copy like that, like a child.... The point of time aunty returned me the advanced cash money was very embarrassing and filled with guilt before her, her husband and Abba.... Life is layered with more unsaid things.... Even later, Abba remained in touch with her. He would call her over phone and ask their welfare. Once she shared that her husband died. He held a very good position in the state administrative academics I remember and had once come to Abba's college. I remember Abba was surprised that amidst such closeness he had asked for one thousand car fare for coming till the college from Silchar and back. But even then he called them to enquire their welfare. His love for guwahati made guwahati close to me too, not for me living and studying there for three years. Because it was him who kept guwahati and Assamese completely pinned to his heart, head and dressing. His use of Assamese gamocha remained with him till the last year.... I miss you Abba. Please come back. Please look at me again. Please show me your benign eyes again to me.... And your sound, your fragrance.....

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28.1.6. Wednesday. College. West block.

When Abba was opening the science stream in his college I was a school student. Biswajit Sir was the Mathematics professor. He died a few years. A always smiling man. He came to teach Maths to me and my siblings. But the fear of maths never got cured even now. When sir came to teach we lived in rent house in Kanakpur. The rent was two thousand I remember. And it was very high for my parents. But Abba wanted us to live in good house. So, we continued and lived there for nearly two years or more. It was here Biswajit Sir used to come to teach. One evening I had locked my room because younger brother bad verbally abused me badly. Sir was waiting for me. Then, Amma had to send the working boy through the outside sills to convey. Right from early childhood, I became victim of male gaze which has silently smashed me long before the pounds of marriages. My parents sadly never knew, understood or even now my knaive mother does not understand it. I have started thinking that my life will perhaps last for five years or...? An urgent end is being waited by so-called brother and my daughter's father and the latter's family.... I now make technical errors while putting up students' marks. I think till now it has happened three times already in these three years. Once earlier and twice last year. This proves what's happening to me, my life and my lives associated with me, my students. Is it good that my father exited? How much more disaster would he witness!

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27.1.26. Tues. Abba's room. Abba's bed. 6.21 PM. UM. Sonai.

Forcing myself to write. Only I can write rigorously about Abba. There's no second person who can write like this.... It always flashed with anguish when Mr. Misbaul was the cooperative minister or maybe some other minister from the Barak valley had sent someone to help write Abba's struggle for education. Abba and I were not at home. Amma and the younger daughter were there. When I came home, they shared it with me and laughed and laughed. Their laughter still angers me. I realised that they didn't understand at all that Abba was already among the list of the great men of the valley. It was this realisation of mine that Abba sensed and valued me more than the other three at home. One day he witnessed and realised that I was amassing all his gamocha and uttorios received from various programs as Chief Guest. He said with calmness and soft eye movement, রাখরায় নি. রাখো! Oh! He realised that I valued his public image that way. I felt shy too that he caught me. The bag is still there inside my bed in my room....

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24.1.26. Sat. Abba's Room. 4.48 AM. UM. Sonai.

In 2024's, during Abba's last few months and in this same bed when he was under my care, I would have to stay near him as much as possible. Sometimes I would bring the laptop to write my paper. As he lay, he would turn and see me typing or reading and would very peacefully say, ফরিত্রায়নি? ফড়ো. Those points of time from him still motivate me. As if my reading and writing gave him peace even in such last stages of CLD when he had become so weak. Oh! The memory of his weakness slits my heart and eyes!... Good food is a rich man's blessing but this same rich food or over eating can over burden livers. Not just this, my parents and I became constant victims of black magic. Mis-charmed waters, mis-charmed food harms our physics too. It affects the liver, stomach, or any part. Bad brings the bad. My father too became a victim right from his youth. I wish if families and acquaintances had spared him, he would have continued for another twenty years....

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23.1.26. Fri. Abba's Room. 4.38 AM. UM. Sonai

Yesterday too I couldn't blog because I was in complete dismay and weeping that my mother is not bothered that I am seriously thinking of moving to rent because of her son but her thought is that she will or has to succumb to son's family.... After Abba went away afar what happened to our mother is that she and her younger daughter are completely afraid of their son and so-called brother. The other daughter has completely surrendered her prop shares to the sinner and usurper and is in utter secret sadness, cursing him, and worried for a house for her and her son in future. Our mother thinks it is quite normalised but in my protests and not surrendering my shares, she's at times quiet. It is still not clear to me or any other relative or acquaintances why Abba did not documented the daughters' shares in proper, legal ways. Was he also a complete patriarch or was he afraid of his goon son or thoughtful about the social stigma of setting daughters' rights? Any of the three or all three.... I am now not very contemplative about not giving up my rights. Permission of my 3.10.... Kathas land has arrived this week. The plot is near the pump ahead of Sonai Bridge. Abba had made me landfill the 6+ kathas and wall boundary. At the cost of nearly 3.50 lakhs. In three houses and plots I invested my money and I am still not willing to surrender to a goon who misspent student days and later in complete wastage in pride, dressing, running after girls, waiting to own father's houses and lands and misbehaving with me from childhood onwards till now. My shock and anguish towards my parents, particularly my mother is that she never understood that men should not physically and verbally attack women. I am filled with so much detest and exclusion for him that I do not want him to get anything of mine that if my daughter doesn't understand all these then I can give to poors, masjids, old age homes, and needy kins but to him.... When I was trying (affidavit, municipality, khazna in the circle office) for this 3+ kathas land, Amma saw Abba in her dream that he was fast thumping seals in his papers. Is Abba displeased for what I am doing! To make him feel that all his wealth will remain here within his power lines, I shall try to do whatever and whenever possible. All by Almighty's Will.

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21.1.26. Wed. Abba's Room. 4.30 PM. UM. Sonai.

"Today I met Abba in a dream. He was waiting for me in the stilt parking of flats above. And he was watching a flat TV on one of the walls. It was quite dim and my white car swiftly ran in. His beard was not black but coloured black. He looked much younger. He was waiting for me. And turning his face towards me, he asked, জাইতে নানি? আছনা. তরে নেওয়াত আইছি." I didn't reply. The dream ended. My father is waiting for me because he is witnessing the highest level of torture by his son, my daughter's father and a belt of his five male and one female college staff whose jobs had been accomplished at his hands.... I also realise that he is quite okay in the other world. When I shared the dream with Amma, she laughed and was surprised. And said আর ফুড়ি? And then she added sadly ওয়, সব ত দেখরা. And I said, he is waiting for me. Not for anyone else from this house....Tomorrow, my mother will go to her sister's house in Malugram for a few days. She needs a break to her paternal family, it will adjust her depression. She's taking antidepressants for nearly half a decade. But her absence will may be, give me a chance to cry and cry for my father. Touch and smell his clothes. Touch his shoes, his sticks and cry and cry until headaches growl in. But, I fear what and how my life and my daughter would be without her too. Hardest?

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19.1.26. Monday. Room. 8.13 AM. UM. Sonai.

As I try to rehear Jagjit Singh's a ghazal and exploring ghazals by Anita Singhvi, it again flashed in my mind when I was still a schoolgirl, Abba had introduced music cassettes and tape recorder in this same house. There were numerous music cassettes, filmy and non-filmi including Jagjit and Chitra Singh, Alisha Chinai, Aashiqui, and many more. I always found the long maggi like silky reels very awesome thinking how were the songs hidden or written on them. Unfortunately, not a single exists. Abba's squanderer son destroyed them and even the costly tape recorders. Oh! I wish a few were spared. I would have shown the antics my little daughter.... When I tried to take the naps, he would put the music on so that I sleep well and study for longer periods at night. I would rather not sleep all the days but just listen to the songs. Then, hiding way with little opened eyes, try to find out where was Abba. And from the wooden bed, the way to the pond was clearly seen then. He would be walking and looking after his plants by the sides of the path to the pond. His thoughtful eyes and young body, wearing a white vest, the lungi, having a bit ruffled hairs are still so so fresh in my heart! I miss you Abba. Please come back to me....

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18.1.26. Sunday. Abba's room. UM. Sonai. Uttar Mohanpur.

As I wrote previously too, missing blogging upon Abba means the torture heated or refreshed by his son. The latter refused to lift the objection against my applying for my own electric connection in this house, when Amma requested him. He went to the extent of encroaching his other so-called sister's 3 kathas+ land near the petrol pump ahead of our Sonai bridge. His previous order and violence was for the entire plot which was landfilled and walled by me with around four lakhs at Abba's proposal. His next setting was to build a two storey building for two daughters with loan taken from my salary. After much self struggle for around a week, I managed to sheep out Abba, আমার বেতন দিয়া ঘর তুলতায় অইলে তাই কুনোদিন আমারে ইতা ঠেখা ফিরত দিতে ফারবো নি. Abba kept silent and nodded very slightly. Till now I am filled with guilt and confusion if I hurt my father that day and forever. Due to congestion of money, he wanted to use my salary for her too.... Years back, Abba bought two plots in remote Silchar Ramnagar for us two daughters. There too he slipped in, hawkishly took the paper works over. This ground floor he wanted for me and was making the upper for younger daughter. The materials were mostly bought from Sonabarighat's Rahman Traders despite his son's hardware shop having the same products. He used my eon car given in dowry and always sent me to pay the remaining payments. But, his third class son now claims that the products were bought from his shop so this too belongs to him.... The peshkar jangal's three storey were also distributed between three. The ground floor was again renovated by me at Abba's proposal. It was more than 4.5 lakhs again. Now, it has been over locked by him after intimidating me for weeks and months. Yesterday, he again refused to Amma to open it.... My daughter's so-called cheap father had again demanded noc for polygamy until the CM suddenly brought the polygamy ban.... In the college, the same old notorious belt of four and now five have united against me openly. Actually their deep hatred towards Abba was getting flowered from the time he had fallen ill in 2024....So, imagine what has happened to my life. Imagine what has again happened to my heart, head and eyes. My life was not normal even when Abba was alive, younger, powerful and famous. But now after his disappearance, it has become more farway than normal. I have disconnected myself from the Creator like this for the first time. Years back during student days there was a small agnostic phase in my life and thoughts. My mother had badly followed and screwed me for that. But I still believed in a Creator. When the divorce took place, I started praying that till December last year it was quite perfect. The tortures by my father's son, my father's a band of staff and my daughter's father has disconnected me from the Creator too densely. I have stoned. Yet tears of pain and disbelief of the male and the Creator's betrayal suddenly gush out for hours in my secretive spaces.... I think of people who say: Prove me where, what and how is God?.... Naming and handing over some assets to good or bad daughter/s like me is necessary or not by parents!

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16.1.26. Room. UM. Sonai. 7.33 AM. Friday.

Because of the harassment of my father's son, I have become so skeptical and unsure if this house and room will really be with me till the last point of my life that I hesitate to write 'my' room.... I remember when I was in class V or VI, there was the terminal exam (in our time there used to be three terminal exams, first, second and third) and two or three classes were concocted in our classroom too. It was the GK exam, the only school subject which delighted me because I used to secure 99 in this only and so it was the cause of immense joy for my father too.... There used to be a few outside syllabus questions from current affairs. The answer was Colombo which I ticked rightly. But, a class senior Koyel or Doyel Guha (they were two very attractive sisters from my mother's paternal location Malugram perhaps and their father was indirectly known to my mother). The elder Guha sister was helping another class friend of mine and she said Jaffna. Since I always thought these two sisters were special and different, I thought Jaffna was the correct answer and immediately struck through the right one with her wrong one until I came home and found. This instant remained so afresh as if I still regret it. And I regret I didn't share such crucial tidbits of my life with my sweet father. I dream he is reading them now. I imagine he is still with me and I am with him.

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15.1.26. Room. UM. Sonai. 12.9 PM. Thursday.

It's not right to torture someone so much that his or her's connection with the Creator gets snapped.... And if that happens, imagine the level of torture!... The verbal and if necessary physical torture, anytime by my father's son has led to my health hazards again. The sugar level suddenly spikes to 230 or oozes to the normal and then again spikes.... The effect is so grotesquely layered that I am angry with my father these days for keeping patriarchy completely on despite my selfless allegiance towards him and now towards my mother.... My relationship with my mother also gets silenced every now and then for the same reason....

The ground floor in Peshkar Jangal has been locked by their son. The Tata Sky here has been screwed and the gate to the terrace has been locked.

My water purifier has been hammered to let dripping.

The hosepipe has been cut so that my driver isn't able to wash my car.

A second RTI to my job has been sent by him.

The memory of my same car's tyres been punctured haunts me always.

I keep this room locked each night in fear of him stealing and destroying my job documents or my daughter's or mine any other documents because in the past my daughter's and my NRC documents were crumbled and pitted in his room's dustbin.

... The tortures are going up because he wants me to vacate this house or any prop. The tortures are so deep that I have stopped praying and feel disconnected to any Creator or my father anymore or even my mother.... If there is a god it must be he and have created a she to punch and play.

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14.1.26. Abba's room. UM. Sonai. 1.55 PM. Wednesday.

It is a sankranti holiday today. When we were in our ফুন্না বাড়ি and perhaps still in the joint family, during sankranti the cows would get very special treatment. Even in this house, Abba made sure that his cows should get the sankranti bath and be oiled. When he was younger and stronger he himself did it too with the helpers. I wish things would have remained the same. Abba, cows. Our masjid had a line of small bushes which bore some kind of round, small, silky, colourful & mid-perforated beads. While in ফুন্না বাড়ি, we (I think all under ten) the small children plucked those beads, weaved small garlands with threads and tied them around the necks of the lovely calves. It used to be done by all the more or less one sized cousins. It was filled with pure happiness....

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8.47 PM. Abba's room. UM. Sonai. 11.1.26. Sunday.

When I miss blogging about my father, it can be clear to you that I was not in peace due to the massive and crass over encroachment over my share given by Abba. These attacks upon me also smokescreens me from my literary duty towards my father. Today was a quiet day after weeks and months.... Abba only introduced egg poach to us. He also used to fry them in lots of oil for all five of us and spread on a round, glass crockery plate. Sometimes it would be sprinkled with onions and a bit of chopped green chilli, apart from salt. The same is now often done for my mother and daughter. So many dishes were introduced by Abba. It was him who shared that ইন্দু মানে বিছি ফালাইন না. খাইতে সময় কুটুত খরি উঠে, অতো বাল লাগে. Even now I often let some seeds remain the fried spiney gourd slices.... There is no part in my life un-engined by my father....It was after many years or while in mid school I came to learn that the vegetable হরু জিঙ্গা was actually named so by my mother and its originally named by my father's name. Adjusting with this was not instant. Actually, even now I find it forbidden or difficult to repeat Abba's pet name frequently. It is a typical Bengali name. I feel pleased that Abba has not only given his both daughters typical Bengali pet names, but almost his neohews, nieces and even many in extended families' petnames or Muslim names have been by Abba only. These days, Bengali pet names are rare here now among Muslims.

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4.10 AM. Abba's Room. UM. Sonai. 7.1.26. Wednesday.

Many years back after my Masters or maybe when I was in my Masters, I had contributed a short English poem "S Factor" to Abba's College's annual magazine Prantashree. After it got published Abba carried home a copy and shared that how a faculty in the college coming across it was ঐতিফিত খার! I don't forget these two words and Abba's expression which was also filled with awe and surprise. I was pleased no doubt that I could impress my father again and even people outside. But that poem carries so many other layers which Abba could never apprehend. The chosen words were fierce. I was also afraid that Abba and the readers would catch my hidden depressions, & anger due to my not obtaining best scores in exams and extremely hidden dissatisfactions with Abba for systematically bringing me out of Cotton. (Thanks to the Creator that poetry was there. It was minimal self therapy for me too, if not full cure). Today I am thankful that he did because I realised that under my parents' screening my scores improved in Masters in Assam University. (Doing better in exams is more possible for many like me when our parents are nearby. They become open or hidden motivators). I had also become free from the hostel harassment (SKL) for being a Bengali (In the TV room in the groundfloor, two girls, same class but different subjects I think, one Muslim Assamese and another a Hindu Assamese had indirectly taunted me for the dialect or different Bengali of this region showing it as inferior. Today with deep thoughts I think I am able to realise and practice that no language or dialect on earth is inferior to another. I deliberately converse as originally as possible in my local language with my daughter so that the language doesn't die. Our language is a complex blend of Shuddo Bengali, Assamese, Urdu, Arabic and others) from the Barak or Silchar and for being isolated for not knowing Assamese. Their exclusion had compelled me to learn it asap but by the time I did in the last year, I had already entered hidden depression due to it and for not obtaining respectable marks in the first two years. (Or, maybe I have always been a born social recluse and not blame others).... But still there was simultaneous healing, back home, which was spread around me due to my father's unending love for me (which other family members, some paternal kins and inlaws confirmed has been the root reason behind my becoming not like others or in common term 'becoming bad') and too much care while and what I ate, and if and when I looked beautiful wearing which dress!... In the MA viva voce, the deep scholar and later my PhD supervisor Dr. (later Professor) Dipankar Purkayastha asked "Why do you want to be here?" I replied, "Because my father wants to be here." The answer came out purely naturally. And Sir featured out a broad beam which made me think that the answer was not expected or too personal or confirmed storge or purely oedipal. I wish I could dare to share this reply and Sir's reaction with my father.

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4.59 PM. Room. UM. Sonai. 4.1.26. Sunday.

It was Amma's eldest brother's only daughter's marriage in Utsav marriage hall at Rongpur, Silchar. It was a long stay for my parents, my daughter and I post lunch time till the bride was gone. Around evening I was seated almost alone in a corner of the large hall. I was quite fine. Abba came, as if in search of me. And he sat near me. We talked. Others came near him. They talked to him. And him and I continued seating. At peace. Suddenly, দৈনিক যুগসোঙ্গ's owner Mr. Taimur Raja and his brother-in-law Mr. Milon Laskar came in search of him. They smiled and asked him ইনো লুকাইয়া বই বইরোইলায় খেনে.... Today I shared it with Amma. It was perhaps 3-5 yrs back. In the same hall, another of her nieces is going to get married this month. If I go, I will surely search that spot where we both had sat together for a long time.

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1.52 PM. Room. UM. Sonai. 3.1.26. Saturday.

It was while going to Guwahati (Cotton) or perhaps coming back home from there. Night time. It had become quite late. I think ahead of midnight and Abba and other passengers were out of the stranding bus. I think due to landslides in or near Sonapur it became late, or the bus wrecked. I don't remember the exact cause of lateness. There were two or three more females in the bus but I am not sure if they were seated inside or also went down with their men. However, I was watching Abba in te-te with three or four men. I thought I too should get down and wait outside, listen and stroll. It would help me improve my social confidence. I got down and stood near Abba. After some time, getting irritated he snorted at me যাছগিনা! I felt very embarrassed, hurt and ashamed for a very long time. Perhaps even now. I realised at that point that I was a woman and not expected to wait and stand near men outside in the road at a time beyond midnight. From my father's point of view it was his perfect gesture. It would give the wrong signal to the wrong man/men. And it is not among those few countries where fear of fierce deadly capital punishments would make men never imagine anything dirty for women.... This same thought and scene came years later in my election duty as a Presiding officer. It was submitting time for the ballot boxes, etc in ISBT. One of my junior staff, a young tribal Christian teacher and I went outside of the premises, on the road in search of some tea, or other foods. I think her name was Steffi if I am not wrong. (I think I am in my pre-Alzheimers state. Abba was a patient of it. And Amma is also continuing her meds of the same) Time was the same, beyond midnight. It was a sea of men, men and only men. We two were perhaps the only two daring females. The bus incident with my father suddenly flashed in my mind. And I uttered to her in English, "Let's go back. There are only men. We two just out would give them wrong signals." She instantly agreed. We went inside the gates.

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5.22 PM. Room. UM. Sonai. 1.1.26. Thursday

My daughter shared a few months back that when Abba used to water his gardens, both flowers, veg and other plantations with the long hosepipe, he used to come across his son's wife at the other side or near the porch side. And would promptly ask তুমি বালা আছো নি? I am surprised at that. My daughter used to often remain with him and so she witnessed it and shared it now. Oh! Without any ego or grudge towards own family members who never valued him. He also always forgave his daughters so-called husbands and interacted with them as if nothing happened

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8.8 am. My room. UM. Sonai. Wed. 31.12.25

A trending YT suggestion of Mozart - Brahms link flashed an class 4 incident (1989) in Holy Cross when a class friend named Pooja khandelwal's (her paternal owned the Rangirkhari petrol pump which my father always thumped as the best pump which did no milawat) Brahms's (or Bach, may be) cassette got stolen from her school bag. I still remember her upset face. Oh! Her upset, pretty face! Mrs. Chandra Gupta our class teacher punished the entire class to share and pay her the cost of Brahms cassette! I came home and told Abba. He gave the money agreeing with a soft blink. Don't remember the exact amount.... I keep on marvelling at the importance of Brahms and Mozart even now

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6.6 pm. My room. UM. Sonai. 29.12.25. Monday.

When Abba used to accompany us (while returning) from school he used to show the rice fields vastly spread by the two sides of the moving road, he used to show and stressfully say "Paddy! ইতা রে paddy খইন!" Had he not said that, maybe the clarity of paddy would not have fitted in my head.... For various college works Abba had to often go to Silchar. And when he returned from Guwahati he again used to come with us home in the same green car.... And once we three did not talk to him all the way. He had returned from Guwahati. He was hurt and angrily shared it with Amma who charged us হই, তুমরা তুমরার বাফর লগে আছতা পথ মাতিছো নানি?... I think it was due to some fear we kept quiet all the way from Holy Cross till here. Abba would always sit with the daughters in the back seat. Or, rather the front seat was never vacated for him

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5.31 PM. Room. UM. Sonai.

28.12.25. Sunday.

Abba had shared with utter boredom and slightly pouting lower lip ওউ পড়ে, তে আবার উঠে. পড়ে তে আবার উঠে! মনেখোয় এক ফঞ্চাইশ বার! ধরে (I forgot the name of the female actor) তে আবার ফড়ে. He was not at all impressed.  It was about Rishi Kapoor giving shots & unending retakes near a stream in Kashmir, perhaps in Srinagar. Abba and his friends were on an excursion to north India during Gauhati university Masters days.... I am thinking if my father is also witnessing my harassed life by his son.... These daily tortures, abusing, humiliating, hate, and usurping my paternal shares has disrupted my daily tasks and manifestations. I could not go to see my father's grave on 26th due to my heart's becoming still at my new condition. Did my father really gave me or his younger daughter nothing? Did he really not believe in giving lands and houses to daughters? Or is his evil son smitten by greed? Is verbal love enough for daughters? ... Couldn't remember Ratan Tata ji properly either for the same tattered reasons.

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2.32 AM. My room. Sonai. 20.12.25. Saturday.

Abba had never known how many times I have been financially duped. The first one was a five hundred rupee by a phone call. Thank god there was just that much in the account. Second was by a Mumbaikar named Siddik, in the name of Bitcoin. It was more than eighty thousand earned through my online-offline clothing business. Another was more than a lakh by IMA, Bangalore in the name of halal income, again earned through business and scholarship savings. In 2024, another 15,000 by an Amazon seller from Rajasthan in the deal of dispatching a generator. In this I filed FIR from Sonai PS, two complaints through the Consumer Helpline and another complaint through my Canara bank. No result came till now. I hid these from not only Abba but from all till now. Out of shame and timidity.

Another from Mumbai in the name of stock investment, had duped me and my sister. Even this remained unknown to Abba or others. I think it was around thousands by both of us.

Another loss was in Heera gold. Around eighty thousand by me and around forty or fifty by Amma. Only Heera was known to Abba. In one of our visits to Hyderabad, Amma and I went to their main office in Banjara Hills. But no result. This has to be known because Amma too had invested.

My mother and sister foolishly believed my foolishness. I truly feel sorry for making them too victims to such online traps.... And even if Abba had known he could have been able to do nothing because the online world is a web of multiple dusky oceans. Rather his worries about my foolish way of life would have tripled. He remained worried about me beyond death. My being jinx or bad luck was too deep a concern for him. After all he was my true father. But siblings and some kins thought it was unnecessary or created pampering and hated and excluded me forever. But I feel that my father was completely aware of the foolish part of my self and just tried to protect or defend me like a true parent.

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1.41 PM. Abba's room. Sonai. 19.12.25. Friday.

When we went to Madras (now Chennai) in 1994 if I am not wrong, we boarded a lodge in Greams Lane. Abba booked two rooms. One room was for his paternal nephew and my younger brother. In the adjacent bigger room Amma, her youngest sister, we two sisters and Abba used it. We two sisters and our aunt perhaps slept on the floor. The lodge had three storeys and our rooms were in the middle. Abba soon found out that the upper storey above us was used by an aged female owner and her younger, quiet daughter. Such a big house and just two women. It was such a surprise for me then. Now I fear that if this particular house one day finds just my daughter and me alone. Right now my seventy one year old mother is alive. I pray she lives for a hundred years. But my prayers are poor. I wish my father was alive. The house has become soundless, and empty. My mother and my heart cry and worry about the empty situation.

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6.56 PM. Room. UM. Sonai. 18.12.25. Thursday

When we were much smaller Abba had arranged for a Hindu teacher to teach us at home. A short, plump man with a very high pitched voice. But soon he stopped. I don't know why he was stopped. We used to address him as জেঠু Sir. But soon we used to hear him teaching our immediate neighbour শফাই ছা's daughter খাজু বু in that high pitched voice. I came across him during one of the MLA elections Abba stood. On the voting day I and Amma had accompanied Abba in our car till bazar. And in front of N. G. School জেঠু Sir was there and Abba asked how was the voting going. He just nodded....I remember that Amma used to guide my complete studies and continued doing till class 5. And till class 5 I had obtained some of the best scores and perecentages. I realise now that educated parents should tutor their children for as many years as possible. Not deep enough children like me may get lost when the tutoring by parents stops. I feel I could never manage studies as perfectly as till class 5. I wish Abba had tutored me till university. But he had no such time. He was a man of the public. He was a stalwart. He belonged to everyone. But I was his daughter and he fathered me. I miss him. I miss his face, sounds, eyes, fragrance, footsteps,....

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9.15 AM. Frontyard. UM. Sonai. 16.12.25. Tuesday.

Just now Amma's sisters let her know over phone that their eldest paternal Uncle's wife's a relative named তুতু in Bangladesh died two days back. I remember Amma and Abba had invited them when I was in early school. He had married an Indian because his mother had become blind weeping for India and the fragrance of her Indian relatives. When he took the Indian wife from Badarpur his blind mother smelt skins seizing the arms weeping আমার দেশর গন্দ! Ah! The partition had not torn the land. It tore hearts, blinded innocent women crying for the lost people, and lost lands.... I still remember how my mother had cooked unlimited dishes that day! Oh! And then during tea time she felt ill that one of her paternal nieces who later got married in Badarpur had to make the tea. And I was near her to guide where the pot, spoons, cups, etc. A large number of people had come along with the three daughters of the Bangla couple. The third daughter was still a pretty baby and her name was Sumaiya. The elder two were Nitu, and.... Now I came to know this morning that they had four and all four were married nearby. If I am not wrong they lived in Dacca. And their accent was different. When Amma gave full oranges to the little girls, the young mother shared মাশআল্লাহ, আমার নিতু এক হালি কমলা খাইয়া ফালায়! We don't speak this language and accent in Cachar and Sonai. How Abba had overfilled the house with food stuffs. And Amma cooked not just many meat dishes but many fish too- fish curry, fish fry, fish মাখা with green সাগ, etc. The young guest wife had to say জে খাওয়াইতে জানে সে এরকম ই খাওয়ায়. Some years later Amma's brothers witnessed them again somewhere in the town. Amma was sad and surprised at how they forgot how she cooked for them despite being no direct relatives. I also felt sad and surprised that they never bothered to inquire about my parents or wanted to see them. Amma also shared that even if they wanted they would have been stopped because of the unending fights in between her brothers and cousins in relation to the tea estate and waqf lands.

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1.17 PM. Room. UM. Sonai. 11.12.25. Thursday.

When Abba's feet first got swollen it hit my heart. Actually he showed me saying আইচ্ছা দাখতরডে কইছআইন, দেখছাইন আমার ফাও ইগুন ফুলি গেলো খেনে! Oh! My heart sank. Soon I called Dr. Mithun's Assistant. He said lagta hai inka pet may pani ho gya hai! I kept quiet, took him to Silchar biomed. And a female doctor checked. Water was found. The helper was a Muslim woman who revealed to me that the same had happened to her mother. I asked then? She sadly said, ওত্তো তার কিছু দিন বাদে মারা গেলা. I discarded such a thing. The death thing.... Over the phone new tabs were given. Water dried. How pleased was Abba. From the bed he asked her ভালো খবর আছে? The same young female doctor shared when it had dried. He looked at me and gave his beautiful smile. I too pressed out a small smile.... After that it had become quite routine to go to biomed, water dried, water filled in. A few months later injecting Albumin also became more frequent. And in half a year everything ended. Winter's December regularly brings only Deaths to the ill and the aged. December = Deaths.

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12.4 PM. UM. Front verandah. Sonai. 10.12.25 Wednesday

পটল আমার favourite person. আর আমার ও favourite person, said Yamin Sir's one of the sons when I went to buy kitchen food stuff from his mini mall just in front of their house. Yamin Sir's one of the daughters in law was a Hindu. She often comes here in search of me. I realise there is some social loneliness in her. My patience towards her keeps her attracted towards me. Abba also used to be so patient towards her and used to sweetly smile at the way she talked. Her complete freeness and innocence is very touching.

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11.14 AM. UM. Abba's room. Sonai. 9. 12. 25. Tuesday

Abba's Guwahati's friends! And his deep love for that great city! Oh! From university times in GU till the last year 2024 to hospitals he never forgot to hang the Assamese গামচা from the shoulders. Years back in Delhi, just outside Saint Nizamuddin's dargah, a young Bengali man exclaimed আপনারা আসাম থেকে এসেছেন, না? Abba's face lit up and he smiled and nodded. We four also smiled. The clothing identity of being a Muslim became fixed after his first haj. He discarded western clothing forever! And the identity of belonging to Assam preceded it via the white and red embroidered গামচা. Not just in attire, he wanted to remain glued to the memories of Guwahati forever that he named his numerous nephews and nieces after his friends- Shamim, (late) Anis, and others.... Once he had shared how his friend Shamim had named her daughters as তানা, মানা, and he was in the city when one of them was born. He went to see the baby, lifted the mosquito net. The mother and the baby were inside and he shared শেমিমে খয়, না পায়, না পায়. আমি মশারি তুলা মারি তাইর নেনা ছাইছি. I still realize Abba's being so simple in doing it. His simple mindedness preceded religious or social barrings or sophistications.

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10.04 AM. UM. Abba's Room. Sonai. 8.12.25. Monday

Memory of Abba's last week increases my heart beats & palpitations. Sitting under the sun Amma and I were eating orange ছাটনি a while ago. The sight of oranges reminds me of how these segments were Abba's last attempted food. Last December, my intention was giving one or two segments. But the way he was trying to gulp melted my heart and I gave the full orange. I felt pleased and at the same time was confused. In an hour or two, my younger sister who had arrived home from Guwahati a day before was near him. And she exclaimed at his sight and I too went briskly. The oranges and their juices were all drooling out by his right side. The pillow corner had become wet. I now realise, at that point of time, his body had stopped accepting food. We both started cleaning him mouth and rubbed the pillow and bed. Not a drop contained within. His speech was numb and gone and eyes were just feebly gazing. In three or four days he was gone from my life.

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8.44 AM. UM. Sonai. Frontyard উঠান. 7.12.25. Sunday

I used to put my daughter in school in Mount Carmel, Abba being inside in the sonet car, then take Abba to hospital (mostly Gracewell & lesser in Lifeline) for injecting Albumin. On the first Albumin insertion, Amma and my younger brother helped. Otherwise, most of the time it used to be me until the insertion became more frequent, weekly and then twice or thrice a week and we had to arrange it at home in his room. Before that only, my sixth sense had hinted to purchase medical stuff like saline stand, omtron bp machine, etc. Witnessing the wide use of omtron, I bought it via Amazon. Now, it's being used by Amma. While interacting with the hepatology doctor Dr. Mithun Sharma, the deep, subtle sixth sense as if knew that Abba might need all these in a few years. And he did. In the initial albumin use days in the hospital, I stayed with him, in the just nearby bed. Those moments in the hours felt very, very close to him. As if our love increased more and more. And we used to talk about college almost always. And then during my daughter's school ending time I used to make my driver Biplab Nath sit near Abba (that happened twice I think) and go in a three wheeler to bring her back. Then, we three waited for the Albumin bottle (bought from Hyderabad via online order) packet to finish and leave back for home here. Abba would be in the wheelchair from the hospital room, lift till the car. The young nurses got used to him, and loved his warmth. One would say টানরে খে না ছিনে and would smile. The visiting doctors also respected him and try uplift his mood by exclaiming আফনে college বানাইছইন, আফনে অতো ভালো ভালো কাজ করছৈন! And he would acknowledge it with patience and serenity. Albumin energised him, reglowed his visage for some days.... When he would talk over phone, he would reply আর বালা রইলাম নি. That line slitted my heart and the memory of that line slits it each time.

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8.55 AM. UM. Sonai. Frontyard. 6.12.25. Saturday.

I think I was still in Abba's Holy Light school or early Holy Cross when one day Amma expressed concern that people should not come to know my name. They would name their daughters after me. I didn't like that and felt confused and a bit angry. It suddenly flashed to my mind that there was a big bus which plied to and fro from Sonai to... and it had my name মমতাজ. So I exclaimed that কিতা অইছে তে? Busওর ওত্তো ই নাম আছে! Abba instantly agreed ওয় ওয় busও ই নাম আছে! So you see, how Abba came to my rescue from such a mild age. So, won't half of my heart die forever?

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3.56 PM. UM. Sonai. Room. 4.12.25. Thursday.

It was around a decade or more back when this part of the house was under construction. The new kitchen was in the making and we were cooking in the well-shielded verandah. Amma's youngest maternal uncle's (he was the head postmaster in Link Road and then in our Sonai) widow from Kanakpur, their two daughters-in-law had come and the beautiful, small children. Abba had extracted out water from green coconuts or ডাব for each guest. I was not near when he pierced them. And as usual with my old, delirious, hurry-bury ways, thinking that these were just plain water, threw the valuable water and was going to make sherbet, as if I was the first amongst host to welcome them. When Amma and my younger sister realised, they were in awe! The guests too witnessed it and pressed their lips from loud laughter. The green coconuts were from Abba's own long-lived plants from this house premises only. And what did he do when he heard of my foolish error? Without wasting a second in words or looks, he immediately slit opened mouths of more green coconuts and again poured out the sweet waters. As if nothing happened! The skill that he displayed in handling an odd point of mine, in such finesse is still unbelievable! He could not cure my life but balmed the errors of my life in extraordinary ways like a true, true parent.... Unfortunately, my siblings always detested me that my father spoiled me. Just a month back, my younger sister puked on me in WhatsApp for the same reasons. I frenzily replied that it was not that but just a father's love for a sensitive and deeply, bruised child.

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12.46 PM. UM. Sonai. Room. 30.11.25. Sunday

There is a single bed in Abba's room which was actually given in marriage to my younger sister by our parents. Because, her husband has not yet constructed his house, some of her dowry like some crockery are still lying here including her red eon car which the couple use when they come. Her major dowry, like a fridge, sofa, washing machine, godrej, bed, etc are lying in her second brother in law's house where her husband had foolishly constructed a few extra rooms which have now gone to them. Her dowry has already been overused and some in a wrecked state. I was arranging Abba's room when this single bed's sight freshened up my memory and slit my heart again. It is in this wooden bed he used to be laid for tapping out water from his stomach caused by an advanced liver cirrhosis stage. The injection when pierced used to hurt him so deeply. I consoled him by rubbing his forehead or hands. It was injected in the stomach and the spray anesthesia was too mild. Litres of yellowish water used to be tapped out. The scene was unbelievable. May Almighty never do this to anybody on earth ever. The last five to six months of my father was mired in bad health and the sadness on his face was an unbearable sight. He understood everything but he pretended not to.

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10.53 AM. UM. Sonai.

Front Yard. 29.11.25. Saturday

Before the first medical visit to Hyderabad, I made sure that I shall take my daughter and parents to some of the famed tourist spots. Among them was the planetarium too. There are some lovely photos from that stunning spot. When we reached home my mother exclaimed খানো লইয়া গেসলে! And during the second visit, I took them again. She wanted to see the stars and galaxy, get emotional and spiritual again. But alas, Abba couldn't climb the numerous stairs and he remained outside seated in one of the stairs. His legs and bones were in a crumbling state. As long as I sat inside under the large, dark dome, my heart was in pain. I was confused. But, I couldn't leave the two alone inside either because my mother is a quite conventional woman and daughter was too small.

In another Hyderabad visit, Amma again wanted to see the starry dome just near her eyes. That time Abba was irritated and pouted এহ! এখ জাগাত আবার ফ্রত্তেক বার জাইন নি. And he remained in the lodge room. I was again confused. And I also tried to understand that he meant not to unwaste such visits in the same tourist spots and explore new places

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5.20 PM. UM. Sonai.

28.11.24. Fri.

In the old Assam type premises, we had two large rooms, a large kitchen with an earthen chula too and there was the four washrooms. The two large rooms were divided by a high plywood partition. A net was added later which pinned the edge of the partition to the roof. The first ceiling was a bamboo one. Later after a few years, Abba changed it to wooden due to Amma's nagging caused by embarrassment before her city's richer kins. In one of the two rooms, there was the television which had door-like pull-screen. And one late morning came a documentary on the PM, Rajiv Gandhi. I think the interviews were done by Ms. Simi Garewal. And then came his assassination part. And tears were rolling down my cheeks which I was actually hiding by bending my side but my mother caught and lightly exclaimed তুইন কাঁদিত্রেনি? I was sitting on a chair or stool perhaps. I could sense Abba silently sat beside me in the bed which was his, just to give company to my born-lonely life. And when Amma exclaimed it, he again immediately came to my rescue and said ওইচাও, আমি ও খান্ডিয়ার and he made a fake sob sound. I was double embarrassed now.... But, this was how my father used to come to my massively lonely life right from early childhood. Actually it was only him being a deep and highly intelligent man could catch freezed parts of my nature.... And I miss him the most, each nano second because I have now become differently alone.

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12.4 PM. UM. Younger sister's Room. 27.11.25. Thu

Abba's a blood kin's second daughter, married in Kanakpur had a young maid who was actually brought by her husband as a small girl. She grew up her her master's two children. The daughter finished her private engineering studies and got married. So, you can guess the age of the maid who had committed suicide. I remember she used to often come to our Peshkar Jangal's house with eatables sent by Abba's neice. After the daughter got married, the maid hanged herself. This is my guess. But, her master's wife enumerated that the maid stole her fat bangle or বালা and out of fear killed herself. The maid's father was given fat money and the man assured the couple that they have nothing to worry ever as he would never go to the police. In panic, the brother of the wife called Abba to save his sister's family if any case develops. Abba nodded and hummed. As soon as Abba kept the mobile down, I rushed near him, sharply and strongly warned not to meddle in saving any sinner because it is never known to us why an age-old maid hanged herself. If they were responsible (I reminded that there are two men in their house. The master and his now young son) and Abba tries to save them then the burden and result of sin will fall upon us and Almighty may punish us for it. Abba agreed. I was sure that once again I played master role in shaping my father's mind.... I am filled with detest and exclusion for such kins who used to try using my father's position and capacity for their sins! I still hate that cousin and avoid her ninety nine.nine nine percent. I have a hunch that she had taken that maid's life something like a purchased slave forever whose father was regularly fed with stacks of money from years and years.

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8.10 PM. UM. Room. Sonai. 26.11.25. Wed

NRC time was also acid time for me and my little Thumbelina. Our papers were thrown away in the dustbin by the son of my parents after a tiff with me over a matter now completely forgotten. Had I not gone to sweep his room and clean the dustbin, we would have been shamefully running in the FT court! And I started crying profusely and uncontrollably. And my parents came to my rescue. When Abba returned home, Amma hurriedly explained. He became restless and rushed to a nephew of his, the eldest son of his third brother, who has now expired. I still remember the panic and pain on my father's face. The flash still troubles me. In how many ways, my father and I spent lives with each other! 

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4.31 PM. Abba's Room. UM. Sonai. 24.11.25. Mon.

Ranju Da or Uncle of Peshkar Jangal, just a few yards nearby our house there had come a while ago to invite for his son's wedding. He said to Amma, এখন যুদি তাইন রৈতা, তে আমারে আইনজা খরি দৈরলা ওয়. Amma sadly replied, দেখোইন না, আস্তা বাড়ি আইনধাইর ওই গেছে! He exclaimed না না! আস্তা অঞ্চল আইনধাইর ওই গেছে! This filled our eyes with tears and we felt lost again and again. 

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11.36 AM. Abba's Room. UM. Sonai. 22.11.25. Saturday

When I used to stroll Abba in the wheelchair in the frontyard, he used to softly tell ছা ছাইন, ওলা এখান বাড়ি খেউর আছে নি. Then I exclaim তে খালি যাইতায় গিয়া খৌ খেনে!

There's just one month left to be one year of Abba's leaving his extremely loved house and me. But, I feel he has just left a day before. I feel he is still around. I hear his sound. I catch his eye movements. I smell his paan afresh. I see the prints of his clothes. His walking and foot movements. His driving the car, shooing the flying squirrels,.... I cry. I cry and I cry. And then I self console thinking my daughter needs me.

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10.18 am UM. Sonai. My room. 21.11.25 Friday.

When my daughter was just a few months old, Amma had arranged a picnic through her second and fourth brothers to let her son's in-laws go and see her paternal family's tea estate and then the beautiful বাংলা. Now they are decaying. The tea factory is in shambles. Oh! I too feel sorry. Only lack of high education and brotherly disunity has led to this.... In the picnic I had to remain in the বাংলা because of my infant. And guess who was with me for hours! Abba. If he wanted he could go to the sites and hill areas, be with the cohort and enjoy. But, for me and my baby, he was contained. Memories of these kinds of small and big sacrifices Abba did for us two slits my heart and eyes. I wish he was never gone. I wish everything was the same as before.

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9.35 am. Abba's room. UM. Sonai.

20th nov, 2025

As I witness the extensive rice paddy cultivations all around, the memories flash of how it used to be regularly thrashed in our front yards. Initially, the farmer's buffaloes used to thresh them and then came the tractor system. Today's numerous children may never know these. The mouths of the buffaloes used to be muzzled by round, netted bamboo (ফুফা) objects as they whirled and trampled the fallen paddy to prevent them from eating the paddy. And as they pooped the farmer's wife or daughter or sometimes him too would run with a wicker basket to let the poop thud on it than on the paddy. As a child I found that quite shy and amusing too. Then the way the equal division of the threshed paddy was done by the farmer was live mathematics to watch. The verbal counts as he manually tokened the two mounting paddy heaps with his fingers in beautiful two or three lines. My mother used to always stand while the division took place. I wonder if Abba literally went on to see his part of the land shares. He was too, too busy with college, masjid and his unending public engagements. He had once shared with me that as a child or in his student days, his only task towards the family's agri land care was just to carry the নকুল (midday meal of the farmer). And his other husbandry-care was sometimes to take the buffaloes for casting. And if he would often see his school friends across, he would hide himself behind the buffaloes and he added আমরা ওলা ফড়িছি! আর তুমাতানরে কিলা রাখছি. I still find it hard to believe that a man like him had really carried the farmer's lunch and cast animals.... During my first life in ফুন্নাবাড়ি, I remember how happy morning and noon times it would be during these rice cultivation and harvesting days. The ছাতল used to be fully bright and the children used to be so happy and giggle inside the উরা which was something like the Assamese বেলাঘর but rather a sub-hut with a low roof where the farmer and his helping family would bend to enter for taking rest or sleep at night. ছাতল, উরা, ডাম (large bamboo sheets to dry rice paddy), ভূতা (wicker baskets), লেফা (cow dung flooring), খের (hay), etc, these are completely foreign words for present kid gen. My daughter tries to grapple with the explanations with coldness and slight confusion.... External life truly changes in each gen. It's better if it doesn't or hadn't. New researches, study and surveys warn that the old ways have only been more sustained climate or environment-wise.... Abba's third elder brother, a kazi then would freely utter in open majlis that Abba's house land boundary was a kyar less. I remember it very clearly. 

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8.55 am. UM. Abba's Room. Sonai. 19.11.25. Wednesday.

Malidhar picnic was with the college staff. I think I was in class 7 or 8. It was arranged in a big bus. Another picnic with college staff was in Amma's paternal tea estate Rahman Nagar. In the latter, the science stream had also joined. Amma's youngest brother had even arranged boat service too and good & great food for the staff. I think I had done a small but severe error towards one of the female science staff. Then too I was perhaps in school. The young staff refused to get in the boat. And I passed a sinful comment "big baby". Then, all the staff walked in the bangla for food except her. I still feel guilty. I didn't have the least depth then. I want to say sorry to her and my father. My father didn't confront me such a low thing. I wish he had.

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6.51 AM. UM. Room. Sonai. 18.11.25 Tues.

Yesterday I was sharing with Amma how Abba had shared about a teacher of his when he was in Primary classes or পাঠশালা. Teacher's name is forgotten by me. And Amma forgot his sharing incident. That the teacher used to regularly beat up all the boys, with hands or other objects. And when he used to come near Abba, raise hand to hit, he would ask তর বাড়িত ওতা ধান আছে নি? হোতা ধান আছে নি! মনুশাইল (a kind of rice) আছে নি? Abba said he used to reply আমি জলদি খোল্লা জারাইয়া খইতাম, আছে আছে। তে আমারে মারতা না. হায়রে মাইর খাইতা সারায়, আমি বাদে! No doubt it was a hilarious incident and the sharing is equally hilarious.... What has to be noticed here is Abba's destiny right from childhood was unique. Except him, all the boys were regularly beaten up. Morning shows the day.... Abba suffered from Alzheimers. Amma is also taking similar tablets. And my memory has also started showing similar genetic traits, a bit earlier though.

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8.13 am. UM. My room. Sonai. 16. 11.25. Sunday 

A three or four days back, my department colleagues acknowledged how the Principal's role is completely necessary to get new posts in the colleges, how they or their acquaintances witness Principals in DHE and Guwahati to bring new posts, new departments, streams, etc.... I added how I have witnessed my father's nearly half of the month spent in Guwahati to upgrade the college with posts, departments and others.... My father's liver was not stoned for free. He didn't smoke and drinking is comparatively rare among Muslim men. I witness many men and women around who chew paan more than him or rich foods gluttoned by so many families. Yet, their liver is still soft and functioning.... What flashes in mind and eyes is his unending Shillong and Guwahati visits. Paltan Bazar's Hotel Rajdoat (a Marwari Hotel) was his only place of station. Oh! The food was completely veg, tasty but soaked and dripping in oils! I will also never forget the oils. I have also lived there with him when in Cotton. Didn't such frequent oily foods never affect my father's liver? What and how can the staff, students and public repay my father's selfless sacrifices? Particularly those (a few staff) who sulk and are still ungrateful.... Black magic added the speed of his liver wreckage. Among extended families here, everyone wanted him under their spell. Two of my paternals have been always tangled with charmed water and foods. My father was surely never spared till his last days

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4.18 AM. UM. Abba's Room. UM.

15.11.25 Sat

Abba's recurring sweet smile suddenly flashed a while ago. It was in front of my alma mater of Holy Cross School. Choin Endaw Uncle loudly bursted out at Abba তরে কইছলাম নানি, আয় আয় আমরার লগে আয়! দেখছোচ নি এখন! Abba kept on smiling without uttering a word. AGP had won in the state elections. And Abba always remained loyal to Congress. Abba was very close to Endaw Uncle and his wife. His two daughters also studied in my school. Uncle died a year or two back.... Another day, his wife had given lift to Amma and me to Malugram, Amma's paternal. At that time I was still not getting chance in Holy Cross. Unlike the other two I got in class 3 after writing an entrance with around 100 students for just 1 vacant seat. How elated Abba was he when we both found only my name on the blackboard! He was literally laughing loudly. These squirts of successes had me the star of my father's eyes and which made me victim of jealousy, hate and exclusion by other members of the family.... Endaws were a very stylish family. The four of them were very stylish. I didn't find another family in Holy Cross who were more or equally stylish like them. Aunty ran a beauty parlour and my classmate and friend Ajanta Das used to compare her to the film actress Sadhana. They were a good family. I liked them too.

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6.25 AM. Village: UM. Sonai. My Room.

14.11.25 Fri

Oh! His last few months! When I used to take & bring him to & from the lavatory, not only were his knee balls making loud enough sounds, even his waistline's bones had started emitting synonymous sounds! I never shared it with Amma or others thinking that Abba would become more ill realising his condition. Anyhow, somehow I wanted him to recover. I witness my senior colleague Mangala Di recovered from a big disease like cancer, so I would foolishly think that liver disease was much inferior.... There are cancer vaccines now made by Russia. A day may arrive when liver successful liver transplants may become as easy as paracetamol during fevers. But, my father would not taste it.... So many people see him in dreams. It's going to be one year of his leaving this physical earth, but he has hardly come to me in dreams. I don't know why. Either he hated me at last or he still loves me the most.

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7.09 am. UM. Sonai. Room

Wednesday 12 Nov 2025

Winter is an alarming phase for many old people. This year too, it has already begun whittling them down. Last winter was Abba's last winter. Just 3-4 nights before 26th December, when his head was in my younger sister's arms and chest, foolishly I was telling, Abba, ইতা ঠান্ডা ফরসে খরি ধুক ফারায়. ঠান্ডা গেলে গিয়া ও আরাম ফাইলাইবায়. My sister agreed and consoled him the same. He was slightly smiling as if trying to believe us or yet not. His speech was max gone at that time except for one or two monosyllables. His last remaining word was Amma's pet name রূজু. He called me too by that name. His memory was no more available to his mouth. My name was the first that he had forgotten. A few days before our last departure to Hyderabad he anxiously asked me to tell about it to the doctor there ওউ দেখ, আমি এলকু খালি ফাউরিজাই. ওউ দেখ তর নাম ফাউরিজাই. That line still pricks my heart and eyes. Oh!

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12.17 PM. College.

Sonai. 11 Nov 2025

Abba was so concerned, thoughtful and farsighted for my daughter. He had shared with her, clicking his tongue and raising eyebrows, তুমারে ফাটাইদিমু হনো (Ajmal's Super 40). I understood how, when and what he was planning for my little gal. I became slightly restless, went to Amma a while later or a day later and said ইতা, জে জেতা বোনের, হে বাড়িত তাকি ও বনিবো. Amma agreed, তুমরার বাফর ও বেশ আগে আগে মাত. But, I also knew why I didn't want her to go away so far for coaching or other studies. I always want two people to be with me and I with them. Him and her. Today only she's left. A few weird thoughts I suppress, delay or rigorously forsake. I wish he was still with me to help me take care of my daughter more until she got married, finished her studies and got a standard job. Oh!

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3. 24 am. UM. Sonai. Abba's Room.

Monday 10.11.25

I sat for the MA entrance in English for admission in JNU. It was always Abba who took me to Guwahati for various exams. The first time was when many of my Cotton class fellows sat in the JNU entrance exam. I think it was held in GU. The second time was when I came across just one or two. Or, I am unsure or forgot if I sat twice. But, once the form or prospectus was sent by Amit Rahul Baishya, son of Abba's very close university friend Dipen Uncle. He is now a Professor in an American Univ. His parents had come to this Sonai house too and were invited for lunch. Aunty originally belonged to Cachar, was a Bengali and Christian. Her elder sister was a beauty queen, married to one Mr. Donald who perhaps worked in some tea garden. After Donald uncle's death, she was waiting for her house, etc to be sold but wasn't able to. Then, Dipen uncle approached Abba to help his sister-in-law. Abba approached Amma's youngest brother who helped in selling it but took a share. I remember Dipen uncle objected to it and complained to Abba over the phone. Abba too did not like taking his brother-in-law taking too much of the share from his friend's relative. I came to know that Amit's aunt soon died. Dipen uncle too died after a few years due to cancer. I felt sad because I remember he was Abba's only friend who had come to see me in the Cotton hostel (SKL RN:18) and how nervous I was for realising a man's visit. Uncle was so embarrassed that he left immediately and years later when he came here he joked about my nervousness. I felt embarrassed. I keep on thinking, the way my mother grew me up completely away from male interaction played a huge role in my negative part of the personality development? If I spiritually benefited from it or this over distance from the opposite gender never made me understand male psychology to a fair amount even... I always feel sad, sorry, ashamed that I always made my father overwork for me for making him accompany me to Guwahati for sitting in various national exams for which I was never eligible. My intellect has been at the borderline but I over thought myself and my father hardly demoralised me. I wish I could tell him sorry. I now want him to read these lines and forgive me.... Amma saw him in dream last night that he was angry with her. But his now's anger is of no use because his son is usurping away the land and houses rights of his two daughters forever and his wife is on the son's side. Abba should had handed over our ownership papers and I always over thought that he would live for many more years or was ashamed to think or say about any ready papers. Or, maybe fathers like their sons always thought that ownership is not for daughters. I don't know. I am confused. Or, I have not learnt to live like a woman?

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7.1 PM. UM. Sonai.

Friday 7.11.25

When Abba fell ill and in those last six-seven pivotal months we were constantly off and on with him in the hospital/s. Amidst those months, I suddenly realised that more than two hundred of flora in the pots had actually died or shrunk forever! When I questioned the then caretaker he was visibly irritated and propelled out that he watered daily. Then, while strolling Abba in the wheelchair, I showed him his dead or drying panels of his expansive garden with the intentions that he needs to recover because his plants need him too like me and also to admonish his kept man. He was silent.... After he left, I discovered more and more such empty flower pots. It was then and now I understand why for years after years he never stopped drenching and sometimes over-drenching his plantations each evening with the hosepipe! He left, they too left. Or maybe, that they didn't want to be without his sight and touch. Or, they didn't wait to be rescued either by anybody else. In the past, sometimes we used to think that such daily watering was among his manifested habits. Even in the fasting months he took care of them with water and earth and propagated them. Now, max of his rare and valuable floral dividends have been lost forever.

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4.43 am. UM. Room. Sonai

Thu

People then and now still think that my father's money was unlimited or perennial. I remember my mother sad sharing that her younger sisters used to taunt and make her cry for having children in three consecutive years. Or, mocked her openly for becoming pregnant the second and third time without any gap. The reason was Abba closed it because of the congested economic condition. His line was এক খরছে তিনগু বড় ওই জাওউক্কা. Like, my younger sister used my previous clothes for the first new years of life, when we were in our ancestral house, ফুন্না বাড়ি. Amma also shared often how we sucked milk from one glass milk bottle.... Then later in our early school days in this house, during summers, when we all five went to bathe in the pond together he used to teach us how to rub the soap on the corner of the wet cloth so that it can be used more over the body. Actually I still do it not only out of habit but also as if still in the state of obeying him and now tutoring my daughter to do the same....

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6.30 am. UM. Room. Sonai

Monday

Spirometer, which I made Abba to breathe almost regularly, to improve his heart function. Nothing came of use! No results were begotten. Abba's non-resultant witnessing has now made Amma and me not go crazy anymore for meds, or rigorous medical treatment. I am contemplating if I should really go to Delhi or Nepal for eye surgery. What's the use correcting the vision if one has to ultimately die or a point of time comes, which actually doesn't come late but too soon, if one has to ultimately exit in aright eyes even!

It was out of selfishness, cold and massive psychological gap with the father that his son had urged Amma আর আশাফাতালো নিয়া কিতা খরতায়. থাকাকুক্ষ না ওলা! Imagine a man like my father had a son like this who was actually fed up to live under Abba's tutelage and desperate to become owner of houses and lands by usurping sisters' rights. Amma's health has now entered silence because of his created gap with her accusing her of supporting daughters. It's been nearly two months since he has not been talking to her or the other elder sister (childhood best friend) because of our not leaving our claims. To whomever, wherever I go to retrace back the house or land papers people warn that he is now waiting for mother's death. Presently he is with his old social trick: going relative to relative and badmouthing Amma for siding with us. This, he used to regularly do to me earlier. I can't divert for a long time from Abba's and my life and vice versa. But, slight touches from here and there will make you (my future gens) apprehend Abba's past too with others yet in relation to me.

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26th October, 2025. Sunday.

Sonai. Room. UM.

Many years back when I was still a part-timer and Abba was the Principal- It used to be the exam times when I used to be attacked by the students the most. I think earlier I used to proctor too much. Or, now I proctor less because my father is not there? Or, the students have now become a bit less non-reactive? Or, do they apprehend the rules a bit better now and respect it? Or, the CC Cameras are feared by them? But, faculties are still attacked but I compare and say not as it used to be earlier. Whatever, however, those incidents then were truly the most violent and shocking ones. And students reacting to teachers like that were completely unknown to me. A student retorted আমি principal ওর কুটুম, তুমি খে? Oh! Imagine just for ceasing his fat model book. Abdul Matin Sir (then a temporary faculty too) was with me in the same room. He stopped the weird boy from further verbal attack and laughed a lot in the verandah and shared it in the common room where many others laughed again. In a few days the boy kept on trying to pacify me. He would walk after me to pester "Madam, Madam!" I would retort, " তুমি আমার লগে মাতিবায় না!" Then he came to the house (Peshkar Jangal) to ask for forgiveness. My anger continued and I said, তুমার চেহেরা কুনোদিন দেখাইবা না! I came to know that he was the cousin of Abba's nephews by sister from দক্ষিণ কৃষ্ণপুর. 

Another incident was when another boy cursed me in the exam hall because of proctoring তুমার কুনোদিন বালা ওইতো না! And he spat in the room! Oh! I can still hear the traumatic sound of that spitting. It was one of the smaller rooms and I was the lonely invigilator there. Nirupama Madam was the Principal then, and in the next day she was sorry and expressing concern directed the chart-makers not to allot me alone. And before, the day the incident took place, Abba and I were leaving the college. I could sense, the same boy had called some outsider students and made them stand near the one of the gates, possibly to verbally attack me further with the lowest comments. Realising the situation and thinking that another day when I would be exiting alone, they would grab the opportunity to avenge me, I quickly showed the boy (who cursed and spat) to Abba from the car Abba ওউ দেখো, ওউ ছুগ্রায় আইজ hall ও আমারে দেখাইয়া ছেব ফালাইছে. We were both seated in the back seat. Abba immediately asked the driver to stop, got down, called the boy, was in severe anger, caught him by the shirt and was about to hit তুইন আমারে চিনছ নানি! He hurriedly replied ছিনি Sir ছিনি. Thinking that Abba would really hit, I pleaded to let him go. In the meantime, one of the policemen came and was about to act but then I stopped him. The policeman started to smile at me, sensing his looks that he was surely thinking how foolish I was. I felt ashamed from his facial expression.

Then in another year and in another I was reattacked. The student warned me, বেরা ছেরা করিও না! I was again allotted alone in that smaller room. And he too spat! Oh! I think, no other temporary or regular teacher was attacked so many times and in such raw and dirty ways as I was. I stopped reporting any of these reactive incidents anymore to Abba anticipating that the matters would accelerate. Years later, now I regularly meet this boy in one of the pharmacies of Sonai. I pretend that nothing of that sort happened ever. But each time I am compelled to visit the reputed drugstore that eye popping incident flashes. Still, I self-appease that at least he is involved in a regular job rather than straying.

Another incident was when the librarian Biru Da (whom I used to previously address as Biru Uncle) and I were allotted. The entire room was filled with boys. One of the boys told him loudly ইগে লেখতে দের না! Biru Da replied to the boy/s তে আমি কিতা খরতাম. I think, I didn't tell Abba about this.... Then another year, a lobby of boys stood and some sat near the gate of the Western block and were passing as many lowest comments as possible for the similar old reason: to avenge my proctoring. One of the lines I remember was না ফাইয়া ফাইছে ত, এল্লাগি ওতা খরে. This too, I didn't share with Abba....Well it is a bitter fact that women come across humiliations more than men at home or in workplaces by students (boys) or others (men). The first thing that we need to do is instantly go to the nearby thana and file FIR. One systematic stigma is still spread that women going to the thana proves that she is in error, in some dirty error. Well, just go. A woman is born bad and dies bad. If this is the case then do this one more bad thing: Do FIR and immediately contact the Woman Commission. Let more bad (if bad) things happen

(I became a bit close to my mother. So, my depression of losing my father delayed. But, as usual it is always short lived. And let it be. For I remain close to my father when I blog about him)

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19th October 2025. Sunday

Sonai, Room, UM.

When we first moved to Silchar in 1995, it was Amma's mother's 2nd or 3rd cousin's house. I was in class X. First we were on some ground floor which was soon deciphered as having too few rooms. So, we moved to his first floor larger and 5 room plus a kitchen. It was two thousand monthly. We shifted mainly because of the tution crisis in Sonai which is unfortunately still in the same phase. It was equally costly using the four times to and fro for school and tuition. Later and even now I realise and feel guilty that it was Abba who was in the most terrible state. His to and fro college and Silchar and then visiting this home each day to check if all's ok. The first day we moved to that first floor, Abba smilingly showed me with hands and fingers that the house was too big and our stuff was অতো খান, বুজা যায় ফড়ি রইছে.... We lived there for just three years until Abba was compelled to start his own house in Peshkar Jangal due to the unending disrespect and shaming done to each one of us by the owner, his wife, a daughter and their housekeeper. The insults were the same that tenants anywhere face: ceiling on water use, throwing of garbage, if washrooms have been kept clean, if any extra visitor is staying the night too, etc. Our mother was most insulted by the extremely haughty family and their tutored caretaker. I am wondering how parents and a man like my father bore not to literate me. I am surely not educated yet. But literate till PhD by Abba. I gave him nothing in return till now.... At native place here, we became severe victims of jealousy and detest from Abba's brothers' families for giving academics such importance or for over-literating daughters. Abba's eldest sister in law used to taunt my mother আমরা ফুঁড়িন বাজারোর হি মুকা করি না! Oh! Slitting for us. Today more than half of her own children have moved to Silchar for the so-called same reasons. I wish she was alive to witness it.... Apart from this, this family and others, particularly this spooky family was determined to encroach this house and the residue of that problem is still persisting. In fact, Abba fell from the bed just the next day while trying to go the washroom, by his eldest sister in law's three sons insulted him in the masjid laying the blame upon Abba for not correcting the name issues of the houses! That morning Abba's liver atlast failed! Their insults triggered the falls. He fell again after some time. Both the times I ran and picked him up back to the bed. During the third fall the next morning, I failed to pick because of the effect of last morning and ordered my daughter to call her uncle. He came running and picked him up. Soon we admitted him in Gracewell hospital.

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17th October 2025

6.11 PM. Friday. Room. UM

Was watching Ms. Mamta Bannerjee's a clipped interview. When we were in Holy Cross a Mizo friend & classmate had said "She is so black" whereas my friend's colour was the same too. It was from her mouth that I heard Ms. Bannerjee's name for the first time.... She has still thrived strong. From a few years back she has been badly attacked for being pro-Muslim. The most hilarious online comment attack was calling her "Mamata Begum". When I was renovating my Silchar house's floor, gifted by my father, the painters (Muslims) were Kolkata's. Abba had gone to see the work twice, came across them once and asked who they vote for?... From Sonai's Kolkata Sweets' (rented by Sonai বড় মসজিদ under Abba's Presidentship) কারিগর, another Calcuttan he again confirmed who do they vote for? Both the parties shared "Didi". Both the times he shared it with me. He was relaxed & pleased that people still voted for her and attempts to oust her is still in weaker state

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15th October 2025, Thursday

1.42 PM. Room. UM

Ajmal Foundation had organized the first all Assam coaching selection exam for UPSC in my alma mater Cotton College. It was Abba who shared the ad. I obeyed. The venue was very crowded. One of the male faculty (Muslim) was among the Ajmal exam group. An Assamese female (Muslim) sari-clad was also there. When I came out of the exam, Abba shared that he aided them in letting know that an external member should witness the exam well conducted. They obeyed, surely acknowledging Abba's designation and letting Abba also witness and sign. I was once again surprised at Abba's inbuilt capacity.... Soon, the result was known to Abba over the phone. It was in Peshkar Jangal. Abba picked up the landline phone which was kept near his bed and window. I miss those rooms and the middle floor and yearn for seeing them. But, normal access there will perhaps never be possible. The heart feels slitted....And then with eyes raised in surprise but with some thoughts he shared that I was the only one selected from the state. I was standing near the door.... Soon we set in the train for the program in Hojai. Lanka was the mid stoppage where we changed the train. While returning back, Abba had found a coolie in Lanka to do the tickets. We returned by the next morning. One of the panel members identified him when parents were asked to speak and said ই নাম মনোক্ষয় আর কুনোদিন ডুবি ত না. And when he uttered his pet name too, a student laughed out loudly which I found so disturbing then and now. Very few Muslims & may be others too know that this name was among the typical Bengali names which are getting completely lost or replaced by Muslim names only. I am pleased that my sister's and my names are among the typical Bengali names. Abba sometimes used to call us in shorter ones:- Mom! Tut! Oh! I can hear his sounds. Oh!.... On the train, I went to the washroom and was getting late because other women were in the queue. It was night. Abba came in search of me. He was worried about my delay. When he saw me, he smiled a bit as if got back the peace. In the train he kept on telling others in the compartment and nearby ones what I achieved.... In Hajo, we witnessed two more Muslim boys added in the selection. We three were sent to Hamdard Study Circle near Hamdard University. Abba and my brother dropped me inside the premises. A staff member was found who had worked in Mizoram. Abba was again pleased. I couldn't not pass the UPSC prelims despite sitting twice. I realise that I wasted my father's money. Only the HSC fees were exempted for us three. I think I caused him loss even then in those student days. I regret every day

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15th October 2025. Wednesday

3.27 PM. Room. Sonai

He (Bagpuri) was very close to my parents. Earlier he was very close to my দাইজ্জি. Just before going for Haj in his youth for the first time, he came to meet us. We were school children then. Abba asked him to bring pens for us from Macca. He obeyed and brought beautiful fountain pens for us and sent them through someone. Due to the lies of my inlaws about us, everything changed forever. He stopped coming for more than ten years, until last year to see Abba in his illnesses. Now he is ill. Abba is gone. The lies will never get corrected. He is maternally and paternally related to us.

His Wali father used to go to Malugram to see my নাইনজী. But criminal minded people changed everything. Or, I regret I am again responsible for this gap. I am not the sinner. But, I think I am a jinx

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14th October 2025. Monday.

4.02 PM. UM. Room. Sonai

Abba took us twice to Ajmer. Once before marriage. And another when my daughter was 2-3 years old. In the first visit, Abba later shared that while inside the dargah premises after aftermath prayers, a small boy and his father were also praying near him. The little boy went into sujood and was not getting up. He asked what happened. The father let Abba know that this is what his son does. He won't get up easily once goes to sujood. Abba was so surprised and surely touched by the sight that he shared it with us. This kind of worshipping and surrender before the Almighty motivated him and me

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13th October 2025, Monday

7.14 AM. Study Room. UM. Sonai

In AIG, Abba has undergone nearly three endoscopies in 5 visits. Everytime it was negative by Almighty's grace. We feared his oral effect because of his chronic paan chewing habit from university days. The Madras Apollo, Delhi Fortis ENT department, Silchar Cancer hospital (during Covid) and others kept on warning him of anytime oral cancer because his mouth walls were completely eroded of the protective layers decades back. But, he flipped away from any negative report everytime due to his extreme positive nature, good heartedness, modesty, strong destiny or any other miracle? ... When I led Abba to the endoscopy section of AIG, it used to be so solemn. I can still get the smell of the greatly lighted, multiple bedded halls peopled by staff and some companions like me. And then when Abba was laid in one of the beds, one of the staff would ask me to sign some more papers where it used to be written that they won't be responsible for any mishap or not returning to consciousness. When I signed my heart would feel pierced. And then when I came out with my footwear packed in pointed, blue plastics, I would go near Amma (and my little daughter) who used to remain seated in the large waiting hall and I would warn her Abbaর মৃত্যুর খাগজো sign খরি আইছি to not stop chanting Khatam-e-Yunus until they call me when Abba was ready to be 'back to me!' I too chanted with hidden, hardened fear amidst to and fro busyness. I wish this continued for many, many years more.... And back in his hall then, my first line would be, কুন্তা বুদ ফাইছো নি? He would nod no and say কিচ্ছু টের ফাইছি না. He would look as if relaxed after a peaceful sleep.

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12th October 2025 Sunday

7.59 AM. UM. Sonai. Room

These rains welcome the warm winter.

The regularity of the earth and world around us from thousands of years makes us realise how regular our lives and deaths are. Then the panting heart and thoughts pacify down to 'momentary' stability.... Abba would wet himself and work in his gardens. Oh! His vest and hair would be wet. In the later years, he would sometimes take the umbrella at our rebuking. His gardens, his plants, his pond, his home! Such love and intimacy with one's earthly home is rare. In his last months when I was strolling him in the wheelchair, one morning, he expressed ছা ছাইন, ওলা বাড়ি কেউর আছে নি? I grasped this point and softly rebuke him তে যাইতায় গিয়া, মরি যাইতায় ইতা খৌ খেনে? Then we would be silent again

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2.05 AM. Room. UM. Sonai

10th October 2025. Friday

Abba used to cut my nails very gently. I was a tiny school girl then. I can still feel that warmth, gentleness and care. He also took care of the beauty of the shape unlike Amma who cut it deeper so that I didn't frequently ask her to cut. Despite Abba's extremely engrossed college and hyper social life, he did my minutest tasks in the bestest way.

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8th October 2025. Room. UM. Sonai

3.39 PM Wed

When I got admitted to Cotton College, the first problem was the accommodation. My name for the college hostel remained in the waiting list. It was after some months SKL gave me a room on the 3rd floor in RN:18. My LG Dr. Mahfuza Rahman Professor in the department of Geography in Cotton, Abba's friend Ifu Uncle's wife, helped us a lot. I remember, Abba, Amma and I were standing in front of one of the college gates of the main building. Abba immediately noted down the number from a pasted ad of a girls mess somewhere near the college. We went there. The landlord was a fine man and gave Abba due respect. He offered us tea. The tea was thin. In Assamese he said, ছা টু পাতলা হইছে নো?... But the seats were filled. We came away. Then in a day while in the hotel, Abba found out the Chandmari mess address. The next day, we went there. The landlords were a couple. Uncle was once posted in Karimganj district, he shared. They knew Bengali. I got a place there. When Abba and Amma were leaving, I started to weep. Aunty said, তুমি ত বড় মেয়ে, তুমি কেন কাঁদবে? My parents left. The next day, they visited again. Amma came inside. Men were not allowed. She gave me a letter written by Abba where it was written that I can go back home. Education is available there too. I thought it would be embarrassing to go back. So I said I would stay.... Now, I wish I had lived those three years of graduation with Abba. During vacations, Amma shared what Abba would say to the maids and helpers: You are eating better food than my daughter.... I wanted to do my MA in Cotton or GU. But, Abba managed me back home and I got admitted in AU, here. Those months I was sad at Abba's decision. But, now I realise his wisdom. Staying at home and studying was of better quality than outside. It had harmed my performance. There were too many stresses which a student has to handle alone. Those who are extremely strong and fully focussed should only leave home to study outside. Otherwise, it may become a lifetime loss. Every time my father reset my life at the point of wreckage. There is not a minute I don't miss him and wonder how and where he is!

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7th October 2025. Tuesday

4.24 AM. Room. UM. Sonai

Just around a couple of years back, Abba filled the envelope five thousand rupees for his eldest nephew's younger daughter's marriage. I objected saying that he made a school, made him a teacher & headmaster there, gave him Amma's gold for contract, and whole life monetarily helped him and his brothers. I said to just keep fifteen hundred or two thousand in the envelope. He obeyed very easily. He and Amma went to the marriage. After some days Amma revealed that he had kept the remaining money in the car and gifted five thousand only. It took me by surprise. I realised his determination and decision. He would do what he aimed at. I didn't have the courage to start the topic again or rather felt ashamed of wrongly thinking that a man like my father would choose life as I selected.

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5.21 AM. UM. Sonai.

6th Oct, Mon

Abba's eldest brother's fourth son was known for aggressiveness, sometimes robinhood type, and fearlessness. If I am not wrong, he also played for state level football. I remember how he used to exercise along with a dozen or more young boys, in the large space in between the large front pond and the wall near the house premises where we lived. I used to find the rythm, sound of the exercise done together very fascinating. The grunts and numbers they echoed together overpowered all other sounds. We as children quietly moved around them. After we shifted to this present house, Abba's this nephew's name was also registered under TADA. I can't forget Abba's expression which was filled with admonishings, angst and warnings. জানছ নি! তর নাম TADAত হারাইছে! This line, sound and face still flash. Abba got his name removed from TADA. Then this same fellow was once attacked at night by men in Dhanehori with the intention of murder. Amma went to see him and shared how his body was having marks. In those days many school teachers got government jobs through MLAs or ministers. His father had also bought him one. But, soon he was ultimately murdered on a severely rainy night by companions. I remember the extreme busyness Abba was going through then. His, a friend from Dhanehari Tayyib Uncle an ACS (Abba shared that uncle cleared the exam after BA and they all moved to MA) had written a long letter in Bengali to quit Sonai and settle in bigger, better place. Abba read it and remained silent for some time. It was Amma who shared the contents. That moment I understood something about this place. But I am yet to understand more. By planting the college Abba transported academics here. But, what I witness is, overcoming the rawness will take many more decades. Maybe more than half a century or full century. Or, maybe never.

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5th October, 2025. Friday

9.8 PM. UM. Sonai

This same date last year, Abba forced me to celebrate my daughter's birthday. He gave me around two thousand rupees to buy whatever was needed. I bought a cake from Sonai bazar, momos, sweets, and accessories for the three children to wear and burst. Some mild music was on too. Her father had also come in the last part of the day. Today was absolutely quiet. She & I only. Yesterday I went to buy a currant cake from Biva, Silchar, sweets from Kishan Sweets and mutton from Nagatilla, Silchar. A sweet frock was bought by both of us a few days back from Trends, Rangirkhari. Amma gave her a five hundred rupee today. And a Manipuri, Hindu friend of hers from Mount Carmel wished her in WhatsApp & they chatted for some time.... What took place last year, as if my father knew everything about me and my daughter's future. Today was a very strange day. With the time passing I feel I am becoming a stranger

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3rd October, 2025. Friday.

6.48 AM. UM. Sonai

Whenever I witness lucky bamboo online or in practical, again Abba flashes to my mind. I had overhead him saying that people grow it to large plants inside house premises only. His unhappy tone was very clear when I had disposed of it from the drawing room. Actually it remained unknown to him that certain hidden depression had made me fling it in the dustbin. But later I regretted and even now that in this lucky bamboo too I failed to give him happiness

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9.15 AM. UM. Room. Sonai

2nd Oct 2025. Thu

Abba used to get numerous awards every now & then. Once, on receiving one such award my daughter wanted it and her name written on it. I never thought Abba would really oblige her. After a little while as I was crossing through his room I found that the pasted paper with his name already removed was being rewritten with hers over a newly pasted white one! Oh! Imagine what and how he treated my daughter! So, it was worth the scorn, detest, fury and exclusion we faced and face even now in this house

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6.44 AM. UM. Room. Sonai.

1st October 2025 Wed

A male doctor in Delhi Apollo Hospitals was from Guwahati. A fair, tall & a Marwari. Only Abba could trace out his Assam connections too soon anywhere. And his hanging the Assamese gamocha from one side of the shoulders would ease it out for both parties. After acquaintance, that particular doctor would help him or us out in picking the right doctor for our illnesses. I would witness how Abba's eyes used to light up seeing the same doctor as if he was waiting or searching for him and Abba would softly exclaim ওউ মানু ফাইলাইছি, হি খইয়া দিবো. And the kind doctor would also immediately apprehend why we were going near him.... I think it was him only who had chosen the aged and experienced paediatrician for my three year old daughter whose not eating problem was a very worrisome concern for Abba. He had deliberately taken me & my daughter that year with the purpose of finding out why my daughter was not eating. In the doctor's room too it was him who accompanied us both. While the blood was taken out it was him who had caught and cuddled her in his lap and a band of nurses and staff were around and I was fanning the baby to help decrease the injection pain & fear.... In Hyderabad too, it was Abba who explained and sent me to show my daughter to neurologists and liver surgeons why the little girl refused to eat.

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7.14 PM. UM. Room. Sonai.

30th Sep 2025 Tues

I did not share numerous instances with Abba. The lovely breeze on Chopra Uncle's terrace in Mukherjee Nagar, that blew when I went to study. Ah! I can still feel it on my face. Such micro sweet moments I hardly realise how to share with Abba. I regret that although I always walked in and around his life, yet these sweet cornerstones remained suppressed.... Except a countable few. Once when I was in early school days, I had dreamt Dr. Bhupen Hazarika's song এক কালি দো পাত্তিয়া. A day before it was telecasted in DD. When I shared it Abba exclaimed at the dining table সফনত গান হুনা বালা!... Another time I shared that a classfellow named Dibakar Acharjee had explained the name of another classfellow to the teacher. The latter's name was Debomita and দেব means Shiv and মিতা means his wife Parvati. Abba again reiterated it exclaimingly.... Soon I realised and now I understand that my father treated me like a child unlike the other two who were younger than me....

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29th Sep, 2025 Mon

7.34 AM. UM. Room. Sonai.

Politics is the most unpredictable act in the world. If you scroll back you will see that how many times I have shared our relation with the driver শুধর uncle. He too rendered utmost allegiance to my parents. But when Abba fought MLA election from Congress, Uncle was caught red-handed voting for the Lotus by Abba's eldest brother's fifth son. Immediately, he sealed again on the hand and showed it to the nephew. That vote must have gone wasted. In those days voting was still manual. Abba didn't utter a word to Sudhor Uncle then or ever. This kind of patience and acceptance is completely unknown to me. If I were in Abba's spot I would had fired him instantly out of fury, shame and revenge.

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28th Sep, 2025 Sun

11.31 AM. UM. Room. Sonai.

It is true, lulling new babies to sleep is taxing. So, it was for me. My baby daughter was sleeping during the daytime in the same room where my parents slept. All the four doors were ajar. Abba opened the front door and banged it close. The baby instantly woke up and my old, dirty fury-bubble got triggered. Today I am filled with remorse, regret, shame and guilt that I had reacted like that with the man who had given me shelter, wealth, and name to my daughter & me.

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24th Sep, 2025 Wed

10.20 AM. UM. Sonai

A few years back, I had once asked Abba, where lay the graves of his grandparents. He shared that they or other graves were all near the river (Sonai) bank and have been all broken or washed away.... Human beings are so belittled that we are actually nowhere left even after death. Either in muds and watered or ashed into the air.

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23rd Sep, 2025 Tue

9.41 PM. UM. Sonai

Abba, Amma and I had gone to Ajmer twice. Once before marriage with Mariam's father and second when she was around three. How much love and care he had shown towards her each moment! The photos of Ajmer will give one the proofs of his bonding with him. Before that in the Kolkata Airport, she had started wailing for toys. The little girl ran towards a toy shop and grabbed as many she could with both her hands. She was filled with glee and sound. I walked briskly beside and separated her from them and the airport floor got spread with her traumatic wailings. Some young boys came near us to quieten her and one offered her a glass of water. She knuckled it away and the all around us started laughing. Soon Abba and I realised that the journey will not normalise until some toy was given. We three and Amma took her to the same shop and gave her the pink, musical, oval toy computer. I felt so bad seeing Abba taking out money that I immediately took out a five hundred rupee from my online biz savings and gave it to him. Adding the remaining, we bought her the eight or nine hundred worth laptop. The remaining journey eased.... I again regret half telling Abba that how I bought products from China via Ali Express app and then resold them in the country and all over the world to a customer in Canada, Africa, gulf, etc and in the country too. I remember I had saved around one lakh rupees by doing business. But I lost nearly ninety thousand all in a fake online investment via a Mumbaikar. I am thinking if I have done correct never sharing it with him. Because that would had added more to his worries about my being foolish and my future.

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20th Sep, 2025 Sat

7.13 AM. UM. Sonai

After I started receiving the regular salary, I had ordered four chairs from Flipkart and showed them to Abba in this room. This room was rarely stepped in by him, which I deeply mourn. At the same time I realise  that, for my futuristic good his rare coming in my room was destined. If he had been too regular, I could not have survived till now out of memories and memories.... On seeing the chairs he exclaimed, অরো বেজান লৈবায়. I had also bought two large very good quality cotton dupattas and my small daughter went and showed them to him in the dining table. I could hidingly see he gave a broad smile to witness that then I started spending a bit more freely (after receiving the national PhD scholarship or MANF. I now deeply regret that I misspent my deserving scholarship in buying dowry worth ten lakhs. Dowries, degrees, pedigrees, beauty, intelligence, loyalty, fearfulness couldn't buy me normal marriages. Or, I was just never a marriage material....

When I bought an ordinary wooden swing from Amazon, Abba was so pleased. I remember when we were children he had once dreamt and shared with many that he would adorn the house with দেবদারু trees and there would be a swing. There were many trees planted, max of which had been uprooted by storms. But, the swing remained incomplete. The idea was openly stolen by Amma's paternal cousin's husband in Meherpur. Amma and I had immediately understood it. Abba was silent. While beginning PhD, my supervisor Prof. Dipankar Purkayastha had warned Never share your ideas with anybody. People steal it! He was perfectly correct. I warn the same now to my foolish daughter now.... I remember Abba's very pleasing smile witnessing the simple swing. Actually, it was my pending wish to fulfill my father's pending dream in my very ordinary way. But, I again did a mistake by telling its cost to him. I think that was the errorsome part of it. This heart is a hub of continuities.

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19th Sep, 2025. Fri

8.36 AM. College. Sonai

When PM Modi launched Swacch Bharat Abhiyan in 2014, Abba too had led and processed the sweeping in Sonai bazar square. In the evening, when Amma shared it with me I was surprised, quite  self-embarrassed that Abba too took the brooms, swept and that too in the public square! I mentally objected with full strength.... With time and passage, a whimsical citizen like me normalised and accepted the brooms-in-hands chapter many years later, particularly after involvement with college's Girls NCC (when I witnessed them again and again taking the brooms and cleaned the college premises) and also realised the importance of keeping the public space clean.... However, a citizen like my father (and all those who had joined him in the introductory phase) was wise enough to accept and integrate it at first instance without doubt, with humility.

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17th Sep, 2025 Wed

11.43 AM, Room. UM. Sonai

Abba's cretanine level was another which spiked again and again. What a fear it would poke in my heart. And almost each time we hid that bullying rise from him. That six months jostled Abba like anything. And anytime he became well, was for a very brief time of a few hours or couple or three days. And that brief time was dense with his deepest silence.... The fearful silence of life's last times

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16th Sep, 2025 Tues

7. 05 PM. Room. UM. Sonai

In those horrible, stressful six-seven months, one late evening Abba started feeling too ill. His chest felt blocked. He couldn't breathe. It kept on rolling bigger.  Time went on. Abba looked so, so helpless. I called Dr. Aminul and he advised to immediately take him to the hospital. If the chest pain and breathing doesn't ease, heart attack chances are there at such age. As usual I was growled around with my old panic problem but I feigned straightening myself for Abba's sake and asked Amma to ring her son and get ready to take him to the hospital. It was raining quite heavily. It had passed midnight and Amma went to call the son. They were in such deep sleep or phone was silent is fishy to me, that she had to step outside the front's collapsible gate. It was slippery outside and so I told my little daughter to accompany Amma. Both went outside with the umbrella and torch towards the garage side and Amma banged on their windows and woke them up. Oh! I can still see my father heaving in pain. In the meantime I also advised my mother to ring the part-time driver Foijul (died a few months before Abba. He was my discovery and witnessed my toxic life here too) and accompany them. He did. The four left for Gracewell hospital. Abba was filled with gas. Bottles of gastric meds and others was made to swallow. I was praying, calling Amma and waiting. They returned just before the darkest hours. Abba looked relieved, serene and happier.... But, now I realise that there were too many pre signs before December 26th 2024. I wish I had recited the Quran more and more as I did in the nine months for my daughter's easy welcome. Oh! I did too many errors and the biggest was I became Qur'anically slack.

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15th Sep, 2025. Mon

3.22 AM. Room. Sonai

Is it good that my father is now saved from the humiliations given by so-called husband & in-laws with the help of the shameless bagpuris or is it more tragic that this time I & my little daughter are completely alone in this rewiring impending conflict?... But, I am missing my father more. The sound of his voice used to make me good again. Now, will my pain take permanent deep root? And my daughter is seeing poison too early. I wish all those who are helping her father, his mother & family also go through similar humiliation in their daughter/s so that, one day they apprehend what we went through! People are not bothered about no responsibilities ever rendered to us both or should be done now if he marries again but they are only excited that Principal's (Abba) দামেন্ডে wants to marry again!... In the last month of the last half year of his life, he was tired of my problems. My birth is an error as always hatefully pointed out by his son.

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13th Sep, 2025. Sat

7.52 AM. UM. Room. Sonai

Chess, Chinese Checkers, Ludo, Snake and Ladders have been taught to us by Amma. In the sports class when in Holy Cross, as I was showing a classfellow Debomita Dhar how to play this game and I think I was the only female student from my section to know it; it had surprised another male classfellow Mithun Paul who exclaimed Girls also know how to play chess! Ah! I wish I had shared it at home with Abba that evening only. There are too many such soft moments which remained unshared with Abba. That's why I always feel that my life with him has remained incomplete.

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12th September, 2025 Fri

8. 19 AM. UM. Room. Sonai

There's not much difference between the relation of Arundhati Roy's with her mother & my daughter's with mine. The mono difference is that they duo are famous forever and we both will remain in oblivion forever. Roy's sharing of her mother's heat and abuse towards her transferred due to the people around her is I apprehend best. Abba used to be truly angry over it and kept on defending and protecting my daughter. I am sorry before my father that I couldn't change myself yet. And, as Arundhati's love and closeness towards her mother remained undaunted; so is my daughter's compounding with me remains. She is unable to sever herself from me at whatever costs.

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11th September, 2025, Thu

1.54 PM. UM. Room. Sonai.

I took two days' CL for my daughter's half yearly exams. She's memorizing the panchayati system. As I explain I also let her know that my grandfather was a Sarpanch in post independence times (and a Jury member in silchar court during pre- independence times).... Suddenly, again Abba flashed and pricked through my head and eyes. I am indebted to Mangala Di and Ibemcha of the Manipuri department of the college who too helped tremendously to let Abba live some more times. Manik Pir of Paanchgram had predicted that Abba would not survive due to the constant water accumulation in the liver. Amma shared it with me after many days. But, maybe because of her and Mita Bhabhi's insistence he had asked to take to him a water root (from which leafy vegetables are available) which had to be netted above a burning stove. It would dry and his water would dry. He also let know that such roots are available only with Manipuri people. When I had shared it with Mangala Di, she instantly remembered her junior colleague from the village of Bontarapur and soon requested her. It was much difficult for Ibemcha because taking out the root from the waters meant irking the entire leaves which could fetch vegetables or money to the family who had it. However, she convinced them and most of the older students have been Abba's students in the past. I am indebted forever to those Manipuris who helped.... No charm spurred success. My father selected exit.

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10. 07 AM. UM. Sonai

10th Sep 2025. Wed

Yesterday in college there was a short tete with the senior teacher from Economics Dptt- On the relevance of Abba! Munim Sir reiterated তাইন কুনো ২০০ মানু লইয়া খেউরে ডর দেখনিত যাইতা না. তাইন এখলা, খৈলাইতা আর ওই যাইতো! Then he brought his marriage's example that how his wife's family took the ultimate convincing only from Abba and how then Abba called him and reported তুমার বিয়া ওই যাইবো. ছিনতা করিছ না. আমি certificate দিলাইছি.... I added how my younger sister's husband's sister's husband, a border police had come home here and shared that in the border when he too would narrate how his family is filled with so and so in the university, IIT, Airport, Court, Teaching, etc but still none of his colleagues would recognise any of them. Then, he asked if they knew about Abba? They would say, who doesn't know him! Then he could add that Abba's younger daughter is married to his wife's brother. This was an analogy from the borders.... Munim Sir said that he was like their guardian. Abba was there meant all was handable. People were feared his capacity.... I glued his importance (that if it was just fear) when another non teaching staff, one of the donor's grandson used to tell Abba to help him in his second marriage, when we were together in one common room that ওউ আফনে গেলে উ ওই জাইবো! The marriage would get fixed.... Then my driver's divorce is another example which is impossible for Hindus. Abba was alone in his side with his parents. And the girl's side had around two hundred including Muslims. It was pin drop silence and they agreed for the divorce. Abba's health was already fragile in his last year. He would not prefer to go out of home that regularly except the Sonai Jama Masjid. But, for my daughter and me he dragged himself out for two days to settle the divorce. He realised that for my daughter's stable education process a stable driver was a full requirement.... In everything in my and my daughter's life, he was there. With him gone from my daily life, the flesh in my heart has been thrashed forever! 

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10.51 AM. College. Sonai

8th Sep 2025 Mon

Again, no diesel stock in the drum. Not just the full body, even my eyes and eyelines have been sweating and my glasses are blurred again and again. There was no other option and I had to exit the first sem Hons class a few minutes earlier.

The eucalyptus line on the pond was such a beauty. We were school children then and as the name was tough so we changed it to Vicks গাছ because when we crushed the leaves it smelt of vicks.

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5.09 AM. UM. Sonai

7th Sep 2025. Sun

When Abba fell ill and in those last six-seven pivotal months we were constantly off and on with him in the hospital/s. Amidst those months, I suddenly realised that more than two hundred of flora in the pots had actually died or shrunk forever! When I questioned the then caretaker he was visibly irritated and propelled out that he watered daily. Then, while strolling Abba in the wheelchair, I showed him his dead or drying panels of his expansive garden with the intentions that he needs to recover because his plants need him too like me and also to admonish his kept man. He was silent.... After he left, I discovered more and more such empty flower pots. It was then and now I understand why for years after years he never stopped drenching and sometimes over-drenching his plantations each evening with the hosepipe! He left, they too left. Or maybe, that they didn't want to be without his sight and touch. Or, they didn't wait to be rescued either by anybody else. In the past, sometimes we used to think that such daily watering was among his manifested habits. Even in the fasting months he took care of them with water and earth and propagated them. Now, max of his rare and valuable floral dividends have been lost forever....Plants are perhaps outwit us in the pedagogy of love. They exit with my father but I persist....

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7.51 AM. UM. Sonai

6th Sep 2025. Sat

After confirming from Mongola Di, I contacted Star Health Insurance. Keeping alive some fears for post-death punishments I never renewed Eon car's insurance, always diverted any interest credited by SBI to any needy or non-Muslim or gave it away to Sonai Jama Masjid's washroom construction via Abba, whether in few rupees or thousands. Once, it was so frenzy that while in Uttar Krishnapur, I cut around eight hundred rupees interest with scissors in minutest pieces and carefully dumped it in their garbage pit. Someone had said that touching interest money is also an equal sin.... But then witnessing Abba's unending illnesses, my iman in the Almighty's words became weak. And when I shared with Abba that the AIG's F cluster staff keeps on asking if he has health insurance, Abba insisted তুমরা ইতা ছিনো না! That meant he wanted it to be done. (Surely, he was concerned that a good part of his fat pension was getting diverted in his medical expenses. Oh! He only wanted to save his money to spend for children?) Getting this green signal I started pinging Star Health Insurance. They updated me that Insurance has to be done before any illness or major illnesses are caught. It can't be insured in ongoing diseases or affected organs. I informed Abba. He snorted তে আর কিতা! তে কিতা লাভ.... I truly seek Almighty's pardons for my father and me for breaching the holy order.... And those who are insured, what's the real benefit? Meeting death is inevitable for those who are insured or super insured. The money remains saved for those in the family who outlive us. Savings are of no use to the dead

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5.4.AM. UM. Sonai

5th Sep 2025. Friday

Abba had taken us to Rampur years back. In bus, from Delhi. Witnessed the Raza library too. A rarely different city. Even the Hindu women in the public were so modestly dressed in wrapped in large, loose dupattas and the Muslim women all in black burqa and niqab in the market places. There is some kind of peace in the city's numerous and complex city lanes and bylanes. I miss the people I knew specially Hazrat Muzahirullah Ullah Khan Saab, his awesome Mother, wife, his family. Many are dead and gone. Lived in his house for two days. Khan Saab would always invite us each year and so we complied. His late wife was the daughter of the house of the largest mango growers of the city. He was one of the best Muslims I came across. How people would be mesmerised at his sight and sound! He was really a Wali! His last visit in our house was totally different and had brought watches for three of us, as if he knew he would not be coming the next year. He too loved and respected Abba so much. Wherever he went in our district, he loved to talk about the Principal and his family. The two days we stayed in their house was filled with love, care, humility and food. His wife cooked the world's best biryani!

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9.03 PM. UM. Sonai

4th Sep 2025. Thursday

It is just from these couple or three years I have stopped hankering for a thinner body. Or else, I would pine for it and keep on trying new feats without any consistency. In saddling a feat, I had started early morning brisk walks in the long verandah. Abba caught it. And, for two three days he also started doing it on the long strain from the gate till near the cowshed. And, as he did, he kept on looking at me as if complying with me. Or, I can say, I was confused and felt shy too. Did he wanted to show again that he was with me? Or, he was signing that he too loves to care for regular exercise? Or, both? Ostensibly not perfected to me.... This used to take place in between my father and me which none else at home could dream. Thought exchanges without utterance of any word.

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10.01 AM. College. Sonai

2nd September, 2025. Tuesday

I wonder where is my father in these eight months. I never had such long distance with him. What must he be doing? In the evenings, afternoons, mornings, nights! Each pattern of his daily life is so ingrained in my eyes, heart and head! How is he? With whom is he? Is he alone? Is he silent? He is such a garrulous man too and a man of ultra societal life. Is he with his old family? Or, with newer society? Ah! I want to be with him, only him. Hear his voice, watch him, catch his every line of life!

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6.10 AM. UM. Sonai

1.9.25 Mon

In eight months I am exhausted (and ashamed) buying daily groceries, rice, milk, fish, meat, etc for my petit family with my daughter.... I now realise how and what my father did for eighty years.... The last photo. A few days before 26th December 2024. I still don't know why I had clicked it. I am there on the window glass. He senses were not constant then. He loved that sweater I instantly bought from Sardamoni, Silchar when he nearly weeped like a child that he had no good sweaters. Amma chuckled at the dying man তাইন আবো নয়া sweater ফিন্দিতা in the same room. These insensitivities of the mother-son during Abba's last two months particularly, ruined my last residue of relationship with them along with the reason of not complying to hand over my shares (& younger sister's) or hiding our papers, as given by Abba. It is the best proof that how women keep patriarchy alive. On a day before Abba's shirni at my objection to encroaching my younger sister's upper storey, she retorted at me saying নিতো ত নিতো! তর অতগু বেতনে বরের নানি! These lines have axed my heart, head and eyes forever

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1.21 PM. UM. Sonai.

31. 8. 25 Sun

Abba's silence was so old, recurring, deep and powerful. When you read my other inputs about him, you will kindly realise how many, many and many times he used his subtle silence to react. Actually he had genetically inherited it from his great mother, his heart and my secretly favourite woman. I had seen her going completely silent in the last few years. Even before that, she had utilised it numerously. She was that mother who saw deaths of four children out of eight. How heavy her must had remained. Once my mother had asked her about the four losses. She shared that when memories of her dead children flash, her heart lits up like the fires! And when she recited the Kuransharief, her voice would constantly quiver in pain and thick tears rolled down by eye sides. And nobody would disturb or call her. Because, all could understand that she remembered her dead children most instantly. But the last two-three years were completely taut. These kinds of silences of people with deep thinking capacity actually invigorates their superconscious minds and become different from the rest of the society....In the last few months, Abba addressed me তুমি আমার মাই! He was still in his senses then. Then in his last month just before Abba lost his speech he only searched and cried for his mother মাই দ মাই, তুমার মুখ কানতা আমারে দেখাও দ মাই. এখটা বার দেখাও দ মাই! Those were unbearable unthinkable scenes. As I am infamous for my anger, I blasted again and openly rebuked my mother saying to witness now that what she had done by separating such mother-son because of the faults and sins of two sisters-in-law! 

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12.34 PM. College, Sonai

30.8. 25 Sat

When Abba's eldest brother's one of the seven sons was murdered by their ryot and his so-called friend, there was such a ruckus! I was a school student. He was also the one who had joined us to then Madras in Apollo Hospitals along with Amma's youngest sister. He was mere 28 when he killed and floated in a sack in the flowing river. Rains were heavy those days. After around four days, the sack was found jammed in a confluence in Sonai only when the crows were trying to canopy it. Before that, Abba had made banks of the river scurried out. The whereabouts of the corpse was totally unknown because the criminals fled. His janaja had also taken place in the N. G. School's field because mammoth crowd was too curious to see such a corpse. He was the only completely dark among all paternals. Underwater stay for days had peeled him off to. His swollen open eyes were a more fearful sight. My two siblings had both fainted that day, unlike me, the one born to bear most harshness of life!... At that time, Abba's school and college friend from Dhaneri village Tayyib Uncle popularly known as the PD (Project Director) had written a long letter to Abba to leave Sonai and settle in places like Guwahati. I kept on oldly looking at Abba's face what he would say or if he might say us anything about the leaving matter. But, as his old self, he was so silent. Uncle had passed ACS and did not need to pursue Masters unlike Abba and their rare batch filled with high degrees. The friendship was naturally loyal-prone rare to witness. In 2024 when Abba was taken his Guwahati for the last time, he was so eager to be treated by Tayyib Uncle's physician doctor as if he was just still searching for his friend. Uncle had died many years earlier. Each time, he lost one of those friends, he only mourned it with just complete silence and deep thought. When his another friend Nasheer Sir died, he had reacted the same. That morning before leaving for college, hearing the announcement, he was dumbstruck, lowered his eyes and in some silent frenzy picked up a lying broom started swaying it in the dining room's floor in the Silchar house. His pain was so visible that day too and that scene remained unforgettable to my eyes and thoughts.

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10. 5 AM. UM. Sonai

28.8.25 Thu

In the last three-four years or ever since my college job became regular, I rarely faltering bought pomegranates and various dry fruits (mostly from Amazon) for Abba only; for his health and choice. He loved both. He always welcomed pomegranate juice even when he was very ill in the last few months. Most of the times I divided the juice in two equal halves, and a third little portion for my daughter. At times, I fulfilled my extra love for him by giving him the bigger share which nobody ever got aware. When the stink of onions started hovered in his juice, he let Amma and me know. I refound the juicer and could relieve him.... I bought raw turmeric (which are still lying somewhere in the kitchen) from Sonabarighat in the last couple of months. But I think it was too late. This kind of medicinal diet should have been regularised long back, years back. Or, I again didn't knew how to change his diet, change his liver. It was just one or two days I could manage to make him drink a potion. Since, milk, etc was already out of his food list, it had become difficult for me to experiment it anew.... In the last year, oats was such a regular meal once or twice a day. With time, milk was denied and so oats was given by me most of the times without milk. I tried oats myself and realise that no other flakes in earth is so bland as oats. I wonder, how could Abba take it (cups or small bowls) for days, months and year more! To try a chance, I ordered masala oats from Amazon but that too was found by Abba and I as so untasty. Or may be, as known I could never pick great cooking. The last time the eatable that I gave him was orange pieces. I munched them with eagerness. I once again became hopeful until my younger sister called and I found how he was expelling out each piece and the juices were trickling out from his right corner! I became confused. We both cleaned him. It was after he departed from me I realised, that was his last attempt to eat. The body had completely stopped welcoming any food and liquids. The Almighty had barred his throatline. A three or four days later, he left me!

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4.52 AM. UM. Sonai

25.8.25 Mon

When we were with Abba in the Graceful hospital and Abba was doing his poop quite regularly, one of the male cleaners was mocking at his ability. Even a minor staff was expecting Abba's end. But not I. I was rather irritated and wanted to question his lonely mocks.... This means how good some parts of your health is, the point of exit is the point of exit for anyone.

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4.05 AM. UM. Sonai

23.8.25 Sat

In school, I used to do English tutions at Sonai N. G. School's Anil Chakravorty Sir's house in Silchar Link Road's Lane-6. Abba had arranged it. Unlike all my Holy Cross friends in common ghetto elsewhere I was a loner there too. Due to the disturbance created by one batchmate, I refused to join Abba's friend's tutions. He was the elder brother of the reputed ENT doctor Subhrata Paul. Then, another day he again went to his friend's house and let him know why I didn't join. At this he told him if I let them know the boy, এখ injection দিয়া ঠিক করি লাইমু. Abba came home (Peshkar Road) and let me know it through Amma. I still refused to go there and then he arranged Anil Sir's English classes. I must say here that I still get amazed at the perfect grammar of Anil Sir and his beautiful handwriting! He was a very quiet and gentle person too and took special care of me because of being Abba's daughter. Abba used to often drop or pick me from his premises. He used to take his fruit harvest like coconuts, sugarcanes, etc for Anil Sir and sit, chat for sometime and often marvel and amuse us two by praising Anil Sir's broad smiles. I was born coy (which I am still fighting to replace if I could) and actually got uneasy at the fruit gifts and smile compliments.... What not my father did to educate me! As if he was only worried about my protection and success. Each day I yearn for that protection.... Respects to all my teachers and the list begins with my father

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4.43 AM. UM. Sonai

22.8.25 Fri

Yesterday was my paper Presentation in the University of Delhi in hybrid mode. I wish Abba was at home here just to rejoice. I only let my daughter know just to motivate her, if she apprehended.... When I was in Abba's Holy Light School, navy blue tie was part of the uniform. Every morning he tied it. It was so perfectly done that I saw no one do it like him. Those spots of time he did I used to find myself closer to him. Did my nearness to him weaken me as my other family members accuse that I got finished by his over-love. I often secretly welcome this accusation because love that destroys like this is the only true & pure love! At those points we had nothing to donate and inherit; it was just realisations of love. And in the tie days I was less than ten years old then....  Then when my daughter was in Sai Vikash school, he tied the same to her. 

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8.19 AM. UM. Sonai

20.8.25 Wed

I was given the chance of being the CTO of NCC girls of the college by the Principal and the boys Captain, for the two year term. The second year was the phase of shock and shame and the traumas still flash and scare me! A few girls under the tutelage of a senior NCC girl from কাজীডোর village was shrewdly running a monetary scam of taking joining fees and there was something fishy with the tailoring fees too. At the helpless condition of the girls I had to intervene. The present vice principal i/c and the other staff from history also helped in arranging the meeting with the students and their guardians. The humiliations and raw language of one guardian from রুফাইলবালি village in that large meeting was a complete hassle! It was equivalent to the insults I faced in conjugality.... But, what consoles me back to stability was that- I could filter the girls NCC from the money scamming. And, the only beautiful thing that I experienced was when my father introduced me as Commander of girls NCC. It was hilarious for me. But I deliberately never corrected him seeing his joy. When the NCC office wanted me to go to Bhopal for a training of three months or so and free myself of the impermanence of the tentative post, I was not accepting it at all. Not only was my little daughter the chief reason but I realised that I was still the old introvert. When I shared the first reason with Abba, he was instantly ready and said, তে জা! জাছনা! আমরা তাইরে ছাইমু. I didn't start the topic again with him again. Today, sometimes when I look back, I am unsure if I should have gone for the training and permanency. It would have added to his happiness

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3.3 AM. UM. Sonai

19.8.25 Tues

When I went for an MRI for the first time in life, it was Abba who was with me. When I came out I shared how suffocated I felt and wanted to get it stopped by pushing the button. I told him that it felt like the grave; the dome or the machine was just above the face and nose. আব্বা, একেবারে খবরর লাখান. He smilingly agreed ওয় ওয় খবরর লাখান. And then, the last time Abba was in MRI in AIG Hyderabad I was with him. How he was shivering so badly due to too many ACs all around, unlike the other times. I now realise that the body was failing from all sides. That was the last Hyderabad visit. Right from the flight, he was only feeling cold and cold and was just shivering, shivering and shivering. Now, I understand that his body had started complying to the coldness of death from the point of boarding the flight from Silchar and Kolkata. In Hyderabad, he sent me to buy socks. I added a thin blanket too. I could see the difference in that last visit. But, I always thought he would get well soon. But he didn't. Daily life has become very difficult for me. The daily tears now and then is rotting my eyesight further and faster. I need to convert my perennial sadness to exuberance because my girl is too small and she needs me best. I want to wait and rejoice that by each passing day I am going near my father. When I die, our souls will be again together.

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4.26 AM. UM. Sonai

18.8.25 Mon

I realise that my depression tints began when I was thrust to write English, striking out Political Science in the form in the yard outside Cotton College main entrance, somewhere outside the hall where the mics and admission processes were going to begin. Those three years' struggles in confusion, misunderstandings, loneliness, and subject-shock were apprehended by Abba only and he forced me to shift home taking admission in our local university. If he thud the massive subject upon me, he only evacuated me from its terror. The physical transition time in the shift in between two universities became another mentally restless phase until I saw an ad for learning the French language. Ah! What a relief! Elated and shared with Abba. He instantly gave out the eight hundred rupees standing at the dining table in the house at Peshkar Jangal. How crazy had he become out of happiness. In the next few months I had come across a Holy Light School's friend named Rehana in the AU bus, after around decades. When she shared my French classes info, I realised that Abba perhaps spared no one in Sonai blasting out my superficial French connection. I wonder if he must had bored many with it and irritated his hidden enemies. But I am now satisfied that I could give him that point of rejoicing and happiness. His face used to lit up and those sights filled my heart!... The French teacher, originally from Silchar, used to work in the embassy in Kolkata. I and Ayesha, the eldest daughter of Assam University's Registrar, Malik Sir were his first French students.

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6.44 AM. UM. Sonai

17.8.25 Sun

During his maiden Haj and in the days spent in the holy city of Madina, Abba and Maulana Nur Nabi were on their pre-set walk for the Jiyarat. They were within the closest precincts of the grave of the Prophet (S). Abba was perhaps squatted nearby (his limbs were still chipped well then) when the Maulana, who was exactly near the grave, gently gestured him মামু অবায় আও. দেখো আইয়া. Abba went closer. The regular peaceful breeze that morning was a bit faster at that moment. The wind was slightly lifting certain screens and the Great Prophet's (S) grave became distinctly visible to both of them!... Back home when my mother shared it with me, I could realise that this opportunity by the Almighty was given to a rarely selected "the good & great-hearted" pilgrims.

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4.18 AM. UM. Sonai

16.8.25 Sat

The last couple of months with Abba was extremely intense. He was trying to make me his mother and I was trying to mother him. But, it didn't persist. A massive opaque silence is now spread in between us two. In a hazy dream today, I was searching for him in the eon car with tears. When the sleep broke post midnight, my mind and eyes were still in that desperate teary state. I regret selling it but I am satisfied that I had handed the amount to him. But, if the car was here, I would have touched and stroked it searching his sight and sound; the way he drove it.... In the last few months after the frugal dinner and the hard meds, he would say, চলো, এলকু আমরা দুয়োজনে অতো দরিয়া ঘুমাই জাই, চলো চলো! হে চলো, like a small under-five kid. And, during the day when he would sit, he would say, আমার ফুড়িয়ে জেতু আমার আতো দরে, আমার জান ঠান্ডা ওই যায়! But amidst these words, his face and forehead would look stressed due to illness. Here, I want to share that he hardly ever shared with us what kind of pain takes place in which part of the body. It was from the doctors we realised that it's the frenzy pain in the limbs of the liver patients that is unbearable. At nights, he would bang his legs and shout with pain. Those sights and sounds still throw down my heart.... Before he fell ill and was still driving out with or without driver, he was looking for a large proper bag to puff his clothes for ironing. Seeing his restlessness, my restlessness came to rest only when he accepted my computer bag made of jute (red-written Advantage) out of the total two or three I plucked out for him to select. It was large enough and all his clothes for ironing would fill in. I have stocked it carefully in the ground of my bed. And, just a few years ago, he would iron all his clothes by himself and sometimes ours too. During Holy Cross days it was his daily duty to press our shirts and skirts until each stretch mark was fully stirred. The way he set the skirt pleats was so perfect and the cake-smell that steamed from his press strides filled the room. That fragrance still reels near my nostrils. In those Assam-type housing, he used a corner of the sunmica dining table as his press corner.... He would clean and polish our school shoes. When I was just about to step inside the car, he would come running once again with the shoe-brush and swipe & sparkle the black toes hardest, tapping all his energy, as if trying to express something too deep. Small spots of sweat would pop up on the face and mouth tightened with his signature paan barraged in.... Men with daughters might find my memory renderings motivationally gold class. Their each sight and sound may get best mind-voiced only by his daughter!

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2.41 AM. UM. Sonai

15.8.25 Fri

While in Holy Cross, it was just once I went on 15th August, that too because a day before a few senior boys asked me too to take flowers. I now surmise that they must had noticed me taking flowers regularly for the teachers. (Abba had grown massive amount of flowers just for us to take to school: rose, cosmos, Dahlia, sunflower, zinnia, crysenthemum, marigold, etc. The frontyard looked painted with flurry colours) But I became late; the time given to me was before seven. One of the boys asked again and again if I shall be able to. But being timid and a childhood filled with fears I didn't knew how to say that my house was afar. When I reached, the flag got hoisted and students were already dispersing in the front yard. I shared it with Abba, he snuffed: এহ! আমরা অতো দুরোইর মানুষ, আমরা আবার শিলচর অতো আগুইয়া জাইতে ফারমু নি! That uttering made me realise how Abba was trying to educate us from such a far away place. Five litres petrol cost fifty rupees then. Giving that fifty rupees each day must have been quite struggling.

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5.28 PM. UM. Sonai

14.8.25 Thu

Visited Dr. Hamida's father in this summer vacation in Nightangale hospital. His face resembled my mother's eldest sister's husband, all deceased one by one in the last few years. Witnessing my colleague's father's fragility and low sodium added new sadness in me. Oh! And my father's low sodium! Oh! How he beared low sodium in the last few months. Sodium would be infused and we would bring him back home. Then, infused again a few weeks later. In Gracewell or Nightingale. Mostly in the former. Those few months are so deep in the heart and eyes that I pant and suffocate at the flashes. Almost each month was the visit. At home, I couldn't give him salt in normal amount because his liver would harden faster. In the later months, the visits had become twice a month. And my epic foolishness kept on imagining that he would slowly retake life. The beep sound of the giant sodium injection actually echoed my father's helpless plight. It remains unbelievable and still impossible for me to agree that a mighty protean was overtaken by these beeps, waves and intervals of hybrid machines!

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3.42 AM. UM. Sonai

13.8.25 Wed

One of the senior colleagues (Dr. Munim Ahmed Barbhuiya, HOD Department of Economics), very recently shared with nostalgia how one day in college not finding Abba in the Principal's room, he began searching him in the premises and to his utter surprise found him in an unbelievable Principal's state; planting a row of Arjun saplings! From head to toe, he was profusely drenched in sweat! And seeing Munim Sir said, তুমি ইনো কিতা কোড্ডায়, জাও জাও, ইনো জুক আছে. What are you doing here? Go, there are leeches here. He replied, So what. If they catch you they will catch me. আফনারে ধরলে আমারে ও দরবো. The rigorous curiosity and love for plantation in Abba must have arisen from the point of time when he witnessed late Prime Minister Mrs. Indira Gandhi's residence. He was merely a class ten boy and had gone to the SC to save one of his brothers-in-law from a forged case of not being a citizen of the country. And by Almighty's will, his early spark of leadership and awesome capacity, with the help and advice of Silchar's local advocates he succeeded in saving him. One of the advocates had advised him to meet the Prime Minister too if possible. He attempted but didn't find her at home that day;however, the other benefit was that he received the idea of the garden, the beauty and power of gardening, trees and plantations. Whole life he kept on sharing it with awe, admiration and each time looked freshly motivated! ফুরা গুরা, খালি গাছ দিয়া. বা! Gate তাকি শুরু ওয়. খালি সুন্দর, গভীর ভাবে রওয়া গাছ. জাইতে জাইতে গিয়া ঘর! ওউ গাছর তলে দিয়া গিয়া তান ঘর! Abba's peerless expression and surprise while sharing the the canopy gardening technique employed in the Prime Minister's residence always remained afresh. And he kept on practically employing it at home, his first paternal home ফুন্না বাড়ি, and in the college. The row of those Arjun saplings are now prime, sturdy, independent and tall.

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3.50 AM. UM. Sonai

12.8.25 Tues

Kumud Uncle was one among Abba's non teaching staff. He used to come at home to take Amma's signatures when she couldn't go to duty due to illnesses caused by black magic and had to soon voluntary retire. Abba had shared that Kumud uncle had two wives living on two sides in one compound. The first donor after whom Abba named the college also had two wives together. Both were childless and then he adopted. (It is always narrated that the wives could give no children. Nobody wants to say that the incapable could have been the husband) Abba never tired sharing that how Madhab Das' first wife became frenzy due to childlessness and possibly by husband's second marriage and how she abused and bad mouthed Abba to the extremest whenever he went to implore him for the land. আই গেসত নি! আইয়া হারসত নি? জমিন নেওয়াত! Apart from these, she used the dirtiest words possible to ease her anger and frustrations. Abba shared মাধব দাশর ফাগল বড় বউর বাদ বাদ গাইল ইগুন জারা ও এক খাম আসলো. I always felt and still feel sad that Abba went through such stages again and again for a piece of land for making the college. When I was abused in marriages again and again, I left, I quit, I couldn't handle.

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6.40 AM. UM. Sonai

11.8.25 Mon

Shikha Aunty was the beginning. When I entered the college after MA, it got translated to Shikha Madam and now any reference comes, it is translated to Shikha Di. The same happened with all past first gen staff and me. All aunties and uncles became Madams and Sirs. From being my father's colleagues, I became all of theirs colleague. She was the Accounts When the first NAAC team came she handled her section very well. At home Abba used to share many of the details of the three days. And with his peerless expression he exclaimed আমি ওলা তাইরে বানাইছি. 

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6.22 AM. UM. Sonai

10.8.25 Sun

My daughter has made nearly ten projects completely by herself. Red Fort, Water Purifier, Ten Polygons with plastic pins and paper ropes on a board, a Bengali, an English and a Hindi poem on chart papers with illustrations, Vedic Maths on chart paper, a Noun chart by a unique design, MS Excel print inside a stick file which was the only easy task, .... I just droned her intensely- each pick, paste, draw and went to Silchar nearly thrice to purchase the accessories from Mamoni's at Hailakandi Road. My heart is still amazed that my small girl could do these by herself. Even now or ever can I do even one of them. Abba had rightly identified her years back artist অইবো. It is getting confirmed that her plum area is artistry. To encourage her and rectify my irtitation with her power fingers rather than academics, I let her select a great pink pencil box from Amazon, let her buy a pink Barbie skirt from Smart Bazar and have now secretly ordered around seven comic books from Amazon which Abba had given us during our childhood. All from Amar Chitra Khata.... When I was in Holy Cross, there were projects given but not so many as today's school over-engage these tiny butterflies. Abba had ordered his nephew to make three. He brought. But, my one turned out to be in absolute raw state- a well. Farex or cerelac container with a horizontal twig holed from one side to another two vertical twigs linking the horizontal. There was a mild pulley too. But, all stark with no visible finishing. My siblings were pressing their beams and laughters. I was completely down and perhaps expressed that I can't take that. Amma intervened and Abba understood. He ordered his same nephew অগু ঘুরিয়া আন! He did with mud and coloured some portions. It was a bit okay now. But, I clearly remember that not a single student or teacher bothered to look at my rural mud-well.... Another time it was on chartpaper. My mother made a flower plant completely with masur dal. It was new endeavour. When we had to submit through our seniors, one fat and large boy exclaimingly shouted as he took it to his other friends. His shriek and sound had filled me with shame that I used the orange lentil to make the school project. Another time, Amma again made me another chartpaper project which I think was a pencil art scenery with some colours. Amma did it quite beautifully. My classfellows made theirs with different costly pastings, materials, decoratives, chumkis, etc. Our classroom's all the four walls were packed and fluttered with our hangings. And I would look again and again at mine on the right wall. Each time I glanced at it, it resurfaced my energy and happiness....We were three. College was in raw, struggling state. Home budget must have been sleek. As people over thought that we were filthy rich, this was not the case. If it was, then I would not had taken projects out of lentils, old farex container and pencil and colour art.... I wish Abba was there to witness the awesome capacity of his most loved grandchild! He would have gone crazy with happiness, would have surely gifted her loads and rebuked me for underestimating the gem. Oh! I also deeply regret of not showing the bracelets she made. He had already gone bedridden and like the foolish daughter I mythically thought he would slowly recover and then in ease we both would share the sight of those beautiful bracelets. That moment never came. I could do nothing to help my father recover. I now countdown with the intensity and desire to find him and live with him again.

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7.59 PM. UM. Sonai

9.8.25 Sat

There's so much to write about Abba & me, I & Abba. I want to see his face, yearning to see his way of looking at me & around, his voice, want to hear the sound of his sarota (betetnut cutter).... When Abba's mobile got stolen from college how sad he was. From his face we could decipher. The second time too, it was again stolen from the college. He used to share how some staff had rejoiced! The staff who had done it can still be noticed very easily, still filled with venom and bad mouthing for my father.

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8.38 AM. UM. Sonai.

3.8.25 Sun

It was inside the car. Abba and I were back seated. Sudarshan Fulmali uncle was driving. Abba must had got some news about Uncle's family or the elder son who stayed with his in-laws from childhood onwards. Abba asked what was happening to the son. He replied হে আইতে ও ছায় না, আয় না আর তারার title (surname) ও ব্যবহারখরে! Abba huffed, এহ! তে কিতা অইছে? তারার title ও লেখে ত কিতা ওয়!.... Later, his elder son came back home and reunited with father. What I observe and understand from Abba's reaction is that our parents, fathers don't change. Just because the surnames and places are dispersed the paternal and the maternal is inseparable. Whether a bad father or a bad son or same with the mother, this relation is completely rooted and technical can't be changed.

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4.30 AM. UM. Sonai. Room

1.8.25 Fri

I think the fashion of first counter or anti lobby created against Abba was from English Department by two men. One carried the tradition set by the other's preceding one. I will call it 'dirty fashion.' One of them came to see Abba in Nightangale in the latter's last few months. Another came at home at noon in the same few months when Abba was pseudo asleep and I deliberately didn't wake up my father remembering that the ex-employee doesn't deserve to hear or see my father. Abba was lying facing the wall, opposite the visitor. I could clearly witness guilt on their faces but it was too late. I remember they had massively attempted to make my father's college life, toxic. Although they failed to cause no real harm but their hateful residues was passed on to a few other. Toxic, giant criticism and gratitude or sense of apology was too gapped. The one who visited him in the hospital left Abba and me surprised when he said, কতর বালা খরছৈন, হে মুখ দিয়া খইলে না, তার হাড্ডি এ ত দুয়া দিবো! When he was gone, Abba faced me and said ইগে ইতা কিতা খৈয়া গেলো! Abba was surprised and I too disbelieved his bone-filled supplication. Criticism is necessary but these two men's criticisms had no space for gratitude. One had gone to the extent of going to the local MLA each morning for months for intervening in the college and which remained fruitless. When I was employed as a part-timer, this same ferrel man had posted me a frenzy, nameless letter dreaming to create a rift in our family. Oh! I think we should keep the caste system alive only for such lunatics and brand them as হরুমানুষ or ছুটোলুক caste! I can confirm to the world, that Abba didn't forgive two men beyond death: one was Altaf Hussain Mazumder, the state minister who did everything to finish Abba, Abba's family and Abba's college! The other one is the lunatic whose main task of life and profession had also become to finish my father.... But, both failed miserably and fully. The college stands tall till the last day of the world. Abba's family and extended family is still attractive from four to five generations and Abba has become the Man of Heritage for the world of Education, Academics and beyond!

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8 AM. UM. Sonai. Room

31. 7. 25. Thu

While doing the book (aligning the book with Papyrus vol.2 from the college. Work is on...) on Abba, Mrs. Binita Nath (Retd. Lecturer of Political Science & wife of late Dr. Susen Chandra Nath) shared more unbelievable, invaluable info about Abba; which remains exemplary for heads of institutions: one of her sons had polio. So, for some time, she had to beckon her little boy with her to college. And, when the point of time to attend the class would come, she had to leave him behind in the staff premises. The boy was a special child and needed real, physical vigilance. Abba would tell her, বৌদি, তুমি class এ জাও. আমি আছি. When she would return back from the class, she would find her little son serenely playing on Abba's table with chalks, dusters, tiny toys of those days!.... এইভাবে, তুমার বাবু এ আমার কতবার help করছে, আমার চাকরি বাচাইয়া নিছে! The Qualities of being the great Principal of college, the self-made Principal, will surface or burst out like this from someone, somewhere, anywhere, anyday will always fiery out through such unending contents. This anecdote naturally displays Abba's sensitiveness, depth and true kind heartedness towards a mother, female employee and a special child.

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7.57 AM. UM. Sonai. Room

30.7.25 Wed

List of Men & Women who obtained government jobs through Abba

1. Naushad Mazumder. Uttar Mohanpur Sonai (S/O Gulezar Ali Mazumdar Abba's First Godfather) Sonai Model LP School

2. Khaled Hussain Mazumder. Uttar Mohanpur Sonai (S/O Same as above) LD M. C. Das College

3. Iqbal Hussain Mazumder. Uttar Mohanpur Sonai (S/O Late Alhaj Makkassir Mazumdar Abba's eldest brother) Gulezar Ali Mazumdar School

4. Latu Mazumdar. Abba's Paternal/ঘুষটি Cousin. Uttar Mohanpur Sonai (School Teacher)

5. Jamil Mazumdar. Abba's Paternal/গুষ্টি Cousin Uttar Mohanpur Sonai (School Teacher)

6. Azmal Mazumdar. Abba's Paternal/ ঘুষটি Cousin Uttar Mohanpur Sonai (School Teacher)

7. Alu Mashter. School Teacher

8. Th. Madhai Babu Singha. Dptt of History. M. C. Das College

9. Mrs. Bharati Dam. Dptt of Bengali. M. C. Das College

10. Mrs. Binita Nath. Dptt of Political Science. M. C. Das College

11. Dr. Nirupama Nath. Dptt of Bengali. M. C. Das College

12. Mrs. Manju Bhattacharjee. Dptt of Bengali. M. C. Das College

13. Nazrul Islam Laskar. Dptt of English. M. C. Das College

14. Sabir Ahmed Choudhury. Dptt of English. M. C. Das College

15. Islam Uddin Barbhuiya. Dptt of English. M. C. Das College

16. Parimal Nath. Dptt of Philosophy. M. C. Das College

17. Mrs. Kanika Nath. Dptt of Philosophy. M. C. Das College

18. Barat Laskar. Dptt of Persian. M. C. Das College

19. Late Hamid Ali. Dptt of History. M. C. Das College

20. Joybabu Singha. Dptt of Political Science. M. C. Das College

21. Mrs. Nandini Singha. Dptt of Political Science. M. C. Das College

22. Basanta Babu Singha. Dptt of Manipuri. M. C. Das College

23. Dr. Mangala Laisram. Dptt of Manipuri. M. C. Das College

24. Dr. Nirmala Singha. Dptt of Manipuri. M. C. Das College

25. Dr. Mithu Mahanta. Dptt of English. M. C. Das College

26. Bipul Pator. Dptt of Political Science. M. C. Das College

27. Mrs. Minara Laskar. Dptt of Philosophy. M. C. Das College

28. Afsor Hussain Laskar. Dptt of History. M. C. Das College

29. Khaled Azam Mazumder. Dptt of History. M. C. Das College

30. 

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8.16 AM. UM. Sonai. Room

26.7.25 Sat

The first batch teaching and non-teaching staff of the college was perhaps a different template )except a couple or three frosty ones). The union was possible because of Abba and glittering quality of others. It was like a beautiful joint family. Mrs. Bharati Dam of Bengali department was like a true bloodline not just to my father but my mother too. Her loving tone is still afresh in my mind. বৌদি ও বৌদি for my parents! When my mother couldn't regularly go for work due to spooky nonmedical health issues, she used to come home and rebuke Abba, ওকে কেন জাইতে দেও না! ও কি অশিক্ষিত! আর শিলচোরের মে!  My parents were surely snobbish or shy to share her extraterrestrial health issues. And soon due to the same reasons there was no other way but choose voluntary retirement. Another dearest staff was Dr. Nirupama Nath of the same department. Abba too used to call her 'Niru' and his younger sister. She played a kind and close role in keeping Abba reported and guided. She is very dear to me too because she was the first person outside Abba who had gifted me books more than once, when I was a school girl; all of which I have still racked with care. Her first one was a translated Russian story book by Maxim Gorky. Other story books were in Bengali. She was also the first PhD of the college and the first and only female Principal i/c. When I was fearful and hesitant, Abba inspired me with her example to try the same degree.

The third staff whose quality and loyalty my father trusted without doubt was Sabir Sir, Sabir Ahmed Choudhury of English department who still remains a close well wisher of the college and still working amongst the retirees.... They and others, they made an unbelievable society in the college which will never form again!

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5.42 AM. UM. Sonai. Room

25.7.25 Fri

I think I was a school kid then. Very young, in lower classes. In the Assam-type house. The simple wooden doors. It was around noon time. I think it was the summer vacation. And lo! Appeared an old woman in white sari with a small dao in hand! And she wanted to hit, cut and kill us all! Although you need to be goodly practiced hitter if you really want to murder, in which she was not. Amma and the maid shut the wooden doors. Abba was at home. As usual calm and smiling. The woman was আমুরুন দাইজ্জি. She was from the Abba's family of that part who had migrated to Kaptanpur village a few generations back. Her son had died and she had become insane. That frantic scene of her attempted attack & why she chosed us (out of jealousy that there was a perfect family?) always remain curious for me. And that, pain of loss of people you love could lead to insanity.

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7.41 AM. UM. Sonai. Room

24.7.25 Thu

I think I was in class V or VI when using the protractor was introduced in the Assam board Maths text book. Abba's a nephew named Atikur was our Maths tution teacher. He used to come almost daily, in the afternoon. For years he taught us Maths until we moved to Silchar for complete tutions, when I was in class X. Atikur bhaisaab's Maths teacher's job in Madrassa was through Abba only. So, he and his family remained always grateful for it. Even now the two families share a good sense of trust unlike any other paternal families in Sonai.... Not understanding the practical use of protactors and being a very timid child I didn't clarify it with Atikur Bhaisaab and at the same time being a fairly good student, I was filled with fear of going for the Maths exam without knowing protactor use. It was morning time. Getting ready for Holy Cross Silchar, each morning before 7.30 AM by us and by our parents: Oh! Those mornings were the most active hours of the entire days. Complete Commotions! No sitting. Just one point after another. So, amidst those super busy points in the morning on the exam day, I could somehow manage to sheepishly disclose to my father that I didn't understand protactor use. He was surprised and quite angry and immediately sent for Atikur Bhaisaab! He came soon and to everybody's wonder it was found that I was using the protractor, opposite! Imagine my foolishness. And imagine, if a man like my father was not there then my Maths score would had sweated down more. How will I not remember my father!

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3.47 AM. UM. Sonai. Room

23.7.25 Wed

When my job in the college got confirmed and I used to go in auto rickshaws or টুকটুকি. Abba showed dissent, গাড়ি ছালানি হিকিতে, আর ছালাইয়া জাইতে! So, I learnt it from the Driving School, Peshkar Jangal, paying six thousand and got the driving licence too. But even before when I was yet a student and sometimes when Abba used to drive, he used to show & say, driving একেবারে সুজা জিনিস. And, he used to show the movement of the steering and explain the ABC underfeet. I could fully read his desire. Atlast I did & became the first woman in Sonai to drive. After me, others broke their fears and snobbishness. What I want to say here is that the blasts in my marital life mattered my father quite less too. Or else, like other conventional fathers he would had kept me hidden inside. Rather, it was again the mother who pounded me to stop driving because I had scratched, hit Mangala Di's car and ran from college premises without apologising out of shame & confusion. Apart from mother's stopping a loud malecentric, comment incident at রহিমর দুকান templated in my sensitive mind. The line was, এলকু বেটিন ও গাড়ি লইয়া বারি গেছৈন! Then, health wise it became quite problematic. I realised that one needs to be physically sturdy and mentally at peace for a peaceful driving. I again started the  public transport with my little daughter. Abba kept on rebuking, গাড়ি লইয়া জাইতে!  How many fathers in earth remake the hurt and harmed daughter is again another lesson to be infected by men from my father. 

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4.4 PM. UM. Sonai. Room

22.7.25 Tues

Translating these spots of time with my father, I make him live with me. That, everything is somewhere the old same.... In context to peerdom one noon when like every year, Abba's niece (She left the world just a month before Abba) from বাঁস্কান্ডি had come to stay with us for two-three days, Abba had shared that when the Peer of Bagpur was urgently escorted by a family in মাজিরগ্রাম in relation to someone incurably ill in the family. Abba was in the college and as soon as he heard, he hurried to see & meet the living Saint. That house and vicinity was hyphenated with good crowd to see him, meet or to get some water or oil charmed. Abba was seated just near him. One of the neighbours of the host also put his glass forward which had water. He blew. The man was not convinced and blurted, থুড়া জুরে খরি ফুঁ দেও! The Peer was slightly annoyed. Abba continued, আমার সামনে, তাইন ও দিছইন. ফুঁ! জুরে খরিয়া. আর গ্লাস বাঙ্গি গেছে! The man got frightened and immediately asked for forgiveness.... The cousin added that when the same Peer used to visit বাঁস্কান্ডি and stepped down for উজু in pond, the fish would swarm around his feet to kiss, which her in-laws and men would witness. That dearest sister, Abba and us; and the energy of our house would change. I wasn't ready for her sudden go.

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6.14 AM. UM. Sonai. Room

21.7.25 Sun

It fills me with ire, detest & helplessness that two members of the family were constantly showing the mirror to my dying father! Readers will disbelieve my disclosure. Their motive was the ownerships. My Achilles heel was and is being- the female! I felt like bad mouthing them. I felt like smashing the crooked face and cackling sound of that mulla brought by one of the members! The third class mulla was asking my ill father around thirty times বাগফুরোর সাবরে দেখোনি! ওয়ালি উল্লা অখরোরে দেখোনি? Oh!! How can some family members become so nasty and low! Oh! I could do nothing for my father in his last month! He was being heartlessly &  systematically mirrored towards death. And by their each uttered word & teamwork, Abba surrendered and silenced and silenced! This world is spinning on overtime.

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9.7 AM. UM. Sonai. Room

19.7. 25 Sat

It was the last day of the saint and জানাজা of মজিদ মামু, the মজু ফকির at Majirgram village. I was then a school girl. It was a normal bright day from the morning till magrib. Abba came home and shared the unbelievable mandate with Amma! আসমান ত একেবারে ছাফ, অইলে আসতা আসমানে মেঘর লাখান গুড় গুড় শব্দ! মানসে আসমানে ছাইচইন আর অইতফিত খাইছৈন- ফিরিশতা অখল নামিয়া আইচইন জানাজাত! It was perfectly clear that the angels had descended down to join the Janaja of the saint. The sky rolled out their rumblings to each man then, there in earth and it also remained fastened to my ears till now. In which area didn't my father shape my mind! Those charmed-rumble news brought by him makes me always believe that- Intention is Superior to Prayers.

I have a flashy blur memory of very early childhood when Abba had taken us to the same Saint and got us blessed. He was seated on the mud floor in the same location where his Mukam is now. My mother's late third brother was once there with a paternal cousin of mine on a moonlight night. He had started taunting him and disturbed his ধ্যান, despite alarms by the nephew, challenging: তুইন বলে মজু ফকির ওই গেছত, ফাওয়ার বলে আই গেছে! দেখি ছাইন, জুনাখ রাইত মেঘ ওয়াইয়া দেখা! And Lo! It started raining large drops in that particular area! It took full one year for my uncle to recover from the shock, fear and curse of the great Saint.... Abba was the President of the Saint's Mukam for many years until a lobby frittered out that a masjid be inside it too, to which Abba & others justified that a Mukam or Dargah runs with people's money from all religions and so, that money can't be used for masjid; & it is never possible to know who put how much in the donation boxes. Abba silently resigned. I clearly remember Abba's over-thoughtful face those few days. And like any normal daughter, I was not sad that he had to set aside. The Mukam was expanded under Abba's tutelage. Eighty thousand annually then was collected by the Mukam. It was realised under Abba that previously the collected was being siphoned.

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7.13 AM. UM. Sonai. Room

17.7.25. Thu

Mickey was the black, woolly dog given to Abba by a Manipuri acquaintance brought from Manipur. It was such a loyal dog that when a housekeeper named Zakir was stealing our rice grains, mounded on the front verandah, each night with the help of a person from Laskar ঘুষটি, it was Mickey who caught him first! He used to pounce at Zakir. Then in the next few days, when we had gone back to our house in Peshkar Jangal, he called us and informed Amma that the dog suddenly died. When we immediately reached back here and found its bled mouth, we realised it was poisoned. After a few days, in another matter when again he was troubling and my parents couldn't confront him, it was my impatience and anger that had ultimately compelled my parents to remove that housekeeper.... Then, Abba had requested another dog from Nirupama Madam (Dr. Nirupama Nath). Her love, respect and loyalty towards Abba was so much that she gave us one from her own dogs. It was another example of loyalty. Once when Abba had gone me to Cotton and we were heading for the bus, the same dog ran and followed us till Majirgram village as if trying to stop us, warning us! We were surprised and understood it later. Abba dropped me in Cotton hostel and unlike other times left for home that evening only. He was in some work hurry I guess. And the car that he boarded in was not the usual route. When I called Amma the next day and confirm if Abba reached home, she was shellshocked! After every sometime I called and the answer was no. For around two days this horror persisted. Amma had fallen flat on the floor. I was utterly filled with shock, if I should be guilty and fear in Guwahati. What was happening! Then suddenly in two days Abba reached home and let all know that actually he took the Dobaka route to Silchar and in between their car was followed by some terrorists. All those mess slowed the journey. Oh! Imagine what my father went through to make me. And the love and loyalty of our dog towards his new owner!

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12.21 PM. UM. Sonai. Room

16.7.25 Wed

(These, I forwarded to Dr. Abdul Basith Laskar of college to help him write an article on Abba)

Alhaj Tajamul Ali Mazumdar S/O Alhaj Massadar Ali Mazumdar (Distinguished Jury Member in Silchar Court and Panchayat in  pre and post Independence times) S/O Harun Rashid Mazumdar.

Village: Uttar Mohanpur

(Presently Ward 7)

Brothers:

1. Alhaj Maktassir Ali Mazumdar Sub Engineer. His eldest son's job in Gulezar Ali School (land donated by Abba and built by Abba alone) was given by Abba. Munni Pharmacy, its land and building completely belonged to Abba was also donated to the eldest brother's family so that they could survive.... Hrishikesh Sir's elder brother and he were colleagues. It was through this acquaintance Rishi Sir got job.

2. Gulezar Ali Mazumdar Panchayat & Man of tremendous intelligence, influence and power. The idea of the college was his brainchild. Died untimely and young. His eldest son was given the school teacher's job in Model school, Sonai and third son in our college.

3. Alhaj Mabbassir Ali Mazumdar Kazi of Sonai region/Registrar of Muslim Marriages. Got the job completely due to youngest brother's intervention as the other contenders for the same post were from Silchar

4. Alhaj Tajamul Ali Mazumdar 

Other jobs such as school teachers, etc given by Abba in the extended family:

1. Atikur Rahman Mazumdar Maths teacher in Sonai Madrassa

2. Ajmal Mazumdar School Teacher

3. Latu Mazumdar School Teacher

4. Jamil Mazumder School Teacher

5. Nurul Barbhuiya Retd as Head Assistant in M. H. Choudhury School Sonabarighat (Owner of Suhana Vivah Bhawan)

6. All posts in college till his Principalship and Presidentship of M. C. Das College including eldest daughter

Apart from dozens of others in the Sonai region and others. He has this fame added, that he is perhaps such a lone influential man in the region who gave maximum jobs single handedly

Abba had done Hajj twice. He is equally famous by his typical Bengali pet name পটল

Our family is the maternal house of Moinul Hoque Choudhury's maternal grandmother (তান মার নানিবাড়ি). This family reason and being men of equal quality kept them both deeply together forever till Moinul Hoque Choudhury's death.

The refugee influx from Bangladesh was constantly on and the government had arranged makeshift houses for them in the district. And when they were being permanently resettled, Gulezar Ali Mazumdar, then being an influential man of the region, arranged a few trucks with the used remains of those houses in the form of bamboo, etc to be used in the college construction.

Our great grandfather, grandfather & fathers were not identified as zamindars but had a fair spread of lands that they had to settle ryots.... From our gen the ryots were either gone or bought.

My grandfather died when Abba was for MA in Guwahati. Death news was reached to the university to Abba by Ex-Minister Lutfur Rahman's sent person. Abba reached home but a bit late, his father was already buried. My mother had read the letters which he used to write to Abba in Guwahati - আমি প্রত্যেক দিন তুমার জন্য দুয়া করি and shared the letters were very touching.

My grandfather died when Abba was for MA in Guwahati. Death news was reached to the university to Abba by Ex-Minister Lutfur Rahman's sent person. Abba reached home but a bit late, his father was already buried. My mother had read the letters which he used to write to Abba in Guwahati - আমি প্রত্যেক দিন তুমার লাগি দুয়া করি and shared the letters were very touching.

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6.36 AM. UM. Sonai. Room

15.7.25 Tue

Amma's ফুফু, daughter of the zamindar who not only became the first Muslim tea planter (till now the only) of Cachar district but made the largest Waqf of the district; she had a sister whom I never saw. When India was going through partition, her husband was working in Dacca and it is not confirmed to me if he couldn't or didn't join India. His wife and children remained in their marital or paternal place. The zamindar gave a plot of land to his daughter in ঘনিয়ালা, near Malugram where Amma's paternal home is still lying. She had two sons and two daughters. I had come across the two young sons, the younger was a simpleton which made him a constant victim of the elder, a free servant until one day the young boy disappeared. The father used to come from Bangladesh until he stopped because the elder son detested the father because of leaving the family like that and under son's responsibility. When Amma brought her aunt here in this house for a month, I remember Amma asking why ফুফাজি doesn't visit anymore, to which she replied that he (eldest son) didn't like and used to bang doors in anger. Oh! I still remember, having known Abba's influence, he had written two sad and desperate letters to Abba from Bangladesh to help him return to the country and his family! Partition had created unending complexities in numerous Muslim families too.... Abba had stayed his elder sister's husband's deportation to Bangladesh when he was merely a class ten student. The Patwari's enemies had framed him as a Bangla refugee which Abba quashed in Supreme Court with the help of a couple of influential men from here in Delhi then. I surmise Abba couldnt try for Amma's ফুফা because things was more complex in his case and Abba was too engrossed in his college, politics, বড়মাসজিদ building and other life. Abba used to sit near her while we six ate together and observe the unique way she spoke. The voice had a musical annotation.... Then when the lonely man was getting ready for death, he was aching to let his children inherit his savings from bank then or even his post-death. It is unknown to me if any fat savings was claimed or inherited by the elder son. But after a few years when the wife was getting ready for death, she used to be beaten by the.... When she died, the narrative had spread that she died from falling after her son pushed her. She had ebony skin, a caucasian nose, a large hairy wart on chin and tall. The complete monetary help her zamindar father sent to construct the housr when her children were still small, was named গুলাব ভিলা. Her name was Ghulab বিবি.

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3.24 PM. UM. Sonai. Room

14.7.25 Mon

Wimbledon is going on. Like others, I too considered it the most glamorous of all tennis comps. Most stylish because then Princess of Wales Lady Diana came. I think her presence made Wimbledon the most famous tennis tournament and continues to do so. DD used to live telecast this tournament and other tennis tournaments like French Open, Australian, etc. It was the dream sport filled with fashion; peer audiences which the commentators kept on identifying, retired tennis stars; Aranxtza Sanchez Vicario of Spain who looked so serious, and when plump Vicario played with a thinner opponent, Abba used to serenely tease "ওউ একজন মুমু আরেকজন টুটু". That tease was filled with his love for his two daughters. He could realise that I was addicted to watching tennis and he never disturbed. The strong Gabriela Sabatini of Argentina whose log-like legs looked so different; Monica Seles of Yugoslavia who was famous for being No. 1, equally famous for her grunts while she stroke & was stabbed by a Steffi Graf fan, pretty Graf from Germany married Andre Agassi whom Abba identified with a maternal cousin of ours, "ইগু ত দেখতে একেবারে আমরার জলকি"; Venus Williams of America, whose father groomed them for tennis only from early childhood onwards only; Mary Joe Fernandez who loved flaunting, drinking from her paper cups and the commentators smirked at it; the smaller but sweetly serious Taiwanese-American Michael Chang, it took me a bit of years to apprehend why and how Chinese or Taiwanese looking people were American too, plus, his smaller height did not bar his success as our Sania Mirza; John McEnroe, Pete Sampras whom Abba teased why his tongue is out. He used to say, "ওউ জিব্রা বার করিয়া হারছে." And as William sisters were made by their father, Sampras' mother was never absent from her son's any game; Jana Novotna of the Chezk Republic who had heplessly cried once while playing against Graf, and the only tennis star who died early; Martina Navratilova whose nuptial knot with the same gender agaped me; romantic faced German Boris Baker with white eyelashes who still remains to be the youngest grand slam holder and when this was asked in a school quiz by Mrs. Swapna Rajiv, I timidly answered it in a trance; my last attraction was towards filmy-faced Maria Sharapova of Russia. Once I had shown her to Abba in mild excitement that her shoes had diamonds are fitted in. He silently nodded sheepishly....I was so addicted to these sportspersons that I kept on following them very minutely in the newspapers that Abba brought home.... I think I still got some kind of amorous attachment with them that I keep on googling them to check how and where they or their fams are.... What was unbelievable from this sport was that their fashion and fame never harmed the seriousness of the profession!

Tournament on Roland Garros, Australian Open, American Open, etc have also been alluring cool charmness to the sport.

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7.6 AM. UM. Sonai. Room

13.7.25 Sun

One day, Abba had scolded my daughter during dining time. It was the first time he did. She was perhaps in between 2-3. I have been quite a roddy mother with her from years. She rarely reacted like that as she did when Abba shouted a bit. The sweet angel's eyes was brimmed with oily tears and her lips were quivering. Abba and I immediately understood that she doesn't expect anything else except love, love and pamper from my father.... When Abba and Amma used to come back home from some weddings or visits, the little girl would rush to the gril and first fling two or three fast kisses to Amma and then immediately tightly grab Abba around the waist and flutter his stomach line with kisses and kisses. Abba would smile sheepishly and so we two. For the nearly ten years, my father had completely become the man my daughter balmed under as her complete umbrella of love, protection, and life.

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10.7 AM. UM. Sonai. Room

12.7.25 Sat

Among the children's single story books bought by Abba were Oliver's Summer and Maria's Wish. Oh! How beautiful the two books were! Thin and hard bound unibrowed with lovliliest coloured brush-images of the characters and their simple lives. I had flipped the duo so much that the bindings had fizzled and eared in and out. The name Oliver also magneted me so much as if I was literally trying to find out that cherub from somewhere, nowhere. I wonder where are the two books gone! Perhaps damaged too in the tiger-floods. Wish I had never let Abba-related anything unhorsed out of my life ever.

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2.47 AM. UM. Sonai. Room

11.7.25 Fri

In the last few months, Abba was taken to Guwahati to one CLD doctor Dr. Borkotoky, by other members. Borkotoky was recommended by AIG's Abba's liver surgeon Dr. Mithun Sharma. Abba's university friend Ifu Uncle and his wife visited him; uncle visited twice. Abba's another university couple friend Shamim Aunty and her husband had not. The former had given her son-in-law's mobile number who was a doctor. Abba expected the couple to visit him. He kept waiting. I too tried to message aunty from home that Abba was there. At that point she didn't pick phone. When Abba came back, he wrote a note in his old diary about his eldest brother's three sons' and family's inimical and spooky behaviour at his last points of life regarding lands and attack on me in college and Shamim Aunty's harsh ignoring!

This is how, writing has always remained important to mankind. When there's no one eligible nearby to share, we use our powerful fingers and the pen. The latter has been made by the Almighty by his own hands and so there always persists a raised capacity in it.... I have won my father's attention to my side due to my then fragile nature and knack towards learning and thinking. And by Almighty's kindness, I will keep on the same path.

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11.29 AM. UM. Sonai. Room

10.7.25 Thu

Debanjana and I became quite constant friends while in Assam University. She had often come to our house (First Floor) in Peshkar Road. As usual Abba welcomed and loved my friends so well that they instantly felt closer to him. Once Abba offered her cow's milk; his Australian hybrid's which each day he would carry from this Sonai house! She was hesitant, giggling, and drank saying, জীবনে প্রথমবার গরুর Pure দুধ খাচ্ছি, কিছু হবে না ত! It was a hilarious moment. We three smiled and laughed as she sipped the glass.... Abba not only openly & powerfully flaunted his college and other institutions but even delighted over soberer assets like his cows, the bottle gourd which had twined through the back grilguard of Peshkar Jangal's building (I had felt abashed, irked and snobbish when he made me capture the Proud and Happy him holding the gourd with his small, black Kodak; which later and now I realise has been natural part of his multidimensional fine personality- blend of the highbrow and the native. That photo was also spread with the bright morning light smeared over his extremely beautiful face! Now, I beseech it but perhaps it got damaged sometimes ago), a fifteen hundred worth blanket bought from Hyderabad, etc.... Before that once in Cotton hostel (Dighalipukuri, SKL. Room 18) he had made me bring all my four roommates down, instantly befriended them and gifted each a hundred rupee note. When we came back to the room, one of them Merryবা (Borgohain/ Department of Education) of North Lakhimpur pouted, এটু দেখুন দেওতার এক্কু পওয়া নায়! I was deliberately demeaned by her but what makes me feel elated even now that even my roommates who were from Assam's such farflung spots were impressed and touched by his extra-social, robust personality and the love shown towards them even for a day, for just a moment!....The other roommates were Himani Barman of Education (Nalbari), Himadri Saharia of Political Science (Pathshala), & Karabiবা (Das) of Geography (Morigaon).

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8.25 AM. UM. Sonai. Room.

9.7.25. Wed

It was Abba who took me to the Greenview hospital in Silchar after the labour pain began early morning. He was on the backseat with me. On halfway he said, ডরাইছ না, আমি আছি. Others came later. I was not afraid but filled with anguish, anxiety and remorse at the no-role of the child's paternals. Abba and Amma not only helped with the nine months medical expenses but paid the fifty thousand hospital fees of the baby's birth. Dr. Pinaki Chakravorty was my daughter's baby doctor in the OT from 2014 till now. For around year, he used to come every Sunday in Sonai's Medicine Corner which Abba shared, was the first pharmacy in Sonai. Again Abba accompanied me there often at the upper storey of the pharmacy. He never left me and my daughter alone anyday, anywhere. When he was very ill in the last few months and I was again in the doctor's chamber outside his house near RE hospital, he enquired about my parents. "আগে ত মেসো আসতেন, আপনার মা ও আসতেন, এখন আর আসেন না". I shared Abba's health with him. He took the liver details and suggested a few things. I miss my father too much. I want him back. My life has become too short because he is nowhere seen and heard by me anymore.

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10.10 AM. UM. Sonai. Room.

8.7. 25. Tues

Abba was so worried with my deprecating eye state. Like, with my four decades old allergic cough, he was worried with my three decade old debilitating eye sight. Only he remained worried about the two till his last months. My physical and personal errors remained his unsolved issues too. (It's good that I didn't let him know a certain more grave physical error which I received through marriage. Or else, he would have really remained clueless and fully lost my battle) Then, will my love for my father decrease or increase? In his last few months too he uttered, ওয় লইয়া বই রো! In the last one year or two years of life, he insisted dozen times to go to Nepal. And I had once suggested that we four will go (including Amma). At that time his body had already become weak. But Abba and I had one thing in common- we first imagine and win in the head. 

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7.19 AM. UM. Sonai. Room.

7.7.25 Mon

In 2022's June was the tiger floods in Cachar and Silchar. It was strange and Almighty's mercy that Abba's both the houses, here and Silchar's Peshkar Jangal's ones got saved! But before that I was in solemn fear for Silchar house and as was seated near Abba and discussing about what might happen, he found out my mind's condition once again. He benignly said, কিতা খরতে তে! I was worried for inverter and other stuff which might get damaged. Abba had gifted me the ground floor which I had renovated in 2021 with the first salaries (around 4.5 lakhs) at Abba's wish only. As usual, I just wanted to obey him and convince him that his hard earned wealth will remain well maintained. Even now, each month I visit it minimum once. His one that liner কিতা খরতে তে made me realise that before Almighty's choice, our choices are feeble. If a mighty man like Abba could surrender so easily then should I not too.... After that flood, Abba's friend Ifu Uncle and his wife had also talked over phone from Guwahati. I talked to Mahfuza Madam (Uncle's wife) after decades of leaving Cotton. She was my local guardian and Professor in Geography in the same heritage college. I thanked her that day for the unending signatures she did on my each application without ever reading them. Among Abba's all friends and their families in Guwahati, I found them, (Late) and Dipen Uncle's family the most awesome! The latter couple had even come to our this house and had lunch. Aunty was originally from Cachar and their elder son Amit Rahul was a year senior in our college. He is now a Professor in an American university and had taken aunty there with him. I had mailed him and asked to tell his mother about Abba's leaving the world. When I was in SKL Cotton hostel, uncle had come to see me. How nervous I was because it was for the first time a man outside my father and Amma's youngest brother was trying to meet and talk to me. Seeing my condition he had immediately left but teased me on the day he came in this Sonai house, that how scared I was. I felt embarrassed. Abba's true friends are some of the best human beings I had come across. Then there was Ranjit Sinha uncle who was the Under Secretary in Human Resource Ministry, Delhi when we had visited there for treatment and JNU library visit while PhD was ongoing.

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5.32 AM. UM. Sonai. Room.

6.7.25 Sun

I had practiced in court for a brief period of time which I deeply and badly regret now. Because, my little daughter although under the guardianship of my paternals (particularly my father) she missed my touch and sound for long hours of the day.... It was around magrib I hitched back and found her in deep sleep in Abba's bed and he was rubbing a portion of her haired head with ice and cold water. When he narrated that while playing she fell in the verandah over a splash and hurt the sensitive head-part, I immediately touched and found that the large mound was somewhat still spread. Oh! He kept on rubbing. I was silently around every now and then. After around an hour, he called me and showed that the mound disappeared. I touched and searched. It was really not there. And he explained that if such things happen to anyone this is how it should be treated until the inflamed part settles back. For the last ten years of his life, Abba had made this major task of his life- to grow and groom my daughter. Each day when we came from school and before we could step in the verandah premises, he would welcome and exclaim, "Mariam আইছো নি! Mariam আইছে রে!" Oh! Now it's completely snakelike silence and enter unwanted. Then we had become objects of jealousy because of his full love and super-care and his planting me here. No second in her paternal or maternal person is really interested in my daughter's life.... I also want to say here that all the four-five major mishaps of my innocent daughter had taken place in my absence from home. They are- inserting seed inside nostrils, broke a corner of a front tooth, attempt of abuse by my sister-in-law's maid servant's teenaged boy relative but rescued on time by my sister, this major fall and inflaming the head, another about-to-be major fall but rescued on time by my mother, physical and verbal victimisation by teachers and classmates in her first school, etc. These have engrossed me stay with her as much as possible, almost all the time except school. When I have to be in college, Amma is with her the younger daughter in Guwahati and her school is off, I am left with no option but lock her and hand the keys and the old mobile with her.

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6.9 AM. UM. Sonai. Room.

5.7.25 Sat

Among all the animated book strips of Amar Chitra Katha bought by Abba, were the biographies of important personalities of the country including on Hedgewar- the radical figure for the Muslims whom the latter still fear the former's set-ideals even now. I and you will realise Abba's depth in providing his children, the spectrum of important personalities of the country irrespective of religion and ideologies. His objective was to familiarise us with reading and knowledge, the first step towards becoming a good thinker, and the rest. Then, there were comics of Mandrake, He-man, etc, all of Abba's choice.... I regret that all those comics, folk tales kept in trunks were completely wet in one of the tiger floods. Abba tried to dry them for days in the sun. But the stink and hellbent damage was pyrrhic! I had felt very sad. Even now after more than three decades, the images and smell of the pages are afresh in my brain-bank. And that way, this bank has unending nanowires set only by my father.

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6.7 AM. UM. Sonai. Room

4.7.25 Fri

Abba used to bring home a petite magazine named Wisdom. I am still miffed with the knowledge puffed in its thin, dainty editions! For years I read it. It was simple yet irresistible. I loved it and he too realised it. His books, newspapers and magazines choices for children was unique, deep, coincided with the national vibes and still ubiquitous in rural places like Sonai- Frontline, The Week, CR, The Statesman, Telegraph, The Asian Age, comic books including Marvel comics, comic books, Amar Chitra Katha series, folk tales, encyclopaedias, সবুজ পাতা, etc, etc, etc. Being a Man of the Public he found less time to read and barely had time to regularly tutor us in studies. But, he pulped this gap by streaming in the house with perennial study materials beyond the syllabus which would shape the mind and thoughts.... So, he brought and kept Wisdom with his files and other documents. For the first few times he used to hand it over to me. And then after sometime, he pulse pointed that I would flick it out by myself. These variety study materials still shape my thought-flow and my silent racks are spree with his books whose number I am yet to replace despite the off and on regular buys and collections. There is not an area spared where he didn't show stellar quality and outshone men of his times. In parenthood too, he enticed others to imitate him, particularly in academia. And as I enroot in the same old place and house, my father's rock-like knowledge and farsightedness with the importance of reading still motivates and shapes me. After the Almighty, every point of all good in life has been primed by him and him alone.... He had tremendously regretted quite a few times before me that he could not do PhD due to duty towards children, the college and.... So being an over-intelligent man he completed that gap and telos too by motivating both daughters to accomplish it. He remained so mesmerised and content towards us both for this that he would over-share it with anyone, anywhere. In AIG hospitals Hyderabad once when I admitted him for two days for his first blood transfusion and then doctors would come for their time-set duty rounds, he would tell this to  them with full happiness! And then he used to again lay down with eyes closed, looking exhausted and may be sleeping. One doctor then addressing me said, "Look, despite so ill and memory loss, he has not forgotten you two." 

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8.41 AM. UM. Sonai. Room

3.7.25 Thu

We were then in the Assam Type house. The television was that old styled one, দরজাআলা. And Doordarshan was the lone channel then. A musical program was flaunting. Pandit Shiv Kumar was playing the santoor. Abba was near me. He got touched! আহ! He exclaimed naturally. Mr. Shiv Kumar's closed eyes, the serene seriousness on his kashmiri face, the beautiful sounds fiddled from his fingers and tiny tines had filled our room with some strange stability and silent sweetness. Abba and I were touched. I will never forget that scene, that moment, the power and capacity of the detached artist's to captivate my father's eyes and mind and small me in a far flung rural nook.... There was another such artistic scene which was perhaps again in DD news, our old house, and the same TV room. Prime Minister Inder Kumar Gujral's brother Satish Gujral, the famous artist was in the news. Abba was just around and halted to watch. (And he would always stand in and around wherever I was ever since I was that fragile child, just to make me feel that he was there for me and I am not alone. It was actually only him who had this intelligence and depth to apprehend that I was a born loner) The artist's knuckles were dipped in some lucid paint. And with that closed, dipped fist, he instantly drew a perfect beautiful image on the standing canvas board, at just one go! Unbelievable artistry! He again naturally exclaimed, বাহঃ! I was timid and shy but equally mesmerised. And we two too kept on bonding like this with such points of time, beyond times.

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3.45 AM. UM. Sonai. Room.

2.7. 25 Wed

It was around three decades back. Abba's first Australian cow had died. He had bought it then at fifty or sixty thousand rupees from the most known cow market. I think he was inspired by Amma's a maternal second uncle whose second daughter was married to her third brother. I remember, how jealous a niece (youngest sister's a daughter) of his was and disbelieving the price came to my small study confirmed it in a dangerously, hawkish laughter. Her screeching laughter sound is unforgettable. I was a school girl then. That huge cow gave five to ten litres of milk. Abba regularly shared it with all his relatives, Amma's paternals, bazar's acquaintances and many more. It was not possible for us five to drink so much. Amma regularly made ghee out it and kept bottles filled. The fragrance of hot ghee is awesome. I regret and extremely detest for the so-called new male leader for killing this cow and milk culture of my father by immediately selling off the last remaining cow, as soon as Abba fell severely ill last year! He was in a hurry for the money and change the rules before Abba's exit. The unforgettable nastiness for money and ownership! I refuse to forgive my mother and sister for not uttering a word to defend or stop it or unnecessarily surrender before such low and selfish decisions! They two had their own motives to keep him pacified. When I raised my lone voice, "It is psychologically related. They grew up with cows!" He taunted me and said the money for Abba's treatment was getting diverted or wasted. Whereas, Abba's high pension never made money ever short for the treatment anytime! Unfortunately, he has genetically inherited the dirtiest genes of Amma's all four brothers. Amma's fifth sister used to openly exclaim and explain that he was worser than all their four brothers which I too believe, witness and still become constantly victimised. One of the proofs, I leave for the world to know too is that my marital failures have made everyone in my life, families, workplace, friend circle, (except my father) openly taunt me or insult at least once. But he has been doing it from twenty years!.... Before that mammoth Australian cow, Abba had Jersey cows one after another. One or two Jerseys along with the new hybrid one always remained too. My father's house filled and flowed with milk! The sounds of the steel buckets still ring in my sad brain. The cows used to be milked by Abba's a  nephew from the ঘুষটি who in turn used to take some free milk, monthly fee and some kind things every now and then. Before him, another cousin's husband used to milk Abba's cows. This couple were cousins, if first or second is not yet clear to me. He died blind because of a wrong surgery done by a so-called famous eye doctor of Silchar. That uncle also helped Abba's second eldest brother in contracts.... The house is now soundless without Abba and his cows. A good part of his salary and pension used to get diverted in the rearing of all kinds of cows. At Amma's instigation I too once told him to sell the cows. I remember how and what he retorted and reacted, "আমি মরিয়া হারলে গরু বেছিও. আমরা গরু লইয়া বড় অইছি!" Oh! Very sadly, the cows got finished before his leaving the world by a selfish, insensitive and most notorious member of the family. Abba was already weak and quieter in his last few months. He didn't utter a word. But, I could read his heart, head and silent eyes. He knew what was being prepared, what was his son getting ready for! My noisy head could only snort out the a fake consoling line to him, "Abba, তুমি ছিনতা করিও না. আগে বালা ওই জাও. Bazar তাকি গরু লইতে আর খতবিল লাগে." He was absolutely quiet. These were the only tragic months of my father because his son was helping me partially to take care of Abba but parallely hurrying and waiting for him to leave!.... When that first Australian cow was dying, Abba couldn't dare to witness it. His eldest brother and the latter's fifth son had come with zamzam water and bade it a Muslim farewell. We too remained inside rooms. I too felt sad, more sad because my father was sad and silent. The dead cow was then either graved it or drowned in the river is not remembered by me right now. After that, Abba again bought a few more such hybrid cows. But, we shared an expansive life with the first one.... The poultry (chicken and pigeons) also got removed by the same person and indirectly by his wife too for the reasons of poops. The loss of the sounds of cows and poultry of this house forever is now adding to my depressions and sadness. I regret losing that semi-rural life. Abba had created the best life with the perfect blend of the town and rural. My sister and I are best products of that hybrid growing up. City sophistication and rural simplicity is natural in us. My sister's one sisterinlaw realising it openly wanted a daughters in law for her sons who would be such blend like her sisterinlaw. This statement by her her made me realise how and what my father made us. I spread my choices to others and others hate me for my self. I think, growing up children with the blend of rural and city manners are best. We will not hate the rurals and we will never be scared of the cities. I regret that my ten years old daughter too got deprived of the same life given to her as soon as he became bed confined and now perhaps forever. There are too many associated reasons with Abba to be sad and helpless. I lost everything and everyone forever. He had only kept me connected.

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7.28 AM. UM. Sonai. Room

1.7.25 Tues

One day, Amma witnessed Abba's college's Manju Madam (Mrs. Manju Bhattacharjee of Bengali Dptt) in Sonai bazar with hair completely short. Boy or bob cut. Amma was in car. Madam had come down from the bus and was heading towards the college looking for other vehicles. Amma was so, so taken aback, fell back home, and in the evenings and till next morning she kept on wriggling and exclaiming affront Abba "মঞ্জু ইতা কিতা! মঞ্জু ইতা কিতা!" The next day Abba shared the same exclamations with all in front of Manju Madam too. Actually Konika Madam (Mrs. Konika Nath) had also cut her hair same short. In the evening back home he again related the pull story of the short hairs. "আমি খইলাম, মঞ্জু তর বৌদি এ তর ছুল দেকিয়া, খতল বাদে খইন, মঞ্জু ইতা কিতা, মঞ্জু ইতা কিতা!" And the staff pilfered into laughter and happiness. (Abba's that voice, sound, scene, pitch, liners have still remained etched on my  head and heart) Then they all sat in one common room unlike presently departmental cubicles.

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7.56 AM. UM. Sonai. Room

20.6.25 Friday

When I was a little girl I used to regularly clean my father's eye boogers. It was in our Assam type house. Initially there were just two large rooms and a large kitchen with two long front and back verandahs. There was the washroom line with two Eastern toilets at the end, one bathroom with beautiful floral wall tiles (which I believe Abba borrowed the idea from Amma's eldest brother's beautiful washroom) and shower, and the second was urine cum bathroom with shower. Ah! The cool lovely sounds of the showers still linger in my ears. The water which fell was so smooth. I believe both the showers were of very good quality. A few years later, Abba added more rooms, another very large room and a smaller sitting room with coloured glasses. Thay largest room and sitting room were under the RCC construction....I am not linking that that side is being broken by the so-called new male heir! I wish they were just renovated. That was the heritage side.... When Abba used to return from working in vegetable garden, I used to rush with a piece of cloth or gamcha to clean the white boogers. Oh! What pure love it was! And he used to lay out his face ahead for me to do so. 

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My daughter and I are so indebted to my Abba that writing about them would never finish till my last breath. While skimming those memory pages, I remember Silchar's বঙ্গ ভবন. My girl was in nursery and Sai Vikash school had its annual (I think the first) programme there. I got an orange frock stitched for her by my regular tailor woman in sonabarighat, designed by me. Then I had not employed a regular driver. Abba had asked one who was being late. At this I got a bit irritated because Abba had previously stopped me from going in auto. Then, he himself drove us and Amma there. I instantly got the punishment from Almighty. First of all, the programme started very late. Then, onstage my daughter and her best friend Dvijia Paul (who recently became state table tennis junior champion) were completely and deliberately kept hidden by the class teacher. She revenged us mothers that day only because we were the only two who were more conscious and of querying natures in WhatsApp group.... Till now I feel ashamed and guilty and will continue so. More than showing anger I also realised that Abba had felt physically affected by that driving, from home till the last point of Silchar, at such age, and hidden diseases which I realise now were already growing within him.

.... Another instance of such driving was when my daughter was not admitted in school yet. I used to practice in Silchar bar. And while playing in the frontyard, she accidentally put seed in her nose! It was noontime. Abba was in resting or in mild sleep. The baby went and told her mashi about it. She had no other option but unwillingly wake up Abba. He shook up in surprise and anger at the baby but as reported later by my sister, instantly recovered and took her to Sonai hospital, accompanied by her mashi too. The doctors there warned not to delay a second more and run to SMC because the seed, finding water is inflaming and would soon block the nostril and this might lead to suffocation, death or surgery. Her mashi came back from home in tuktuki. There was no time to drop her back. On the way, he took his nephew from his youngest sister. At home, my mother and sister were afraid to call on my mobile and so they let Amma's youngest sister, (who was present here with us in those days and still now often comes to live with us), to call me. I still remember how scared she too was and was gulping saliva while relating the accident. She added that Abba asked me to directly reach SMC's emergency unit. My legs started shaking. My body had become weak. I thought that day I was losing my baby forever. The senior advocate seeing my condition asked another female junior to say that I should not worry and everything will be ok. I reached in SMC and found the eon car in the premises. My daughter fell asleep in the back seat. My cousin said that she was ok. Inside, Abba hurried to get the ticket. Then, above on the first floor there sat a young group of interns who took the case very seriously. We were let to bypass all other patients. As usual SMC was always overcrowded. Two young doctors took special care and scooped out the seed. My brave baby who didn't cry ever from the time of injecting the seed and cooperated fully and as alarmef by her masi didn't even let me touch or see the nose was awesomely relieving! She let the doctors take it out. Her alert mood was really worth witnessing. It was hilarious too. When we saw the seed, it had already swollen enough. We four then returned home. Abba drove. Unlike the driving effect to বঙ্গ ভবন, his illnesses were not visible after SMC drive but I could sense and realise, the driving had exhausted him.

... Another time my daughter was in observation for twelve hours in Nightangale hospital. She had the stomach ache which lingered back. And Dr. Pinaki Chakravorty prescribed instant admission. Amma accompanied us both. A driver was called by Abba. Her migrane tablets had failed at home. So, the painkiller had to be injected in the tiny girl. Around midnight she was being released and we suddenly saw Abba had arrived in slow motion to see his granddaughter who had then become the most important person in his life. He was being accompanied by a grand nephew. Because of hidden ill health and driving (the other eon car) he was walking very slowly. I also realised that he wanted me to know that he was there with my daughter and me always.... So imagine what has happened to me now. The nerve tablets methylcobalins which worked like magic for me has stopped showing any result now despite increased to 5000 mcg. And I know why.

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6.15 AM. UM. Sonai.

Room. 18 June 2025. Wednesday

Abba's room remains abandoned most of the time. Nobody sleeps there in that large room. Our mother sleeps in her younger daughter's room. I hide myself from the room. Pretending to run away. But, I am unable to. And I want to remain disturbed with his loss, pressed with his memories. People say it will take a year and things will be normal. I don't want things to be normal. I don't want to forget him until I reunite.

I remember Abba, my younger sister and I were in our room in Hotel Rajdoot, Paltan Bazar. A movie was going on. He immediately recognized it and smiled, "ইতা আমরার সময়কুর cinema." The movie was 'Charas'. Abba's favourite hotel was Rajdoot. The owners were Marwaris. As soon as Abba reached he would hand over all the cash in the counter. And each day he would leave for, he would take the required amount from them. Those money-trust scenes still surprises me. Those Marwari owners or their sons and managers who may sit there still enquire about him and my mother's eldest brother, the latter was introduced to the same hotel by Abba.

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1.43 PM. UM. Sonai. Sunday

15 June 2025

Abba had gone to see his spooky nephews and their families (only he could forgive and love back again!). The next day he came from his Silchar visit. He brought down an electric car from the eon car, for my little daughter! Unbelievable! He saw the same kinds in that family the day before. Was determined and bought it the next day for my daughter! You see how he kept us both! I think lucky girl was three or four years. He bought it from then Big bazar's (now Smart Bazar) underground market. Abba was quite hale and hearty yet.... A similar instant took place a year or more earlier. It was the marriage of Amma's brother's daughter in Silchar's walima marriage hall. There was some problem with the way nephew and nieces were invited. It was surprising and hurtful. We three siblings were not going actually. And I was clearly said no by the bride's mother (because of my defamed marital problems). We would not obey Amma. We were quite sentimental. But, when Abba explained we two sisters obeyed him in the blink of an eye. Abba reitereated, "তারা অধম ঔক্কা. আমি উত্তম!" Oh! And I agreed. The moment he saw we two agreed, he smiled. He was happy. In the evening he went to Silchar and returned with a lovely, furry, costly, buttery hued warm clothes set for my daughter! From Sardamoni. It was always our first clothes shop. Even now, I deliberately go there to keep myself connected to my father. The brothers used to respect Abba a lot.... The next day was the cousin's marriage. I could clearly witnesses that my mother's brother, his wife and two sisters were really surprised seeing me. The eyes were so clear. The next day the was the party in the groom's house where the bride's families are deeply invited. The bride's mother rang Amma and asked that I should not go because my daughter was still small. The phone was in loudspeaker mode. I was nearby. After keeping the mobile down, Amma angrily said, "অগু জাইতো না, হগু যাইতো না! তে আর কুনোগুরও জাইবার খাম নাই!" 

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6.25 AM. UM. Sonai. Friday

13 June 2025

It was the year of 9/11 and its aftermath that in silchar and collectively, all over the world, Muslim children were being denied admission in numerous schools. Amma's fifth sister's two daughters were confronted with similar experience from Silchar Collegiate School. Then their parents came to our house for Abba to intervene. In a day or two, Abba went. They got admitted. But that day when Abba came home (I think we were living in Peshkar Jangal's house then) he was in awe. He shared how the school Principal didn't lift his head and eyes towards Abba for half an hour or more! "ছেহরা মনোখোয় আধা ঘন্টা তুলছে না! অইলে আমি ও তারে মাতাইয়া ছাড়িছি! কত খলে মাতিলাম. ঔ গিয়া রাজি অইছে!" Actually, it was Almighty's gift to Abba. He was a mic-drop and had this amazing quality to make the dissenters agree! 

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6.31 AM. UM. Sonai. Wednesday

11 June 2025

This needs a mention. My daughter's extremely frugal food habit right from her birth has still puffed my depressions deeper and deeper. In her first few months, the baby girl was also directly suffering from some evil eye. As per a Wali from a village in Karimganj, set by my mother's youngest brother, she was affected by the jinn right from the womb's time. In fact, the same Wali's charmed water had opened my food during pregnant times. It was unbelievable that the first six months, I was almost unable to eat. Even water would puke. I won't believe those months! Then my own sub conscious mind guided. From my own, I told my mother that I fear it's not at all normal and fear evil eye. She shared it with her brother over phone. He talked about it to his same Wali and then sent his driver to acquire the water, etc. The Wali warned that a day more late, the baby would be killed inside the womb! In a day or two, the water arrived. I had been advised to bath for 21 days. The first bath I did. I then sat for lunch. I still wonder that was the day I ate full rice after a full six months! Oh! I then resorted to recitation of the Quran more frequently a day. Sometimes it would be eleven times a day. The delivery and birth too went without any hassle. But soon this time, the baby's food problem started which is continuing till now. We mother daughter have frequent severe fights over her unbelievable way of life without food and water. This morning is another day of my failure. In those first few months, the same Wali reminded that the old devil being was still disturbing her. He asked to give a Sadaqa- a cow. My mother readily agreed. My father too agreed without the slightest noise. Even my siblings had no problem with it. Rather, we were worried for the first child of the house. We didn't want to lose her at any cost. But her father had gone crazy. He was irritated, angry and was telling all he came around that the Wali or pir was fake and lived like Hindu ways! Oh! May Almighty never give such so-called father to any daughter. He was not interested in saving her. Even before she was born his mother and him were warning and determined to give me talak as soon as the baby was born! These warnings and traumas are still continuing.... My parents soon bought a cow worth fifty thousand. It was soon given for sadaqa. I and my daughter are so indebted to my parents in saving the life of my daughter, in providing her everything she needs- house, education, love, security, respect and full acceptance. When we two went for medical tours to Delhi and Hyderabad Abba would insist to show her to doctor for her poor food habits. In Delhi Apollo he accompanied us two. During blood tests he would hold her near his heart! In Hyderabad too, he made me send her to various departments- neurology, hepatology, etc - why doesn't the little girl eat? He would explain to me, "আইজ দিন খাল বালা না. যেচার যেছাতা বেমার ওর. যেছা বয়সো. ওগুরে দেখাইলে". And I obeyed him.... Till now, no serious illness has been detected whether by Silchar doctors or them. Rather the liver surgeon, a North Indian, laughed at me, "You came for this here!" And he laughed. Seeing my insistence he gave tests which came out normal. And on last day he explained that his daughter is like mine who hardly eats unlike his son but they both equally perform well in studies. The neurologist too mocked, "dekhiye na Madam, hum aur aap kha kha ke kya ho gaye!" (hinting my over health) I insisted that, "phir Sir bari kaisi hoyegi!" He laughed more, "ho jayegi Madam, bari ho jayegi.".... Abba had sent my daughter and me to the best doctors of the country for checkups and treatments. I can't separate ourselves from him now or ever! And I don't fear any world in remaining stubborn in this. In our hardest times of rejections, hates, accusations, badmouthing, lies, thefts, greeds, demands, and expulsions from so-called inlaws and her father and his family, we both found only Abba and always Abba! I would like my daughter and her gens shine in lives to continue my father's lineage and only my father's name and fame!!

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3 AM. UM. Sonai. Monday

9 June 2025

In X hospital, a nurse named Y was inserting another usual saline in Abba. It was around 1 or 2 AM in the morning. While she was starting, I saw that the lock of the saline injection was absolutely loose. Each time she triggered it up, it kept on lanking down weakly. Abba was almost senselessly sleeping. I immediately alarmed her that it was old and needed to be changed. But, she said that it was nothing. As soon as she left, in a few minutes or in less than five or seven minutes the entire saline bottle was finished! One of my siblings and I noticed and realised it shockingly. My mother was there too. They told me to go and ask the insane nurse about it and keep the mobile video on. I went to the table which was on the same floor and tried the same. My first stern question was, "How much time should a saline take (for an aged, very ill patient) to finish!" Seeing my scorned face and nature of question, she understood, became nervous and came in Abba's executive room (Abba felt frustrated and irritated in smaller rooms. So, we had selected the large and so-called best room of the floor). In the room too, my voice was serious and worried. And I have always remained more famous for my serious, fiery visage ever since student days. Soon a ruckus started as I complained and charged other nurses. I remember, a fair coloured nurse, who was the floor's head nurse was rather charging me back. I warned them not to send the same nurse again in our room. Amma reminded that at such difficult times when we are at the mercy of doctors and nurses for Abba, we should stop because if they boycott us then Abba will be in more trouble. I shut up. Rather stroked and loved back the nurse requested her "not to mind for any words". That early morning she still kept coming to the room. The next day, Dr. Z came as usual and instead of showing enquiry or apology, rather told my other sibling (who had come with Abba's day's lunch) that how his nurse Y and all the other nurses of the first floor cried whole night because of my fear and warnings. I remember I had warned, "If anything happens to my patient you will see what I do!" The doctor rather jibbed and hinted at us to move to A hospital (which was more costly and perhaps also defamed for such unprofessional services to emergency patients). But my mother's alarm and the entire state of confusion, Abba's weak state had already killed my enquiry point to find if unnecessarily fast injection was detoriating and had detoriated Abba's condition? I still don't know what the effects or consequences of such way of salining could be in the short or long term? If a saline which was supposed to slowly enter the patient in six to eight hours, enters in eight minutes is ok! What numbed and silenced me further was that the family directly or indirectly made me aware that it was my fault alone, that I have been severely bad and the fault was only mine. Later at home in the last month of Abba's life, I came to know from a respected senior colleague that the same hospital had already been charged, involved and in controversy, numerous times, in the past for similar faulty services.

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5.14 AM. UM. Sonai.

Saturday 7 June 2025 

Today is my first bakra id without Abba. It's no day for me. I am not interested in the cow qurbani either. I made my separate id dishes with pulao, chicken khurma, chicken biryani and handesh (rice flour and jaggery mixed fudges). Actually, I am now learning to perform ids. (The last id under my full work has been in covid times in Uttar Krishnapur where the conventional Id food items were fully prepared by me) Amma is still in her silent mode away from any sort of cooking ever since Abba's exit. 

Yesterday, Mangala Di said that for one year the dead frequently come to dreams to people of acquaintances and family. After that it becomes less and rare. The dead also take one year to settle in their new world. Oh! She means I won't hear from people again if, what and how they saw Abba in their dreams? Oh! No, I want to hear. At the same time, he should also settle well in his new world. I really feel like seeing how he is, what he does whole time now? What he eats, walks, talks, smiles,...?

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8.07 AM. UM. Sonai

6th June. Fri 2025

Floods and flash floods are off and on in various pockets of the district, in the two towns and numerous hamlets. This morning, heavy showers have been back after a day's relief.... Its flashing in my mind how years back, when flood has reeled in our this particular house! Abba had sent us to the house in Silchar. It was the pre-mobile times. There was the landlines in both the houses. For one or two days, we remained disconnected with Abba due to poor connections affected by weather. Amma reiterated that we need to keep abreast of Abba's condition. I dialled. He picked from here. It was still the Assamtype abode. The first desperate line he uttered was, "তুমরা আমারে phone খরো না খেনে!" Oh! That line, sound, his desire to hear us was so intense like a helpless, surprised child for the protection of the mother!.... I wonder how he is now without us. I came to know that the dead too miss us! Oh!! He must be missing us! His love and passion for the family was so pure and deep that he must be surely missing it. I wish I unite with him soon so that he doesn't be lonely and miss!

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5.22 AM. UM. Sonai

5th June. Thu

Abba's room is vacant most of the time. I go into more deep depression if I linger there for too long. My heart falls. The eyes burn. I become more aware that he will not come and use this room ever again. I don't like the present pattern of my life. I am not able to stir in it. The awareness and realisation of temporariness of life has now become fully pervasive and spread. I think I can never go back to the previous willing suspension of disbelief.

When I was in MA in AU Silchar I used to share with a school friend what Abba used to say. Or, seeing my swooped face she had asked what happened. I sadly shared how Abba was taking leave from us. He had said he was tired and was advising us to live life. Abba was the college Principal then. There was another time where he had shown some kind of irritation of this daily bazar! Oh, how guilty I had felt then. These were two points of time where I had witnessed his submission and recession from life and until the last few days of his life. Otherwise, he has been severely constant. Today when I regularly do grocery, veg, fish and meat, I realise it is a really tiresome and monotonous task. Abba's absence has also made my food shopping halt every now and then. Going to Sonai's veg or fish markets is still impossible for me as my white car (which all knew as Potol Sir's last new vehicle), and I are too known to all. Getting down in these markets might make me victim of some more unnecessary and fictive gossips. The driver helps in this. I do such shopping only outside Sonai where everyone may not know me. I realise the importance of my father in this way too. Actually, I needed him practically too for my food shopping. For women like my condition, I have money but there's no one to ask to buy the foods for my daughter and me. The fridge remains empty more than half of the time. No Abba, no frequent shopping, no rigorous food stocks. The importance of man in life in a man's world, is so important from these perspectives. My father should had let my daughter and I exit this world before he had!

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7.5 AM. UM. Sonai

4th June 2025. Wed

Flash floods due to incessant rains are on in Cachar district and numerous spots in the entire northeast India. Weather is really becoming different now? Whatever happens now happens at mass level. Covid at mass level. Weather or climate change is not concentrated in just one place. Are these presigns of a irrestible end of the world as warned in holy books! I don't know. But, as practicing Muslim I should not discard it. Atleast think and keep it in mind. And the best ones believe and surrender.... Rains has kept us indoors. Government has notified a continuous four-day long holidays as many students and staff are stranded. But, if Abba was alive and healthy he would have availed the rains too. I remember how worried Amma and I would become waiting for him to come back inside from the gardens and cows! Amidst lightning and heavy showers he could work in his vegetable rows. The thunders would panic us for him. And then would come in atlast with wet body, lungi, without umbrella,.... And would hardly sneeze even. Fevers were too far. As far as I remember, he had fever just once, was in bed for 2-3 days and diarrhoea once and was bedridden for around 4-6 days. A slight residue of his genetic asthma would pop out in winters, that too for just a few days. And the cough would be very gentle unlike my bomblike coughs which always shook the whole house.... Abba destiny was so strong that all throughout life, his health was almost firm and robust.

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10.35 AM. UM. Sonai.

3rd June 2025. Tues.

I never saw without energy until his CLD's last 1-2 months.  Until before that, his vocals was still infused with energy. Although his body had thinned and weakened. I wish I had inherited his vocals and sounds. Amma had shared this anecdote from Abba's ancestral house's stories where I  lived for the first 5-6 years. I think, in the last year in that old house of our grandfather and great-grandfather (Harun Rashid Mazumdar) we all four families nuclearised from one joint family. In the joint days, my third aunt used to act and show to Amma pointing both the brothers and our Daijjee, that Abba was born due to their motherinlaw's positiveness and her husband was born as she was not happy in his birth's time period. She used to try to make Amma laugh while explaining the difference between sons from same mother. Uncle was the Kazi of Sonai. And, again after the Almighty Abba made him. Whole life Abba shared how he made his elder brother the Kazi of Sonai region. According to him, qualified men of Sonai should get this post. His brother had not only passed in second division in Matric but also passed the title of Maulana from Madrassa from Kolkata. In kanakpur village (presently in Silchar) Mr. Alim Uddin Mazumdar was the another contender. He belonged to Amma's mother's paternals. And it was under Abba's intense influence in Guwahati, he failed to grab the Kaziship. This particular incident had made that family and a few of their extended families, extremely toxic towards Abba for years. In marriages, funereals, etc his wife, children and a few others used to avoid my parents as much as possible. It was again Abba who, his whole life kept on pacifying them. I remember in the later years, one of the brothers Mr. Wahi Mazumdar became quite friendly with him and once joked just before Abba's retirement days which Abba shared at home with amusement, "ওহীএ খয়, তুমার Retirement ওর বাদে, অনো যাঙ্গালোর (Peshkar Rd) মুখো দুয়োজন বইমু। আমি জিগাইলাম, 'ইনো বইয়া কিতা খরতে? খয়, "ওত্তো উস্তাদি খরমু, মস্তানি খরমু." And we (Abba, Amma and I) laughed. Wahi Uncle died quite early. While in hospital, Abba and Amma went to see him. "দুআ খরিও," he requested them as they shared. Earlier, years back, when there had taken some mild riots in Silchar in between the Hindus and the Muslims, in the aftermath of the riots when college used to commence again, Bharati Aunty (Mrs. Bharati Dam, Lecturer of Bengali Dptt in Abba's college. She lived in 1st Link Rd) had shared how hindus were only afraid of him and no one else from the Muslims. She had hilariously shared, "ওহী, আই গেছে কইলে ই শেষ!" Those spots of time and life were amusing and shared with each other in love, inclusion and trust.

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6.09 AM. UM. Sonai. Room. 2nd June 2025. Monday.

When Abba was also making the Holy Light English school, we entire family used to walk to the school. The first station of the school was N. G. School's a few rooms lent to Abba. I don't know if any rent was paid. Early staff of the 1980s might know. Then, I was too small to understand money matters. But, I remember we five used to walk to the school. Those days, the pulling rickshaws were most common. Today, they have fully disappeared from Sonai to Silchar Rangirkhari point. I think, we used to walk because money might have been a problem or there were no empty rickshaws that morning point of time. We had no car then. The second hand white ambassador car was yet not bought by Abba. It was actually bought after my both younger siblings got chance and admitted to Silchar Holy Cross. Getting chance in Holy Cross then required strong cosmic lines. I was the last among three to get in 1988, that too after a huge competition for one vacant seat in class three. My registration no was 94/88. It took me years to understand that no. Plus, provisions, wealth, and good chances of life rarely walks parallel in my life, even now. Only truest hard work without hoping anything in result may surprise us, is the only ecstasy point in my life.... When we used to walk to Holy Light, Abba used to shout at the peak of his voice to choose the left side. "No! Left Side!" I remember, at that time, he loved using and mixing English when addressing us. I used to get snobbish and embarrassed when he did so. The journey of Holy light began with the walks, rickshaw rides, Amma's being the teacher, Abba's arranging a drawing competition and another a fancy dress competition in Town Club, Silchar for the school. In the latter I was dressed a flowers-seller. The silk red skirt and the silken white top; a red bindi on forehead put by a Hindu teacher with surname Bhattacharjee, I clearly remember many faces and sounds of the teachers. Ah! Those days! I feel scared to realise the mysterious nature of times! The flowers in my bamboo basket was real requested from another Bhattacharjee family whose pretty daughter Papiya was in Holy Light too. I used to hear that they were from Calcutta. Their house had thick, rows of blooming garden, beautiful, colourful and unique. It was an Assam type house uniquely painted with a rugged denim blue hue and located opposite the earlier goat market ahead the bridge. Papiya's father had his pharmacy named Medicos in Sonai bazar point. I then heard for many years that he and his wife had gone mad amd they were leaving Sonai forevet. Their pharmacy failed terribly. Our driver Shudor Uncle shared that they had become victims of black magic because of another new pharmacy men. Papiya's family house was just not unique but her family too. They spoke সুদ্দ বাংলা only and her father's beauty and modest behaviour made customers flock around his pharmacy only. Many times he lent us flowers for our teachers kn Holy Cross, or for any school function and even for that Town Club's competition. It was actually one day, Abba realised that he or their maid had plucked for us a few dried ones that Abba changed his mind and then his journey of gardening his own flowers took birth. I am still grateful to Papiya's father for giving us flowers whenever we asked for and for inspiring Abba and us for flowers. Papiya's mother used to sing Bengali songs in many programmes in Sonai. Abba used to fund it amusing and shared at home, "তার বাদে, পাপিয়ার মার শুরু ওই গেলো- এক দুই তিন!" And he smiled and made us do so. If they are alive or wherever they are, may they be well. It was fine family. Later on, I saw that Papiya also got a younger sister. I wonder how they both sisters might be looking and talking now. I remember, I used to often walk back home with her, from Holy Light. One day, she requested me to hold her umbrella for a while. So sweetly and gently she had done that and that too used a English word which was totally new to me that the new word and line still flashes, "একটু ধরো, Slight ধরো!" Ah! I think, were were just seven or eight years then. She was a year junior to me.

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9.5 am. UM. Sonai.

Sunday. Room.

Ever since Abba physically my life, this house and this world, I have lost almost all interest in reading articles or watching reels or vids on how to attain long, healthy life. A deep halo or strong myths exist on foods. I have witnessed my father eating baskets of fruits and green leaves. Green leaves and veg have been cooked this way that way. In typically conventionally local style or touches of modernity. He lived for more than seventy years but then people living only on meat or red meat also live that long or even more. In colder countries, where green food stuff is quite rarer or very rare in some, do the humans there never reach seventy! They overreach. This means, food is not the only factor of life or long life. Abba's liver got hard and rubberred. This usually happens to livers which are jostled with heavy drinking. If Abba ate too rich food all throughout, he had equally treated his body with rich intake of unlimited fruits and veggies. Or, while in his rigorous journey of making the college, did eating outside, in the worlds of Guwahati and Shillong started affected his liver? (I remember, there was not a month left, when he did not skip Guwahati for college works and college works!) Then, which overtook which? We don't know. One thing, I want to remind now is that illnesses are Almighty's orders and settings too. Lakhs have been spend in the CLD treatment but nothing could soften the weak and sad liver. Today, when I cleaned his shoes my heart, mind and eyes again went back to distraught state.... I want everything to be same again. He and I. In these rooms. In the verandah. In the frontyard. His sounds and my ears. His movements and my sights!

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26th May 2024

7.39 PM. UM. Room

Extreme dry skin was another constant surface illness faced by Abba. It is the sign and offshoot of liver disease. He used to be happy when we massaged his various cremes or oils. One of the cremes, Venusia is still lying at home which was written by dermatologist in AIG, Hyderabad. Then in the last few months, another surface symptom of the liver failure was the breaking of his veins. Rubbing the drops of a drug used to make them disappear in one or two days. In the last few weeks those marks did not disappear anymore. I took my parents to Hyderabad five times. The fifth visit was completely different. He felt unusually cold in the flight. I don't know how and why I had rolled his large white shawl in my handbag. Inside the flight, he was almost shivering. He asked me to call the flight girl to give him a blanket. She smiled and said that there was no such provision. Then he shared that in their times, flights used to give them blankets too if felt cold. I soon took out his shawl and gave him. It was a temporary relief because I could constantly realise that this never happened in the last four visits. I think we stayed in Hyderabad for just six days or seven. It was the shortest I think. It was completely different because in that last visit he had just one hurry- to come back home as fast as possible, to go back just now! On the sixth day, he had made me completely crazy to do the return ticket. I could not keep the phone down in the hospital premises and in the hotel room! After every fifteen, twenty or thirty minutes he was asking if the tickets are done!! I didn't know then why he was doing that until later I understood that he was somewhere aware of his receeding body and didn't want his last moment in a far away place.... About his food, I don't know why that last time he was not persisting on diet choice and nor was I strict that time. His body responses was so different that last visit that my heart and mouth too did not select any food for him.... The most painful scene was in AIG's ultra of the body! It was over spread with ACs and Abba's shivering was more severe than in the flight. His number became more late because some locals kept on entering in between the serial with the help of staff or doctors. Both of us could easily catch it along with other visitors. It had crossed magrib time. Abba was in wheelchair. I wrapped and covered him in the shawl but it was not working. His shivering was so visible. Amma and my daughter had been sent back to room in the earlier hours. The female staff kept on rebuking me for asking about Abba's number or requesting to give him earlier. Then my waiting turned to anger and rolled my eyes and blurted out, "I will mail this to the Chairman!"(Founder of AIG) And the scene atlast changed. They took Abba in and over-treated him out of fear. Abba too said that what they did was not good at all. Outside in the corridor a lady staff asked me with respect, "Madam, is it okay now?" I kept dead silence because Abba's shivering was so scary and worrysome.... In those days in the room, Abba asked me to buy socks. In a few minutes time I set out with my little daughter to find a proper shop. I enquired in the counter. They guided us with the address of a nearby mall named, 'South India Shopping Mall.' There I bought his socks and also a thin blanket remembering if he needs it again in the plane while going back. In the room, he was really pleased seeing the blanket and immediately used it in bed.... Then in those few days he was supposed to put lens. Eye tests of more than six thousand rupees was done and the surgery time was fixed in the early hours after one day. We four reached in between seven and eight in tje morning. The eye surgeon was a fine Assamese doctor from Guwahati and she has been seeing us all four in the earliar four visits too. Then he changed his mind and again made me really shocked. I was fumbling for words if I should scold him and show my infamous strictness! He asked me to call the doctor and say if the thin layer could only be removed and he doesn't want any artificial lenses to be inserted! I was shocked. I said then why he didn't tell this earlier. He replied, "আমি আগে বুচ্ছিনা". I then asked why he didn't want to insert? He said that, "ইতা আমরার ফারে না" and added citing the example of Amma's a relative that "দেখসোত নানি, মানে ও লইয়া কিলা আসইন,... দাঁত লাগাইছে খরি! আমরার হুনাই ফর্যন্ত মানুয়ে জানোইন যেন অমুকে দাঁত লাগাইছে". We then that convinced me and then I called the dental staff. The young girl was also literary surprised and said that they only do such surgery and other things can be done in any local. I hurriedly kept the mobile down. And we returned back to the room before nine in silence and surprise.... Then came the day before the last exit from Hyderabad. But I kept on obeying him. He had stoned me to dumbness to book the return ticket. Due to internet outage that day (which I later discovered in Hyderabad airport) the tickets were not getting booked. And every few minutes he was asking if it's done. I remember my right hand ached for days because he was not letting me keep the phone down. From the  hospital premises to room to airport- that was the to the point limitation of that last Hyderabad visit. My daughter was so hurt and when she came to know that the tickets are finally locked, she beautifully expressed to her grandmother in utter sadness, "নানু, ইবার খালি hospital ওই রইলাম. মা খৈশলা Snowland লইয়া যাইবা, আর খুনো খানো যাওয়া অইলো না." Amma laughed and immediately let me know it. I tried to see if Abba heard it. I didn't wanted him to realise that unlike other times I could not arrange any touring particularly for my daughter. But, I was very pleased with her patience too as she created no ruckus at all for anything.... And, in the airports whether Hyderabad, Guwahati or Kolkata Abba would give her the fixed one thousand rupees and say, "যাও, মা রে লইয়া কিচ্ছু কিনি লাও!" I would sometimes rebuke him or say it's not needed, but he never took those money back. Kolkata and Hyderabad airports are keeled in my heart now with Abba and Amma's memories. Their two wheelchairs!... The most deep part in AIG with Abba was when I got him admitted for two nights to infuse blood. It took nearly two days because the blood has to run in very slowly because of tje ahe and illness issue. The blood cost was quite high. I think more than thirty thousand. And then they asked me to donate despite payment. I said, "I can give. But I have always been anaemic. So how can it be possible?" Then they said that I should ask my relatives in Hyderabad to come and donate in exchange. I said we have none. He refused to believe and said I must be knowing someone! What a run from one cluster to another and one tower to another! That day I was very, very stressed, uncertain and secretly nervous. But I made it sure that Abba doesn't understand it. Or may be, he was himself too tired to know anything more. I don't know. I then requested another female staff to help me. She understood and convinced me to go ahead, she would call the other cluster. I slept in the large lounge near his large bed. I felt extremely close to him in those forty eight hours. And at the same time I was worried for Amma and my baby girl who were alone in the room. Keeping them alone was a huge risk. Till around two or two thirty AM I kept myself awake. In Abba's room which we shared with another patient with a large screen in between, the treatment by the doctors and staff was extraordinary. There had also come a Muslim local doctor in one of the timely visits. Seeing Abba's name, he started talking to me. And as usual, Abba let him too know that both his daughters are PhDs. And as Abba closer his eyes and was trying to rest, he then turned towards me and said in English, "See, he is forgetting everything but has not forgotten the children, you all and what you did!" I understood the memory issue pinned with liver disease much later.

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10.19 PM. UM. Room. Sunday

Last week, I once again went to Yamin Sir's son's grocery or mini-mall. This time, he was also present along with his boy. As he tried to find out if I lived near the college, I shared Abba's identity and he exclaimed that my father was his "most favourite person" and he was the fourth son of Yamin Sir and the shop belonged to his son who was a staff in the SMC. I realised that like me, he too is suffering from lethologica and so could not recall his son's exact department. Then he continued that his father used to openly say that my father was his 'favourite' "আমার favourite ছেলে ". He kept on regretting Abba's loss and reiterated how many people were indebted to him in the three districts! And in Sonai, and explained that because of Abba's vision on academics a person from every house in Sonai has seen college. I added that there are people from Badarpur too who benefitted from him directly. (N. C. College's one of the Principals whose name I again forgot was also immensely helped in acquiring and confirming his college job. Abba had shared this anecdote quite a few times). Abba's influence in helping in jobs has also been uncountable. I know many of them were told by Abba and confirmed by others. But today I want to say that in my father's quite a long life of 70+ or 80+ or 90+ or 100+ and ill in his last ill months some of them never came to see him for one last time! I wonder how stoned and ungrateful those men & women must be! And I want to thank all those who came. I remember he felt truly happy and despite being completely bed-ridden he could smile, when they tried to ask him, "Sir, আমি... আমারে চিনছৈন নি?"

I remember Yamin Sir he not only loved Abba to the fullest but also loved me a lot in Holy Light School. Abba had made him the Principal of the school. I studied there till class four. It was founded by my parents and in Sonai's first English school. My younger sister and I were the first students. The first batch also consisted of Sonai's OC's daughter. She was a chubby Assamese girl. The first photos of the school will also show Sonai's then SDC's eldest daughter Zarine who was also a very quiet girl like me (then). Today's tongue of mine is sadly quite strawberried. I miss my own past silence and sometimes wish if I had remained in that first phase as my father and many people of my acquaintances loved me tremendously. I also remember that while in Holy Cross my classmates used to shout out my name for becoming class-monitor and then subsequent secret voting would endorse it fully. The reason? I was the quietest girl with some remarkable marks. Abba knew this each instance and these kept us closer and closer beyond death. Apart from my sister, I, our mother, Zeenat Madam of বুয়ালজুর, Sophia Madam of ধনেহোরি, the photos of Holy Light would also show Aminul, Sabul, Sanjay, Prem, Dhananjoy, Korim, Rofique and dear Kalpana who used to love me so much. Except for Kalpana, I had tiffs with all the boys I think. But then we still stayed together. Abba used to regularly praise the life of Aminul's father, who rose to wealth from very modest beginnings. From being a mobile clothier from house to house in his bicycle and he then opened a great and proper shop in Sonai. I remember he also had a small ice cream factory. We nine were the first batch students of Abba's Holy Light. The Hindus were all Manipuris. And the Manipuris (except one or two, who I remember later regretted for momentarily being in Abba's weak anti-lobby) had been extremely lucky for my father! When the three men of paragon quality of Abba- his father, second eldest brother Gulezar Ali and Minister Moinul Hoque Choudhury died one after another and young Abba became completely devoid of backing of any stellar qualified man, it was Lakkhipur's then MLA Shubonkor Babu who became his last Godfather! I grew up hearing his, "শুভঙ্কর বাবু এ কইছইন, খারে ডোরাইতে! বানা College! আমি আছি! আর তান ওউ এক মাতে আর ফিরিয়া ছাইছি না! আর আলতাফ হুসাইন এ অ আর ফারছে না!... শুনাইর সবরে উল্টা করিয়া থইসলো, বুয়া College খৈয়া. বাঙাল ছাত্ররে admission লইতে দিতো না. ওউ আবার Manipuri ওকলে ছাফে admission লইয়া college ছইললো". I could sense that Abba had given teaching jobs to a good number of Manipuris to show his gratitude to the community and also to keep these lucky mascots looped with the college.... I recently came to know from Nirmola Di (শুভঙ্কর বাবুর own niece) that he had studied from BHU, founded Sonai's Govindonogor school and his children are doing well. Abba remained so grateful to him that when Nirmola Di and Mongola Di went to see him in Gracewell in Abba's last few months, he remembered শুভঙ্কর বাবু sadly but beautifully, "খানো গেলা, ইতা শুনার মানুষ." Oh! That one line perfectly defined both the two tigers! As these sounds, scenes and lines flash in my mind, I yearn to see the outstanding MLA and feel like showing my gratefulness for becoming my father's last great mentor. There been men like him, Yamin Sir, Nolini babu Sir and Dr. Ilyas Ali whose fearlessness shaped Abba's courage. I remember Yamin Sir as extremely good looking and always carrying a very happy face. I also remember Nalinibabu Sir. How Abba loved his teachers has been exemplary. He had shared with me that how Yamin Sir and Nalinibabu Sir used to maintain the finance section of the college. He also made Yamin Sir, the GB President of the college. He was inseparable from his teachers.... When I was in MA in our Assam University, our seniormost teacher and a scholar of extreme depth and knowledge, Prof. Dipankar Purkayastha was going to take our batch to an ex-teacher of English of G. C. College. Sorry, I again forgot the name. I came home (then we lived in পেশকারোর জাঙাল ) and informed Abba. He was delighted and said that the veteran teacher was his English teacher too and had motivated him a lot while making the college. Abba gave me some money and said to buy fruits for him and say that he sent him! Ah! How beautiful it was! There in Bilpar when I handed the fruit packet to him and, "বাবা দিয়েছেন."... His lines are unforgettable! He benignly said, "বাবাকে বলবে একদিন আসতে." After these exchanges of love and emotions in between three generations of teacher-students, the most synergetic line was, "এতো বড় লোকের মেয়ে, এতো ছোট কেন?" (Openly hinting at my height) Oh! the room was filled with boisterous laughter from Dipankar Sir and my friends. Although I was quite surprised and embarrassed then, I soon started relishing those three-four punchlines which I do even now. But I also found them rerooting me with my father. And his other line on Abba which unlike the others was sad and slow, "শুনেছি এখন নাকি politics করে."... Well, I want to say that all politicians shouldn't be misunderstood. Like in every department of the country and the world, good and evil persist in parallel lines, so happens in politics. And I realise that the society is extremely intelligent to be able to identify both. Abba remained in Congress from early student days, was Sonai Block Congress Chairman, was in state school board's member (it was at that time he could give schools' teachers' jobs to a good number of people of Sonai, irrespective of gender and religion) when Sonai was under the tutelage of Congress MLA, younger brother of Moinul Hoque Choudhury, etc, etc.... When his student and ex-MLA of Sonai then in BJP Aminul Da showed extreme love and unending respects to Abba, a few hawkish and old enemies of Abba only dreamt of harming him with fake news and nasty memes. I let him know that someone in the Court was trying to taunt me, he explained and slightly shrugged in the most strong yet most normal, "আমি হউ জামানা তাকি পরিমলের (Mr. Parimal Shuklabaidya) লগে ছিন. হি তারার ওতা politics খরতো আমি আমার Congress খরতাম. আমরা একজনে আরেকজনরে canvassing খরতে সময় ফাইতাম, মাতিতাম, গোঁফ খরতাম, তে হি Congress ওই গেসলো নি আর আমি BJP ওই গেসলাম নি?" That one, long line was enough for the understanding that, this short life can be lived with everyone, anyone, anywhere, with patience, acceptance and respect for each other even if our ideals, objectives and leaders are completely different.

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21.5.25 Wed

1.06. College

The Dreams: A few days immediately after 26th December 2024, I saw a very sleek dream of Abba. I am not sure if it was part of my thoughts or a dream from deep sleep. My younger sister saw that he came, kissed her forehead and asked, "খৌ, তুমার লাগি কিতা খরতাম!" Her early morning was bewildering with tears. Abba badly waited for the Science stream of his college to get recognition. He kept on doing everything but the first science batch is still entangled in a confused morass. The day and if first Science batch gets pulled out, I will also feel extremely relieved and free because it has been my father's pending dream and part of a very broad vision.... In Amma's dream, he was dressed in his attire before haj: heavy and handsome in pants and shirts! He came home with large, soundfilled bags of grocery, fish, fat bags of fruits, and others and powered out to her, "ও নেউ, তুমার বাজার!" To my sister's best friend Shaptadeepa Bhattacharjee in Mumbai, he came and gave her bundles of money. She was flabbergasted and extremely delighted and exclaimed, "Uncle এসে আমাকে টাকার bundle দিয়ে গেছে! তোকে দেয় নাই, আমাকে দিয়েছে!" Abba loved our friends like his own children....Mangala Di who has made this college become my parallel home also saw Abba in dream. She is senior faculty in the Manipuri department and shared that Abba is well in her dream. Ali my another Manipuri colleague and an extreme Abba-loyal, shared his dream, "Sir, খুব সুন্দর কাপড় লাগাইয়া আইছে, আমি ছালাম করছে. Sir খুব ভালো আছে!...." When he uttered the line, I broke down in tears before him. My each day's supplication is that my father continues to live the happiest and majestic live even now, and forever and forever. Since dreams are part of our lives and Iman, I realise that although Abba has physically exited this world but he has still remained fully connected to us. He is coming to dreams to too many people. His elder soninlaw saw him too and shared that he was gesturing to say something. My daughter sees him most frequently. In four-five months, she already saw him thrice. In two, she met him as she lived with her. In one, he cut mango and offered her a slice saying, "ধর!" (Taking care of my daughter, growing her up, selecting school for her, buying awesome clothes for her, feeding her food on time, etc had become his most serious and regular duty in his last ten years in parallel with duty & working for Sonai বড় মছিদ)... I am sure I will receive more dreams of him. ... I conjecture his great and egoless pre-death life gave him more access to this life. These dreams are beautifully floating like the attractive foil balloons. Is his present life now in a more free state?

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18.5.25 Sun

UM. Room. 3.51 AM.

I surmise, I was sparked by storylines shared by my mother's youngest brother who too had studied in Holy Cross: how some of his friends' hobbies were collecting coins and currencies of different countries. Woww! I liked it so much and what you deeply want Almighty may lead you there. I don't remember how and from where I started acquiring coins and currencies from different countries. Although it was a very limited collection I could acquire some. But my stamps collection was quite fat. I remember that in Holy Cross I had exchanged one or two extra with a class friend named, perhaps Rumela Banik. I now regret that I didn't save them well. If done so, I could have descended them to my little daughter so that she remains motivated. I remember I used to cut out the images of flags of different countries from a foreign magazines brought by Abba and collect them in a plastic box. And he used to like these miniscule hobbies of mine. These were the habit-spots which kept my father glued towards me, a bit more. He also remained so serious about it that I remember very very clearly that I had told him to ask the same nephew-Imam of বড়ো মোছিদ while the latter was going for his first pilgrimage to Macca. Before departing he had visited us. Abba explained it to him in front of me that how he should collect the coins or currencies of different countries from the people who came from all over the world. I was in a small schoolgirl then and badly waited for it.

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17.5.25 Sat

UM. Study

I think I and my siblings were perhaps in high school or early college when actress MoonMoon Sen had been brought in Sonai by others & Abba to perform theatre or jatra. When he took us three inside her makeshift dressing room, she talked to us in a very sweet & fashionable manner. The police from Silchar who were guarding her rebuked Abba for not bringing the camera and click us with her. While telling our names to her, Abba happliy shared with her, "ওরা কিন্তূ English জানে!". She replied or rather sweetly reiterated in English, "I too know English." She repeated our names each time Abba disclosed our names. I realised that she was also a very well mannered and polished woman. The বড় মসজিদ's Imam who also happened to be Abba's eldest brother's inlaws' family member had come to our house before the show and softly expressed, "মামু, ইতা ফারে না. তুমি মোছিদর খাম কোড্ডায়...." Even my mother was very irritated with it and kept on nagging and stepmothered him about it for many days. The money from the show was to be shared in between the actress and the college and its upcoming science stream. But then Abba shared at home that she refused to do it, in her very polished way. He expressed that that it was zero profit for what he intended the show for. At home he expressed, "এখ টেখা ও দিছে না." However, he too accepted the যাত্রা arrangement's winding up in his hallmarked, fine, polished way. All his windings, exits, and the last point of exit from life have been awesome and deep. And so in this too, he hardly made the minutest public ruckus about her refusal. I also wonder how he risked his masjid fame for the sake of 'his' college. May Almighty forgive us. At the time just before 26th December 2024, when I remained trapped in Delhi Airport and Abba's spooky eldest nephews got the chance to see him on the last day (as they hate me and afraid of my courage for spilling their rotten beans as my band of patience regarding mocking my ill-marital life, broke!) the same Imam and my Amma expressed that the Abba was Almighty's so close that the his nephews could also come near him at the last moment. He shared with Amma, "বুচ্ছনি মামি, মামুরে আল্লায়ে কুনো খানো আর ঠেকাইচইন না". I understood the depth and necessity of the Delhi trap which was necessary for my father and me too. However, I am also silently pleased and gently bring to your realisation that Almighty also made me too goodly that a strong loop had to be instantly created! At the same time I also think that in my subconscious mind I knew my father's last points of life have atlast come. And since later, I won't be able to bear and maybe never able to recover from the slits of trauma of how his last points actually were, I fled! The love was perhaps too much beyond understanding. We remain inseparable beyond deaths... I don't know. I think, all my versions have flicks of truths.

When singer Debojit Saha of Silchar won a national singing competition, Abba knew his paternals and could easily trace and shared that his main house was in Silchar and Sonai. His paternals have a sweetshop in Silchar. I could sense he too was happy that Debojit belonged to the places he belongs to.

When we visited Ajmer, famous cricketer Azharuddin had also come. Amma was on the way to drop the bag of rice in the large ডেগ with us three and Abba too symbolically touching while it is dropped. When the cricketer came people crowded around him. Abba too got excited and briskly walked towards the player. He called me, "আয় আয়!" I left the bag dropping halfway and obeyed Abba rather Amma. I just wanted to obey him. Although we father daughter duo couldn't come in contact with Mr. Azharuddin due to the hyper crowd, but my mother kept on taunting us with anger if dropping the bag in a place like the great Saint's was more important or becoming mad for Azharuddin was more important. We kept quiet. I remember when the player was leaving his traditional, good wife for an actress, Abba's elder sister's granddaughter named সপ্না had come to our house and the talk in every Muslim house was perhaps his marriage! So, she too started the same and realised that I too was aware of it. She was a fine and outspoken woman and exclaimed before Abba, "নানাজি, ওত্তো মুমু মাসি এও জানোইন." Abba was ironing his clothes and smiled. I felt so ashamed that my father came to know that I too kept abreast of such news.... I also remember that when I was in school and the Indian cricket team had come to Silchar DSA, I was fearful to decide if I should go to see. Abba kept on asking if we wanted. I think we were confused and shy too. Atlast, at repeated askings by Amma I expressed timidly, "Hm". Soon, he arranged the tickets with his unusual and unlimited connections with people from any sphere, every sphere. I remember as long as I sat in the stadium with my younger sister, I felt quite scared and was cocooned. It was seas of people. My dearest English teacher in Holy Cross, Mrs. Swapna Rajiv had shared that she saw the live game and saw some of us in the TV and teased my younger sister in their class if we both really sat like that or we pretended to silent down seeing the camera. I came to know of the TV part of the play which had Kapil Dev, Azharuddin, Raju, and others. As soon as Raju came running for the ball towards the net near us, the male public would loudly chorus, "Raju ওঁম দে!" And he would obey and wish them namaste. There was a young, huge, robust and as usual strong & beautiful Punjabi woman sitting near us. She had a few months old baby. And her husband kept on giving her food, item after item! More than cricket she attracted my inner attention more! I kept on wondering, did she come to eat or watch cricket. And I realised why Punjabi men and women automatically become more huge than us- food effect.... When Kapil Dev came near us, Abba's friend's (নাশির Sir) small son who was seated somewhere near us used to run towards the cricketer and call at the voice's peak, "Kapil! Kapil!". He too studied in our school. Next day, when my sister and I went for our Maths tuition to him, we found their house scene a bit solemn. His two daughters gigglingly shared with us that their father had beaten up their brother for calling such an elderly and important person by name. But I remember it very well that the public and even Mr. Dev enjoyed being called like that by kid. Abba only smiled and smiled knowing the tidbits of those two days.

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12.23 PM. English Room, College

Tue. 13.5.25

My room's wall in UM was badly off-arted by my daughter. Actually, children don't bring wrong habits from the sky. They are either deliberately tutored to avenge others. Or, they watch & pick. My baby was the first child in my paternal house. So, she was born and grew amidst core protection and genuine love from my parents and siblings, particularly my father. She had been denied her paternal house forcibly before birth onwards till now (or, off & on) but, what she benefitted from this nasty robbing was she got my paternal house as her true home of strength, rootedness, inheritance and stronger identity of being the first grandchild of a towering gem like my father's! So, I don't regret the previous denial too deeply except the cautiousness of social stigmas. So, I have now claused for half of her father's house's in lieu of his eleven years' desire and demand for another marriage's proposal.... I remember catching him redhanded tutoring the three years old girl how to draw on the wall! It came to me as shock and I instantly apprehended the shrewdness. I pretended silence. And even later failed to change het fingers and crayons. By the time she realised, years of drawing on the three walls of the room had badly jeopardised it for years. Then I bought brushes and paints from a shop in Rangirkhari. I don't know if I lacked in certain technical process, but after when I painted the walls by myself, the room got filled with a permanent stink of extreme and unbearable foulness. I tweeted this to the company headoffice because I feared, the adjacent town's seller won't entertain this smell prob at any cost. The result was instant. In less than twenty four hours, they sent a staff who took the writing down from me, got me talk to a company's person and refunded me instantly. Even they couldn't understand why did the room stink and the tall figured robust man asked, "Madam, আপনাদের ঘরে কি কুকুর আছে?" My sister had come from Nagaland then. Both of us laughed a lot later. I am writing this paint's anecdote because I want to show again how my father used to feel so content hearing or witnessing my English. When he and I were seated in the উঠান, the company staff had arrived. When he made me to talk to his higher officer, I spoke in শুদ্দ বাংলা. With his eyes and finger he signalled, "English এ মাত. English এ মাতছ না." I didn't wanted to. But to make him feel and realise how smart and strong his daughter is! Whenever this উঠান English incident flashes in my mind, I feel happy that I made him happy. Although the paint teacher's initiative was stark and painful, the ending was sweet.

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6.2 PM. UM. Room

Sun. 11.5.25

There is just one photo of Dadaji with hookah in hands, happily elixiric smiling face and the black & white pic had photo studio background. Abba had shared how people or villagers lined to see him when he had passed Matric. Then Abba's ব্যাগেওয়ার sister's second daughter Ana বুজান shared how her Nanaji had gone for hajj via the sea with a large trunk. Trunks were still common during my student days. When I went to Cotton, Abba bought me a trunk too. Almost all the girls in the private hostel in Chandmari and later in SKL had trunks. Then, a helper from the MOBC community named বশিরর মা shared, how Dadaji used to shoo them away from picking his fallen rice grains from the paddy field! They were small girls then. Then the same old woman who and her sister were famed for their great Iman and truthfulness also shared, how Dadaji kept on cleaning the paths and roads of twigs and spikey লেংড়া grasses for the people. Amma then added that he knew that it was in the hadith, so he kept on doing it. Dadaji's beauty petnamed "Ranga". 

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7.32 PM. UM. Room

Sat. 10.5.25

On December 26th 2024, Abba's last day in this world: A distant paternal cousin of the village shared that in N. G. Field's Funereal, lines were drawn with flour. 26 kgs flour lined the rows for the attendees to stand in the janaja namaj! Flour ended. It was time.

How Abba's thinned body lay amidst thousands of men! It was unbelievable. I saw similar pics of another Muslim man's janaja- Late Hajrat Muzahirullah Khan Saab of Rampur, UP. I was amazed at the pics of the crowd! And I saw my father's! Seas of people! Countless heads. Ali, my colleague in Manipuri Dptt consoled me, "Sir, অতি ভালো মানুষ আসলো করিয়া তো চল্লিশ হাজার মানুষ অইছে!" Saab's pics were shown by Amma's relative who had immediately gone to Rampur when Saab died. Amma took me to famed Raja Enterprise's owner's house to know the death details. Saab was in the car gifted by Amma's son.

Saab has been coming to our house ever since I was a child. Annual visit in between January to March. After his death, his nephew and son have been coming. This year, we don't know when they came or if they have stopped coming.Abba's leaving us has changed many events in this house forever. I am not surprised. Abba was the pinning factor.

Saab loved our family the most. Mr. Raja told us that when Saab used to take rest after whole day's visits, invitations or other activities, he would only talk about one family- Principal's family! He was so impressed with us. He was also very pleased that each of us contributed separately. I was having MANF then, during PhD. So, I would try to donate in his female madarssa in Rampur. Plus, our high education was loved by him. I remember he had expressed with happiness, "Ab toh PhD may mil gya!" He was having tea with Abba. When he died, I was then having an Fb friend in Egypt related to my PhD. Her liking a post of Saab's death surprised me. When I asked, she said that she had a friend in Rampur. On cross verifying I pretended and asked her who he was and how he died. He found out thw answer and replied the same as I knew. His son had called my brother and weepingly informed, "Papa ka intekal ho gya!" It was really a sad day for us. He was true Muslim. I also found his vid of London with a famous global Muslim scholar. His humility was stunning and has never shared with us about his various foreign visits. When we visited his house in Rampur and lived for a day or two, we were badly surprised when he (along with his young son) carried the breakfast by himself in our room. I came to know that his mother cried so much when he left her. During our visit, he and his son took us (only women) to meet his mother. As I have always and naturally been a minute observer, I realised how both of them waited near her like helpless beggars for letting us meet her. When we three women met his wife, we were little amused that a Maulana's wife knew so much about diabetes and advised Amma about dos and donts. The next day, we immediately corrected ourselves when her motherinlaw let us know that her paternals were the owners of the largest mango gardens of Rampur. Then, our brother also shared that during his earlier visits, Saab had taken him to his inlaws' house and he witnessed that even the verandah had ACs fitted. When Saab died, she went into deep silence. A few years back, she too died after legs were amputed due to hyper diabetes. I will never forget her 'biryani!' World's best biryani was cooked by Saab's late wife!.... Perhaps Saab's subconscious mind knew that his last visit in our house was his last visit. People with deeper intelligence or deep spirituality have more sensitised subconscious. He had brought gifts for us three- 3 watches. I have still kept it. For Amma, he had always brought Rampuri knives or potlis. Amma used to remain more frequently ill during her youth. She used to become victim of black magic more earlier. Once during illnesses, she gave away her earrings to Saab's wife. Saab laughed a lot. While in school, Amma made me to write a letter to him to pray for my studies and aim. Next time when he came, he asked who was the daughter who had written the letter. Amma pointed at me. He again laughed heavily. I was so embarrassed and realised that numerous thoughts need to be kept too personal.... He was a great soul. Once he collected 80k rupees from Cachar and our neighbouring places. And before leaving he had visited Banskandi's famous seminary and witnessed that there was no food for the students. He gave away that collected sum to them. The news spread instantly. Abba loved and realised his goodness long back and soon changed the bait (spiritual allegiance) to him along with Amma. Amma's entire paternals were his bait and before him, their previous gens was bait to his maternal grandfather Hajrat Wajee Uddin Khan Saab. Abba and Amma were married by Saab's grandfather. My brother has been named by him. I too have the charmed oil of Saab's grandfather shared by Amma's fifth sister. I don't remember him but stories about his spiritual power surprises me; how an air hostess became a Muslim witnessing his stature, light and charismatic personality. Amma's a Hindu friend's marriage was getting late; how she stitched full sleeved blouse but when Amma's second brother took him to her house, which was also in Malugram, she had tried doing full bhakti lying long on floor and he had jumped up exclaiming, "lahou lau lakuat!" Her mother was really sorry over the phone and acknowledged, "খইরুন, আমরা ত জানি না ইরকম ভক্তি দিতে নাই, তাইন বুধয় খারাপ ফাইসোন." Pir Saab loveingly told the brother, "beta tu ussey shadi karle." My uncle laughingly replied, "kya Saab meri badi behen ki friend." And they all laughed. However, she soon got married after Saab supplicated for her marriage. I feel pleased that I too came in contact with this great family. Saab gave his pupilship to his nephew. He is very young, the librarian of Raza Library of Rampur and justifies the Pirship. I am convinced that Saab identified the deep quality of a Wali in his nephew. I remember, the young nephew kept his eyes 200% bowed whenever we three women were around him in Rampur. May Almighty bless him more. I miss Saab. Saab had also taken us to visit his sister's house, who had gifted us bangles. Saab's son had bought towels and extremely tasty bakery biscuits as parting gifts. I am sure they too will all remember my father's boisterousness, love and importance. I would like to remain connected and keep my daughter connected too, by Almighty's kindness.

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6 PM. UM. Room.

Wed. 7.5.25

I also want to become like before, as my father had found me in my student days. Seal the Mouth! While beginning Cotton's journey in Guwahati, in Abba's University friend Ifu Uncle's flat in Digalipukuri, Abba had introduced me to Uncle's wife like this, "যেনকা দেখি পাইসে, তেনোকা ই. আপুনার বেয়া ও নোকবো. আপুনার ভাল ও নোকবো." She was my LG, Dr. Mahfuza Rahman, faculty in Geography in Cotton College. I am still impressed by her. In Cotton hostel, senior girls of her department used to taunt me, "এই hifi টু, তুর কি হয়!" I am still pleased with that taunt. Then my roommate of same department, Karabi ba (Das) of Nagaon used to tell me, "Madam ওর ঈমান ভাল Collection আছে নো হয়, মেখলা চাদরোর!" I felt complimented with the reiteration of that info. When Abba introduced Amma to her, in their small but cosy sitting room separated with a tall, carved wooden, foldable partition, "আপুনার নিছিনা, ইহতোর ও ছা বাগান আছে," Amma rebuked him affront all, "ওউ শুরু ওই গেলো খওয়া! আইইচ্ছা!" Mahfuza Madam's paternals were in Dibrugarh. When their daughter Nazahat came in front of us, Abba looked at her and said, "মুর হরু স্বয়ালি ও এনকা উখো, কিন্তূ ঈমান ধুনীয়া নো হয়!" Abba has been a very clever man. Actually, his younger daughter is still equally photogenic like Ifu Uncle and Mahfuza Madam's daughter. Their son Moksud was also very well disciplined boy. When Abba, বড় মামা and I had gone there another time, মামা was impressed and pleased with his name. He reminded us, "ও আমরার মোকসুস ছাবওর নাম ওর লগে মিলে!" My maternals pirs (spiritual teachers) are still from Rampur, UP. And Hazrat Moksus Saab was the first among them to come to Cachar, brought by Amma's eldest uncle, in his own car, all the way from UP to Malugram, Silchar. Amma always felt proud of her eldest uncle about it and retold it numerous times. And their driver, Raghunath Nandan. I too remember him. Old, bespectacled, thin, ebonied, feeble and completely loyal; and I was a school girl then. Each time he came across Amma, he wished Namaskar with folded hands. And then there was another driver, a Christian. All in Malugram called him Nandy. When Abba greeted him with happiness, he returned the greeting 'Salam' with equal mirth and joy! Oh!! I want to go back to those times where my father's sound was around me everywhere! Life-filled and elixired! He greeted Malugram with the same extravagant and complete inclusion as he did to people here in Sonai. When Amma's eldest two uncle's sons and others wanted to encroach the tea estate, it was Abba's political and police intervention which made them to fail. When Amma third brother share of room in the cluster of shops in Janiganj, Silchar was to be bought by a Hindu, it was Abba only the buyer trusted with the money and papers, not them. I remember, the buyer had come to our house here keeping Abba in between, so that he doesn't get cheated by anybody. Her brother sold it to finance his daughters education.... The image of that beautiful partition in Abba's friend's house remain so clipped in my head that recently in college when I was NCC Girls CTO for two years and received the remuneration; with that money I bought one partition from online. However, it is duplicate and much shorter and defecti. It has been sent from UP. When I was the CTO, Abba used to feel so happy and used to tell people that I was the 'Commander' of NCC in college. I deliberately never corrected him. I let him enjoy of what he imagined or over-imagined.

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6.17 AM. Room. UM

6th May 2025. Tues

The spooky eldest nephew who has been waiting, preparing & unfortunately still waiting only, from decades to inherit Abba's social status has once rebuked Abba here in this house only. I was a direct witness and was surprised to realise the serious underlying problem of caste system among the Muslims of this region too. Caste census is going on in the country right now. That day, he had come with the sole purpose of rebuking and reminding Abba of not make any man from the now MOBC community just sit near him and that too inside the বড় মছিদ premises. He knotted his square face and shouted, "অনো, সবে গুছা কোড্ডা. ওগুরে একেবারে তুমার দারো লইয়া বয়াইছো!" To this, Abba raised and rolled his brows and reminded him back that who he was and a very aged man too. But, the nephew was not convinced and instantly retorted too loudly, "না না, ইতা সবে গুছা খরোইন!" Abba was silenced.

Caste system is perhaps impossible to fully get rid of even with high education, praying five times or a few cross marriages. The blurness will continue to persist for hundreds or may be thousands of years. However, those whose aim is Paradise will distant themselves from the direct effects of world's fake caste system and treat them as only another obstacle to attain Paradise.

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7.32 PM. 5th May 2025. Monday

Room. UM

I can't believe that I am living life without my rock, my father! I feel it again and again that the Almighty has deliberately moved me away and kept me trapped in a far away airport because if I had witnessed his last few hours, my grave would have been ready the next day!

If you look at the photos you will realize that Abba loved to be clicked. Some are selfies. It looks so innocent and childish of him that he used to take selfies in bed or anywhere and with his extremely handsome and timeless smile.

I miss him. I want to go near him as early as possible. My ibada is of under-ordinary state and not janna - qualified either. So, my daughter is the only valid reason of breathing and pretending to live. This was the same reason why I was made to flee away from the exact point of Abba's last points of life. I am amazed at my fate. I am amazed at the Almighty's power.

.... Israel's nonnative flora like 'Australian eucalyptus' are getting burnt in the wildfires. The name 'Eucalyptus' reminds me of the images and fragrance of the same, Abba planted on the banks or ghats of our pond. There were two on both the sides. And, then the acacia! And the bottlebrushes and কৃষ্ণচূড়া, (the latter had been cut down because a famous doctor of Sonai had guided Abba saying, "বৌমার অসুখ বিশুক কমে না. কৃষচূড়া ওটা খাটিয়া ফালাও") near the main gate! Oh!! I miss them. They were extremely beautiful, had grown tall, sturdy and characterised our house. A second paternal aunt used to often say of the one or two spooky fams, "তুমরা নু রাজ বাড়ি বানাই লাইছো! এল্লাগিআ খালি ছিড়." I think, these meteoric trees had made Abba's this house রাজ বাড়ি. Only these green archives with squirts of colours. I wonder from where had Abba brought them! But, these bottlebrushes, acacia, eucalyptus couldn't transcend time. As far as I remember, years of strong storms one after another had uprooted them one by one. Soon, Abba replaced their spaces with দেবদারু, বৌগানভাল্লা, Christmas trees, and others. I still remember the smell of the eucalyptus. We used to love to call it vicks গাছ. Its fragrance was very synonymous with vicks vapour rub.

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10. 53 AM. 4th May 2025. Sunday.

Room. UM.

When I was in Cotton, Amma's eldest brother and his only daughter, who was just four months elder to me, had gone to Guwahati with Abba & me. The car was hired by বড় মামা. In Shillong, it came to our knowledge that there's a strike or band ahead in Guwahati. So, we stranded in Shillong for two days. Mama took us to Police Bazar's famous hotel, 'Center Point'. Mama was a সৌকিন person and spent fairly. The owner or manager was a thin and fair Khasi woman. I still remember her pleasant face. During the daytime, we went for shopping. In a shoe shop, belonging to Bengali, I selected a pair for my younger sister. Abba paid. When the sellers insisted that we buy more, Abba winked them replying in Hindi, "ha, ha, yeah toh Seth ko lekar aye!" I felt so, so amused. Even, Mama was. He turned his face towards me and said, "ছা ছাইন, ছা ছাইন. তর বাফে ইতা কিতা খোরের." Abba was also smiling with his eyes downwards. The shopkeepers were also also amused and smiled. In Guwahati, we had gone to the zoo. A couple or three years back I was told by a maternal first cousin that the zoo had nothing left to show now. Then, I think there were many birds and animals. But, I won't forget the thin, ill-looking caged hyena! It was so foul-smelled that my allergic cough got triggered just at that point of time! And then the mammoth cough again persisted for months. Constant cough for half of the year from early childhood till now, had always kept my constitutional strength feeble and low. Abba always remained worried of it. What not he did to erase it from my fragile throat! From Sonai's 'ফান খারা ডাকতোর' Dr. Nath to Silchar, Guwahati, Chennai, & Delhi, he showed me everywhere. And so again and again it was diagnosed as allergic cough which might had got born from my over eating of tomatoes from the time I was a toddler. This red and round veg became so own that I could eat it raw in toddling days. Amma often recalled how I ran and picked them, even unwashed, from basket. And she would scream that she would first wash and then I might eat. It was when we still lived in our ফুন্না বাড়ি. Then in this house's vegetable gardens, one of the first vegetables which Abba never failed to sow was 'tomatoes' for me! I remember in Madras's Apollo hospital's counter, he had coughed and explained to the lady. Then, she recommended a matron doctor. Dr. Daga, Dr. John, Dr. Sheshadri, a staff Mr. Pasha,.... I still remember their faces and sounds. Mr. Pasha was a Muslim. I was a class 9 student then. We wore skirts and t-shirts. A group of staff showed tremendous love towards me and kept on talking and pampering me. I remember the lady's face among them. But when she saw that Abba was my father, she rolled her eyes and brows till the hills and exclaimed in English, "Your daughter!" She couldn't believe it! Abba was wearing Punjabi-Pyjama. Next day, when I peeped in their room to enquire something, she and het companions ignored completely as if I was a stranger. I remember, I had felt so, so hurt. In the evening, in the lodge, I shared it. Amma laughed, "ফাঞ্জাবি ফায়জামা দেকি লাইছে নু." Abba also smiled. As they took it lightly, I too felt a bit relieved of the pain.

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3.18 PM. 3rd May 2025. Saturday

Room. UM

In Hyderabad, it used to be quite congesting timeline for me as I had to move Abba and Amma from one cluster to another, labs to labs, one storey to another, one doctor to another,.... Both used to be in wheelchairs. My little daughter came of immense help to us. When I used to take one of them, I couldn't leave another alone. So, she did that. But, most of the time she preferred to be with her 'Nana', not only for his unending love and pampering her but for his mobile. And he would always readily give it to her. In college when his staff used to call him (when he was the GB President), she used to cut the line. When he used to go to college, they asked him why his mobile was not available to them, who cut? He used to enjoy that 'cut' gossip and reshare it with us! He loved the way when she or other kids handled phone. He found their digital compatibility amazing and welcome. I often used to mind when her exams were near. Amma and others also agreed and we rebuked him for overgiving the mobile to her. The tussle of mobile with kids and us adults and aged is persisting in every house right now.

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10.12 AM. 2nd May 2025

Room. UM, Sonai Ward:7

It's Panchayat election today. We are exempted because we have come under the town, Ward:7. My name has always remained enrolled in Uttar Mohanpur for any election ever. I am somewhere pleased that these democratic loops of the country deeply calibrated and tunneled me into my father's land, by Almighty's kindness, forever beyond death.

I remember, how hard work Abba & Amma used to do to earn money. The strip of land near the main road is a government prop. Both used to sow potatoes there. A দেশওয়ালি worker used to be there. When potatoes grew, the strip looked so beautiful with their curly, thin, leaves. When the harvesting was done, Abba, Amma and we three also used to do helping our driver Sudarshan Fulmali, whom we dearly called "সুদর Uncle". How happy I used to feel when I pulled out the fresh, fragrant - filled potatoes from the grainy earth. The strip was filled with our threes' giggles! Oh! It was pure happiness, very rare in my life. We were under ten. Uncle filled the bamboo baskets with the new potatoes, sold them in the market and gave the profit to my parents. Uncle played a close role in our lives. He was there with us everyday from early childhood till our university days. His death had deeply hurt my parents, my sister and me. For the entire day, I could not stop my tears. For four or five days, my sister could not eat food at home; she ate outside. She was dead silent for those days. My mother missed him so much that her it affected her health; when she went to Dr. B. P. Nath, he explained, "বৌদি, ইতা খরবা না, নাইলে তার আত্মা এ ফরে আফনার লগ লাইবো." And Abba, when he hurridly reached the hospital and was still in the corridor, the doctor said in English, "He is no more!" Abba later shared with Amma that he went numb for some time. I have unending memories of Uncle. When tution season started, he explained to Amma, "বড় Uncleরে(I) এখ বুড়া মুকা rickshaw আলা ঠিক করি দেওয়া লাগবো Memshab." When Amma shared it with me, we both laughed a lot. He was so worried for me. He used to never call us three by our names. বড় Uncle, ছুটো Uncle (younger sister). After school, we too wanted to eat ফুচকা, chips, icecream, etc. But, we were so afraid to ask Abba for the money. He intervened and explained that, "বাক্কি বাইচ্চআইনতে ওত্তো খাইন." Abba agreed. But, money used to be handed over to him only. He used to buy and keep the eatables ready in the car.... While walling the boundary of this house, Abba had excluded the same strip. When it was being excluded, I asked him the reason. He explained, "ইতা সরকারোর জমিন. তার যেদিন ইচ্ছা হে নিতে ফারবো." It has betelnut plantation there now. My Abba had this extraordinary blend to do any work- handling sophisticated friends or sow & sell potatoes! On 26th December 2024 and later, his relatives kept on telling that he never made them feel that he was the Principal of a College!

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7.27 PM. 30th April 2025

Room. UM, Sonai

I think, the boundary dent between the Sonai Jama Masjid and Sonai Madrassa has also been now solved under Abba's tutelage. From student days onwards, I have witnessed Abba sharing about it at home. Both are places of worship or education.... Abba had shared with me how the Madarssa was also initiated under his father, second eldest brother and a Khan Maulana (I am unable to recall the exact name now). The Maulana was then a man of immense respect. His one of the daughters' son has been given free education by Abba in his college. He then became Judicial Magistrate and always remained indebted to Abba. He used to openly acknowledge that he could walk ahead because Abba forgave his college fees! Those days, education was not free. In a function in ex-MLA & ex-Dy. Speaker's house, both met each other. Abba so pleasingly shared how his ex-student (Magistrate) touched his feet in front of his securities and others. All were surprised.... A few years back, we had been in his house. When my daughter, then just two or three years old was all throughout, being carried by Abba in his arms, the Magistrate softly exclaimed, "তুমি জানো না, তুমি খার খুলো উটিছ." These incidents, dialogues, anecdotes kept on shaping my mind for my father that it is him only who still motivates me like before his physical exit from my life, in the sea of life.

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7.09 PM. 29th April 2025

Room. Uttar Mohanpur

"Mr. Mazumdar, You are a very fine man!" exclaimed the Mizo member of the NAAC team of the first cycle. The other two members were from Hyderabad (a Muslim) and Kolkata (a Bengali). The Mizo member could not eat the spicy food. So, Abba easily managed alternative for him. Plus, he asked him what and how it should be cooked. The member choosed bottle gourd and that it should be only boiled and a slight salt may be sprinkled. Abba made it done in the same manner by one staff in the latter's house, for all the three days of the inspection. How happy Abba was when on the day of leaving that peer member exclaimed it in front of all, "Mr. Mazumdar, You are a very fine man!"

Whether high tasks or minor tidbits like this, Abba was naturally dexterous & imprinting with anything. Not just, he had the gift of the gab but the gift of the brains. Whoever met him, never forgot him! My English teacher (left for her home state Kerala years, years back) in Holy Cross still asked a few months back, how was he! When I was in Cotton's SKL hostel, he once asked me to call all my roommates down, he wants to meet them. He not only mesmerised them but gave them a hundred rupee note each as gift to buy something to eat. Back in the room, Merry Ba (Borgohain) of North Lakhimpur, pouted out her lower lip and said, "এটু দেখুন, দেওতার এক্কু পওয়া নাই!" But, I still relish her line because I was convinced that it was 'my father' was so impressive and touching!

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8.24 PM. 28th April

Room. Uttar Mohanpur

In the cusp of my life with him when I think I was nine or ten and our this house was still bamboo fenced and the gate was in the making, Abba was so excited to name the house. Amma pouted, "অইছে আর খাম নাই!" Abba was trying to recall the name of the hidden abode of James Hilton's Lost Horizon  which I had just finished reading. My heart popped out with, "Shangri La." Abba was so pleased! His eyes lit up! He smiled and said to Amma, "দেখছো নি! তাই জানে." These very petty knowledge-incidents of daily life which he found in me kept on making him very happy with me. And, these humble knowledges kept on making me his favourite child from very, very early childhood. Although, this house was never named so, but that particular incident still sparks and motivates me.

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7.08 AM. 27th April

Room. Uttar Mohanpur

Abba had gone for University excursion to Srinagar, Pahalgaon, Dal Lake, Bombay, Lucknow with his friends. The small sized black and white photos of the excursion are still lying. He has always remembered it and has been telling those rendezvous stories all throughout life. 'Pahalgaon' was most repitive. He sai, "It was so beautiful and perfect that আমরা গাছর ফাত্তা গণিতাম. ও গাছোর ডালো যতটা ফাত্তা রইতো, বাদর ডালো ও অতটা ই ফাত্তা রইতো!" This was description of the beauty of Pahalgaon and Kashmir.... Am I connected to Kashmir! How! Why? From when! Yes, I am! Well from before his marriage took place. The houseboat where they had boarded was won by a couple who had a small daughter. The young owner or his wife used to come to give them the morning tea. The wife's face always remained covered. Their little bambino used to accompany the mother. The daughter was so beautiful that he and his friends kept on adoring her and showed tremendous love towards her. Her name was, "Mumtaz." Abba shared, "অতো সুন্দর চেহারা ওউ বাইচ্চার. আমি কুনোদিন ফাউরিতে ফারছি না." Well, may Almighty bless her. If she's still alive, she must be 12-13 years older than me now.... When in Hyderabad, I took Abba, Amma and my daughter to various tourist spots, Nizam's Palace, Charminar, Macca Masjid, Children's Park opposite the long Hussain Sagar, Birla Planetarium, Begum Bazar, etc (total 5 visits to Hyderabad for his liver treatment). Abba once mistook or forgotten one place for Bada Imambara or Chota Imambara. I think, they are in Lucknow which he had visited during that same university excursion. It was striking me that a severe memory problem had started disrupting his time chronology. I deliberately didn't correct him.... Some places he couldn't come along, he remained in the lodge or hotel, due to fragility or severe oestoporosis. While in Charminar, he remained in the auto. While in Nizam's Palace, he remained near the entrance. And as always part of his great cosmic luck, wherever he went went in the country, he found people of his rapport and love. This time the Security was an Assamese Muslim from Nagaon! When we came back to him, we found him cosy and well seated with the Security who gave him the history of the Palace better than we three could gather despite looming inside. And Abba's Assamese white গামছা with red embroidery was never forsaken by him till last days at home, in the locals or outside state. He also remained too deeply an Assamese till his last days. His love for Gauhati, his Assamese friends, Assamese তাম্বুল, Assamese dance (which Amma said, he could do in youth after marriage, "ময় না জাউ, ময় না জাউ" a song which he sang and did the bihu dance) before close kins and extended family and made them laugh. Wherever he was, that particular physical aura got drawbridged with happiness, positivity, love and inclusion. When in Gauhati University, it was under his financial help and influence that a local Hindu, Assamese boy was made to open a paan shop almost within the premises. Even later when he took me there for various competitive exams, he would find the same person, whom I still remember looked very humble and Abba reiterated the story. His handsome visage would lit up with happiness at the memory of his university days! And the memory of his extremely beautiful face fills me with tears again and again and again and I long to see it once more, another time. Abba's marriage with my mother was in the air when her father was still alive. But due to three heart attacks in a year and sudden death at the mere age of 52, he couldn't witness his daughter's marriage with Abba. Amma's eldest brother was also Abba's very close friend from early times. He was quite determined to get his sister's marriage with his giant friend for which Amma always remained grateful to him. And Nanaji would try to confirm about young Abba from a very close Hindu acquaintance of him, from Sonai who described, "কুনো ছিনতা নাই! Professor!... আর চেহারা? একেবারে কার্তিক!" Later on, Bimol Da's (of our college) wife let me know that Karthik is considered the most good looking of all their gods. I really keep on tallying faces of the present children of ours'. Well, Almighty has been benign with our faces but Abba's greek gene is yet not repeated.

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12.48 PM. 25th April

Department of English

M. C. Das College

Abba was taking care of his cows, Australian breed, huge-bodied but gentle. Then, he was cutting some obsolete plants near his cows' আতাল. Then he cut a upper part of his little finger! We were all at home. Unknown about what was taking place there. Imagine what he did! He took the eon car keys tiptoed and drove to Sonai hospital. There the medics saw, did a temporary bandage and advised to urgently to smc. He did. On the way, he took his sister's son. When he returned home and let us know the little-story, we were baffled, shocked. Even now, when that nipped little finger flashes in my head, I find it unbelievable. I would like my daughter and future gens to learn from Abba's this anecdote of accident. He didn't panic, he didn't share coz we might panic, he drove by himself, he got it bandaged from Sonai and then Silchar and then returned home as if nothing much severe has happened. I could not dare to see it that day. He too was hardly interested to flaunt it before us. Rather he kept on smiling. I wish I had a son like him. But, I am not a woman like his mother. But, I tell me daughter, "You have to become like Nana! You were Nana's most loved and lived with grandchild."

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15th April Tues. My room. 5. 18 AM

Uttar Mohanpur. Sonai

Pic of 1977: Post-marriage of my Parents.

Those bundles of gold worn by my mother (brought from her paternal, ordered and made from Calcutta through the gold merchant Mr. Kali Mohan) all had been almost lost for the then joint family and college purpose long before I was born!! It was again Abba's eldest brother's son (eldest son) who was handed over these golds for selling and using in contracts. It has been never made clear by him what and how he did with the gold. He only shared with my father that the interest became too much to get them back. My one short story in "Qaqa and Other Short Stories" is hinted from this source. I have realised that my mother never recovered from the expected 'trauma' of losing her gold! "আমার শিতাহার ", "আমার বালা", "আমার পাত্রি দেওয়া খানোর দুল," শুনার কালিমোহন এ calcutta তাকি বানাইয়া আনাইয়া দেয়াইসলো!" These lines filled with hurt and pain have always been floating in our family sphere ever since my ears learnt hearing, thinking, understanding, storing.... The sacrifices of my parents for the joint family and the college is beyond imagination.

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5.55 am. 12th April

My room. In bed. Saturday.

These pics are more than enough to prove my father's robust engagement with Congress and politics. With then Union Minister of Steel Lt. Santosh Mohan Dev, Mr. Gulam Nabi Azad, Mr. Rokibul Hussain and Mr. Himanta Biswa Sarma, the present CM.... Going a bit more back, Abba's second eldest brother played a crucial role in selecting the careers for younger brother. As I wrote earlier, handsome knows the handsome. So, he must had realised the similar sparks and sprites in Abba. When Abba had just finished MA and returned home, then Union Minister Lt. Moinul Haque Choudhury had come in our ancestral house in his long car. Our house was his mother's maternal relatives. He came with the sole objective of picking Abba for his Industry in Delhi. My grandmother was elated and extremely happy with the offer. Then the second son intervened, "না, হে হুনাইত College খুলিত আর politics খরতো." I have grown up hearing these anecdotes from Abba, Amma and others. And from there the extraordinary journey began. Sometimes I think I am happy at what his brother choosed for him. Again, I feel my father had always remained hyper works overoccupied with the multi tasks of making the college, other educational institutions and doing rigorous politics. He was President of Sonai bloc Congress. He fought MLA election twice, once as an independent candidate and then from Congress ticket. When not getting votes in both the elections, I realise two things again: the arrogance of his nephews in the Sonai region had filled with rejection and hidden detest for the family. And another was the flow of the winning parties then. An interpolation here during his independent candidature time: there were too many Muslim candidates, Muslim votes got dispersed and too parted. And the Hindus voted for lotus and Mr. Badri Narayan went and exclaimed in BJP office: " ফাকিস্তান তাকি জিতিয়া আইছি."  

... S. M. Dev was a regular visitor in our this present house and our grandfather's ancestral one or, ফুন্না বাড়ি. Amma often shared how he used to call Abba out from outside, "ফটল ও ফটল!" before he became MP & Union Minister. Abba was his main Congress worker from Sonai.... Actually, when one after another stood for MLA post from Congress, they were just using & over using Abba. Until, he decided to fight too. Mr. X was on ticket from the party. He had come here, when we were still living in our Assam type house. I think I was in class VII if not wrong. And as usual, I stalked & eavesdropped my father like the most silent hamletic benign ghost. And Abba had said, না, ইবার আমি ও দাড়াইতাম." The person was shocked. There was rigging. Abba had kicked the school room's door open. Mr. X tried to hide.... Seeing Abba, he was relieved, "ও হ বন্ধু, তুমি নি!" Abba shared this spotlike anecdote with numerous people many many times. It's well printed in my wires. And Abba too lost the elections. Muslims were completely slotted under many Muslim candidates. Abba's another parallel reason, as I reiterate again were his haughty, arrogant and... nephews.

His political life was equally rigorous. And after being under voted in both the elections, he used to get irritated when people came for চান্দা. He used to give the amounts but remind them, "রানার গেছে যাইতায়. জারে MLA মন্ত্রি বানাও, বানাইছ তারার গেছে যাইতায়! আমার ছাকরি ত আমি নিজে বানাইছি! Often, my mother used to rebuke him saying, "You have to give in the Almighty's name. Why talk this much." This was quite regular for years and years. I regret that my deserving father should had been voted to political power atleast once. I wish, his nephews had been sober. I wish the party and political climate had been in his side atleast once. I feel sad, very sad, sad pangs, realising that he this fruit of his work remained unlisted in his golden career scroll. Then, I also think that my father was not a political material. He was too open, too friendly, too close to all. A politician should be onioned and layered with multiple personalities applicable to persons as per requirement. But, he gave the same look, love and reaction to all, irrespective of family and community. He maintained no distance. Or sometimes, our parents or other elders in the family tranafer their pending dreams to younger ones. Here, his second brother perhaps did that. Or, they too wanted to become like Mr. Moinul Hoque Choudhury, the man who inspired and motivated all the Muslim men of the Barak. But, he best led my father! Because, he too made him. Since, handsome knows the handsome, both he and my father's second brother could identify my Abba's above-average qualities!

....When Mr. Pranab Mukherjee had become the President of the country, Abba had shared with me the Quality of Mr. Mukherjee! When the latter had come in Silchar years back in his youth, was full of endless energy and knowledge. It was in the Silchar District Bar Association. Mr. Mukherjee had delivered a non-stop lecture for hours and hours which had amazed all! "বা! ঘন্টার ফর ঘন্টা বেটা এ মাতিয়া গেলো! জ্ঞানোর ভান্ডার!"

.... When Mrs. Sonia Gandhi was to come to Silchar, Abba had taken me alone from home! It was a rainy day, her helicopter couldn't arrive. Mr. Santosh Mohan Dev was trying to introduce her, while waiting for her. His, "তার ফরে কইবায়, রানা বাবু এ কইলা না....কে Sonia Gandhi? বিবাহ সূত্রে এসেছিলেন, এই দেশে,..." these words or lines still linger in my head. Apart from him, Ms. Ambika Soni spoke. ".... হামারে Punjab মে, ইনহে ডিঠ বলতে হে...." Well, I was surprised to see that her skin had sagged and filled with small warts. In TV, she looked perfect. But, her beauty was striking despite old age and her voice firm and strong.... While walking towards the sitting chairs with Abba, I remember, a young raw boy was mocking me towards his companions, "Sonia দেখাত নি." Then, the next taunt was from the now ex-MLA and ex-Minister, Mr Misbaul Laskar, while heading towards the chairs, "তাই ও আইছে!" It was evident from his face that he was irritated.... These comments still make me think that, political sphere is not aright for women except for those who can handle. It angers men or makes them mock, except exceptions.... It's the same everywhere. At homes- paternal or marital; workplaces, etc. Is woman perhaps the male-stubb that the Almighty created, I don't know. I found her in problem everywhere for being woman...except in prayers.

.... In our Assam University's, First Convocation too, it was I from us three siblings, whom Abba had taken me along. I remember I was over decked. It was fully electric blue suit bought from Nazirpatty's Amit & Co, (whose Marwari owner had studied with Abba, in GC College. When there was a case of a Bengali staff boy involved with the Marwari owner's daughter, the father hit the young boy quite hard that he died instantly. After that, riots broke out in Silchar city in between the Bengali Hindus and the Marwaris. In the meantime, the Muslims taking advantage of the chaos started looting the Marwari shops. I remember very well, when we went to the city after these violence, there were many Marwari shops in charred or semi-charred state or in utter broken states. The violence had taken place in the fasting month. At that time, in Abba's friend's shop, seeing Abba and us, Uncle came towards us. Abba joked, "খেমন ডরাই লায়? And smiled. "আইচ্ছা, কউ চাইন, রুজা মাসর দিন ওতা করা অইছে নি?" Abba then agreed, "Hm. Hm. ওয়. ভুল খাম অইছে. দূষিরে ধরতায়!" At that time, the father of the girl had already escaped away to his homeland, Rajasthan. The violence soon came to an end.) during Eid. I regretted that I should have dressed a bit more modestly as it was an academic place; plus, when Abba kept on introducing me with men, I felt bit disturbed as I realised they too found me over-coloured. Another thing, when we were entering the decked shed, a female student came running towards us to see our entry permits. Very modestly, Abba showed the permits and explained that I was his daughter. I think the young girl in sari saw but her face remained knotted. I realised it was due to me she came running or her friends sent her towards us.... So you see, I was my father's natural selection whenever there was special occasions like this. So you see, whose heart has been scarred badly and is eagerly waiting to be with him again forever and ever.

.... When around a two or three lakhs was given by S. M. Dev from the Congress for the MLA elections, I remember, Mr. Dev had told Abba to keep one lakh for himself. But in elections then, even if you spend from your own pocket it's not enough. Then there was the meeting of the candidates with the then CM who had warned all of them, "Never trust anyone fully except your wife!" I like the way he laid the importance and requirement of a woman and wife in a man's or husband's life. However, spouse-relation dimensions are fast changing now, here and everywhere.....Then the sudden death of the CM was a bad sign for the party too. I remember, in a marriage party amidst that election, I was with my parents. On the eating site, a young man hinted to my mother, "আফনারার luck ও খারাপ. আফনারার main, নেতা ও মারা গেলা." There was then also the wave of the AGP and then soon it won, including Sonai constituency. Well, except Moinul Hoque Choudhury's younger brother's time as MLA (where he had made Abba the member in the state board of education or teachers and through Abba, unlimited men and women from Sonai got jobs as school teachers, irrespective of religion! Apart from school jobs, Abba is famed here for giving the maximum number of jobs to men and women in Sonai and beyond through his influence, power and charisma! Just a year or two back when Amma and I went to Suma Nursery, Saidpur, the young owner exclaimed, "যত মানসরে ছাকরি দিসোইন তাইন!"); থেকে second MLA from whom Sonai benefitted was Mr. Aminul Hoque Laskar. Abba & I usee to often discuss it. I had once reminded Abba, "Abba, শুনাইর লাগি খামোর লাখান খাম, এক তুমি খরশলাই আর এক আমিনুল দা এ!" Abba agreed. And then he used to soon discuss this with his friends over phone. Once, he repeated the same to Zia Uncle (Mr. Zia Uddin Choudhury of Bhaga), "তুমি ছাইয়া আর মিলাইয়া দেখো. আমি বাদে শুধু হে (Mr. Aminul) Sonai র লাগি খাম করছে." Abba and I regretted that he was ousted the second time. Dynamic working men and women should be given ample time to evolve constituencies and institutions to next phases. But unfortunately jealousy, selfishness and hate overtakes our larger motives and good dreams. Only true strong public people can do striking works on time. And, such strong personalities like my father, et al may also have a few notorious set of axers.

... Today, I regret one more proposal. After my MA, Abba had eagerly proposed to me, "চল, তরে লইয়া Women's College এখান খরি." I immediately rebuked him back, "আর খাম ফাইলাই নানি! এক college খরিয়া কত কথা কতর! আর বাদ দেও. আর নিজরে দুখ দিও না!" This topic was not started again. I regret today. I should had started that struggle too. My Abba has very, very strong destiny. He would have obtained success in that too.

My younger sister had once joked about him to make me understand about how was Abba’s destiny, “আব্বারে আপামনি, তুইন plane এখান দিয়া খো ওখান ছালাইতা. যেছা খোলে, জেরেঙ জেরেঙ খরিয়া airport ও আনিয়া আজাইবা ও আজাইবা!”

....

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11th April 2025 Friday

10. 55 AM. My room

Since my online Refresher is going on, I am at home after putting my daughter in school. I wore my father's shirt over my clothes and my heart tore again and again. Wearing his shirt I did some gardening early morning. He had a tremendous green thumb. Inspired by PM Indira Gandhi's residence, he never looked back. People call our this house as farm house. I was shy to garden when he was there. Now, I am trying to be consistent. Plus, I can't see his gardens go dry and destroyed. So, I try to take up the small কাছি, a small scissor, and the butter knife each day. Growing plants, propagating, watering, setting, resetting, pruning, planting, etc are together very tiresome. I wonder how Abba did these whole life in multiple locations. His ancestral house's maximum fruits and plants are his plantation only. Almost each old tree or plant in the college is his own hands' diggings. His nephews used to tell about him, "চাজানে ফাও দিয়া ওতা খরি রইলে ও ওই যায়". In fact, our house is filled with over propagation. Even in the last months before the falls, he kept on guiding the daily workers. In those months, he couldn't walk without sticks. And he used two sticks to walk and lead! Oh! I realise now how painful he must had felt! How he overused his body! Rest was rare to him even in his extremest ailing months. Being mentally extremely too good, he kept moving and going.

... As I took a tour of the full boundary along with my ten years daughter. 16.7.83 is written on the pucca seat, stepping down to the pond. That is 16th July 1983. I think I was 5 years then when the work for this house started. When my mother's life was made hellish by two spooky sisters in law and some of their children. But like all good husbands, Abba agreed to give her and us a separate abode. And then, whole life he kept on grooming it. And a year back he had told me, "দেখবাই আটিয়া আটিয়া, বাফে কততা খরিয়া থইসি, আর কান্দিবায়, বুজবায়." He knew his days were dividing. He was getting ready from the last couple of years. And he has been right. As I walked till the last point, near the pond, my heart ached. I cried. I understand that he still left me under a protection which no other man in earth could give me. 

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10th April 2025

Thursday. My room. 4.10 am

I don't know what will happen to these writings about my father which I am doing from 2012. My procrastination and poor confidence have kept these hidden from years. Even Abba didn't know. May Almighty make my daughter take care of these pennings. May she develop her depth to great levels. She has been Abba's last love. She had become her last motivation, his main focus and cause of busyness in his last ten years. He used to say, "যাসনা, আমি, আমরা আছি ত," when I thought of practicing law. Those words fixed my heart for some months and go to Silchar Court. He was a very practical man. On the point of leaving, my tiny daughter used to desperately search me for stopping me from going anywhere. I used to hide behind any door until she disappears to another room and I slipped out. Abba was so practical about working women that he had once said then, "হিকিত ত!" Means, the child should learn that the mother has to go out. However, with time or within a year or little more I realised that my daughter needs me and I too need her more. I stopped. Amma was also very angry and emotional that she's unable to bear the tantrums of my child in old age in my absence. Amma's quivering made me stop instantl. Even after my job in Abba's college became permanent, my daughter remains my center of work. I try to learn parenthood from Abba. How he used to iron my skirt and shirt until perfection and polish school shoes until they sparkle. And cut fruits for tiffin. Even while in university, he used to cut fruits for tiffin. How he sliced and cubed water melon. The juice of the sweet fruit got filled with his love, benign looks and warmth of his palms. I still feel, remember and realise. Although I am a very bad parent regarding hitting my little girl sometimes and bad mouthing too, I am still a raw parent. Effects of single parenthood has harmed my daughter and me too. But, whatever I am successful in doing so for her till now, I have been imitating Abba only. Then, he used to drive my daughter from school in her nursery days. For almost a year he did it quite often whenever I became late from court. I used to call him and he readily agreed. Once, another parent, Azad bhai of APJ Abdul Kalam Science HS School, Sonai shared with me how he saw my Abba driving with one hand and stroking my daughter's head with love by another. "Sir এ দেখছি, এক হাতে গাড়ি চালাইতরা, আর এক হাতে তাইর মাতাত আতাইআ দিতরা." 

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11.42 AM. 9th April 2025 Wednesday

Sonai

Will you believe dear readers that this bouquet is my only birthday gift given by my father! I think two years back. My daughter said to him, "নানা, আছকে মার birthday." In the evening, he came home with this! I felt so shy! Even now, I am feeling. There's no birthday celeb culture in our house. It's quite rare. In my student days, I used to give treat to friends in restaurants, that too under compulsion or to maintain the serial of the group.... I don't know what and why my father suddenly bought that bouquet from Sonai bazar. May be he wanted to give the best time to me! He knew his time was less so he used to show obervant hurry over many tasks and new tasks. He knew I had none except him.

..... His last ten years' regular task was his complete care & grooming my daughter and his infallible duty towards Sonai বড় মছিদ / Sonai Jama Masjid! Amma's maternal uncle who was head Postmaster of Sonai head PO in our Sonai bazar had once shared with his neice, "আমি তাজজুব অইছি আর অতো সরম লাখছে দেখিয়া জেন দামান্দ বেটায় ও মছিদর নামে গামছাত দরছইন আর জুরে জুরে ফইসা দান খরবার লাগি খুজিতরা! 'জেতা ফারো দাও, যত ফারো দেও' আর মানষে ত দিতরা. আমি বাদে লুকাই গেছি. দামান্দ বেটারে আর দেখা দিছি না." I am appalled to know his this level of humility. I am sure, dearest reader! You too will be! It brings water to my eyes again and again to realise what and how he was! Whenever Abba went to collect funds for the masjid, it would be always more and in multiplied amounts! This is known to all. People trusted him. People won't doubt him. People loved him. He had started this present foundation with mere eighteen thousand rupees and the mosque project was in crores when he left. He used to tell Amma, "মোছিদো গেলে, বইলে শান্তি ফাই." So, the place of the Almighty was of that importance and heart-close to him.

Once, when I shared with him that I have submitted an application in bank for crediting no interest in my account, he rebuked me and reminded, "মানষে interest ওর টেকা মোছিদো দেইন আর ই টেকা দিয়া আমরা গরিব ওকলোর লাগি Eid ও packet বানাই, থুড়া আটা, তেল,... থাকে. খেনে আবার ই টেকা বেক্কার যাইতো, গরিবেরে ত দিতে ফারি." After that, I make sure any interest credited to me from anywhere is got by the real needy.... I wish and pray that the masjid completes the remaining tasks as early as possible and becomes a place of love, forgiveness, unity, peace and beauty.

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4th April 2025 Friday

5.01 AM. My room

Now, I am realising why Abba came to my daughter's dream multiple times and once in her father's dream. My daughter once saw him weeping.... At any costs you can't deny the role of dream/s! In my religion, dreams are a vital part of Iman. If we disbelieve dreams as nothing at all, we can't be Muslims. The dreams of the Prophets created them, made them the Prophets! At present, so many people around us must be sharing their dreams or we ourselves experience, "dreams of alarm" before any mishap; "fruitful and happy dreams" before any good or great news; "dreams of necessary info"; etc.... After Abba's passing away, I realised and believe the dream I saw! Each time that dream flashes in my mind, I get surprised at the power of dreams! The dream was: "My younger sister and I were eating in a food stall. The large and long stall was probably in a fair or মেলা. We suddenly saw the present Principal of Abba's college passing by. We requested him very hard to join us both for food. We three were standing. What we ate was not clear. Conversation was absent too. The alarming, disturbing and stressful part of that ordinary dream was when I was going to pay the money, I found none! None at all! I frenzily rummaged my blue purse! UPI accounts! Lo! None! There was no money at all to pay. I didnt find anything at all! Even though my sister too tried to pay something but she too couldn't. Principal Sir smiled at us both." And the dream ended there. At that time I was confused. What was that. It kept on recurring. I shared it with none. Being in the old habit of thinking and thinking and pretending stability always and not easily sharing my life and thoughts with anybody near or far, I kept the dream with myself. After around a month of that dream Abba left. And I never found him again. I now wish I had given some কাফ্ফারা intending the compensation of any upcoming hard times. But that idea too never occurred. That part of the brain was completely blocked.... Dreams, whatever, however should not be ignored. They are the deepest science beyond our step-wise understanding. When we see it, we better instantly give away the কাফ্ফারা if that idea or act spots on in your lucky life-spree!.... You can imagine my father's amazing and inexplicable love for me! Even after exiting from this world he is worried that I am alone and alone forever. Without him, I had none. Without him now, I have none.... At present in my innocent daughter's admission process, I am finding it so hard. We both have none near us.

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8.45 AM. April 3rd 2025

My room

If Abba was there, I would have been purely relaxed for my daughter. When there was the day of delivering her in Greenview Nursing Home in 2014, Abba took me. He was seated in the back seat with me in Eon. I was shy and stressed. And then Abba was there with the full fifty thousand cash for the c-section. Later, he also kept on paying for all bills. Thousands and thousands and thousands have been paid by him sixty percent of the time for my daughter's pediasure, doctor fees, meds, tests, vaccines, in Sonai, Silchar, Delhi and Hyderabad. Remaining forty percent was done by me through my online reselling clothes etc business, import biz from China via Ali Express app, online salary from AAS vidyalaya Mumbai, and from salary from part-time college from his college. He gave us this room and houses to live in. When my daughter and I were thrown out of her paternal house multiple times. (That house has spread my heart, head, eyes and mind with traumas and dirty memories! I am deeply ill and hurt from within. I will NEVER heal from them). Abba became the protective and over-protective layer for both of us. I remained sane because of him and consistent prayers. I remember during NRC 's processings he had expressed with exclaim! "IF YOU ASK TO BRING TIGER'S MILK FOR YOU, I WILL BRING!" "বাঘর দুধ খইলে ও আনিয়া দিমু!" If some men tried to finish me, the one man, my father saved me from crushing. This rhetorical moment was witnessed by his eldest nephew from his third eldest Kazi brother who did all the processing of my and my daughter's NRC. Our NRC documents were thrown in the dustbin by another man in this house over a tiff with me. That was another point of shattering. But I am still alive. And dear reader, you might agree, that was how I became a very strong woman and with the sole help of my father. As days are passing and as I have no second person to share my difficult times, I am becoming more and more aware of how my father was only my requirement. My daughter's requirement. And, in the new life we are again becoming stong, stronger. But, the process of this process makes your heart and mind within more and more soft and extremely fragile.... I want to free myself. But, society's stigma, taunts, scowls, shamings and unnecessary technical points for my daughter has still pinned us both. My favourite, expired paternal cousin from Banskandi had stressed, "I know you are equal to ten fathers but you should continue the marriage!"

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April 2nd 2025 Wednesday

7.13 AM. Room.

If Abba was there, he would have snorted at me, "I will give!" And then in a day or two, he would have taken out cash bundle for my daughter or would have handed out his ATM card saying, "Take this and use how much she needs!" He had shifted us to Silchar Holy Cross then in the 80s so that a more competent academic environment would be there for his three children. I remember he bought a second-hand white ambassador car and then another second-hand bottle green Maruti 800 from Amma's maternal second cousin from Aizawl. These two cars gave Abba & us tough times. Both had to be admitted to garages every now and then. He himself had a scooter for a few years. But due to some prostrate gland issue, he sold it soon. It was then he bought a black Santro which his son sold after his marriage. I remember both Abba & Amma were deeply hurt, surprised and silenced. Amma shared with me, "মুখোর কথা খইলো না! একটাকা আতো দিলো না. ই Santro ত আমার ও এক লাখ আসলো." This observation and realisation remained with me deep within that when I sold the dowry's Eon via Olx to a customer from Lala, keeping just ten thousand rupees I gave him all the remaining cash.... Before the two dowry Eons, he had also bought two more Maruti Alto VX. One got stolen in 2007 from under our house in Peshkar Jangal. But, Abba's fear could not make the thieves cross it to the Myanmar border. We heard it had to be buried. No news of it got traced. The police were in severe vigil. At that time, the house was not yet walled. Later, my younger sister came to know from her PhD colleagues that a damn strong vehicle thieves and drug peddler group operated from Kanakpur.... All for the sake of our studies or comfort or dowry pressure. The academic reason also inspired me to buy a KIA sonet car for Mariam, my weakening health and for social reasons. Sophisticated visages or curiosity for women or daughters of a famed man like my father, in small places like Sonai, etc, pull men's gazes! And this is not ignorable for a longer time.... Admitting my daughter in DPS would have solved some ifs and buts like CBSE board and competent environment. The latter gets automatically created when max students in such schools are children of highly educated parents or sophisticated families of the city. But, deep in my heart I always remember, realise, amaze and respect the exceptions in ordinary schools and places.... KV NIT has no vacancy. If Abba was there, his influence and high connections would have got her admitted. Or, Abba's visit & way of talks with the Principal would have mesmerized them to let us in. I remember after 9/11, many schools in our Silchar refused to admit Muslim children. Amma's fifth sister's two daughters faced the same in Silchar Collegiate School. Abba went for them. They got. When he came shared, "ফইলা এক ঘন্টা ত মাতিলো ই না! (The school Principal) তার বাদে মাতাই লইওয়াইলাম. এখান-দুকান. খালি মাতা লড়ায়. বাদে রাজি ওইলো." So, in those stiff times he could do it. Maybe, now too it would have been easier too. Anything for him was easy to do!.... The only contemplation I have of KV is their long morning chantings as shared by a Muslim mother in my daughter's first school.... Oh! That place! It was Abba's selection. I was not acquainted with such a new CBSE school in Silchar. Abba's spooky nephews shared and convinced him. He said, "জে বালা school খুলিছে." I silently obeyed. Most of the time I too surrendered and got mesmerised witnessing the way he thumped anything with such confidence. Plus, I respected and still respect his sea of experience and wisdom. He had told me once, "আমি জীবনো অতো মানুষর লগে মাতিছি আর দেখছি জেন এক minute আর দুই minute কেউওর লগে মাতিয়া বুজি লাইতে ফারি, তার quality কিতা আর কিতা, কতখান খরতে ফারবো!" I completely know he has been right. Even now, I am witnessing whatever and however he told about numerous men and women.... I then wanted move to my daughter's school in my separate car or any reserved daily auto. Again, he said that there has been a school vehicle arranged and many students from Sonai will be going. We too will go by that. I again obeyed although deep within my subconscious was not really ready for that school or van. And life in both proved that I too could be right sometimes. My daughter and I became constant victim of bullying, exclusion and open hate and disrespect by that same spooky family! Nursery C was going quite well until a girl named Prantika told all the other girls, "ওর সাথে কথা বলবে না. ও Muslim!" Oh! It was like a spear hit in my heart. Another added trauma. I shared it with none at home or the Principal. My daughter was just three years old then. In the next year, I wrote an application and requested to be shifted to section A where there were four-five Muslim girls. That was another trauma for my innocent daughter and ill lucked me! She became a victim of loneliness and sadness. And her pains still linger in my mind. This continued till class 4. In 4, something more dangerous took place. A girl named Meghna attacked my daughter for bringing eggs in tiffin. She used to say, "তুমাকে আমার ঘেন্না করে. তুমি tiffin এ শুধু ডিম আনো!" This girl's family was absent for a month. Their own community didn't give her the notes until I. Her mother used to wait for me to write the applications. Once, we were absent. Meghna's mother called and made me write through WhatsApp. But, as a result we received hate and exclusion. When I went to ask the girl about it and she denied, I rebuked her for being so rude to my daughter. Then, the Maths teacher attacked my daughter in class taking Meghna's side without knowing the tiffin issue. When I WhatsApped to the Director he hardly bothered or queried. And the Maths teacher made my daughter a constant victim. I realised we got trapped in a mental whirlpool. And have to be out. At the same time, the van-bully was on. So, I rebuked Abba's eldest brother's grandsons if "তুমরার ইতা genetic নি?" This shocked them. Soon, we changed the van to my own Eon car and then left that school too. At that time, due to the weakening body, Abba went out less during the days and drove the same Eon mainly to Sonai Jama Masjid or while visiting his acquaintances or other special tasks.... I wish I had shared these each detail with Abba! However, once he had lightly asked those spooky boys, "হই, তুমরা আমার নাতিন ইগুর লগে Van ও খালি লাগা লাগি করো খেনে?" To this, they alleged each other, "আমি না হে. আমি না হে." But the point to be noted here is that they could not deny it.... Then last year I moved her to Mount Carmel. It was nearer. The jam was missing. The teachers were really good, hardly wrote incorrect English (unlike that first school), 100% English speaking environment(unlike the previous one) was there & Principal was Keralite(Keralites and Biharis know to run schools more well. Some useful qualities of every community). 

My daughter performed best in this school. She was in a relaxed mood. The teachers loved and took care of her. And so she did better in class 5. I wish Abba was here to see that she secured 99 in three subjects. He would have gone crazy out of happiness. I remember when I was in class 4 in Holy Cross and got 99 in GK, he turned back the immediate parents behind us two and delightfully beamed, "Apka baccha ko kitna mila? Meri beti ko 99 mila!" The mother put her eyes down with a sheepish smile. And when I got admission in Holy Cross in class 3 for just one vacant seat, competing in a written exam with more than fifty or sixty students; only my name was written on the black board kept under the sun, in white chalk, oh!! If you had seen his madness! He caught hold of as many parent as much, showed them the board, "my daughter! My daughter's name! My daughter got!" 94/88 was my school registration. Those moments with Abba created by him & I together still inspire and motivate me! And that was a very major reason why and how I became his favourite child!!...

Lo! Things changed again when their too short lease ended and the land owner changed his mind to discontinue with the school, the Principal left for his home state, and now the new government Circular for students and schools without PEN or UDISE have brought me into tears from last night! A school teacher has advised me not to take risks and better exit. Oh! Both my daughter and I didn't sleep until 1 AM.... I wish Abba was there. He would have set all aright. And I would have obeyed. My daughter's education has been of such concern for him.

The pain and trauma that I am going through for her admission, completely all alone, you would be shocked if you seen my internal dangerous thoughts for her & me! I wish my father was alive for her only! Only for her. 

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1st April 2025, Tues

4.18 AM. My room

How the physiotherapist (Assamese Muslim) came & did the exercises and technical appliances on Abba! Then I too tried when he did not come or on his alternate days or when he had to be stopped. Physiotherapy is costly for the middle class or upper middle class like us.... But even if we could cover the fee what benefit did it do to Abba! Nothing. As per the physiotherapist, we are not consistent. Winter was completely jumped over by both Abba & Amma because of the rolling up of sleeves or pyjamas or tucking lungi or sari a bit higher near the knees was unbearable. Plus, the doctor regularly complained that Muslims are like that. They don't take health seriously. Maybe he has been right. He finds most of his Muslim patients of the same nature. Either, they ignore due to winter, or give him alternate days or don't want to spend cronies in health. But, he forgot that unlike others, Muslims are able to remember the death and temporariness of life a bit more frequently too.

... How I used to hold Abba's hands, make him stand and sit, counting till 10. It was then increased to 12, 15 & even 20. To increase his mobility of waist and limbs. Then we were tutored the exercise of increasing the mobility of his shoulders- make him hold the ropes from three directions and again count.

He did for doing's sake. His eyes while doing those exercises are flashing now in my mind. They were fragile and often looked disconnected. As if, he too knew that these were the last some attempts. Oh! I wish I could go back then and made him do the exercises more well. My weak nerves and bones always have a severe impact on my day to day life and tasks. Even if it was the rewind now, my poor weak health would have made no better to my Abba. Strong physical constitution is so necessary for oneself and for the people you love. But, even here the Almighty is only powerful. Despite taking daily nerve tablet of 5000 mcg methyl colabin on some days it won't work. I would not be able to get up from bed or just move like a jumbled muscle lot with no real spine or moving blood.... Will anyone believe that I shared this with so many doctors and even the super ones in AIG Hyderabad that how weak I always feel despite eating everything on earth (except wine & pork). One could just explain back that it was because the body could not absorb what I ate. I was pleased with her explanation but no alternative was prescribed. So, I started searching and researching myself. As much as I could. In the net, in YT, etc. But, even there I hardly found anything striking. Until in a comment where the middle aged woman states that how shes not able to get up from the bed or couch and a younger boy says the dose: "Just take 5000mcg of methyl colabin daily." I did that! Imagine from a YT video comment. And lo! By Almighty's grace it worked. Now, I can get up from bed from thoughts to tasks a bit more better way because of those tablets except exceptions if I am shocked by some family or workplace shocks. Then, the tablet also doesn't work....

In AIG, how Abba was smitten by one young neurologist named Dr. Sai Deepak Yarangula! "I have never seen such a serious doctor in life," he confirmed. Even in later visits when he had gone for US (as shared by the diabetologist Dr. Nitin Reddy. Another fine doctor who seeing my worries for diabetes anytime gave me some meds saying that "You wont get diabetes ever." Well, maybe. I don't know.... Plus, my daughter was delighted by him because he too was a leftie like her which she remembers even now.... Then, he was the only doctor from our dozen doctor visits who was always available in WhatsApp and agreed to paid-video calls too with both Abba & Amma. I was pleased with his flexibility.... Abba used to say about him, "A fine boy!" Dr. Nitin was so gentle, naturally well-mannered and talked with such closeness) and later changed to some other private hospital, probably. I then googled his academic background and found it amazing too. He and Dr. Nitin are unforgettable to me because Abba was completely impressed by the former and too pleased by the latter. And my Abba's assessments about human beings are so close to perfection. About me, about others.

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31st March 2025. Id-Ul-Fitr

Sonai. 8.14 AM

An ID without my father! Wherever I am rewinding and scrolling back Abba's expiry messages in WhatsApp, etc, my heart and eyes are let loose with tears and tears! I wish Abba, I had left with you at the same point of time!

How Abba used to dress up on Ids! Sparkling white clothes had been his hallmark. Shoes and unpolished was unimaginable from him! His sense of dressing, attar, powder in summers, 'tip-top' echoed his successful life! Being a very constant observant of his life, I realised that successful men's dressing and cleanliness was of different level. Complementary! I remember, once he had forgotten his front tooth on the way to his college From half the way he sent a student of his acquaintance and sent home to obtain it from us. I was surprised that what would have happened if he forgot the tooth one day. Perfect social presentation was his natural self too. Cleanliness was so, so, important that even in his last few months he was over conscious with it. One day, I became a bit late and found that he started pouring water to bathe. I snatched the mug from hand and then bathed him. He couldn't afford to remain unclean as if his subconscious mind knew the death time, any day, any moment. When I used to rebuke him many a day for unnecessarily touching water and washing hands and feet, when I cleaned him very well most days after potty or pee, he used to reply the same each time, "তুইন বুছতেনা!" But, my subconscious mind too used to tick something like his did. But like most daughters, I too forced that my father's death is long time to go

He made sure that there was great food on Ids & New Year

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30th March, 2025 Sunday

11.36 AM

You can't imagine that thirty-thirty five years earlier, my tiger father could provide me with newspapers and magazines like, The Hindu, The Statesman, The Week, Frontline, সবুজ পাতা, Competition Refresher, The Asian Age, and.... In this home! All in hard copies. I remember, even if it were heavily rainy days the bundle would arrive, sometimes a bit wet in this corner. Sometimes, when I know certain deep tidbits in any political, social or personal matter, I realise that it would be from reading them. Do you think, I can repay such a father! Why should one think my eyes may not burn in tears anymore!

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23rd March 2025, Sunday

8.12 AM

29th March, 2025

My room. 8.40 am

These two pages written by Abba during his ill months will very strongly prove that his subconscious mind also knew that days were a few? His deep pain towards his eldest brother's sons (fifth nephew's name is clearly mentioned here) for sabotage, betrayal, lies and accusations hurried his illness. Despite gifting (forced, because Abba had just returned from first Haj and they who had kept the documents ready came for signatures at Abba's surprise and deep silence. The plot behind the pharmacy is also illegally under their control or complete দখল. For Abba, social shame mattered the most and he kept quiet but pain persisted simultaneously till the last months of life.... Many of you must have heard Sudha Murthy's quote where she warns, "Never give anything for free". Well, the quote best justifies my father's free gifts, money, and lands to his paternal kins. Their last torture proved that free gifts are never valued or remembered! My father whom people openly acknowledge even now that he should have become the MLA, he deserved it but lost elections both times. Sonia's public refused to vote and openly said, "Sir MLA মানে, বাতিজাইন MLA!) the pharmacy land; giving Abba the low, stoney, smaller agricultural plots (as used to be informed by the farmers) in exchange for bigger and more fertile ones; donating personal share's land for Gulezar Ali School and making eldest brother's eldest son a teacher, later headmaster and then teachers association's president; personal share's land sale during eldest brother's wife's haj whose money or land exchange was never given back; gold and fat cash money in almost each one's marriages or their childrens' even; Amma's paternal's almost entire gold sold by that eldest nephew for personal contractorship (witnessed by Abba's Krishnapur's younger son in Sonai Forest Office); never returning the money of a thick gold piece in mortagage to Amma by Abba's eldest brother's wife during their haj. She took back her gold without paying the money; no bringing of the imported tape recorder from Macca whose separate money was given by Abba to his eldest brother and wife; etc, etc, etc.... I could never understand, what kind of gratefulness Abba showed towards some relatives like them! Except a repeated incident which he shared with me while I was in Cotton College. Whenever we both crossed Jowai, he used to remember how his eldest brother lived there for some years and his fourth son was born there and so the latter looked like the khasis (oblique eyes) and when his second brother had told the elder to buy the youngest some pants as he was in Gauhati University then, that time, the eldest brother bought him 6-7 pants at one go. I have witnessed the spark, delight and happiness Abba showed whenever he shared the story of the purchase of those pants! And, I realise, whole life he kept on returning the gratitude of those pants. I swear, there was no second incident or favour the eldest brother ever did to my father! In my forty four years of life with my father, I witnessed no second one. Nor, could Abba ever share a second incident of love by his eldest brother apart from the pant anecdote.

....

Some will surely say, what was the need to write these?! Well, if Abba too wrote diaries, why shouldn't I or you! A public man like him wrote, it means: writing was important, very very important! We need to write. I needed to write. It may benefit many. It will benefit my father, me and my daughter.

Look at these two writings. He jotted them when he was severely ill in the last few months. You can read his thoughts. You can read my thoughts. And as "I" wite too, you will kindly realise how your thoughts intersect with me. And you will become me!

My younger sister and I tried to decode and decipher this writing. One was clear about his nephews. The other was about his university friend who tried to help but didn't bother to visit Abba when he was there in Guwahati for the last time! It had hurt him deeply that he wrote here. I told my sister that her husband must had stopped her who was also friend from same batch. BTW, I want to remind that my father was so good and great for women that HE ALWAYS MADE WOMEN FEEL SPECIAL WITH PRAISES, OVER PRAISES AND UTMOST ENCOURAGEMENT." This was narrowly understood by a handful sub-species. I pity them and their women. If you had seen how my father kept his wife, made us two daughters, complete non interference for daughterinlaw, unbelievable love and concern for my daughter, unconditional love for sisters, neices, other granddaughters and others! Whichever woman came across him, he made her remember him forever! A couple or three years back, Mrs. Swapna Rajiv (now Nair after second marriage after her first husband's death) my English teacher in Silchar Holy Cross asked (in Fb) how was Abba & Amma. Just imagine! From Kerala. She came across him decades back in 1990s....Abba had once warned about women! "বাড়ির বেটিন কুনোদিন ছোলাই ও না. বেটি ছলিলে শেষ." Well, he is hugely correct. Originally he was indicating about daughters in law. If they are triggered then all face loss starting from her.... Then, recently in our college, a female staff had gone against all and thought the vice versa. So, she put the SPs office, DHE, CM's office against us. When the SP was interacting with us, he asked us (English dptt's staff) if we read "The Madwoman in the Attic." Was he intersecting in what Abba had warned about! 

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21st March, 2025 Friday

6.57 am. My room. Sonai

THE TRAP!

Whenever I see these tickets or the chaos of 24th-26th flash in my entire bodies, just one word befits those moments, "The Trap". Yes! Even Almighty had to find a তর্কিব to capture Abba's soul and end his physical life. Yes! Yes! Yes! A couple or three months before 26th December 2024, when Abba was again admitted in Gracewell, and I noticed his extreme, extreme sad face, it came out of my mouth, "Abba, you don't worry. I will go to Ajmer (a few years back I had resolved never to go to any dargah again for any success but directly beg from the Creator of all. But, due to my not yet strong faith and falling for the condition of my father, it flowed out of my mouth. I thought Almighty will forgive me) and do dua for you and you will be cured." His face still remained that extreme sad. Then I kept on waiting for my younger sister that once she comes, I will leave. I always realised that after me, it was only her who could best take care of him. But, when she came from Guwahati, I thought it was already too late. And like all foolish daughters I thought my father would not exit now, there is time! She came, I did the air tickets to Delhi and bus tickets to Ajmer from my phone. (In my Hyderabad journeys for Abba, I had become quite good in them and then found it quite easy and always amazed at the country's and world's networking system! That too, just via phones, so virtually!) I had tutored my daughter to tell them that we both are going to Guwahati only for my eye checkup or a possible surgery follow-up. Coz, I felt if they hear of Delhi and Ajmer they might strongly disagree. When we duo reached Delhi airport, calls from my sister became so frequent that I think I was coming closer to the point of fact that his time was not much! She said again and again, "Abba's BP is falling! Abba's oxygen is falling! Heart rate is falling! (Before those few years, my father's oxygen level had hardly gone down. Even in his covid period, it was quite good. Even in his last six months' illnesses, it had hardly gone that down! As if, the Almighty was in a hurry to end all before I go back and start creating problems. I still feel that if I was there in his dying times, I would not have accepted it and agreed to let him go! (Agreeing and letting go the dying is that unbelievable, shocking and crucial points in our lives. I realise it now for the first times. When Abba fell from the bed again and again for three times in two days, while going to the washroom in the mornings, after his one brother's three sons insulted him again and again in our মছিদ, the result was those falls! Their ill behaviours shocked him forever! He grew them up. He was their social and emotional mentor. If you read my other tidbits, you may remember how and what role he played in the families, extended families and ঘুষ্টি after his father and second brother. Each paternal cousin's name of mine has been given by my father. He transited the old phase's names of vegetables & fruits to new, beatiful modern Muslim or lovely, typical, popular Bengali pet names. Some among the second or third paternal nephews and neices have also been named by him. And, they welcomed it. So, you can imagine his influence and acceptance!.... So, nephews who grew up under his love, shade, power and name make him stand and insult for no true reasons left him deeply hurt. And when old and ill physically bodies fall once or more then they can't recover. And it is Almighty's trick and trap too to make us exit from the world. When MP Sushmita Dev came to see Abba, she asked me, "Did he fall?" She said, "এইতো! বাবা ও পড়ে গেছিলো. তারপর আর কিছু করতে পারি নাই! Her father was MP & Union Minister Santosh Mohan Dev. Abba has given him tremendous allegiance. In return, he too always loved Abba). Unlike they three complied with each of his last signals and movements. Our mother and they two siblings were the last three family members present that night after midnight. I might had started fighting with the three screaming that why should they ever think that he has to exit now! In reaction and irritation they would have called me mad, abused or even hit for not being able to calm me down! Yes!! Or, I would have physically gone out of senses. Massive heart attack would have taken place resulting in my either going into short or long paralysis or coma or would have instantly died in the next four to six hours after Abba! Yes. I feel even now that something extreme would had happened to me that time. But, Almighty wants me to prolong for some more years, I know not for what reasons, or maybe for my daughter. In his sick days, when once in the noon time I was changing his vest and my daughter had come in the room, he suddenly told her in a requesting tone, "তর মা রে মায়া করিছ!" (Love your Mother!) Yes, only my father loved me in this world. Every other man or woman had only cheated or hated. And I didn't care for their exclusions because a man like my father was always there. I think I am still connected to him through my unending tears and memories. He is still motivating me each day.... My sister put on the WhatsApp video to see Abba's last moments. I could see witness how he shreiked once or breated out deeply as if deep inside he was weeping. She too was saying how tears were rolling down his two eye sides and she kept on wiping them. Oxygen mask was still tucked on. The mesab of our মছিদ and Abba's only nephew (out of dozens, all whom he loved and taken care of after his father and second brother), his second brother's third son whom he employed in his college as non-teaching staff and the latter was the only nephew who almost remained with Abba till the last night. My sister's husband and their lovely son also remained with Abba till midnight that date. Only I and my daughter had been banished for reasons for my good, for Abba's good (liver patients also go through severe pains, particularly in the calves or limbs) or for the good of all, I know not. Or, maybe for everyone's good.... I was trapped in Delhi airport when Abba breathed his last. After two-three days, he opened his eyes for the last time and looked at each of their (the threes) faces and with his last remaining little strength he could recite the kalima with them with full effort (very very few Muslims are able to read the kalima at the last point of exit from the world!), his dying face turned towards the right side and a silent, peaceful smile sat on his face!! Unimaginable way of dying!! One of the reasons why I am writing Abba's life with me and my life with Abba is this moment too!! - Even regular pirs and walis do not get such lovely points of death! I have believed it now what the Lord said :- In Islam, Intention is bigger than salat.... The janaja time was delayed because of me. The বেইমান paternals who had caused my father's fall from the bed again and again, attacked me even that day (exact lines were shared by my sister later): "বেশ ফড়িলে ওতা ওয়। আমরা বেশ ফড়ি তাম না!" (Too much education spoils us. We will not study much!")... Before that, I had let my sister know that if it becomes too late, let him be buried in time. But, she said it can't be. When I arrived back to Sonai, I really saw thousands and thousands thousands of men were really waiting. I felt bad. I am truly sorry for it. I seek everyone's মাফি for the wait.... It was just for around one hour that I could be with my father before taken him for জানাজা Sonai's field (N. G. School's Sports Field). I held his right hand again as I held when he was ill and alive. Once he expressed, "আমার ফুড়ি এ আমার আতো দরে জেতুগু, আমার জান ঠান্ডা ওই যায়!" So I clasped his right palm for the last time. I asked, "আব্বা দ আব্বা, আর কুন দিন তুমারে ফাইমু দ, আর কুনদিন তুমারে দেখমু দ!" My sister disbelieved when I shared later that I saw Abba's last strength or reflex when his lower lip moved a bit when I sat near his body for the last time. But it moved! As if he responded that I could come in time, that we could both be together again!

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15th March, 2025

7.30 am

Uttar Mohanpur. My room. 

The college had decided to bring out a book on Abba. The responsibility has been given to me again. Last year's Papyrus' responsibility adhered to me was more or else done well except severe insults from the History department two colleagues for complying with the Convenor of the book more, who is from Bengali. I too have a clear hunch about these two lobbies and become unnecessary victim of their hidden hate and expulsion towards each other. How sad and disturbed my Abba was seeing me in uncontrollable tears. I never cried like that before him. He too realised with me that my destiny was so feeble that nobody would spare me for nothing, anything. Being unable to catch him, the senior one from the same department and main culprit, to rebuke and charge, Abba made the Ex-MLA, Mr. Aminul, Abba's student and truest admirer to rebuke him over the phone. (He felt too grateful to Abba because he acknowledged that Abba's agreeing to permit his readmission to Sonai college made him start his political career from students union. He then openly confessed before Abba that he wanted to take admission for the same reason. Before that he had taken admission in a college in Silchar but couldn't curve out any political niche there. My father is a great man মহাপুরুষ because he made so many others' lives and careers. He gave them full space ample chances. And with a beautiful smile on his Greek face!) A severe women related case could be easily made on him. But, inability to make any female agree to become witness to the complaint, the pace and heat thinned. But, somewhere deep in my heart the trauma and shock from the history department has been dented forever. I am sure, my Abba too left this world with worries and anticipations that he couldn't create a safe space for me anywhere- home, inlaws or workplace.

I think, the entire 2024 was the only year in his life where I witnessed and observed him frequently sad, very sad sometimes. If you compare his previous photos with last year's, you will automatically agree. As if he knew, the Exit time is too near. Being extremely intelligent and man of damn depth, as if he knew, there's not much time left. Photos of his sad faces still fill me with sadness and tears. I couldn't do anything to make him happy and well again, to get back his previous happy self! I could do nothing! I weep because I could do nothing to stop his health betraying him so so fast. His Greek face remained Greek even in deadness. And his smiling face revived on his dead face, as if he was liberated from the physical pain caused by liver failure and multiple organ failures or smiled because he reunited with his dearest mother, বুবাই, (his third elder sister married in south Krishnapur village) and second elder brother. I could realise and witness how attached he was with the three, particularly, the mother- that despite not having her and them from years and years, he cried for her like a child! "মাই দ মাই, তুমি খানো দ মাই! তুমার মুখ কানতা দেখাও দ মাই।" And unending tears would roll down his cheeks. Then, he would call me his mother, "তুমি আমার মাই! তুমি আমার মাই!" And, I would pretend, "ওয়, আমি ই তুমার মাই!" And my heart still bursts and bursts with pains of those scenes and sounds. I wish I had died before him! I wish I had left him before he left me.

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13th March, 2025 Thursday

5. 45 AM. My room....

This is the exact place where this car kia sonet car is kept. His dilated, lost eyes will keep on flashing in my heart! As usual, I had made him seat in the sun. Just a bit beside the car. And in a lost way he asked, "ইকান খার গাড়ি?" I replied, "আর খার! তুমার!" It was that December, the month/s (and January) which takes away most bodies away from this earth! The moaning, mourning two months! How many times the masjids all around me would echo out, ইন্না লিল্লাহি...! Early mornings are most saddening for me. Almost every alternative or third day, there's a death information. And it is mostly the old people. From birth till 25th December 2024 I heard almost all death news. Except my father's!! I am so weak, so feeble, so fragile, so... that the Creator had to take me away from my dead father so far away. I keep on thinking, if I was present near him at the dying point of time, the next day on 27th my grave would have been ready! The sad descriptions of the way he was getting ready to disappear from my life! If I was there, I would not had permitted it to the Creator! Being "রাজি!" Or, agreeing with the Almighty's decision is minute and serious for the Creator too. MY LOVE FOR MY FATHER IS SO INSEPARABLE THAT EVEN THE CREATOR HAD TO FIND OUT A WAY TO TRAP ME AND FINISH HIS WORK!!!!!! The Trap. Tarkib! Or may be, my subconscious mind knew of that point and wanted to disappear from the sight so that I don't die of shock, sadness and unacceptance the next day! I really don't know. But in either of it, the love was too too much! I didn't witness my mother crying even once after 26th December's morning and my sister only once after seeing Abba in a dream where he was desperate that he couldn't set her career with a job. The science stream's old batch in the college is yet to accepted by government, where her name is inserted in the Zoology department.... And the son! Oh!! I have been hearing from my mother how her eldest brother was forcibly taking the ownership of the tea estate's lesse-ship and Wakf's from their ill and dying father, from the fear if other brothers claim or come in the way after the old man's death! And our house is the repetition of that dirty, nasty maternal genes where the cows got instantly sold, trees got cut & sold, pension and Silchar Ramnagar plot's sale money (all screenshots saved in my devices) fast transferred, etc ... all these in fear if Abba does more favour to me, his closest child. Disrespecting sisters is most dirty and notorious maternal genetic error. My short stories are filled with true lives from Malugram and Kanakpur, the latter. From the last few years, I have realised and assessed that the values, ethics of my maternal family has been so low always that their sight, sounds, memories, fills me with ire and detest! I can clearly see that some of those nasty maternal genes got automatically transferred in us which I too am unable to curb despite knowing it is not correct at all- like, inability to forgive; going to no-talking terms for years and years after any tiff or tug with anyone at home or outside;.... When Abba could not recognise the car, my heart felt a deep pang too. The face that point is unforgettable. I wish I could change his life! I wish I could minimise his physical pain of the last few days! I wish his memory hasn't gone so down, so fast! No Donep came of help! Almighty is too powerful. Medicines are all so fake and airy. The power of the Owner of the world is too much, full much.... A few years back, when his younger sister snorted over phone to our mother over Abba's using her red eon car! I was shocked and felt ashamed forever. I felt guilty of using my eon car. Both are dowry cars from Abba's pension. That moment only I gave away my eon to Abba forever and ever. Sonai's public and relatives are witness to it. I & my daughter used school van, auto, tuktuki, diesel auto, e-rickshaw and sometimes bus 95% times until eon for rare times like doctor, marriage or a rare shopping with Amma to Silchar. I felt so peaceful when Abba used it completely. Then when I sold the same at 1.20 lacs to a customer in Lala, Hailakandi via OlX, keeping just 10k to myself through Abba's UPI, I felt more burdenless giving him all the rest in hard cash as given by the buyer. That money too kept in Abba's blue almirah (gifted by me too) was mostly taken away by his ... on the pretext of medicines and tests, etc....

When I first kept a driver for the first time after the regularisation of the job, Abba told his son with happiness, content and deep confirmation, "আমি Driver রাখি লাইছি". Ah!! It still fills me with satisfaction and peace that my father identified my anything, all things as his. So, I then and now find him inseparable from myself. Whereas, he drove the eon by himself until he fell severely ill a few months before leaving me forever. I don't find Almighty's system a good or great one. This replacing, exiting, dying, disappearing are too, too painful. I wish there were some other systems to be together forever. And, if hell or দুজখ can be the next space to keep me separated again from my Abba, then I am on the way to earn heaven. So that, I unite with my father forever and forever. And even when Almighty recreates the world again with the best men and women then I want to be his daughter again!... Unending tears have diminished my eyesight again in a couple of months towards almost -7 and +2. I don't want to become blind either because this will harm my works, thoughts and writings.

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6th March, 2025 Thursday

2.55 AM. My room. Uttar Mohanpur.

It's another of the few strangest fasting months for me. For the second time I have selected separate ঈস্তার and ফথা, with me & my ten years old angelic daughter. Due to the hate, abuse & systematic cheating of the other lobby formed forever by the mother and her two sons. A few years later, bad behaviour from the son of this house led me to similar choice. But, that time Abba ate every ঈস্তার with me and carried each ফথা on a plate to my room. Well, in truth without Abba anymore I don't bother to adjust in any other team as I receive no strength from them except deep hate, badmouthing and exclusion forever. But my daughter sees Abba more frequently in dream. A couple of days back in this রুজা she saw him profusely & painfully weeping. For what? - That, I have become alone without him? That, more shocks are waiting for me? Or, I am going to die too leaving his dearest granddaughter alone? For what did he weep like this! Dreams always play a very important role in life. For me, dreams play crucial roles as forebodings or Confirmations or good signs. (When I got divorced I soon saw my দাইজ্জি in dream. Her large eyes filled with teeming waters. That dream makes me realise any day anytime till now, how much love she had and still has for her grandchildren! And that the dead are not really dead) Another dream, my bambino saw was that Abba was in his bedroom as usual, cutting and sharing an apple with her. Offering her a piece saying, "ধর খা." As usual he cut and shared with her & me when alive, offering every fruit he cut! The last ten years have been completely spent and lived with her too. She had become the new objective of his last phase. When he made me to admit her in school too early, that is three years, two months only, I could fully sense he planned to help me set her education and marriage within his lifespan. So, I obeyed him although deep inside I knew going to school at max six would be better for her. I later realised and often shared with others at home and outside that additional school stress for such a small child who was extremely frugal in food too, made her develop migrane. In the last few years I atlast broke the suppression and could also express that many decisions of parents ruined or changed my life. From early childhood, I never wanted to get married. Thought of marriage filled me with expulsion, anger and stopping to eat. As if I had a hunch that it was not for me. Or, my subconscious mind knew that it would bring serious changes in my head, heart, nature and life. After first marriage's failure I once discovered a তাবিজ fell from the corner of pillow where আরবি and Bengali was used to make me agree for marriage. I knew it was the doing of my mother most probably with the help of any মুল্লা or the paternal first cousin from Banskandi. Till today I accuse her of harming me by doing such work. After dreams I also believe in the effects of black magic and তাবিজ. I have spent some years of student days being an agnost. It was futile time which was hollow and offered me no strong alternatives of cause and effect! So, now I believe in a powerful Creator before him I am powerless but I can pray, weep and beg before the Creator for certain favours. And, many a time the effects or results are witnessed my me. So, a life now of faith and belief is better than the hollow unempowered agnostic one. Something is better than nothing.... But, my তাজুদ and তিলাওত for my father went completely unanswered. In sadness, I have not opened the কুরআনশরীফ yet from 26th December 2024. Or, maybe it was my fault, the force and yearn of while reciting was weak and detached. For any of the two reasons or connected reasons, I am still filled with a perennial sadness and I can't say when I will open the holy book again. It is still wrapped in that extra polythene bag I used in the flight on 24th December's journey for Ajmer for which I had taken for Abba's sake too but had to return from the Delhi airport only! Those twenty four hours were the strangest time. I am still unable to apprehend, how all happened.... I told my girl, if your নানা comes in dream again crying for me or you, then tell him, "মা এ কইছইন, এলকু কান্দিয়া কিতা করতায়. গেলায় খেনে ফালাইয়া. তুমি জানো নানি, তুমি ছাড়া মার আর কেউ নাই? জান্তায় তে মার লাগি আরো আট দশ রইলায় না, আল্লার গেছে খুঁজিয়া অরো আট দশ লইলায় না? অতো মায়া যখন মার লাগি, তেতো রৈতায় আসলায়. আর নাইলে মারে লইয়া যাও, আমরারে  লইয়া জাও."

1.3.2025 Sat

7.09 am. Uttar Mohanpur. Sonai

My father's grave on 26th December 2024. Prepared and waiting for him. By Almighty's kindness, the digging went completely un-hassled, & the grave seemed larger than the taken body measurements, which surprised everyone, including hidden enemies. It is hence proved once again that the Almighty best re-welcomes humans of good intention only. And his smiling dead face adds sparks to the great man's life....For around a week or little more, I, my younger sister and our children had visited his grave every day which is inside the masjid premises. My mother's two sisters also went to see it.... There is just one more space left near Abba, perhaps for Amma. I wish I lay ...! ... On 26th December, I talked (messaged) to my sister if Abba could be buried inside our house complex. Later, when we both were seeing Abba's grave, the masjid Imam let us know how Abba had already selected this particular space long back. He selected the portion nearer to the masjid boundary or walls.... Before that, long back it was his second eldest brother, Gulezar Ali (Abba's mentor) who had made this choice of the family graveyard just adjacent to the masjid. I guess the latter was extremely intelligent. People amaze and praise at the location of our paternal graveyard just adjacent to the মছিদ. A common relative maritally and paternally had brought this point to my notice. No graveyard (perhaps in the district) is set like that, as per her. I feel that untimely death pinned Abba ahead of his brother. But, handsome knows the handsome! 

A few years back, a paternal first cousin shared, "মাইজলা মামায়, হরু মামারে কিতা জেন মনো খরতা! কিতা জেন মায়া আসলো! গাছ থাকি সবচে ফইলা ফাখনা সফরি (guava), ফইলা ফাখনা ফল ফাঁড়িয়া আনিয়া সব তাকি উচ্চা বাক্সর উফরে থৈয়া খৈতা, 'ইগু কুনোগে ছইবায় না, ইগু ফটল আইলে খাইবো!' (What he thought of the younger uncle! What love for the younger brother! He would pluck the first ripe guave and keep it on the topmost part of the highest almirah and say, "This, I am keeping for Potol! He will eat it when he comes back. Nobody should touch this").

... 

Two brothers of same stature! I want to give the COMPLETE CREDIT of giving birth to such sons to my grandmother only! 

Not only did I witness her life for eighteen or twenty years, by each passing time, I realise how deep and different she was!! She lived a Fathimi (perhaps, imitating the modest life of Mother Fathima, daughter of our King) life. She was the only child of her parents in Sonabarighat village. Her mother's demise had led her father to remarry and had a son who is still alive. But then she had inherited all per paternal house and all the lands which she donated to relatives. The lands have been donated to her cousins who were not well enough. Objection from her third son made them get badly rebuked and taunted, "তুমাতান নাইনি? তুমাতান নাইনি!" (Don't you all have yours!?) Imagine a woman's strength, power, decision or choice and lonely handling her paternal inheritance! Not just this much, the land of the মছিদ in her village has also been her donation and choice! In the marital home, her husband (দাদাজি) was irritated and angry over her unstoppable alms in various forms. He would latch (then, today's metal lock systems were not available) the granary as hard as possible and ask their eldest daughter in law to keep a vigilance. When he would come back from the Court in the evening, he could immediately realise and tell the vigilante, "খুলি লাইছে নানি, খুলি লাইছে!" (She had opened it right, she had opened it!) And they would smile and confirm. I was surprised how she had just two white saris and a third one for prayers. Just one pair of simple slippers. One শন্দুক (wooden almirah) where she kept a few eggs, some dry fish, etc only to give to some needy relatives or the beggars.... When I was quite small, she had gone to my maternals house in Malugram. She had borrowed Amma's heels (My mother even now wears heels only because of short stature). My eldest maternal uncle had teased or joked about it in their drawing room. I still remember her embarrassed face, and I was secretly angry and hurt over the uncle for the taunt.... So, if a mother has deliberately chosen a life like this of humility despite having a strong team of well to do men at home, won't it please the Almighty and GIFT HER WITH MIGHTY SONS!

28th Feb, 2025

6.05 AM, Uttar Mohanpur. My room.

This is my daughter's pencil bag, bought from Kolkata Airport. During our three-year journey to Hyderabad for Abba's liver treatment at AIG, every time we were in Kolkata, Abba would hand us ₹1000 and say, "যাও, মা-ফুড়ি এ কিচ্ছু কিনি লাও গিয়া." Almost every time, my little one would buy something. Among all the airport gifts, this was the best and most beautiful. It cost nearly ₹900, and later, when my mother, my child, and I went to Hyderabad's Begum Bazar to find a similar one for my brother's daughter, we couldn’t find the exact piece. Airport products are truly unique, though often overpriced. There’s another confession I once feared making to my father—the purchase of a headphone from Kolkata Airport. Firstly, it was an unethical purchase from a Muslim perspective. Secondly, it was airportly overpriced, costing either ₹1,800 or ₹2,800. At the time, I couldn’t forsake the hunch that my incredibly super-intelligent father might have guessed I had used his card to buy it. His that eye movement at that point has got pinned in my eyes and heart forever. Sitting there in the airport, guilt and shame washed over me. Later at home, I also kept on lingering and hesitatating to admit what I had done, and even now, I feel small, ashamed, and pricked by it. On the Day of Judgment, may Almighty give me humility and courage to accept any punishment for this act—for hiding the truth or, in raw terms, ‘stealing.’ And, even now if you reader want to call me a thief for it, I accept it. ... I miss the sound of my father’s voice. I feel like I’m burning apart, longing to hear him, see him, talk to him, feel his fragrance, sound of his walking feet, the sighs, the sound of water splash when he watered the gardens, sound of the shooing of flying squirrels with bamboos from his coconuts! 

27th Feb, 2025 Thursday 

7. 10 am. My room. Uttar Mohanpur. Sonai.

As I mentioned earlier, the subconscious mind in me always tried to tick that his life is not going to be long.... Many years back when I was perhaps still a student, I had come across a book on palm reading of great men & women around the world. (I have to relook if the book is from my Abba's stock). I remember stark lines & stars of men like M. K. Gandhi, & others.... Witnessing my father's stature I was often curious to see his palms. But, then we were free & we were distant in some matters. I never dared to see or ask him to show.... Then, when he was so weak and ill in his last few months, & remained at my care for the maximum part of the days & nights, at last I thought I would check his palms. And lo! Kindly see his stars! And confirm from the planets who, what & how he was! By Almighty's kindness.... And, to share with you when I touched his hands & palms, he let loose them completely, not seeing or wanting to know what I was trying to do. I clicked. Surely he could hear the clicking sounds of my mobile. But he was detached, fallen, fragile & completely disinterested.... I am not interested in life anymore (except for my daughter who has clipped the last peg, for I have a hunch that my exit will affect the quality of her life). I am only curious if I will soon start living with 'you' when I die, even if it is with the 'rooh.' I have not loved anyone more than my father. I have not seen anybody else than him. Even now, I see, hear & feel only him. I wish I was like Mother Fathima, who exited the world (by whatever mid reasons) in six months, after her father.

25.1. 25 Sat. M. C. Das College. Sonai. 11.35 AM

When I had just started my PhD, Abba was traveling from Guwahati for some college-related work. I needed to buy a laptop for my writing but didn’t want to go alone to the shop, fearing I might get cheated. So, I decided to pick him up from the airport in our car, thinking we could stop by the shop on the way. At that time, I had probably started receiving my MANF scholarship, so I was ready to make the purchase. Once we entered the arcade where the shop was, things moved quickly, and the purchase was almost finalized. It was then that I realized Abba was nowhere to be seen—he wasn’t behind me or anywhere in the shop. Still, I paid for the laptop, walked out, and in my confusion, I finally spotted him wandering around outside, moving briskly from one side to another. We got into the car, talked about the laptop, and eventually reached home. Later that day, Amma told me, "Your father was extremely hungry when you went to buy the laptop. Somehow, he managed to find something frugal to eat outside the shop." Her words hit me hard. I still always feel a deep sense of guilt whenever I remember that moment. The image of Abba pacing around, yet smiling through his hunger. I realize now how thoughtless and selfish I was—not even pausing to ask him if he was hungry after such a long journey. I had selfishly prioritised my own fear of buying alone over his comfort. And yet, he was genuinely happy that I was purchasing a laptop to support my studies and writing. His unending selflessness humbles me to this day and the sight of that laptop fills me with guilt again and again and each time! And I have kept it despite it's not workable much anymore, to keep myself reminded of my sin. I had given it to my daughter to play and then recently I took it back before the children destroy it completely. A few keys have been uprooted by the maid servant's daughter. Took it to the shop from whom I had bought it. They advised not to set it aright. It will be loss. The lappy might again go awry. So now I have kept it inside my book almirah.

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Sun 23rd Feb, 2025

Uttar Mohanpur, Sonai

10.6 AM.

A few months back, at Nightingale Hospital, as usual, many relatives and acquaintances came to visit Abba. In the evening, the former Chief Judicial Magistrate of Karimganj Court, famously known as "খুকা Magistrate," arrived with his family. (His stepfather was my mother’s eldest maternal uncle—a man of strikingly good looks which still flashes in my mind although I saw him just once in Malugram, Silchar during his sister's last days. My mother’s maternal family humbly claims descent from a Kashmiri ancestor who married a woman from কনকপুর. Well, when you see many of those relatives, it's hard to ignore the resemblance. I may not have the signature aquiline nose of people of kashmiri descent, but even I have been once mistaken for it or other ethnicities. Once, in the old Big Bazaar, someone asked if I was Kashmiri. Then, a friend’s sister from then Cotton College asked if I had any Nepali member. And in Shillong, when Abba and I were stranded due to a curfew in Guwahati, we were walking through Police Bazar when one of Abba’s acquaintances was surprised: “Your daughter? I thought she was a local (Khasi) from here.” That evening, as they were leaving the hospital room, Abba smiled and said warmly, “Take a photo with me. স্মৃতিটুকো বেদনা.” He was calm, relaxed, at peace and handsomely smiled.... And somehow, deep inside, a heart of me or the subconscious mind, as if had always known that one day,—that one day, he would truly not be there with me. This hiding-clever mind & heart kept on naturally recording those moments witnessed or activities spent with him.

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18th Feb, 2025

4.39 AM. Uttar Mohanpur. Sonai

of such! I humbly request my daughter and all the future generations from me to never take or give dowry! To stop it completely. This dowry has damaged the hearts of uncountable ordinary and extraordinary men and fathers! This dowry has damaged the hearts and lives of uncountable ordinary and extraordinary daughters and wives! I sold my eon to a customer in Lala, via OLX and had handed over the entire hard cash to my father keeping only ten thousand via UPI transfer from his account, after informing him. After my father left me on 26th December, 2024, I often feel if I had not sold it but kept it as another token of his love for me and symbol of my father's fear for dowry.

It's sad to witness that one Mr. Atul, another scientist couldn't cope with the fact that he lost his wife's DV case and is compelled to pay her in lakhs and lakhs. And the nation has entered a new narrative of false dowry case.... Who knows what is false and true in DV cases? Was Tagore and his innocent daughters lying? Is my dowry cases lies? Lakhs of daughters and wives have been becoming victims of murders, suicides and nasty marital lives from time immemorial. And 99% remain unreported. All are lies? How did Mr. Atul, another so-called scientist lead wife to such 'revenge' if asking for monthly payment for her & the children was too high & fake in such costly country? Why shouldn't husbands never expect wives do shoutouts? Why was she too so hurt? Who hurt & harmed whom first? Which man's wife was she, Atul's or the male advocates' & male Judges'? His death was better for her & their children? He was hurt or his male ego was hurt that he killed himself? Was and is she having a human self or not? How normal was her life with him and now without him?

If Rabindranath Tagore's daughters became victims of dowry, then why shouldn't I be! My father has been a great man but Tagore's fame transcended nations. So then we are! When it comes to daughters or if you are the father of a daughter/s, then you are no great or man but just a helpless, under-ordinary father of daughter/s.

In his younger daughter's marriage, my father gave a red eon car in dowry. A few days later, her husband, (another so-called scientist), objected or teased her that the keys were falsely handed over to him during marriage because she remained the owner of the car.... Then came my second marriage. Same eon, light grey coloured was given in dowry. The keys along with my godrej storewell's remained with mother-in-law. After the DV case was over, I had to ask it again & again from her through her son. The pretext of the DV case included when his mother teased me, "ইতা আইজখাইল সব বাফ ওকলে দেইন. এল্কু আরো বড় বড় গাড়ি দিতরা." Although, they later denied these in the court and later at home.

But the regular dowry with demand for cars for both daughters began in the so-called first marriage of mine. When two of my paternal cousins went with tiffin and আছা to the then inlaws, the shocking hidden desire openly expressed by the son's father was, "তারার মেয়ে অতো বড় সাক্রিয়ান ফাইসে, আমার ছেলে কিতা ফাইল! অন্তত, গাড়ি এখান ত দিতা আসলা!" The psychological effect of those two lines that had on my very, very strong father was so deep that he gave one car to his younger daughter (worth more than three lakhs plus in cash payment) and then one year later to me too! But, each day I realise that the dowry of cars and planes were no cure for him and his ill-lucked daughters. In the first marriage, my mother was allegedly villainous for shaping a bad person like me. And the next ones alleged my father was villainous for shaping a bad person like me. In the second case, the mother-in-law openly told to people, "বাফে ফুরিন তরে নষ্ট করি লাইসোন". A maternal aunt, mother's younger sister, was irritated that this new series of giving cars in dowry is being added by us and from where will they get money for cars. Had she known how intimidated my father was at the desire of educated inspectors and their scientists sons, he thought the dowry of cars would give normal marital lives to his daughters.... Today, when I witness the mushroomed lines of shops from Baroali to Majirgram in Sonai, my head & eyes boil with blood! These are not furniture shops. These are dowry-shops!.... What should be done to stop this sin! Ill culture of dowry is inherited from our hindu past. And sadly and surprisingly, the Muslims here and in the adjoining state have groomed and shone in it better than our hindu brothers and sisters. Instead of trying to finish it as the latter are witnessed doing, the Muslims are blooming in it like stars and moons!.... When my daughter was born, I had surprised the baby doctor Dr. Pinaki Chakravorty by naming her in just twelve hours! Getting a daughter was so relieving! But, when the points of dowry come, I think if I had a son then I would have set the world's best example of only welcoming my son's life-partner than dowry-partner!.... I am also worried about my daughter's marriage because of the evil of dowry. If she too becomes a victim

15.1.2025. 5.52 AM. UM. Sonai. Tuesday.

This is the leather bag Abba instantly bought for me from Fancy Bazar, Guwahati. Then it cost ₹800 something. I was using a bag given by Amma, bought from Gandhi Mela, Silchar. It had become loose and shaggy. Guwahati was then too a very style conscious place. Fashion has been more well-spread there than I witnessed in the country's capital. A class fellow named Urmisree Baruah came near me & said, "তুর এই ব্যাগটু এতিয়া ও আছে." I became truly conscious and felt a bit ashamed too. Abba was in the city regarding his college work & was visiting me morning and evening. Next time, I soberly expressed with lowered eyes, "আব্বা, আমার এখটা bag লাগবো." He understood and nodded, "Hm." Instantly in his evening visit this bag was there. And the next morning he left for home. This bag has been so good, stylish and sturdy that I kept on using it for years and years. Never did its chains ever fail yet in more than two decades. Nor, the belt tore ever. Whenever & whatever Abba exclusively bought for me has been too good like this. Being a man of immense intelligence, as if he always knew from my earliest days that there would be no second person in my life who will and can love me truly! Today, I have taken it out again to use and bring my spartan father back to my hollow life.

12.1.2025. 4.50 AM.

UM Sonai.

In 2024, Abba deliberately extended this strip. Amma & I were annoyed for wasting money. From inside my window I teased him, "You have so much money!"(অতো ফইসা নি তুমার!) He replied from outside, "অনো ফুল রুইয়া দিমু। অবাই দি চাইবাই। সুন্দর লাগবো. After that, the strip was first spread with টগর by Amma. After Abba fell severely ill from July 2025 and when he was brought back home after a long stay in Gracewell and he showed slight changes of recovery, I was determined to beautify the strip. Collected all the bonsai bougainville. In our busyness while Abba was in hospital, max flowers died. The caretaker hardly took care. Nearly 100 flower pots were emptied by me alone.... Abba used to smile at this strip when we strolled him in the wheelchair. He used to say, "অগুন সুন্দর অইসে". The last day he lied in the foldable bed in this frontyard, he was amazed and said, "হায়রে সুন্দরর ফুল।" My father's love for plants and gardening was inspired by PM Indira Gandhi's house. He was just a class X student then. Morning shows the day. He showed sparks of his being faster, fearless and ahead of others at that age only. His elder sister's husband, a Patowary and owner of huge spread of lands in দক্ষিণ কৃষ্ণপুর was falsely trapped as Bangladeshi citizen by his enemies. When his sister cried before him he was determined to do anything to save the citizenship. And with address of and name of an advocate or some employee in Delhi HC or the SC (I have forgotten the name) he left with all the documents. Moinul Hoque Choudhury, their relative and Minister kept on guiding them. When he reached Delhi, he had no clue of the exact location. The autowala was angry and irritated. He askef for phase, sector, etc etc. But Abba could tell nothing except that he gave the name of a place he read in some stories. From this clue, the driver reached him to the destination. The engaged advocate then advised him to meet the PM. He went. She was not present at home then. But what benefitted him from the visit was his witnessing the gardening. He told this anecdote of his life again and again. One year back, he again remembered and repeated, "ইন্দিরা গান্ধীর বাড়িত দেখসলাম। বা!! গাস দিয়া নি বাড়ি অতো সুন্দর করা যায়!" Earlier he had narrated how a tree-canopy like entrance led to her residence. The gardening in this house, the college and ফুন্না বাড়ি have all been shaped & beautified by him with his own hands, inspired by the PM's residence. Not just this life lesson, Abba also won & saved his brotherinlaw's Indian citizenship. He showed signs of success from very early age.

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8th Feb, 2025.

7.59 PM. Uttar Mohanpur. Sonai. 

Today, a junior colleague posted a link that GU gets A+ from NAAC. And numerous memories of Abba's sharing about his alma mater is flashing in my mind & eyes. One after another. Once during NET exam, my seat was in near his Pol. Sc dptt. And I still remember how his eyes, face & voice had become nostalgic! He sat by the bench near me, facing me & looking around the walls and room. He said, "ঔ দারোর room ও আমরার class করতাম. আমরার রাজত্ব আসলো ইতাত!" And he kept on looking around with his small, sweet smile and lit eyes.

Oh! How many times he accompanied me for studies and function in Guwahati, Delhi & Hojai! How much I troubled him! Oh! I felt guilty then and I am feeling now. I should have made more successes in academics. For the sake of studies and knowledge, he almost took me wherever I wanted to go. I wanted to learn French, he was so thrilled and shared it with all who knew him. It was a crash course opposite SBI at Hailakandi Rd, for a few months only. I only remember extremely few words and French lines. Then he got me & his younger daughter in short hand class in silchar's Hospital Rd, at the influence of Amma's younger brother. How much money he spent as fees and rickshaw fare. That knowledge hardly came of use to me except writing some dictated English tution notes. Etc, etc, etc.

Ever since I came to my senses after birth, & till he was still well and in senses, he never forgot his Pol. Science teacher, Prof. Venkat Rao. Prof. Venkat Rao! Prof. Venkat Rao! He was the founder of the Pol. Science dptt of GU. And, Abba shared that how the univ kept him forever. Means, Prof Emeritus. Abba was always amazed that the chair where Prof. Rao sat was never taken away from him. His room remained for him forever till death.

Once he shared with me, "You see, my college will also do the same to me. They will also give me a separate room forever." He was sure. But, my Abba's sandals used by him while gardening was sent home to him, the next day after retirement, by a non-teaching staff! How shocked are you knowing this! When those incidents flash to me even today, I too still feel hurt and traumatic.

Then, after retirement they objected his visit on Independence Day & Republic Day because as founder, they were compelled to let him unfurl the flag. Then before one such day, the Invitation Card sent to him had no name written on. And in next those great Days, he didn't go anymore. Are you shocked? These are still in my list of traumas & sadnesses! How more hurt & sad my father would had been too.

...

A few months back, I came across an interview of Shekar Kapur where he reminds that in the journey of rising above others in life, how much humiliations had to be beared too. And the first requirement of astonishing success is "humility". And the thousands of men who attended his janaja actually experienced his humility.

...

From early school days till my daughter's rice eating started till a 8-10 months back when he still lived quite a normal life despite unexpressing illnesses, he recalled, "আমরার Professor (or sometimes, আমরার Political Science ওর Sir এ ) Venkot Rao এ খৈতা, 'এক মুট অইলে ও ভাত খাইয়া বারিও ঘর থাকি, কুনদিন না খাইআ বারিও না"

As bad words are infectious, so are good ones. Professor Rao's words inspired three generations of Abba's family. And this inclusion today may now inspire incessant generations. My heart is yearning to see his family wherever they are, if in Guwahati, back in South India or outside. I want to tell them how I got related to them!

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29.1.25 Wed. M. C. Das College. Sonai.

11.46 AM.

I will open up my list of sins done towards my father. When people say, how well I have taken care of, how I have stayed with him my whole life, how he loved me and how I loved him back; I am flashed with how I missed many true or better moments with him! I wish I had been more careful and not created those gaps. I desperately want to go back and stitch those gaps! But I can't. And I would secretly want you to read my these concessions only when I am dead and gone so that I am spared from shame. My paternal family, particularly my father considered me foolish. I remember my father telling me once, "আমি হি দুওগুর ছিনতা করি না. হীগুন শিয়ান. জেসআ কলে ছলিয়া যাইবা. তুইন ফারতে না. তুইন জেলা চলস, মানু ইলা ছলইন না. তুইন আউআ. আমি খালি তর ছিনতা করি." From these confessions, you will realise, my father was perfectly correct. But I am just like that. I couldn't change when he was alive. And now when he is physically not with me, I have still remained the same.... When Abba was seriously ill and when I used to take him outside in my white car (which he always called his and that used to fill my heart with happiness), one afternoon (he used to sit in bed or in the chair in the verandah waiting for me from college or school. Later, the college provided me three-months CCL leave as being a single parent and simultaneously being the primary caretaker of my father became difficult) he told me to take out his watch. I found two Titans in the almirah. Oh! If you had witnessed the way he put one of them!! The desperateness to live life again!!! To make everything the same again! To make his life the same as before by wearing the watch! Oh! That scene! My heart was getting pierced & cut. And each time that wearing the watch scene flashes tears and pangs trigger back. I wish I could change his life. Later when I came and took a look at the watches, it was found that both of them were not working. So, in my fake attempt to set them right, I took them to the old Titan shop in central road and in the second visit they shared that only one could be made ok. I brought and immediately showed Abba, "ওউ দেখো আব্বা, তুমার গড়ি ঠিক করিয়া আনছি." He replied in his strong confirming voice, "ওউ বালা করছত." Then I put it in the bed-box near his head. But, I got 'foolishly' misled by a youtuber where the latter had said that wearing a metal watch will change destiny for more good. And I took that watch and wore it. And, Abba had called me. He was sitting in his bed. I was on the way to school. That watch was loosely dangling on my wrist. He saw it! He saw it with full open eyes. And this time I was filled with shame and guilt. I was very very ashamed. I think I hurt him. For did he think that he will not live the same life again and so I repaired the watch for my own benefit??!! Yes, he must have realised that. He was an extremely intelligent man. I always knew he always understood everything. And about me, my life, my heart, my thoughts - it was open to him forever, from my birth point till 26th December. I will soon try to compress the watch length. I will wear it so that it also reminds me of my sin & hurt towards my father in his last few days. And, if metal watches change people's destiny then all men in my region would have become like my father. Foolish and Selfish I remain?

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21.1.25 Tue UM. Sonai. 3.20 AM.

Just before his eldest brother's three surviving sons used to stop him in our masjid and insult him and insult him over phone over land ownership chaos and then soon one morning he fell down while going to the washroom. I ran from the kitchen and grabbed him up back in bed. The next morning he fell again and my little daughter called for me, "মা, নানা ফড়ি গেসোন!" I did the same as yesterday. A little later, he again fell. This time I failed. My energy was all finished. Then, Amma called for her son. After the three's insults and those three falls, Abba never became the same again. Just a few days before Abba had seen his second eldest brother in a dream. Ever since his brother died, he shared with Amma that he saw him in the dream for the first time. And Abba went in a deep thought thinking over and over again, "আমার ভাই রে দেখলাম আইজ ফইলা বার. আমার ভাই অতো খুশি খেনে!" Now, I completely realise that his brother's রুহ was happy and waiting for the reunion with Abba. And then too I realised something but as usual with the দুনিয়াভি fakeness, I forcibly tore the curtain of death's truth conveyed through the dream. Just a week before the 26th December I dreamt of another that in a fair's food stall, Mehnaz & I were there. Then, I suddenly saw the present principal of Abba's college passing by us. I deeply request him to have something with us as a treat from my side. But after food was served I while going to pay couldn't trace a single penny in my blue purse. I rummaged on the phone to do online payment. There was no money there. The guest smiled sarcastically. I woke up in tired state and kept on thinking over the meaning of that dream untill Abba left me and I never found him again anywhere in my life, in the house, in the roads of Sonai, while crossing Gracewell hospital or Rangirkhari's biomed where I first started taking him for the water checkup in the stomach from February onwards. The world looks so fake and unreal to me now that I feel like I am fake. When I look at my daughter I feel she's fake. Every object around is fake

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19.1.25 Sunday. UM. Sonai.

Ex-Faculty of Abba's college Rishi Sir had suggested, "If you could give goat's milk to Sir. It is good for the liver." I have been hearing this for a long time and when Sir also reiterated that I lost no time and went all alone to the Nagatillah's goat market in the BSF road. And bought one in my KIA car with driver's help. Abba was so pleased. When his nephew Milu came in the usual evening, I realised he was smilingly saying, "আমার লাগি ছাগল লইয়া আনছে." But nothing came of use. For a few days he drank half a cup or a bit more. Then soon he felt, the milk was not causing him any comfort. Then we stopped. Since it was a non-local breed it was anticipated that it might die soon at any moment. So, it was slaughtered for শিন্নি for his better health. When the regular half mason-half labourer man came, Abba called for me and wanted to see if I consented. I said yes. Then he too agreed for the slaughter. Deep inside I could realise, this was not as I had thought. There had fit in a deep pang & scar of pain of ....I am sure, my super-intelligent father also knew it.... Then, one after another I & others at home kept on trying

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18. 1. 25. Saturday. UM. Sonai.

What will my father or I benefit even if just one future member reads these anecdotes? Nothing. But I want to write or keep recording so that I don't forget my dearest father. My memory is already failing. Both Abba and Amma had/have Alzheimer's. I have a hunch I may naturally inherit it.

Losing memory is shocking and painful. Witnessing Abba with that left deep scars in my heart. First time he confessed and showed thoughtful worries about it was around one and half years back. In the dining room. Only he, Mariam & I were there. For lunch. And while taking the curry from the bowl he said, "See, I forget these days. I suddenly forget your name! Tell the doctor about this!" In the next Hyderabad visit, Donep was given. But no result did I see.

Due to liver issues, no higher power could be given either.

A few months back in his bathroom he said very sadly, "তুমারে বড় দুক দিয়ার." The memory of this line will always make me feel guilty and trigger pain till my memory is there. I had replied, "I can take care of you for a hundred years!"

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16.1.2025 1.27 PM Sonai Wed

In our ফুননা বাড়ি, it would be like this. In winter mornings. Abba would sit in a side by the উঠান. In a large, wooden chair. Big, broad & bright. And every member of the family would teem around him. দাইজ্জি too, somewhere nearby. Although at that time, the joint family had recently split with our own four kitchens but this kind of gathering would make me forget that the kitchens were different. And, Abba was the source of that unity. I have heard from Amma & others that Abba's second brother গুলেজর ছাচা whom everyone then addressed as বাবা did the same. And Abba kept that alive. He forgave all except in this diary you will notice that there was deep indelible pain created in his heart by eldest brother's sons and family. His very sad note was also for his university friend and classmate Mrs. Shamim. Mehnaz & I discussed just yesterday again & realise that actually Abba also went to Guwahati for the last time to see his dearest university friends. Ifu Uncle visited twice. In the first visit, Mahfuza Madam, his wife also came. She was also my LG when I was in Cotton. I am grateful to her that she had driven me to the college on the first day. Abba & Amma were seated at the back seat. I was so scared of ragging. Abba took me to their flat in Dhigalipukuri. She was in Geography Dptt. Very fine woman. My samurai father always had all sets of people in life. And I too kept on benefitting being a part of his body, heart, thoughts & life.

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12th Jan Sun. 3.50 AM. UM Sonai

No my love for my father has not been like Mother Fathima's for her father. When our Great Prophet (s) died, she fell ill. She fell so ill that she never got up again from bed. And in 6 months after her father left she too left this world. She could never recover! She couldn't imagine to recover! Such true love. Mine is fake. Selfish. I am still living a normal life. I had thought I would not live for long like Mother Fathima. I would automatically stop going to college. But no, I am going. No illness yet. My love for my father has been fake. He loved me more than I did.

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10th Jan Fri. 4.43 AM. UM Sonai.

One of the worst things that took place in my father's last few months was, visitors asking him directly about his age! I felt like striking them with some hard object or yell the dirtiest গালি! They were not anonymous men!

One afternoon, one robust voice was heard from my room (adjacent room split by a sleek corridor):"বয়স কত ওইবো? আসি? আসির উফরে?" At that moment I was instantly determined to abuse that man and shame him for such third class insensibility! My face was hanging with anger! But, when I stepped in his room, Abba immediately looked at me and gently said: "সিঞ্চৎ নানি?...  X Traders ওর দামান্দ". Perhaps he was pleased at the visitor's coming or he wanted to neutralise me by sensing the rigid look. There was a fat young boy along with him. I guessed if he was the man's son.... My father's that moment's gentleness saved them from my infamous reality-attacks! And then I walked around tightly in the room determined not to offer any tea. If others at home send, let them. I don't care whose দামান্দ he was!...

Another day was perhaps some young visitor from my father's eldest brother's inlaws. My two siblings were there too. The same thing took place again in front of my very sick father! I argued strongly, "Abba's age can be easily calculated from my age. If I am 44+ or when he passed his MA or from his still alive friends or classmates.... And if Abba is 80+ he would have tete with me or us about Independence. The country is not 80 yrs old how is he!"

The last worst of these was on 24th evening! I wanted to come to the room and beat up or yell at that old mullah. He was loudly shouting near Abba's ear, if the latter saw the coming of any wali in his vision! He was asking that again and again! Abba kept pindrop silence, hardly opened eyes. Then, this mullah continuously showing his bravery also disagreed with the age and asserted that Abba's face looked 85+! I was wondering in the corridor, how must be my dearest father feeling at such calculations! Disgusting men of society!...

The same thing used to take place in the last days of my দাইজ্জি. Abba's dearest mother. One of my insensible paternal cousins used to ask affront us when we went to visit: " দাইজ্জি দ, ফিরিসতা উরিশতার আওয়াজওয়া দেখো নি? টুফি ফিন্ন মেসাব ওকলোরে দেখো নি?... " (Do you see the coming and going of angels? Do you see men with skullcaps?) She would gently and sadly nod a no.

Disgusting thoughtless women!

What kind of smartness is this? What kind of knowledge. What worser can we do to dying men & women! Just for Numbers.

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6th Jan 2025 Mon. 4.45 AM. UM, Sonai 

You will be bored reading so many tidbits. But, someone may need these in future. Gens from my daughter may need to remotivate themselves. Or, may be others too. Or, from the public.

Today I saw a light, blur dreamlike live image of my father ever since 26th. I don't know if it was a full dream or just a follow-up of the entangled mind. "He was frail, lying down in bed, as in his last days mildly asleep or half-awake and we were nursing". Dreams play very important role for Muslims or in Islam. I am contemplating if I should share it with my younger sister & mother. My mother saw a very amazing dream on the 4th day of expire. It was a bright dream. As he lived life. That, he brought a cage full of chicken and handed over to Amma. He was well dressed in suit and tie (which he replaced after first hajj) and said : "But, money (of the poultry) has to be given by you."( ঔ নেও, মুরুক আইনছি। অইলে ফইসা ত তুমার দেওয়া লাইগবো)  Her dream was indicative that she should continue life as he left her with. And, since his pension will soon be transferred to her now, so he can't give the money. His last credited pension was 92,000+. My dream is a feeble one. All will be irritated. They will realise that I am the cause of his death! So, I saw a sick dream. From 27th onwards my sister & I have been visiting his grave. Yesterday, we didn't. We are contemplative yet fearless. The body languages, stares and followings being given by the গুষ্টি men and female helpers from the Sheikh গুষ্টি is irritating, disturbing and iring. In hadiths, there's no denial for women entering graves. Our maternal first cousin in London shared with Mehnaz (my younger sister) that how every Sunday women in London go to graves taking the holy books, sit there whole day and chant. And the graves are filled with beauty and flowers. Hearing this, I soon went to seed house near court and bought petunia and pansy packets. My aim was cosmos. In our school days, Abba planted it for years. In numerous colours. It looked so beautiful. Some old photos with cosmos and us may be still lying at home, or in some laptops. Abba loved flowers so much. But the shopkeeper smiled and said, cosmos time was over, no seeds will I find now. Last evening, Mehnaz handed over the extremely few, costly seeds of 130₹ to our brother. Day before yesterday, I tried to go near his grave to sprinkle. But, the nylon net was so tucked on with bricks, etc that I and Mehnaz came away.

In comparison to London's graveyards, the graves here are in deeply shocking state. It's better we remain closer to graves, we visit it oftener, we keep it clean and beautifuler with flowers. This may keep us always aware of the temporary world. Forgetting the graves is like forgetting death

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5th Jan Sun. UM. 4.23 PM

I have too much to put here. Too many memories. Passing by one after another! How many can you read! Why will read all? About my father & me? What will you do by reading our lives? But, maybe a future gen may want to know. May benefit. May unite with our thoughts & lives. A love story in between a father & daughter. I could never love any man in earth because I only loved my father. I secretly always compared & considered and found them too small and too far affront his stature. I am missing my father. I am missing stroking his beard and back hairs! His sound. The eyes. The excellent aquiline nose of beauty & intelligence! None inherited it ditto in two gens. The fragrance! His ill days. Oh! His robust days! Oh! I think my heart is getting blocked every few times, every few days now. For the first time in life i felt scared on 26th! Nervous about the lost protection. Undaunting protection that he gave me for more than 44 years of life. I still need it. Wish he was alive for another ten years. Till my daughter got set. Till her marriage. Am I really growing her up without him! Will I really do so from now? Oh! I can't! Are we both alone now! I always imagined my family complete with us trio. When I over acted on her, he would tease: "আমার নাতিন রে আমি ফালিমু, তর ফালা লাখতো না।" And in that teasing, I would find safety, strength, security, peace & happiness.

Whenever I remember my  দাইজ্জি (Abba's mother) I awed and amazed at her. My love and respect for her kept on increasing from the last few years. As I started realising the role of mothers and a few fathers in shaping the minds and lives of children. Then, the son's chromosome is derived from mother. And daughter from father. Now, I realise how good & great she was. And her son refined her qualities in the bestest ways. In his last few days when the speech was still there, he would cry like a helpless boy for her: মাই দ মাই! খানো দ তুমি! খানো গেলাই দ তুমি! তুমার মুখ কান তা এখটাবার দেখাও দ মাই! And he would weep! Imagine, a hero like him weeping like a child for his lost mother! Life is too big for any hero. We are too small to beget our parents whom we loved too ethereally! And I anticipate I will also search my father's face like this? But no, I am world's fragilest daughter. I have already started searching it from 26th December 2024....

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3rd Jan, Fri. 2025. 8.15 AM. Uttar Mohanpur. H. N. 68:

Some reported, 8000+; some said, 10,000+; some said, 14-15,000+; or 40-50,000 & some said, people were still coming; some said, it was equal to Moinul Haque Choudhury's zanaza & some said, it superceded that!

My biggest or only identity is from Abba. It is foolish to think to become or supercede him. Almighty made him too big. Generations will have to wait in Cachar & Barak to be of his stature. From childhood onwards, I have witnessed and realised people and acquaintances knowing me in the four districts because of his identity. Not because of skins, a couple of degrees, some fair Englishes so-called cosplaying with being a fake, tearable sigma-female! Abba's leaving me on 26th Dec is entombing the fact most deeply now, that I am nobody except this great man's biological daughter.

A time will come when graves will go under water. A few months or a year back when I had asked Abba where his grandfather and their family's graves are. He explained that the river broke them and took them in.

But, as long as I am alive I will describe this present grave. Because my dearest father is there. I will request my daughter and her future gen to keep describing it and taking care of it, as long as the grave remains.

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2nd Jan 2025 Thu. 4.24 AM:

If my father loved you like this & like that, then imagine how much, how many times & in how many ways he must had loved me! If your heart is feeling pain at losing him, then how must be my heart!!

In ভাসা, as we general address peshkar jangal's house, first storey; a bottle gourd plant grew. It climbed from the ground and a long, mild green coloured one shooted out. In the back verandah. I didn't like the idea of vegetables hanging and growing like this. Felt snobbish and shy about it. Its sight always knocked my heart. But I never expressed until now. It was years back. When I was a young student. I think HS times. Mobiles were nowhere yet, cameras were still in use. Most of the time, he always kept the one or two cameras filled with reels. He gave me the small, black camera and said, "আয় আয়, তুইন ও আয়।" I was not pleased at all. Clicking with that long gourd! But his sweet happiness kept me obeyed. I clicked him while he touched and held his gourd. I think, that photo is still there somewhere in the house or freezed in some laptop. Then he made to do the same position which I.... And I think when the photos were brought home, I teared mine after some days without anybody's knowledge. It proved my low confidence, false beauty, hidden pride,.... In contrast, it showed his simplicity, sweetness, happiness over such an ordinary thing of growing a gourd! If you had seen his joy over that! The sparkle & truth in his eyes!! I wish Almighty had made me like him.

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1st Jan 2025 Wed. 7.5 Aby Afdor

As I am also in mid 40s & memory has started missing words & images, it's better I keep on penning down my father's life more & more and as fast as possible. Death was too powerful for a man like him. Then, who am I! Nor do I have hundreds & thousands of good deeds in my under-ordinary record.

... Many times, when I cross Sonabarighat bazar point, the sight of one Ajanta footwear or another footwear shop flashes into my head, how Abba had got down there from the car to buy a pair of slippers from there for a helper boy. Actually, we forgot to buy from Silchar while returning from Nanibari in Malugram. And then I told that there are footwear shops in Sonabarighat too. He listened with his eyes' soft blink. The boy was a hindu coolie, possibly fifteen or under-fifteen, given by Amma's youngest brother from their ryots in the tea estate.

What never stopped coming to my memory was the benign nodding approval my father gave to a shoe-shop there. I don't know if he already knew or he liked that I inputed that information. Driver was Sudhor Uncle. Sonabarighat had very few shops then. I think I was in college or late school. Exact time is forgotten. I don't remember who else was there inside the car, if Amma and my siblings were there. But I remember, Abba was seated to the right side behind the driver's seat. He was robust and stout!

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20th Nov, 2024 Wed. Uttar Mohanpur, 5.28 PM

I:- When my father was yet to go to college, his sister's husband was targeted by enemies & labelled as a Bangladeshi refugee. To save his brother in law, Abba reached the Supreme Court at that tender age with the guidance of Lt. M. H. Choudhury, his cousin then Industry Minister in Indira Gandhi's Cabinet & other influentials from Cachar, in Delhi. One of them had asked him to meet the PM at her residence & explain the truth. Although, he could not meet, he was surprised & deeply influenced to witness that trees and gardening could make a house look so beautiful & elegant! From that moment onwards, he tried to do the same, whether in his old paternal house, this later house or in his college!

He succeeded in saving his brother in law. At such young age, he showed sparks of his capacity!! Morning shows the day.

Today, if you witness him in his fragile health, you will still be surprised sometimes to hear the strength of his voice. The strength which echoes the power of a fighter.

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4th Sep 2024 Wed/ 11.39 am. Uttar Mohanpur

I knew one narrative of college very well from Abba's mouth. I thought it was the futile part of the college. But now I realise that this kind of chunk awaits its use when time demands

"When Abba was still in the university, Milu bhai's late father who had conceived the idea of the college called some men (Dr. Susen Nath, Dr. Rukmini Nath, Asok Ali Panchayat, Shirai Panchayat, Hussain's father, &...) and proposed:"My brother is finishing MA and coming. When he comes, he will start college. And before that, let's help him. Let's keep some money ready...." So, in some days, together they collected around 10k₹. Barring Milu bai's father, with that money, which was a huge amount at that time, they added another new decision proposed by Asok Ali Panchayat- that a vehicle will be needed to work for the college. And since Dr. Susen Nath was going to sell his old car, this money can buy this car too. With this, the college so-called founding members group & work ended!!

When Abba returned from Ghy, he found himself all alone! An elder brother, Minister Moinul Hoque, MLA Subhankar, Babu, his teachers Nolini Sir, Yamin Sir, and a very very few frequently listed by him as his constant motivators.

It was not known to him or his elder brother what happened to that money or car. Soon, minister Altaf Hussain took capture of the public minds and including Hussain's father, all joined him against the college. Our Dak Bangla will still have those old signed petitions against the birth of the college! Dr. Susen Nath's wife, Binita Madam is still alive too. The old public knows great too. And, after Almighty, Abba is still alive to be cross checked by Hussain (Fwded to Shahir, Munim Sir, Abdul Matin Sir & Nabendu Sir)

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4.12 AM 24.8.24 Sat

Uttar Mohanpur, Sonai:-

Yesterday was Milad here. Conducted by Maulana Sarimul Haque Saab. I insisted one of my paternal cousins to bring him in where Abba is lying.

The Milad was arranged in a small way, yet around 150 guests attended. Money was spent from Abba's Silchar Ramnagar land which is on the way for sale

12 PM  4.8.24

Nightingale Hospital, Silchar. A3 3rd Floor

Abba, Amma, Mr. I U Barbhuiya & I

IUB: Are you all from Qadariya?

I: (Confused)

IUB: Well, these are hidden things, not supposed to be revealed....

I:Abba, Amma are disciples of Rampuris....

Abba: My marriage was read by (Hazrat Maulana) Wajhiuddin Khan Sahab

IUB: (Surprised) That's extreme good luck.

I: Shahir was named by him.

IUB: Extremely good lucked. Did you see him?

I: Hm (Confused)....

Abba: Always in touch with them. I have been to Rampur two-three times.

I: We went to their house and lived for 2 days.

IUB: Did you see him?

I: We went when his grandson (Maulana) Muzahirullah Khan sahab was alive. He used to constantly invite us.

IUB: Very good luck.... When my mother was ill, Khafnafar's pir had visited and told us to give a tasbih in her hands. So Sir, it's good you too keep one. It reminds one of the Almighty. And, you have done good to all. So, you will get rewards for this.

.... After, he was gone.

Abba: See, how he changed (Looking at me).

I: He looks changed

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5.39 PM June 2024

Uttar Mohanpur Abba's Room

1: See here Abba, instead of dedicating any building to you, let's dedidicate it to you as foundation day. This way, hopefully they won't be able to change

Abba: (Smiling) Hm, Started HS. All have been my students, Jolal and this MLA (ex-MLA who visited him at home two days back). 1972 should be written 

I:- Do you remember the date

Abba:- I forget now. Motin(Bengali dptt staff) can find out from old records

I: Yes, shosanko (office staff) too can

Abba: Haripod babu, came that day for the foundation, GC college's principal. He had great প্রতাপ then. He gave his daughter to teach English and civil surgeon's daughter for English too, she died. I gave them 10₹ each only. Horipod babu said, give them just the fare

I: You keep the principal (Dr. Baharul Islam Laskar) informed, or else, he might think I am doing it on my own, or someone might tell him that

Abba: I will tell him

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30 April 2024 8.58 PM Dinner Table

Abba & I

Abba:- Now I forget. Sometimes I forget your name too

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9.20 AM March 2024. In car, for Gracewell Hospital

Abba:- In yesterday's Club's (Sonai Club) meeting, they felicitated the Chief Secretary of Irrigation (Assam) and a few others. They had asked me to preside. I told them that I am ill. They said, "Sir, we will carry you." You see, one whom Almighty has given respect, one will automatically get. Any warnings, threats will not do anything. The Chief Secretary is from near his (pointing to our driver Biplab Nath) house. He studied in N. G. School. He,... and (I didn't identify the names) were very upset, that they were not called to the mic. All the Manipuris in his বেরাবাক (village) are all doing very well.

I:- The chief secretary is a Manipuri?

Abba:- Yes! All the Manipuris in Berabak, Narsingpur are jobbed. All in good jobs and the smaller jobbed ones are in military. Each house has 3 in military. No one is vagabond.

I:- Even Dolugram village's Manipuris are doing well. The village is so clean and all are well mannered.

Abba:- Yes! I told them yesterday that it was because of their strength I started the college. All (Max) Muslims used to send their children to Silchar or other places. They thought it was not possible for me to open and operate a college. Only all the Manipuris took admission. And from past time, all of them did very well.... I also told the teachers and staff that we take salary from here (Sonai) and send our children to Silchar, Guwahati and Kolkata for studies. But we don't bother if students of here do well or not.... The panel whispered to me that I hit the correct point.... The son of our teacher named Halim is the President of N. G. School now. I was the President earlier. Halim মাষ্টার  was from Algapur. He used to ask me, Tayyib, Abdul Hoq, Bashir and Nashir to wait and would walk to school.

I:- From Algapur!

Abba:- Yes! Just think! Such teachers are not there today. He was a very good teacher and taught was 3rd paper.

....

Abba:- I am surprised how did I do all these! I need to write all these. 

I:- I will do

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21.3.24 Wed Uttar Mohanpur Sonai

Abba:- We used to study in LP school at Block. School was there first

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17th Feb 2024,

Uttar Mohanpur

Abba's room 6.15 PM

I:- Abba, today I told them three why Principal has been ignoring making your dedication tablet. Khaled Sir is totally silent, he is always cautious. Hussain says that I should ask the Principal, not him & his father was founder member too and only khukon sir said that we should ask the Principal face to face! I told Hussain, I never heard about that ever since I was with my father.

Abba:- Oh! That was 1970 when I was still studying. Gulezar Ali said that my brother and Abdul Hoq, two are coming from MA. My brother will open a college for this region. So all collected money, in anas and four anas, some thousands. Then Ashokh Ali (Panchayat) was to buy Shushen Nath's (Then famous physician from Sonai and always close to Abba and Amma till his last evening) car and then a fight started over money and making of the college was forgotten. In that money collection not just Robijul আজি (Hussain's father) many more were there. But then, after the fight over buying car from Shushen Nath, college story was forgotten before starting anything. It was in 1972 I started it. Then Altaf Hussain took them all to his side and made all college-anti for a very long time. So then how did his father became founder-member!

I:- And then the Principal removed your name and photo from website showing reason of new GB President until I got it reput through Angshuman Sir. I asked Hussain, can Principal really erase this name! He replied, it won't happen as long as he is there in college

---------------------------------------------

4th Feb, Sunday

Abba and I. Inside eon. On the way to Biomed Silchar for his Ultra Sound for swelling of feet.

I:- Abba, Madhab Das also donated for the college? Some in college say that he only gave 50k. And was there another person who donated land, as they say.

Abba:- Who said! Who says Madhab Das didn't give land!

I:- Yes, that I too stressed. Ever since I was born I have been hearing this from Abba's mouth. And the another?

Abba:-  Kalamoni from সাগুরতল. On condition that his one family member will get a job here. So, Rafikul (office staff) got. He was very close with Madhab Das. Madhab Das gave the strip where the Principal sits now. But it had to be bigger. So he said to Kalamoni to give the strip where you all sit. Otherwise the college can't be done. He gave 35k only, I arranged the remaining 15k. Noshad's (Abba's nephew) father (Gulezar Ali Mazumdar) was a big Contractor at that time. Bangladesh war was on at that. Indira Gandhi separated them, made them kill the others. At that time, hindus had taken shelter near border. It is government duty to give place to refugees. So government made bamboo houses for them in a place in between the two countries, named ধলাছড়া. And Noshad's father had got the contract of constructing them. When the war was over, the refugees dispersed and huge stocks of bamboos remained. He brought one truck to our house, told me to take one truck for the college and one truck for Morom's (first বড়বাবু of the college) family. Morom got so much that others took from him. At that time, চানদু মিয়া was the Sonai MLA and MLA fund was 60k. Today it's 2 crores. I asked him for 10k for the college showing buying government's bamboos. He instantly gave. His wife fed us a lot, she cooked very well. People said, so what she was from উদারবন্ড, she cooked very well in different manners.

I:- She's still alive.

Abba:- She is. I am thinking to visit her one day. Heard, her condition is not good at all. At that time, Abdul Rob (later became MLA of Sonai) was the Councillor and used to reject all the college papers! Today, all his generations study in this college and get jobs everywhere. Just because of jealousy that I was Moinul Hoq Choudhury's man. The fight began from marrying of Rashida Hoque by her Barrister father to Moinul Hoq instead of Altaf Hussain. And the same narrative followed underneath as monitored by Altaf Hussain, how to finish Moinul Hoq! And all followed Altaf Hussain. Moinul Hoque was too big a name in this region at that time and everyone was after finishing him. Both died because of this reason. 

----------------------------

16th Jan, 2024 (Wed) (Uttar Mohanpur House. Dining room. 10.30 PM. Abba and I)

Abba:- You now, don't talk anything. I called Sanath (Ex-Teacher of Economics in Abba's college) and said, did you forgot what I did for you! He replied আফনে দেবতুল্য. You see. The police used to come to his house each day. For more than a month he was in hiding.

I:- why

Abba:- His matric certificate was of Bangladesh. They wanted to put him in jail. He and his brother came to me to save them. I then went to the DSP and explained to stop tracking him. The DSP was also a good man. And said that he (Sanath) was a good boy and let him go. The DSP understood. This was how and what I did to him. He said that on Monday he will come and do your service book.

I:- It is the fourth year and only my service book is empty. Just because of him.

Abba:- who. Shosanko?

I:- No! Your batija?

Abba:- He wanted to take credit.

I:- By keeping it locked inside Almirah from three years?

Abba:- Sanath will do. Only he does it perfectly. Even my service book was done by him. Others do mistakes. And Rishi knows a bit. Then I called Rishi and reminded how I gave him job. He had no parents, his ছাছা who worked under বড়দাদা (Abba's eldest brother) educated him, and started talking for his job in college. Then they invited me for food. Only fish was served, it was very tastily cooked. He was only an MA. Then he too said, he will do your service book. His original house is here (Sonai). Actually, you need it ready during retirement. But, God forbid if the Principal suddenly dies now, then you all will be finished. Service books should always remain updated.... Sutapa proudly went away to Women's college. Just some days ago she had to come back to me for signature in service book. Then she started getting pension. Biru's (ex-librarian) service book was not correct so till now he dint get pension.

I:- He now got, I heard.

Abba:- Yes, but he has to pay two lakhs fine.... Every MLA was anti college except Kutub, Anamul and now Aminul. Rana, Rob, Badri, Altaf Hussain for twenty five years and more, they always tried to stop me. Rob used to write 'Rejected' on college papers. And Altaf Hussain used to tell and wrote that I am having crores in the name of college when the college was not granted even! Only my teachers Nolini babu and Yamin Sir worked for me. And Shubonkor Babu, he was MLA, he told, call a public meeting, I will speak! And public meeting was called and he spoke. That's why I love and take care of Mongola and her sister(cousin) (teachers in Manipuri dptt). Shubonkor babu was their ছাছা.

I:- They are also nice women. And love me too.

Abba:- When I went to different offices in Silchar and Guwahati, they always offered me chairs. Once,... said- you offered chair to this yesterday's boy but you didn't do to me! (He laughed) Because I had good connections everywhere so Sanath also got saved. The DDOP used to love me too and openly asked for money, পয়সা দে পয়সা দে he would say.... While returning (He went to Nutan Bazar to buy rice) I got down in Ferdoo's (His eldest brother-in-law of Sonabarighat's second wife's second daughter. His eldest sister died during childbirth when he was still a kid. The baby had died too. He had told us once many years back that he doesn't remember her as he was too young then) house. Both husband and wife had become mad with happiness seeing me! Look what they gave, vegetables, বেড়াফাওয়া সাউল.

I:- What will you do with vegetables. Even ours ones are not getting eaten fully.

Abba:- She has given then how to refuse. They will be coming here to invite for their son's marriage. In February. Her stepson. Her marriage had taken place with a neighbour.

I:- I know.

Abba:- And he hanged himself from a tree even without seeing the bride's face. Everyone was searching him whole night. In the morning they found him on the tree.

I:- Why had he done that.

Abba:- What to say. Then she got married to him. He's a vet doctor. He has been the first of this kind here (Sonai).

I:- Where is her house?

Abba:- Oh! You went to the school? (Gunoutsav in Kazidhar) Near there, just attached to the road. You forgot her. She came and cooked here and grew you up (She was here for one month when we were in school)

..........................

11th Jan, 2024 (Thu) (Peshkar Jangal House. Abba, Driver & I)

Abba:- When I visited Lala college's Bengali Professor's house, she made ommellette and tea. I shared how the landlord who was rebuking my son, why they drew on wall. She retorted, "Why! You don't have your own house. You don't have land?" I said I have 3 kathas land. She said, take loan and build one! She called her husband, he was in bank. He asked if I have papers. I said yes. Then in few days the loan was given and I started this house. At that, cement bag was 15 or 17 rupees. Today, its 590.

Driver:- Mason rate was less too.

Abba:- Yes, 200 or 250. Today its 1200.

Driver :- Is this wood? (Railings)

I:- Yes, original.

Abba:- Shundi wood. 1 foot now costs 700. My life's earnings got spent here.

I:- Down(ground floor given to me), only the varnish of doors is pending. Rest all renewed. These two storeys need renovation now. Its going to be thirty years.

Abba:- Above terrace, tin shade has to be made. The slab will become weak by rains.

--------------------------------

10th Jan, 2024 Wed

3.03 PM (Inside eon car. From Sai Vikash Vidya Niketan to Sonai. Abba, Mariam & I)

Abba:- Also went to নানীবাড়ি. They all came from all the houses and surrounded me. All were very happy. (Seeing his health) they said, what you eat and how you eat, you tell, we will make now! মেসাব also came. He has been looking after your দাদিস মসিদ from the start.

I:- মেসাব? Who?

Abba:- Your দাদিস paternal cousin. He is still looking after. When she donated the land, and he came for money, she used to tell me to give amount of two bags cement and others, every now and then. He is still the khadim.... When his son was doing engineering, he had no money at all. He came to me to help him borrow from the Kabuli. After his son got job, they immediately returned the three lakhs. Kabuli was very pleased and said they are very good men. He is also very grateful to me for helping him acquire the money when he needed most. I told them, this house/family had so much fame in the past. And what have you all brought it to! They were accusing each other.

I:- Look at her (my daughter. She was seated in between us both in the back seat) she's shivering. How and why you talked to her Director. She's afraid of every staff and every student in the school. Only at home she's tiger.

Abba :- Oh! Your Director was extremely surprised when he came to know of us! Me, my father and your educational degrees too. And you are afraid! He gave me lots of respect and offered seat to her too. And what he told you? To become like your family members! And I said, and she should become like you too. He was smiling and said but I am not like you. I invited him home. He is from Hyderabad.

I:- Hyderabad?

Abba:- Yes, yes Hyderabad. He said, everything is fine about Hyderabad except being costly.

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8th Jan, 2024 Mon

9.37 am NH Bazar (Abba and I. Inside car)

Abba:- Mariam's school's lane's first right house is my eldest sister's husband's niece's house. Her son said, "Nanaji, you come to our house whenever you want and take rest." ... When I went to my sister's house in bhagewor (village), there were no roads then. We used to walk along the embankments and rice fields. While coming back, she gave me paan. There were five paan plants. We married her into a well-to-do family then. The granary used to be filled with rice.... Now, her grandchildren are not doing well. One, we gave space to run the hardware shop. But he kept on cheating. And kept around six lakh credit in market. He stole and opened hardware shop.

I:- Does it run?

Abba:- Yes! The manipuri Muslims buy. It's the first shop there.

...

Abba:- (Around Dhanehari field) Hussain(grandson in relation) is making a pump. Look! He has to submit one crore.

I:- From where will he get that money?

Abba:- Oh! He sold lands of more than a crore. These lands belong to him. I gave job to his father..... (Near Majirgram) Look at this house! I gave job to both husband and wife. Come now, you will see how much they love and respect they will give!

I:- What job?

Abba:- Teaching

...........................................

30th Dec, 2023 Sat

6.30 PM R-502, Elite Guest Inn, Gacchibowli, Hyderabad (Abba, Amma, Mariam & Me)

Abba:- There's a Manipuri man from where you went for election presiding!

I:- Kabuganj

Abba:- Yes! While I was buying paan below, he talked and was saying that in his place, everyone knows you! (Smiles and laughs lightly)

I:- (Laugh)

Abba:- And he was telling the shopkeeper that I am their Sir and Principal and to kindly make the paan well.

I:- (Laugh) What is he doing here? Came to Hospital?

Abba:- No, he had settled here long back and has his house here.

I:- What is he doing? Job?

Abba:- No, some kind of business. He said all his people first contact him and want to live with him whoever comes for treatment. He guides  and helps them.

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20th Dec, 2023 Fri

9.43 pm Dinner (Abba and Me)

I:- How many people came in the জোনাজা? (Mr. Nahar Laskar, second son of first GB President of Abba's college Dr. Ilias Laskar)

Abba:- Oh! Too many!... Even MLA came and he stood up and gave his chair to me! People were staring (Abba smiled)

I:- Which? The present one?

Abba:- Ah! No! Aminul!

...

Abba:- And I told everyone including your Advocate?

I:- Who?

Abba:- College President.... That all of you become leaders of and on what I made! College, কেবরস্থান, Schools, Sonai Club, বড় মোছিদ,... Nobody could utter a word back

🆕🆕🆕🆕🆕🆕🆕

5th Nov, 2023 Sun

11:14 am (Abba, Amma, Mariam & I). Abba's room

Abba:- keep the ball properly. Take care of what you get.

Amma:- Only play, play & play. Both (granddaughter from son) of them become mad for playing when they are together.

Abba:- We also did the same at such age when some boys would be together. And we played with মাতুআ. We made it ball. (And he smiles).

Mariam:- মাতুআ Nana! Why? (She giggles)

Abba:- What to do. Who will buy?

Amma:- (Addressing Mariam) Your Nana's father was a strict man. They were many sons and daughters. He had to save money. And in those days, things were simple.

🆕🆕🆕🆕🆕🆕🆕

4th Nov, 2023 Sat

10.30 am, kitchen

I:- Your work never finishes.... Not a maid could be found. College will be opening and I won't be here to help you either.

Amma:- Hmmm. But when মাই ফাতিমা asked her father for one slave to help her, her father clearly said no and taught her many দুরুদশরিফ to self strengthen herself and do her own chores.

I:- But we are ill now. Both of you (& Abba) are ill forever now. And so I am not sturdy either. I am constantly thinking of where and how to acquire a maid. Even if not a Muslim this time.

Amma:- Sometimes, I think how and from where I used to get so much strength making food for MLAs and ministers and their trolleys and securities too! Goala (Dinesh Prasad Goala, MLA/State Minister) was so happy that he had given the tractors-in-charge to be distributed by me!

I:- I forgot. Yes.

Amma:- And your father distrubuted them.

🆕🆕🆕🆕🆕🆕🆕

2nd Oct, 2023 Mon

Uttar Mohanpur, Sonai

Magrib's Tea time

(Abba, Amma, Mariam & I)

Abba:- (From Asr time, he recovered from 90s BP from two days to 122 today after giving egg whites ommellette, some bujia, jalzeera sherbet, some pomegranate, almond milk, some oats, etc. He was looking a bit better and happier at our unmissable teatime)(On finding two samosas brought by his son) When I was in University (Gauhati University) শিঞ্জারা in the canteen was very tasty. Eight or nine of us used to eat them together. And Ranjit (Ranjit Sinha Uncle) would say, "You give the money." (He smiled).

Amma:- You always received more money.

Abba:- His father sent only one hundred ten rupees.

Amma:- When you had made us visit his village to see his father, how the car slipped! O! I still remember. Do you?

Abba:- হু।

Amma:- The car was slipping back again and again towards the river and how Louis (Amma's eldest sister's son) was pushing it hardest! He put everything on the tyre lines! How he was sweating and became red! And you were driving!

Abba:- I went to see his father because he he helped us during university days. He was the Principal of N. G. School here. They (Ranjit Uncle) were all born here in Sonai.

I:- His children had never seen their father's land, ha ha ha.

Amma:- Now where he is. He became so big.

Abba:- His father had written a letter. The Director was his classmate. And he wrote, "I am sending you my two boys. Please look after them." The Director read it and asked Ranjit, "Which room do you want?" There were three storeys and twenty six rooms in it. He said, "Ground floor, first room." Then he looked at me and asked, "Which room do you want?" I said, "Third floor, last room. Room no twenty six".

Amma:- Two in two parts!

Abba:- And then once our papers had not arrived yet. In those days, things took so long time to reach by post. Around fifteen days. It was admission time. We were already late. And the Director said, "No, no. It can't be! Time is over. We were both saddened and leaving. Then he told his boy to beckon us. We went back and then he asked, "Do you have the fees?" We affirmed. Then without papers for the time being, our work was done. That influential was his father! That's why I went to see him.

🆕🆕🆕🆕🆕🆕🆕

9th Sep, 2023 Sat

Uttar Mohanpur, Sonai

(Late Morning. Abba, Amma & I. He had come home from Silchar Biomed after doing USG lower abdomen. After every three months doing it and sending reports to AIG Hyderabad is being done by me. He was seated in bed.)

Abba:- One person asked, "Do you know Sonai's Potol Mazumdar?" I started laughing.

We two too laughed together.

Amma:- What did you say?

Abba:- I said, its me.

Amma:- Why did you say that. Then you could have heard about yourself.

We three laughed again heartily.

🆕🆕🆕🆕

10th August, 2023 Thurs

Uttar Mohanpur, Sonai

(Magrib time. Yesterday. Abba, Mariam & I)

Abba:- ফোদই SDO died.

I:- I heard from বাশা. (Home in Peshkar Jangal, Silchar). Someone died. Today too I was there. (After putting Mariam in school) I think it was about him they were announcing in the masjid.

Abba :- Hm. Janaja is at 9 at night. Your mother and I will go.

I:- Her mama.

Abba:- We were related from before. Actually a very close relative of your dadaji. That's why and how তমলা (Abba's paternal cousin from our ঘুষ্টি) got married to his brother.

I:- His own brother?

Abba:- Yes! Own. And he was a very good man. He used to love me a lot. He had a rented guest house in Shillong. While making the college, I used to go there and he always gave me very warm welcome. He always respected me a lot.

... And his family and two others, Muhaib's and Sha are the three oldest, original, first known families in Kanakpur.

I:- Ok

Abba:- Muhaib is the oldest among them.

I:- The ones who stayed(in rent) in বাশা? We went to their house.

Abba:- No, not them. You have not seen their house. But its seen from the road too. They have a very big দীঘি. (Big দীঘি has always been part of important Muslim families in every area in the district. It symbolised their being influential)

🆕🆕🆕

27th July, 2023 Thurs

Uttar Mohanpur, Sonai

Magrib Tea

(Yesterday. Abba, Amma, Mariam & I)

Abba:- Send Ranjit's no to Shamim. I told her I can't do all these, my daughter will do.

I:- I will send.

Abba:- Hasannulah died. I didn't knew. Her sister's husband. Parveen's husband, where you had stayed. In Digalipukuri.

I:- He died many years back. You only told. Around 10-15 years.

Abba:- No, around 5-6 years back.

1:- You forgot! You had only told us. I remember.

Abba:- I forgot. Today Shamim told.

Amma:- This is what is happening to us now. I too forget.

I:- I too now.

Today:-

6 PM

(Abba's room. Abba, Amma & I)

Abba:- Today I shamed them (Sonai Boro Mosid members). Old papers of Idgah came out. I checked each of them. And it came out- "Proposed by T A Mazumdar." And they always put the narrative that Rana (ex-MLA of Sonai) did. Today I told them everything (at Sonai) was done by me.

I:- And Abba, why is the lane near Dakbangla (present Municipality office) is named Altaf shoroni! What did Altaf Hussain (ex-MLA of Sonai) ever do for Sonai? Instead of gratitude for a localite (like you) why do they convey it to outsiders who did nothing for Sonai?

Abba:- He only gave contracts (to the people).

I:- Did contractorships, not set up anything here! And a lane after him!

Abba:- They feel small (before me). The block was brought by us! Rehana's father (Abba's second eldest brother) was behind it. Zilani Choudhury had come with his new Jeep. They ate in our house. I tried his Jeep and hit it against a supari plant. He was so surprised. The director had also eaten in our house with fish from our pond... Bank (United Bank) was also our initiative. They too ate the first food in our house. We were the firstest customers too. (Bank was initially tenants of Abba and his siblings). Sonai club's founder was I too. Everything from college, English school (first English school), club, boro mosid, idgah land, madarssa, were done by me or us. But they don't want to say it. They feel small.

I:- Just jealous!

Abba:- Not jealous. They feel small. They know everything. But they will say Rana did, so and so did, but when old papers will be opened, everywhere my name will come. (He deeply smiles)...

🆕🆕🆕🆕

18th July, 2023 Tues

Uttar Mohanpur, Sonai

Lunch. 2.25 PM

(Serving lunch to Abba)

Abba:- While making the college, Mr Sarmah from Gauhati University came for inspection. Brohmmochari's (Founder of RMC, Silchar) college was also for inspection. Both of us were friends. Then he invited Sarmah & me in his house for food. And I saw that as he (Mr Sarmah) ate he took a bite of pineapple from the slice kept with rice! From him I learnt having pineapple with rice (he smiles). You also take.

I:- No, I don't like this way.

🆕🆕🆕🆕🆕

12th July, 2023. Wednesday.

Hyderabad, Gachibowli, Babu Khan Lane. Phase-II. Room no-304. Cozy Lodge.

(Abba, Amma, Mariam & myself)

(A call comes to Abba from Amma's younger sister married in Silchar's Rongpur)

Mashi:- How's both of yours health? How's the treatment going?

Abba:- Yes, ok. So, so.

Abba:-... From where did they get the DCM! If I was not there to lead them, your Nashir, Gyas and others(Amma's paternal first cousins) would had taken it away by lying that your father was not any son to the majon (Amma's zamindar grandfather who created the biggest waqf and only Muslim tea planters in cachar district) but just an ordinary mulajim....

Mashi:- Yes, yes দুলাভাই we remember it. And even now they are obstructing Shaju (Amma's youngest brother who attempted to revive the estate).

Abba:- Even now Nashir wants to become the mutawalli with Shaju out!

Mashi:- Their intention had always been to loot and eat. Not revive or develop.

🆕

1st July, 2023. Satur

M. C. Das College. English dptt. 8.40 am

(Abba drove Mariam to Sai Vikash VN School. Then he dropped me to the college. While he was driving to his other home, the college):-

Abba:- When I was making the college there was almost no road. It was like হরুমুরু গোল্লি. And the rickshaw puller used to take two rupees from হুনাই to college. Somehow I used to reach the college on those bad road.

🆕

10th June, 2023. Sat

Uttar Mohanpur, Teatime (Abba, Amma, Mariam & me)

Abba:- Today in the Multipurpose Hall, previous MLA Aminul arranged an important meeting. Silchar's ADC's, many BDOs and our Sonai's SDC Tanim also came. I was the first one to be called to speak. Huge respects, utmost respects were given by all. I gossipped with the SDC how her maternal grandfather, her father and all her family have been very close with me once.... Ahad (Abba's third eldest brother's youngest son) was roaming. He knew SDC and I will be together today. He came near me for her signature which he was trying to acquire from fifteen days. For everyone of ours lands exchange. I called her office staff. He went to her. She just signed it.

(We were smiling).

Abba:- All were reminding each other, he should be called Founder-Principal, not just Ex-Principal. Founder is a very big thing. Ex is one who becomes Principal even for one day. They agreed. People don't know these.

I:- Yes. Even in college I have to remind them about these. Even in website I got it corrected through Angshuman Sir. Principal had removed your pic even after Presidentship was over. He argued that your term is over. He then asked for a photo. When I took it, he saw and said that he had the same and will get it uploaded. I waited for days. Even Khaled Bhai (Faculty, History Dptt) and Khukon Sir (Faculty, Bengali Dptt) talked to him about it. But he did not bother. Then I directly got it uploaded through Angshuman Sir.

Abba:- How I made the college! Even Moinul Hoque Choudhury was hesitant. He said, "Can you really do it! Doing a college is a difficult thing." I said I can. Then it was him I needed again. He got the permission from Gauhati Circuit House. It was in Dispur. He also gave me one thousand rupees. Things were getting transferred from Shillong to Dispur. Dispur was empty lands then. He called the Education Minister's staff over phone and said, "My cousin is going to start a college in my brother's constituency which was previously my constituency too. You get the permission done. The man said "সাম বারু।" He got annoyed and replied, "These are the most offending words. Do you know who I am! I am Moinul Hoque Choudhury India's Industry Minister." The man immediately corrected, "I am coming to your room just now." Soon, meeting with the Education Minister was arranged. He said, "Is it possible to start a college like this?" He said, "Are you not a cabinet minister too?" He said, "Yes." "Then you can do when two Ministers or MLAs give written recommendation then you can give the Permission. You don't know this rule?" Soon, the College got permission through him too. Then Altaf Hussain got it late by more than five years! He did everything to stop the college! Today his relatives (Abba's daughter-in-law, whose maternal grandmother was Altaf Husain's sister) are consuming the fruits of this college too.

I:- Yes! (I laugh. It was while back in their bedroom now. He is sitting down to take his liver meds).

Abba:- অইলে he has a ভাতিজা in DTO office who has always been good to me. He did my paperworks of all cars without asking for a penny. Rather, he would send the papers to home too.

🆕

7th June 2023, Wed

Uttar Mohanpur, Tea time/After Magrib

(Abba, Amma, Mariam & me)

Abba:- Today everybody stood up when I went.... I said I am happy that you are all running the college well. And because I made the college you are able to get money from it and go to haj. They agreed. (4 staff are going for hajj). Your English's new boy (Ubaidul Hoque Choudhury, Asst. Prof) presented most well with me.

I:- Two-three days back another boy joined from Nagaon.

Abba:- He talked with me for a long time. He was surprised when I told him that Nagaon's water is like milk! It's the best water. He asked me how do I know! I said I know Khagen Bora, Promod Das,...of Nagaon. They are my friends. They are Nagaon's big names. And he never saw them.... All of them are ill now. One friend (name forgotten by me) from Nagaon lived in our ফুন্না বাড়ি with me for twelve days. He didn't wanted to go. He was not from a well-off family. Then I got the ticket done for him and let him go thinking that his parents must be worrying.

Amma:- Why didn't you tell them how you made the college!

Abba:- Yes, I tell.... How I spent days & nights in ভুবন ফাহাড় with আরাখোসী alone and extracted wood for the construction! How I did কন্ট্রাকটারি to arrange money for the college!

(My heart pricked when I hear such painful undergoings he took! And realize that so many physical fragilities have today wrapped him due to past such works. And my heart gets shaded with pain and awe even now while I imprint them).

🆕

5th May 2023, Monday

(Yesterday we four Abba, Amma, my eight years old daughtie and myself went to a marriage reception in জন্নত বিবাহ বভন. We rarely witnessed such family who loved, confided with our parents so much and respected so much. The bride's parents died. Many many years back Abba had saved their father from the latter's brothers who were going to trap him to jail. Later, he had approached Abba for jobs for his sons. Although Abba could not arrange any but the gratitude that he, his wife and children kept on showing has made us grateful back. And yesterday again, so many men did মুসাব্বা with Abba addressing him as 'Sir'. Most of them were his college students. One of them was a student around sixty years back. And when Abba was heading towards the car, two of them helped him walk till our car. People love him and are grateful to him particularly for the college).

🆕

27th May, 2023, Saturday

Uttar Mohanpur, Sonai

(Abba, Amma, my daughter & I. Dining Table)

Abba:- I just sat in one chair. Everyone came and talked. Some did মুসব্বা. Some said my health has gone very down. Mehbub's (Abba's late nephew) friend, I didn't recognize him. He kept long beard. He also said that my health deteriorated. Some young men came and did মুসব্বা. They said, 'We always hear about you. Today atlast we met and saw you.' A few looked surprised that how so many men were coming near me. (He was laughing mildly.) The majlis was near me. This is the main thing.

Amma:- ওয় তো।

(It was the marriage of Mr Akka's daughter at Suhana Marriage Hall in দক্ষিণ কৃষ্ণপুর)

🆕

24th May, 2023 Thu

Uttar Mohanpur, Sonai

Amma:-...Why don't you tell them (newcomer faculties) how your Abba stayed nights in ভুবন পাহাড় to collect wood for the college building!...

(Her this reminder pricked very deep in my heart realizing the physical pains too confronted by my father....Sense of loss of time of that phase has filled my heart with nostalgia. How must Abba be feeling remembering those phases!)

🆕

17th May, 2023 Wed

M. C. Das College, Sonai

11 am

(Ranjit Sinha, Abba's friend had called him from Delhi wishing ID.... Some years back when we had gone to Delhi for Abba and Amma's routine checkup in Fortis and Apollo we had met Ranjit uncle, Abba's one of the closest friends from Sonai-Gonirgram village. He was Under-Secretary in Human Resource Ministry. My PhD was on then. And he had brought Abba in his white ambassador to JNU's one of the entrances to pick my younger sister and me. We were in the e-library. Then he took us three and my sister's best friend's younger brother who had joined us a later in his Ministry's some restaurant for a treat. He had also provided us a room in the ministry's guest room at a concessional price for first few days. In our another visit to Delhi, it was him who had booked Minister Santosh Mohan Dev's Trust's rooms in CR Park. That was a simple environment, food was homely and localed, the caretakers were from our valley and spoke our language almost... Uncle was the head of ICSSR too and he informed me that its library was in Mandi House.)

Inside the restaurant:-

Ranjit Uncle:- I had taken studies seriously only after MA...

I:- Uncle, where in Silchar are your sisters living now?

Well, he couldn't tell one sister's location.

I:- And when you go to Silchar, where do you stay?

Ranjit Uncle:- I stay in Cachar Club

(I remember when we were children still Abba had taken us to the hospital to visit Ranjit Uncle's old sick father. It was filled with the latter's relatives. And Abba forced me to sing an English song before uncle. And uncle pretended with his eyes closed that he was enjoying a great child-singer's voice. How stressed I felt.)

Abba:- Ranjit's voice sounds changed. He wished me ID.

I:- Age-effect.

Abba:- His son is in Romania.

I:- Daughter?

Abba:-... I forgot.... He is from your বড় মাসিস village.

I:- Then how had he come to Sonai?

Abba:- Oh! His father was the Principal of our NG School. They lived in a quarter behind the school. We played together and grew up together. I remember all his sisters. They loved me a lot. They are Manipuris.

🆕

12th May, 2023 Fri

Peshkar Jangal, Silchar

My parents are nomore in their pink health. Nor am I anymore.

A few years back when my college job was not yet permanent my younger sister wished that Mariam, my daughter needs him the most for her better upbringing and protection. So let him live long atleast for her sake.... Today we four women still need him coz we feel full, filled, protected and respected due to his name and presence. And we got fame for free because of him.

🆕

8th May, 2023

Uttar Mohanpur, Sonai.

(A few days earlier in the dining room)

Amma:- I keep thinking the day your father will will die, what will happen that day! How will it be that day! (যেদিন তর বাফ মরবা কিলা অইবো ওদিন! কিতা ওইবো ওদিন!)

(The way my mother said that it keeps on recurring in my head, heart and eyes! Such statements leaves behind indelible deep shade in my whole life each day each moment.) 

🆕

5th May (Fri) 2023

Uttar Mohanpur, Sonai

7.48 PM

From around a fortnight he asks me to lock the main gate.

"I get tired," he said. His this weakening is detaching me too from this duniya.

A while ago he again asked me to lock it. From two-three days he is suffering from cold and slight fever. Amidst these weaknesses and illnesses, he went to see another patient named Abul Mashter!

🆕

16th April (Sun) 2023

Ramzan

Uttar Mohanpur, Sonai

(My heart sets down witnessing my father becoming thinner and thinner and lying in bed for hours during the day. This is slowly becoming frequenter. He is also suffering from severest knees and backaches that make him use sticks from nearly a year. And I am afraid to think that my father like all old men is going closer to death. He has been the only man who understood my every told or untold story. And I could love no other man in earth because I only loved him. Whoever few men who came to my life, I found in them no tinge of any high, wise, depthful, philanthropic, beauty, verbal eloquence, great forgiver, concoction of being a huge socialite, awesome educationist, politics, voracious gardener, & other multifaceted qualities of my father. So, they soon slipped out of my life. Only my daughter's father has still partially remained in my life because I don't want the innocent girl become victim of this cruel society's taunts and shaming.... Not just me, even she also gets the most hugest part of my father's love, concern, monetary responsibility and purest care. He was there, so my hospital maternity release had been possible. He was there so my daughter got admitted in one of the best schools of Silchar. He was there, so she too wore some of the most beautiful dresses. It is him who made my job possible and monetarily secured my daughter's future too. We two mother-daughter are too much indebted to him. He is alive means our lives is still normal, personally, emotionally, economically and socially. I still live a sane life because he is there. He is a complete package. An olympian!

It is man like him who is still mentally strong despite eating foods without salt except 4 grams permitted raw salt. Doctor has barred him forever from taking his favourite and most regular foods like, milk, mangoes or bananas. Liver disease is slowly making him weaker. Fatty, rich foods for whole life and tobacco intake [to release stress while making the college and numerous other stresses] have scarred his liver.

I am so afraid to lose him that I am often ready to meet death before he does. Then, my daughter's life without my monitoring will affect her life-quality. So, he is alive means the smoother for both of us. And I have just these two persons to fight life.

...

My father's handwriting keeps on amazing me. So sophisticated! Either English or Bengali! Awesome! It echoes his supreme IQ. If you see his signature! I smile within knowing and witnessing some relatives and men trying to similarise their signatures with his. It's so easily catchable. However, I don't mind anymore. Rather, their such copying convinces me more and more about him and secretly pleases me.

...

Publishing is very costly affair. At present, my short stories are under the process. But, I can't die without writing about my father. And, like any ordinary believer Muslim I realize that death is a constant companion and can be anytime. So now, I have immediately resorted to blogging as much as possible before memories keep on betraying or before death pings me too.

Over thinking and life stress have started to taunt my memory.

As I see my father's health faltering, I who wished to finish minimum fifty one stories for him and then submitted a bit fewer numbers. I did it for him. Whether I die before him or vice versa I want him to witness me as a proper humble writer. [Quite a few times I attempted writing. But, they were raw & unsystematic. Then, with time, age, over-age, thinking, experience I kept on realizing and reminding myself of the extreme temporariness of this extremely nano short life. Only the Creator is permanent and only his Prophet will remain the most followed and most famous man. So, I compromised with myself and not long back started availing for small chances of striving for permanence which is Paradise. Each day I try to remind myself to keep purifying.] I realize unlike what I received from him as his dearest child, gave him nothing much significant except securing the only vacancy in Holy Cross School in 1988. 9/4/88 was my registration number if I recall. What still pleases me was not much that out of fifty or sixty candidates only my name was on the blackboard after sitting in the exam. [Holy Cross was the best English school then and getting admission there in between was so tough]. But, the expression, joy and excitement he flaunted still inspires me! How he kept on catching as many guardians as possible showing me and telling that I, his daughter captured that only vacant seat. And that name was me! And then later I observe that my sister and my PhDs have hugely satisfied him. Even amidst blood transfusion in AIG Hyderabad, he kept on relating to one Muslim doctor that both his daughters are PhDs and revealed the topics too. Children's achievements always remain the achievements of parents. The doctor was saying to me, ''See, his memory is failing but he has not forgotten that both his daughters have obtained PhDs."

...

Fame and records are of no use to any dead woman. But then, history is so important in Islam. From that point of view, keeping my father's record by his own daughter might prove beneficial for Sonai and for understanding the Muslim community's psyche from a woman's gaze.)

🆕

14th April (Fri) 2023

Uttar Mohanpur, Sonai

Amma:- The other day someone was telling that your father was joking that 'You all will die but I will not die.'

I:- Why should he say such. Who doesn't die? Actually, some people keep on telling and eyeing that he is still alive and how and why is he still living.

Amma:- These people are so jealous!

I:- His own people mock. His nephew's wife laughs on my face, 'he still drives.'

Amma:- Why didn't you say, because he always did sacrifices and good work so God has blessed him. They have finished taking all lands, jobs and pharmacy. Their work is done so now they just await his death.

(It's disgusting, extremely hurting, annoying and angering for us to witness that many relatives and people in the society are waiting for my father's death or mocking that he is still alive! Insensitive, hollow, jealous, parochial and headless are some! Abba's mother lived for 106 years but she too had to ultimately die. Till her 105th year she was quite okay and moving. Only her last year was completely in bed just lying asleep. And then, one morning Abba called us over the landline phone in peshkar jangal that she died. I was in HS 1st or 2nd year in GC College. Around 24 or 25 years back. I remember very clearly how she too faced the same mocks from some disgusting and shameless family members. Definately, these are never nice social attitudes!) 

🆕

13th April 2023 (Thurs)

Uttar Mohanpur, Sonai

I:- You talk (handing over my mobile).

Abba:- Hello! I am Principal Potol Mazumdar! Did you recognize me?

Nazz Electronics:- Aslkm Sir, Yes Sir.

Abba:- Ws. I want an engine for my car. Do you have good, original ones? And, what will be the cost?

NE:- Ji Oy Sir. They(driver, I and my daughter) came a few days back to see. It's 4500/-. I have the original.

Abba:- Aiccha. My boy (driver) will come. But before giving so, you check once if there's a problem in the ignition. If not then only you give the engine.

NE:- Ji aiccha Sir.

I:- Tell to lessen the money.

Abba:- Now, you have to lessen the rate when you give. I have three cars. And you have to keep your customers in tune.

NE:- Ji Sir. I will lessen.

Abba:- Also, you keep the old engine and adjust the new rate with it. I am driving cars from 63 onwards. So, I know this.

NE:- Ji Sir, it will be done.

🆕

5th April 2023

During Iftar.

Uttar Mohanpur, Sonai

Amma:- What happened to science? It won't happen anymore?

I:- UGC & govt made very new rules. Now one has to go Guwahati for interview. I think now chances over.

Abba:- So much money was spent. Done thing became undone. I started it almost immediately after Assam University started.... They didn't do some works properly.

(For the first time I witnessed not-positive comment on college's science stream grant. A sad sense started within me. Then, was he without the same or more!)

I:- X said that because of Y it didn't happen.

Abba:- Who?

I:- That Y didn't submit something then. Otherwise it would have happened that particular year only.

Amma:- Oh, my Tutu's job didn't happen. Oh! How she studied whole life!

(Is it not loss for the students and country if junior scientists with impact factor journal publications assets remain unemployed because they passed their age! We are witnessing increasing number of such researchers remaining jobless. How hurting it must be to them too. Goverment should think of them and create spaces for them in colleges & univs atleast with a fixed remuneration and no age bar).

🆕

17th September, 2022

6.20 AM

Uttar Mohanpur, Sonai

(Whenever I see my father down, I automatically go downer. I wish he was stronger. His legs have become a huge obstruction. The man who was filled with unending energy now needs lathi. I wish if time had never changed for us. The ending of time in my father's life and mine or my mother's fills me with emptiness, fragility and severest sadness. I can't imagine that his friend Dwipen Bhaishya uncle (Abba's Gauhati university friend from Guwahati. He was a Professor in a college there. Two of his sons are Professors in American univs) died. When he came to visit me in Cotton's SKL hostel, how scared I got. And my fear scared him. A few years back when he had come to our house here, he said "Do you remember Mamtaz how afraid you got!" And I now realize so late that father's friends are such nice people in life, except one whom I respectfully refuse to name.

This is not the first time I have attempted writing about my father's life. Procrastination has always remained a big sin in me.

What does writing do? From my reading I realize that it informs us and sharpens or directs our thinking skill. Otherwise, how forgetful man is. How we actually forget so many great man and woman. They were the beginner-builders of certain areas and nations. Or, what is fame and memory for the deads!

When I look at the college premises I get surprised that how he did them! When I look at the hundreds of students I wonder how this will remain endless. May Almighty bless my father for creating such an institution where the goodness is endless. He is among the great men. I frankly express that it is him who is the architect of Sonai)

🆕

11th March, 2020

(Abba was near the driver's seat, my daughter and myself were seated at the back)

I:- "Is it true, the our MLA has become the Secretary of Silchar বড় মসিদ?

Abba (Smilingly):- Not Secretary, President. And made me the vice-President.

I:- Really!

Abba:- And Sabir and my friend Abid Raja are also with us. And Cachar Traders are the Secretary.

I:- But why like this? We are from Sonai. And it is Silchar.

Abba:- He (MLA) is right. It is the not the people of Modhurbond who made the মসিদ. Why should they always remain in the মসিদ administration! It were the Muslims of Sonai and Lakkipur whose money was the first and biggest contribution. We gave them cash, সুফারি and সাউল which they sold and obtained the money. So the maximum money was from the villages. At that time there was this just one Jama Masjid. So the people were mad to make it. It is now Silchar's people give the money....All the other Jama Masjids came later. So the MLA is right, 'Did the people of Sonai not make it too?'... When they (the committee) came to Sonai to raise money and it would become lunch time they used have lunch in our house. Mai (his mother) used to serve them rice with চ্যাং মাছ, ফুটা and other local fishes.

(The driver was being very fast. Abba told him around four times to drive slower)

Abba:- I am driving car from 1960s onwards. Never did any accident took place except a hen had flown affront by itself and died. In Majirgram. It was our Jeep then. The owner-woman came shouting for compensation. A hen cost four or five rupees then. I gave her that and drove away.

🆕

7th November, 2018

9.15 AM

Uttar Mohanpur, Sonai

(I think this... he narrated around 7 or 8 years back. We three were there in their room. The exact context which led to some interesting revealations is not flashing in my mind now....)

Abba:-... at that time marrying into and from the Barrister's family was of prestige as was marrying from yours (addressing Amma) then.... Roshida Hoque was given marriage proposals by both leaders of that time. But their family accepted Moinul Hoque Choudhury's proposal. And from there started the fight. That they rejected me but did not reject him, ... So, whoever was Moinul Hoque Choudhury's ally was his natural enemy. So my brothers and I were always disturbed by him. Iqbal's father (Abba's eldest brother. JE by profession) was never let to transfer to Cachar district! His applications were never accepted. Shamu's father's (Abba's second eldest brother. Panchayat and Contractor by Profession) bills were always blocked by him! Ten times a day the college board (M. C. Das College) was thrown by his সেলা হকল in Sonai and ten times I used to get them picked up and hanged back! Entire Sonai's public had been tutored against me by him. He called it a বুয়া college to loot! All who were anti then today they too claim to had made the college and send their children.

I:-... One of his daughter's name is Roshida too.

Abba:- ওয় ওয়!

...

The same day, evening tea time

Abba:- I also gave my own land for Gulezar Ali School. The other two brothers refused to give from their share.

Amma:- I still remember how in ফুন্না বাড়ি,  মুল্লা ভাই (Abba's third eldest brother who was a kazi made through Abba's efforts only. The latter became a Maulana from Kolkata) he shouted, "No we did not promise to give our land share for his school! You give from yours!" And then you said, "Yes, I will give mine."

Abba:- Then I made Iqbal (eldest nephew from eldest brother) teacher there.

Amma:- How much you did! That's why you look older than all your friends!

Abba:- Oh! They had stressfree lives. They only did jobs given by othes. I created my job and I created jobs for others too! When I was State School Board's member in Chandu Mia's (younger brother of Moinul Hoque Choudhury and then Sonai's MLA) I made twenty five school teachers, Muslim-Hindus. Jamil, Ajmol, Latu,... (Abba's brothers from the ঘুষটি) all were given jobs by me then!

Amma:- During your election (Abba was on Congress ticket for Sonai's MLA election in 1994. Before that he was an independent candidate for the same) how লাতু ভাইসাব came with one thousand rupees to show help. (Amma smiled)

I:- Atleast he was grateful.

Abba:- Jamil is still grateful. He refuses to take money for Mariam's medicines. (He practices Homeopathy too).

🆕

18th October, 2018

Thu, 6. 53 PM

Uttar Mohanpur, Sonai

Abba:- Royal Enfield motorcycle was launched. Only three pieces were launched by Devika (Today's Devika Fashion). It was motorcycle showroom then. Khandelwal met me and asked to buy one. It was clearly and boldly written 'Made in England.' LIC was being launched for first time. So he told us to buy through LIC. (I forgot the names of other two persons, who were from Silchar and bought the two pieces).... And my brothers, Iqbal's father and Shamu's (who was also Panchayat chairman like his father and died during term only due to severest gastritis) father tried hard to learn how to drive in our টুক. Our রায়ত used to live there. But both fell down from it and handed it over to me. I drove it for the first time to Bagha (name of the function or the family he mentioned is forgotten by me). That was the first Royal Enfield's journey. I used to drive it to my heart's content.... I used to go to GC College riding it. My sister of Krishnopur (Part-1) used to wait on her pond bank, watch me go and say, 'That is my brother!' Then one day sold it off to... (a hindu man whose name is not recalled by me right now).

I:- Oh! At what price you sold?

Abba:- Only three thousand rupees.

I:- Oh! If you had kept it it would have sold in lakhs now.

Abba:- It had become old.... I was the first one to drive the Fiat too. And my brothers asked if I could bring Moinul Hoque Choudhury in it from the airport. I agreed and the drive to Kumbirgram was the first journey by Fiat....

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17th October, 2018

Uttar Mohanpur, After 2 PM

(Abba, Advocate Abdul Hai Laskar of Modhurbond, Silchar and I were seated in the living room. Abba's shoulders looks stooped if one looks from sides. But if one faces him affront he still looks mighty and handsome)

Abba:- Will today's MLAs and ministers do it! Over the phone, he (Moinul Hoque Choudhury, Union Industry Minister during Indira Gandhi's era) answered back, "Do you know to whom you are talking!" The word চাম বারু in Assamese is very offending. So he got angry.... He had come to see us after ten-twelve days' death of my father. Our house is his mother's নানীরবাড়ি. At that time I and Abdul Hoque (Advocate) were the first and only MA from Sonai. MA then was a আসানক জিনিষ. He told my mother that he wanted to take me along with him to Delhi and run an industry. মাই  was so happy and she immediately agreed. But my second elder brother replied, "No, my brother will open a college here and also join politics." Despite knowing that we will also do politics, he helped me while making the college. Knowing about the industry offer, Abdul Hoque and his father soon went to him to fill the space. But he replied, "That I had only thought for Potol."

(I think Handsome sees the handsome)

🆕

25th May, 2014. Satur

Abba:- The elder of the two wives of the zamindar, Madhab Babu used to start abusing me as soon as I entered their house and kept on abusing till the last moment I remained. In the most আখাটা language! No two persons can stand hearing those. She was childless and so became mad and she thought I had gone to take away everything from her husband. The donor gave the land on condition that it will be named after him and a ten thousand rupees too. It was I who offered that the college will be named after him and then he agreed to donate.

🆕

9th May, 2014 Friday

(Abba over phone)

Abba:- Altaf Hussain called my college "just a signboard!" He used to sit in the ডাক বাংলা  and all men from the bazar (Sonai) would go and surround him and sign his papers declaring my college a signboard. Today these same men say "our college." Then he called the vice-principal Madhai Babu and took his severe interview in front of that huge bazar public! Why didn't they then say, "our college!"

💧💧💧💧

1st May, 2014. Thursday

M. C. Das College. Exam duty. (External from Radha Madhab College, Myself and other teachers. Abba is on overall random flight duty perhaps)

Abba (Addressing the External):- Your college's founder Brahmachari and I started the colleges almost at one time. We used to go to Shillong and Guwahati at one date and return on the same date. We lodged in the same hotel in Guwahati. The roads were very bad then. Shillong was also the capital then. It was all one state, Assam, Meghalaya and others. Crossing Nuva river was very difficult. There was no bridge but a ferry-system only. If the current was too strong then, the buses won't cross. Sometimes we had to stay for one or two nights. There was the problem of food there. Khasias had not started making good food then. There was Nikhil Da of Sonai bazar. He used to beckon us and we stayed in his house and ate. The buses were those red ones, making huge noise. Going to Guwahati and Shillong to make the college was like going to the very next house every now and then. My mother used to say, 'What kind of college are you making? You are selling all the paddy!' I can never forget my mother's those words. "

💧💧💧💧

6th September, 2013

A group of people from Dhanehori village come to Abba to leader the Idgah. The Idgah was going through severe tug of war for leadership.

(Abba politely turned down numerous such offers due to busyness or health issue)

🆕

14th August, 2013

(When he was just finishing his school, his eldest sister's husband of দক্ষিণ কৃষ্ণপুর village was falsely labelled by enemies as refuge. There was only him who could dare to go to Delhi. The autowala who took him in first was angry and irritated that he couldn't tell the exact location where he wanted to go. Somehow, they managed to reach the people of Silchar who arranged his lodging in Delhi. Soon, he met the lawyers and submitted the proofs of his brother in-law being an original Indian. This was how at tender age he showed early signs of success & power.)

🆕

Ramzan last week, 2013

(Abba's photo as chief guest in a Islam-based book release is printed in সাময়িক প্রশংঙ্গ. Ever since I start observing and understanding him a bit I am witnessing him as Chief Guest in unending programmes. It has always filled me with awe!

Being President of NG High School he is distributing the bicycles to girls from around two weeks in between July and August.)

🆕

23rd May, 2013

I heard from Abba's mouth that in their times there was a game they played called 'রউন খেইড়'. It was played at night. A garlic clove was thrown and it had to be searched. It's nomore played now.

🆕

20th April, 2013

The External Officer has come from Haflong for degree exams. Whenever he came and sat near us in the Teachers Common room, the female faculties like Mrs Manju Bhattacharjee and Mrs Kanika Nath of Bengali and Philosophy dptts kept on relating before him how Abba made the college. The External got mesmerized. And then whenever Abba came in the same room and both were together he would stand up and offer his chair saying, "You sit, I can stand. You are মহাপুরুষ."

🆕

4th April, 2013

(Abba, Amma & I)

Abba:- At around 10 PM at nights, Iqbal's father used to borrow boats from our রায়ত and returned back with 4 to 8 ইলিশ fish in the mornings. (I was very surprised.) Today, getting so many big fish at one go is rare. And except the fishermen nobody goes to fishing. Then my মাই  used to wash them very well and roasted them & the smaller fish for me.

...

Abba:- Holy Light English School took 8 years.

(Amma, Zeenatara Madam & Sufia Madam were the first teachers. My younger sister & I were the first students. Sabul Barbhuiya, Kalpana Singh, Ayesha, Shabana, Dhananjoy Singh, Prem Singh, Sanjay Singh, Karim, Rehana, Papiya Bhattacharjee, Aminul, Zarin SDC Mr Roshid's eldest daughter, a first cousin of ours named Shamim, Sonai Thana's OC's daughter Baby if I rightly remember her name and a few others whose names I am not able to remember now... were the first set of students.... Abba is the President of his school.)

🆕

29th December, 2012

Abba:- Today Sonai বড় মসিদ stands at 82 lakhs worth. The present construction was started with just seventeen thousand rupees by Abba and a team.... It originally came into being before independence in an Assam-type house.

(Abba became it's President in 1995.)

(What a congregation of men & women in our Sonai house for tickets in the mornings, noons & evenings.)

🆕

13th Dec, 2012

(Ever since the renovation of the Shah মজিদ মামুs মূকাম has begun, it is perhaps the second sitting in the premises & one of the fiercest debates is if money given by non-Muslims should be used for construction of the mosque inside the premises).

(Abba addresses Shri S. M. Dev as 'boss' in his diaries. Congress appointed Abba to see the candidates for the Panchayat elections. Abba has been again made Sonai Block President. Earlier, one of the Congress leaders made all his documents disappear with the help of block employees and one Congress worker to remove Abba from block presidentship. The same Congress now gives Abba the responsibility to choose Panchayat Candidates).

🆕

27th Nov, 2012

(Two disputing factions over মজিদ মামুর মূকাম talk in the living room adjacent to us. They remind Abba that they will do as he says)

🆕

27th October, 2012

(In today's Bakri-Id's money collection, as usual it was among the highest record. 17,000/- collected from Sonai's those Muslims who work outside and have come homes for Id. Noone could ever collect more than him when it came for Sonai's বড় মসিদ construction's money collection. People's love and trust level with him has been amazing.)

🆕

17th Sep, 2012

(He was the Chief Guest of Teacher's Day function in Sonai. 

On 15th September, he was the Chief Guest of Narsingpur Teacher's Function.

Today I overhear a Mulla or Maulana সাব who has come for some monetary help, saying "You are the সেরা man of this place." 

🆕

22nd August, 2012

(35 years old border dispute of Sonai Jama Masjid and Madrassa seemed to have resolved under his leadership. I tell Abba to publish it in paper.

     Irreconcilable disputes persist in Kazidahar High School and they want Abba to preside the GB.)

🆕

Border 

19th August, 2012

The DC called Abba and another Muslim of Sonai along with our Hindu leaders to keep checking the communal safety status. He revealed that a train from Bangalore to Assam was stopped in Jalpaiguri and sixteen Muslims were slaughtered.

🆕

28th July, 2012

Sonai

Under Abba's Presidentship of Sonai Jama Masjid, cash and clothes for Ramzan were sent to riot refugees of Kokrajhar (Dhubri, Nagaon, Baksa, Chirang districts too where the riot had spread)

🆕

July 2012

(A computer center named NIIT in Sonai has been inaugurated. Abba is among the distinguished guests.

He has been the Chief Guest in Sonai Forest Office.

Abba tried to grow cherry, apple, maize and oranges in his home gardens.

Apart from our regular cows and cats he and Amma kept sheep, mynah, parrot, beautiful guinea birds.

He stopped wearing Western clothes ever since hajj.)

🆕

12th May, 2012

Uttar Mohanpur

(Abba, Amma & I. Room- Theirs)

Abba:- Madhab Das was the zamindar here. He donated the land and a cash of fifty thousand rupees with the condition that the college be named after him. It took me seven years to make him agree for it. The road to the college then was spread with boulders. No rickshawpullers would easily agree to take me to the college. And when I first went to Gauhati to get the college recognized, the authorities would disbelief and make me stand outside the office and home premises for hours and days! Then I befriended his small girl. And the children would then plead on my behalf to let me talk with them about the college.

Amma:- And today the college's own staff are attacking you.

I:- Today in university, Bhuiya Sir (Dean of Languages. He is from Badarpur) was seated with R. P. Biswas Sir(Faculty, English Dptt) . I wanted a signature from Bhuiya Sir. I peeped and saw both of them talking and was stepping back when he called me by name to go in. He reintroduced me to Biswas Sir revealing you and Amma's house. Biswas Sir was surprised and pleased. Bhuiya Sir added how the college staff was trying to defame you. And then Biswas Sir said, "Your father is a great man. No one can harm পটল মজুমদার. It is just called লাগালাগি।

Abba:- Hm. It is the work of নন্দিনী (Lecturer, Political Science). I openly told her affront of het চেলা চামুন্ডা হকল, "Not only you did I do good. Your another Manipuri Noyonbabu (Retd. Lecturer) had not even a rupee to go back home! It was from me he took five rupees each day for years and could go back."

Amma:- What did she say then!

Abba:- She was totally silent. She did not deny that she got it written in the newspapers.